To love one child more than the other

[inadarkdarktown]

I just wondered if other people feel this way too and just never say so because it sounds so awful?

@blubellsarebells
I haven’t seen any of those, I’m interested to read this topic OP has started. Should I not be because you’re not? Are you always this untitled? You don’t want to contribute, move on. Very easy.

@mistress have you thought about why your kids behaviour is so different ? If you approach things a different way you might find it’s partially you who causes it

I personally don't feel that way but seeing how DH is treated differently to my SIL I believe it happens.

Oh yes - although I find they take it in turns to be my favourite..! When ds2 was born, I was so in love with him that I found ds1 (then just over 2) to be bloody exhausting and I just didn't feel the same way about him.

It changed when ds1 was 4 and was just wonderful and ds2 was a terrible two year old.... I found it really hard to feel the same way about ds2.

It changes every few years - right now, ds2 is wonderful and ds1 is a total pain in the neck (18 years old and knows everything). So I love them both, but differently, all the time.

Chillicheese there's a big age gap between them. So one a young teen and the other still a little kid. And older one possibly has adhd, something along those lines anyway.
Their characters are really very different but I love them both so much, I just don't think dc1 sees this through the constant reminders about cleaning up etc (and he is very mean to his sibling too which I have to intervene in). Won't give up though.

Maybe you can't control how you feel about your kids but you can control your actions and words.

Your child - the less exceptional one - will know, no matter how much you think you hide it, or how much you would deny it to their face. Poor child.

My parents made it all too clear that they preferred my sister. She was outstandingly pretty and average intelligence. I was "plain" and much brighter than average. My father somehow found it offensive to see me doing my homework and was constantly telling me to "put those b**y books away and go and help your mother in the kitchen." It was a good week when I didnt get a beating for something. Needless to say I failed the 11 plus and went to a secondary modern school.

In some ways it scarred me for life because I never had a good relationship with my parents or forgave them. After I left homw to get my own flat I never looked back.

In other ways what happened drove me to suceed in later life. I went to uni as a mature student and achieved one degree after another. If Id had the opportunity to go as a younger person I might not have done so well.

Im now a great believer in giving young people the opportunity to EARN things rather than handing them life on a plate. If I was a millionaire business owner I would ensure my children had the best educational opportunities such as private schooling and university - if that was what they wanted. But I would ensure that they started at the bottom in the family business and learned from the bottom up.

I would hope to treat them all equally no matter what my private feelings because I know how corrosive the experience of being "second best" is from personal experience.

I know my brother was favoured over me by much of the family, despite protestations to the contrary. As a child he was always allowed more privileges, got away with more. It was mostly my dad's family, who were all very very chauvinistic (including my dad).

I even remember my dad telling me how much happier my grandfather was when my brother was born because it was a boy to carry on the family name.

I remember being hounded to get a Saturday job as soon as I turned 14. My brother never worked until after university.

I remember being told I wasn't working hard enough when I was studying for hours and my mental health breaking down, whilst when my brother's exams came around he sat playing on the computer and doing bugger all (he's brilliantly clever and always did better than me regardless - that's not my parents doing though!).

I remember my dad wandering off to take work phone calls on my graduation day whereas at my brother's (Cambridge) graduation nothing could have torn him away.

Just after I'd been made redundant and had to move back in with my parents I remember some family friends were invited around, and my dad boasting on and on about how well my brother was doing with such little effort. To the extent that my parents (lovely) friends commented on it to my mum (I overheard them from the kitchen).

I have a huge huge problem with never feeling good enough and always feeling like I've messed everything up. I have no confidence. I always have to seek reassurance.

I know where that came from.

I only have one, if I had another I can't imagine not loving them the same amount. I can imagine loving them the same but liking them differently

I was the less favoured child. I find it weird of my parents but I have a happy life and am very loved. I love all of mine hugely and couldn’t “rank” them, I don’t love like that. They and my partner are simply the very best thing that’s ever happened to me.

So you love one DC more because they are 'exceptional', really? I love all my kids and whilst I may be delighted if one excels it doesnt mean I would love the others less.

@inadarkdarktown

One of them is just really exceptional.

What do you mean by that? Is it ability-related for you?

I have two DDs(teens) and often one is easier to get along with than the other but I love them both equally.

My parents divorced and both went on to have other kids with their new partners, who they prefer to me. It’s really hard being nobody’s favourite.

I think that there's nothing wrong with having more affection towards one child than another as long as you love both children in a way that's right for them, my youngest son was never very affectionate when he was bellow10 but now he's older he needs reassuring hugs several times a day where as my older son was the exact opposite and once he found his confidence I had to catch him unawares to get my hugs...(he was always happy to hug, I just think he felt 'silly' but could see it in his eyes when I hugged his brother)
As for your comments concerning you loving your 'exceptional' child more, mmmm no judgement from me but children mature at different times and I've experienced many exceptional children struggle with the expectation of their parents 🤞🤞🤞🤞 your daughter doesn't fall into this category.
Also both my parents and my in laws treat their children differently and I have very little respect for either and I can't imagine ever acting like they do.
I think it says more about them than it does their children.

'One of them is just really exceptional. Maybe because she's my eldest too, I'm not sure.'

Sorry, OP, but this is appalling. Properly wrong. Stop indulging yourself in this sort of nonsense.

Golden child versus scapegoat. It's the same old dynamic, it's depressingly common, and this doesn't make it any less damaging for any of the people involved. Including, and sometimes especially, the scapegoat.

'Love' is an inadequate term, hence all the groping around meaning. It's as individual an emotion as human beings are and it's probably impossible to love two different people in exactly the same way. The kind of people who try to measure this emotion and then set it up as some kind of competition are probably the ones whose children avoid them once they reach adulthood.

There's enough love to go around everyone, even if those relationships are different.

Philip Larkin was right.

The rags, the wright stuff and loose women did this story not too long ago.
Do we really have to rehash the same old tabloid trash?
Well, almost everything else on MN is a rehash of the same old stuff so why not?

Both my sister and I grew up convinced that the other was our Mum’s favourite. My Mum tends to favour divide and rule tactics. Setting one against the other. My grandmother was the same. At least we have vowed to put a stop to that in our generation.

All 3 of my kids are exceptional in their own ways. I'm really glad I feel like that. They all have their own issues and strengths, and loveable qualities. I'm glad I feel like this. I think I would seek help if I didn't tbh.

How old are your DC? When mine were little DC1 was very difficult whereas DC2 was a dream of a baby. However, DC2 didnt seem to need me in the same way DC1 did and I was really worried that I didnt love him as much because of it. However by the tme he was about 2 I could honestly say that I loved them equally.

DC1 was very difficult as a teen in an "I hate you, you are useless" way whereas DC2 was very placid and easygoing. I really struggled with liking DC1 through those years although I never stopped loving him.

Now they are both adults I love them absolutely equally but am closer to dc1 as we have lots of shared interests whereas DH is closer to dc2 for similar reasons.

I quite often like one child more than the other, but over the weeks/months/years it varies which child that is. I don’t love one more than the other. I have more in common with one, and thus find it easier to spend time with them, but there is so much I admire about the other. I love them both equally. I feel the same, only difference is I have 4 not 2. Same goes for 6 GC, love them all to bits but I worry about one, one makes me laugh out loud but I love them all just the same.

@Mistressiggi, I have a very similar situation here. One DC is notably more difficult/highly strung, and one DC is super chilled and very emotionally intelligent. I do struggle with how to treat them 'equally' when they are both so different, and I hate how the trickier DC ends up with more negative interactions than the easier one. But I grew up in a situation where my elder sister was allowed to behave really badly (with lots of "it is just how she is" from my mother) and it has had long term consequenses for everyone. So I'm also unwilling to let poor behaviour slide just to even things up. It's hard.

@Colom, your post really resonates with me. Like you I think I overcompensate, and sometimes worry that my easier DC actually misses out on my time.

Age is important. One child might be good at something but if your other child is only say, 5, then how can they compete ? Give them a chance