"When he passed" - AIBU to think WTF?

[TheClitterati]

Seems everything uses "passed" instead of died now. On the radio, in conversations, on MN, online. I expected to see statistics of those who passed from covid 19 any day now.

He passed. When she passed. She passed 20 years ago. Anniversary of his passing.

Seems to have snuck up on me & I find it very annoying. Plus - so many questions! Where did this come from? Why do people use it so widely? Is it now unacceptable or uncouth to talk of death? Where are all these people passing to? Did Fred West & Hitler pass also or it it just people we think kindly of who pass? Are we now to speak of the passing of Diana? The day Prince passed?

I didn't mind in occasional use- people can express themselves as they like. I understand why someone might refer to the death of a loved one this way. But it does seem to now be THE way to reference the death of anyone at all.

AIBU to think it's ok to talk about death and people dying. Has mention of death become unspeakable?

TBH I think this may have been a bit triggering for some? No? Religions or any other people who are so inclined may not want to think that way? I can't make out why it bothers u to be honest and think it would just upset those who do care about the phrasing?

I watched my mother die of pneumonia in hospital in December 2018, and I found my father's 3 days (I think, based on number of newspapers on the mat) dead body in his house last month, having been alerted by neighbours who hadn't seen him for a couple of days and were concerned. I will use the words "lost" and "passed away" if I like, thanks all the same.

Whoever is most affected by the death gets to choose how they want to describe it.

If you've lost someone to COVID19 then talk about your loved one in the terms you wish to and if others don't approve of how you describe it, that's their problem.

None of us can control how the media decide to describe the mass deaths. If my loved one had died the last thing I'd care about is the words some unknown random person on the Internet or in the press chooses to describe it, I'd be far too cut up about losing my loved one.

Sounds American

I couldn't say "my husband has died" for about 3 years afterwards, I had to say I've lost my husband, it was too damn painful to utter the word death and I couldn't actually believe he'd died anyway. Death and acceptance don't always go hand in hand.

Just before my mother died (she knew it was coming) she told my sister and me quite categorically NOT to refer to her as having "passed," but to say she had died. Then my brother went and wrote "passed" in his eulogy, so I had to tell him to change it. He wasn't happy, and found another term instead (which I'm pretty sure my mother wouldn't have liked either!)

Whoever is most affected by the death gets to choose how they want to describe it

Totally agree. I think its actually rather shitty to be nit picking about how someone describes their loss. Everyone grieves differently and its entirely up to them how to describe it in a manner that causes them the least distress. Anyone who takes issue with that really needs to do some urgent self reflection.

I'm with you OP. I hate the term passed away. It makes me think we turned them away or they chose to pass us by or something. Really upsets me! They DIED ffs. If people are doing it because they think it's softer or something I wish they wouldn't. Don't try to soften
something that is heart wrenching.

I thought American @smokescreen - or maybe Irish?

I talk about my boyfriend who killed himself as dead/died. His death was brutal and violent, passed seems more indicative of went to sleep and didn't wake up. I have a very spiritual teacher and friend who had cancer, and it absolutely seems right to talk about her passing over because that's what she and I both believe in.

I like the terms passed/passed over/passed away, and I really can't be arsed to get wound up about which version other people use. Life's too short.

That's right @Smidge001 dont let's soften anything, right - just say it like it is, because it's better for you, even if it cuts the person's heart down the middle.

I said on here the other day that I'd lost my cat. I literally meant, 'I'd lost the damned she beast from hell who had followed a bug over the fence when my idiot husband had accidentally shut her outside at night when taking out the recycling'. . .

I felt awful when people thought I meant that she'd snuffed it.

Especially when idiot husband (love him really, but don't lose my fricking cat, who as all the neighourhood now knows is the golden child), went and managed to find her across the road in the copse a few days later. . .

I haven’t noticed any prolific use of passed on the radio or online or on MN particularly in formal contexts. Even if I have I can’t get worked up about it as long as it is clear in context.

I do remember a poster on a similar thread who said that it was much worse if someone avoided the poster altogether at the beginning because they were worried that they would say something wrong, and later because they felt they had let the poster down.

I don’t give a damn whether it offends your ears..In the depths of my grief I couldn’t bear to say the word “ died” because it was too raw and unreal.

I would never judge someone for the words they use surrounding death and bereavement. Whatever gets you through. Looking at the bigger picture though, I do think a lot of the language we use in English culture is emblematic of a fairly unhealthy attitude towards death. I don't think we, as a nation, cope well with it and our reliance on euphemisms is a symptom of that. You only have to experience bereavement yourself (as almost all do at some point) to see how awkwardly people can treat you and how difficult it can be to access support and be open about your feelings etc. Although someone you love dying is horrific regardless of culture, I do think many cultures are far more successful at navigating death and supporting the bereaved. Viewing death as a part of life, and not a taboo. But I don't think that criticising individuals for their language is helpful. It's a larger issue than that.

I watched my mother die of pneumonia in hospital in December 2018, and I found my father's 3 days (I think, based on number of newspapers on the mat) dead body in his house last month, having been alerted by neighbours who hadn't seen him for a couple of days and were concerned. I will use the words "lost" and "passed away" if I like, thanks all the same.

@ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt I am so very sorry for your losses, so close together. That must have been hellishly traumatic for you.

Whoever is most affected by the death gets to choose how they want to describe it.

I absolutely agree with this, grief is a very personal thing.

Some people just find it easier. I get that it’s annoying for some, but in the midst of grief we should probably just let people do what’s easiest.
When I lost a close family member I said “passed away” a lot, because I couldn’t face saying “he’s dead”, it was so blunt.

@mrsgrindah

@ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt I'm so sorry that is really sad for u.

I couldn't say my husband was dead - it just sounded too harsh to me. Can't quite understand how a thread has been made to say how people should refer to their loved ones that are no longer in their lives?

Everyone is different.
Bereavement is one of the most stressful things anyone can go through so whatever helps make it easier to cope with is fine with me.
DH's first job was working in a cemetery, occasionally in the crematorium, and he is very matter of fact about death though.

Nobody can cope with the truth any more. Everything has to be softened. You can’t say men are men and can’t be women. You can’t say someone’s died. You can’t have competitive races at school sports days any more for fear that an unathletic child will find out that they are unathletic. If a 30 stone teenage girl posts a picture of herself in a bikini on FB her friends have to say “OMG YOU LOOK GAWJUSS BABES!!!” and “Swit swoo!!!” in case she thinks she looks overweight.

Truth is frowned upon these days 🤷‍♀️

@antipodeonpizza thank you and for you too

It's pathetic isn't it? Are we so scared of death that we can't even say the word; it would seem so.

I know that at one point newscasters used to use 'dead', 'died' etc with equanimity, but even they seem to have lost that ability. I have written letters, emails and tweets to various programmes asking them to use the proper words, to no avail.

It's like when terrorist atrocities were committed by a 'lone wolf' or whatever the other epithets were, and no-one was killed or murdered, Oh no. They've got over that now thank goodness.

I'm not afraid of death itself but I do agree that a lot of people are. wouldn't deem it pathetic though.