To love one child more than the other

[inadarkdarktown]

I just wondered if other people feel this way too and just never say so because it sounds so awful?

DM ridiculously favours eldest- DF doesn't care about us equally! I don't see how DM thinks it's not evident given that the favouritism has passed down to the next generation. It bothered me horribly as a teen, but I don't care any more- just feel sorry that they will miss out on a relationship with my great DC.

I genuinely don't love one more.

I always wondered if I would - my mum had a favourite (not me) and I often thought that was normal.

But I really don't.

One of mine is a grump, and much more difficult, but I don't love them less.

Agree about liking them differently on different days though! 😂

I have one kid who's really introverted and self contained.
He thinks the lcokdown is the best thing that ever happened to him because "no one forces me to go outside anymore".
He's happy to spend hours doing minecraft and watching history documentaries. Occassionally he'll wander my way to ask if I'd rather be a Viking Raider or a Greek Hoplite.

I have this other kid who's very outgoing, bossy and loud. She's taking lockdown really badly. She spends her time following me about making demands:

"Muum, I'm hungry..no not for that....sweeties Mummy. Mummy, why don't we have a bigger house? Why didn't you buy biscuits? ......When the virus is over, can we go to Butlins? With Grandma?.........Will you make me a cake Mummy? Will you play dollies with me?"

Guess which one I like more right now?

Love them both equally. They make me laugh in different ways. They annoy me in different ways.

But they are 2 and 5. When they are teenagers if one turns into a nasty piece of work or does something really bad then who knows.

My partner's family are weird.

My partner (male) has a sister 5 years older.

When they were kids they had this auntie that only gave my partner money and never his sister. He has this memory of her having two bags of sweets. He said which ones mine and which is Zoe's. She said they are both for you.

Then my partner's mum favoured her daughter over the years. She seems to like my partner loads but she focused on her daughter who become a doctor. Before she was even qualified they said they would support her with any kids she had etc. It was like they didn't think my partner would move out or have kids.

He moved in with me when he was 28. His sister got pregnant in the Feb. We got pregnant in the may. His mum lived half an hour away from us. An hour away from her. She choose to move to her daughters village. They do all her childcare. They clean her house. They babysit. They look after her dogs. They go on holiday together. My kids get the scraps. They don't get the sleepovers or days out the other kid gets.

I have had another child since. He was born boxing day! He gets less money for his birthday from partners parents. my daughter gets a gift on his birthday. He doesn't get one on hers.

So work that one out lol? X

My Dad 100% has a favourite out of me and my brother (I’m 26 he’s almost 23) , Dad gets on with me really well as I’m more sociable , chatty, have his sense of humour . My brother is very serious, very work orientated and doesn’t really talk to Dad much as he’s never forgiven him for divorcing my mum when we were little. Dad loves us both equally like parents do but does prefer one of us to the other .

I have seen this in loads of different families. It usually causes poor relations between siblings.

Do I have a favourite child? Possibly...
Do I love them the same amount? Yes but differently. Dd 1 Is an adult and great company. Is staying with us during lockdown and we get along well. Dd2 Is an adult and makes me laugh like no one else but I couldn't live with her. Dd3 Is a child and the family pet.
If any of them ever ask if they are the favourite they all get told yes!

My children are very young at the moment (4 and 1) my eldest is a loud, confident little ball of energy who isn't scared of anything and will happily go off with literally anyone, whereas my baby is super attached to me, clingy and screams for literally anyone who isn't me. Both are equally loved. However I do have a closer bond with my youngest simply because she has 'needed me' more, my eldest would have been happy with anyone and I had such bad PND with her that for the first few months I didnt even believe she was my baby.

I only have one child so cannot comment on the debate of loving one child more than the other personally however I have one brother (same Mum different Dad's) and I know he is my Mum's favourite. This was something admitted by my Mum to my daughter last year (DD is a teenager), and when DD told me I was shocked and very hurt. I've never raised this with my Mum who I have a great relationship with but have thought about it quite a bit and I think perhaps it may be because I remind her of my Dad, they did not have a happy marriage or divorce, and were very young and I just wonder if that's why. She was 20 when she had me, and I wonder if she feels that I prevented her from living her life the way she wanted to, or because she was pregnant she had to get married to my Dad, she has admitted on her wedding day she felt she was making a big mistake. She often says she wasn't a good Mum and I would always defend her and say she was, but every now and again, I'll realise that whilst growing up she never hugged me, wasn't particularly tactile at all, whereas she was with my brother (there's 7 years between us) and she is a wondeful Nan to my daughter. I honestly cant remember being told I love you, but I think my strong and loving relationships with other family members (Dad and grandparents) meant I felt loved anyway. I will never raise this with her unless she does, but as an adult it does hurt and I guess if I had of been lucky to have had more than one child then I really don't think I could have a favoured child, knowing what I do now. My brother is nice, we are not particularly close and he has brought trouble to my Mum's door, his Dad passed away a few years ago, but prior to that when younger there were debt collectors etc. but he is very much the golden boy, falls in shit, comes up smelling of roses! Just another perspective on this I suppose, I've never told anyone my feelings on this either, quite nice to get it out.

My parents had a clear favourite. It wasn't me. It's damaging and I haven't seen or spoken to them in over seven years because our relationship was so pointless.

I've got three children myself, every day it changes which one I like the most but I love them all equally. One of them is, and always has been, more difficult than the others, but he's really really special in a lot of ways too. I couldn't pick a favourite.

I hope you hide your feelings or be prepared for an outcome like mine.

I have a stronger physical connection with one than the other. I co-slept with one of my children - the other much preferred their own space - and I find I crave cuddles with one more than the other (although he is also my youngest, which might also be why). However, I have more interests in common with the other, and we "hang out" more. I'd say that I love them the same, but I suspect that they both think they are my favourite.

Aw this is sad. (and I'd like to say now that my username refers to one of my chickens).

I am one of 3 (oldest). I think my brother (only boy) is my dad's favourite, and my sister (youngest) is my mum's favourite. I don't blame my mum - my sister is much more similar to her, popular, smart but not nerdy, much more confident etc. But my dad just had this weird thing about having a son, which bothered me as I'm actually very like my dad. I think he's got better on this now he's older though.

My husband has a younger sister, and he was very much his mum's favourite, and his sister was his dad's. I think that was all fine until his dad died when they were early twenties, and it hit his sister very hard. And now (nearly 10 years later) there's only his mum and he's still the favourite. I think she tries to hide it but it's habit now.

My neighbours clearly have a favourite and it is heartbreaking. Two little girls the older one is adored the younger one is tolerated. The older one is a sly madam the younger one is constantly in trouble because of her and so sad looking.

As a child/ teenager I sometimes felt my brother was a favourite but in hindsight he was just so placid and easygoing never pushed boundaries etc that there was rarely conflict. As an adult and parent I'm confident we were loved equally. Interestingly when my dad was posted abroad for work for a year my dB ( who at 3 years older was at a more important stage of his education) was put in a private boarding school, whereas I was taken overseas with them to attend a small overseas school. I felt he had been favoured with the expensive private school but he told me as adults that he had felt I was the favourite as they kept me with them!

The child you love less will know. Trust me they will. Parents with a golden child always think they don't show it

This //\

You may say you can hide it, but trust me it will show even if you don't think it. Children aren't stupid, they pick up on it. Just like those who stay for the kids, the kids always know something isn't right, even if they don't hear arguments they pick up on other more subtle signs.

I wonder if one of my dc feels this way, as he is always being told off (due to behaviour) and his sibling almost never is (again, due to behaviour). I really hope not.

@Mistressiggi
Tbh in my case it was more of a self indulgent petulant reaction to being told off, I was a bit of a madam but had a very happy secure childhood! Have had a great relationship with my parents for a long time.

The saddest thing is the child that is favoured is often the way they are because of the favouring, in an unconscious or subconscious way.

So you might think you love your eldest more because she is exceptional, but the reason she is so exceptional is because she has the confidence to fly high because you think she is so super awesome. The other child might also have exceptional talents somewhere, but they have been labeled ‘the non exceptional one’ so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I know a family (parents friends)? where the eldest had a lovely singing voice and was a great dancer. She was very chilled and calm and sensitive. The mum and dad worshipped her. They had a child younger by about 10 years who was quite hyper and difficult and spent most of their free time being taken to the eldest’s music lessons, dance lessons, competitions, driving up and down the country to take the eldest to auditions, and they ‘had to entertain’ the youngest whilst eldest did her thing. Basically a bit of an inconvenience. Is it any wonder the youngest child was a bit naughty and sought attention in any ways she could get it ?

Weirdly the eldest didn’t go on to have a career as an adult in performing, she’s a single mum who basically relies on her parents for everything and the youngest ended up being really academically clever and is now doing a phd so she she was really underestimated most of her life. It’s a shame because if the parents had just opened their eyes when they were so focused on the eldest.

No. I love the different traits in both of them.

@hevs03 my DP has a similar problem. Eldest of 3 brothers to his Dm but he is the only son from her first marriage. His father was abusive from what I gather and they divorced when he was very young. He reminds her I think of his father and that has caused no end of problems in their relationship. His youngest dB is obviously the favourite as he is very like her own df. She favours his son over all her other grandchildren too, it is blatant. She has even started making comments about how one of our DDs is " definitely a Smith (dps father's family name)" whenever she throws a strop ( she is 3 and fiery) which pisses me off. I'd say its damaged my dps self esteem and relationship with his mum. Interestingly his stepdad treats all 3 boys and all grandchildren equally, no differentiation at all.

My mother def had a favourite. She wasn’t afraid to show it or even say it either. Needless to say our relationship was fairly awful when I was growing up, so much so that I left home at 15 and never went back. We were vlc for most of my adult life.

It never changed anything between me and my siblings though, as golden child IS bloody brilliant and I love them to bits! However so is my other sibling, and quite honestly so am I She could just never see past her favourite.

She had an extremely serious illness a few years ago and nearly died on several occasions. Since then she has been trying desperately to repair relationships with me and the other ‘non-fave’ and honestly neither of us are particularly bothered. I’m 40 years old now and the time for that imo has been and gone, I don’t have the motivation to strive for a relationship with her anymore. I would have years ago probably as I was badly hurt by her treatment of me and really just wanted a mum. Now I tolerate her at best.

Just something to keep in mind

Thank you bubbletrouble. I'm working to improve our relationship but then I walk into his room and see half our kitchen in there and tell him off again. Lock down not helping!

Often there is a reason tied up with the birth, post or pre natal depression Or events, the position of the child (1st borne often a treated much more harshly)

I often muse on this. After a difficult, traumatic birth with DC1 I never felt that rush of love or close bond. It took about two years to feel "love". I wasn't depressed throughout those years and I gave her tons of affection and attention but I just didn't "feel" it. My expectations were very high before having a child and I just felt disappointment and like I was duped. She was a "high needs" baby which was exhausting so it was a case of fake it til you make it.

My second child or was so completely different. A lovely birth. An instant bond and I just adored her. But felt immense guilt that it wasn't the same with eldest.

I still feel a more natural affection towards the youngest. Our personalities are similar and sometimes I can just look at her and my heart soars. Sadly that rarely happens with DD1 she's a wonderful, bright child but much more serious and stroppy.

I know people say they'll know but I really, really don't think they will. If anything I probably overcompensate with the eldest and make sure I spend 1to1 time. I hope these feelings change over time when they get a bit older and live with young DC gets "easier".