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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate family life?

133 replies

myotherface · 17/05/2020 10:29

Just that really. AIBU for hating family life? I wish I had known people having kids before having them myself. Or known how hard married life is.

I have three gorgeous kids and a doting husband who adores me, does half of childcare and more than half of the housework. I just don't enjoy most of the family life at all. I have a beautiful big house, my dream job helping others that's secure for the rest of my life. Hubby's in a well paid job that he enjoys, kids in a lovely school. Everything going for me really.

This is not lockdown misery but unhappiness that landed me in a psychiatric hospital last year. I'm not depressed any more. I'm very happy at work and when I'm alone. Just deeply unhappy at home.

My husband gets grouchy easily and seems to have a face that permanently looks unfriendly or grumpy. He snaps at all of us easily. I've realised I don't really like the person he is but am totally stuck in my marriage as every time I talk about divorce he changes his behaviour for a couple of weeks and I feel like it's all in my head.

Kids follow me around 24/7. Even when I'm in the bathroom one of them waits behind the door. I hug them and play with them and speak to them in a loving way. But I resent every minute. I feel like such a bad person for feeling this way. I should love my children unconditionally and enjoy spending time with them. The kids must notice I'm not enjoying it. I feel so sorry for them for having been born to a mum like this.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 17/05/2020 10:33

You sound depressed to me. Needy kids and a miserable husband would test most people. Why does he snap at you, have you spoken to him about his attitude?

GoatsDoRome · 17/05/2020 10:33

Sounds to me like you need to just follow through on your divorce

Original poster
myotherface · 17/05/2020 10:49

I feel like the eldest is needy because she has grown up with an intermittently unhappy mum and a critical grumpy dad. The youngest is needy because he is the youngest.

Hubby says he snaps at me because he resents doing so much and feels I don't appreciate it. I feel like it's all completely irrelevant when I just don't love or always even like the person that he is.

We've thought about divorce but it always ends up in (his) tears ans begging me not to leave. He talks about how it would totally mess the kids up and how the kids are perfect and his life is perfect and I just have unrealistic expectations of marriage and family life. I've felt trapped and paralysed for years. At times I feel suicide would be a way out of this but I couldn't do that to the kids. But I feel like divorce would be so horrible for them too. It's a constant vicious cycle in my head I find no answers to.

OP posts:
Neverender · 17/05/2020 10:53

What do you imagine life would be like post-divorce? I'm genuinely curious.

It would be the same but he wouldn't be there and you'd likely be in a shitter house...it's not some sort of dream life...

LaurieMarlow · 17/05/2020 10:56

Why did you have three children OP? Just trying to understand.

BemidjiMinnesota · 17/05/2020 10:56

How did you feel after you had just one child? Was that OK and so you decided to have more and gradually the balance of fun vs effort tipped?

Did you struggle with depression before children or could this be related to PND?

TwistyHair · 17/05/2020 10:59

Your husband may dote on you but being grumpy and snappy doesn’t sound pleasant to be around. No wonder you want to be on your own.

ECBC · 17/05/2020 10:59

You need to accept that whatever you choose will have consequences- whether that is staying in your marriage or getting a divorce. Everything has consequences. But it also sounds like something needs to change for you to be happier. Can you get counselling to talk through these options with someone external? It does sound like you are still depressed, please consider seeing your GP.

MynameisJune · 17/05/2020 11:00

Your husband can’t adore you that much if he snaps at you and is grumpy with the kids.

Kids grow up, it won’t always be this way and suicide is a long term solution to a temporary problem.

Do you actually get any down time? Alone without anyone else around?

emilybrontescorsett · 17/05/2020 11:04

Lots of issues here op.
Oh clearly do not have a good marriage or a good husband if you are want I g to divorce him.
What is it you keep asking him to change?
Why is he so grumpy? Does he regret having kids?
How have you found yourself with 3 children? It's a serious question, when you regret having them?
Having a big house and a husband with lots of money is not the be all and end all. Having said that, it does help to make life more bareable.
Can you speak to your G P and explain how you feel?
It might not be the children who are causing you to feel this way.
Having said that unforunately I agree that many people are not cut out for parenthood.

SonEtLumiere · 17/05/2020 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bellringer · 17/05/2020 11:09

Contact relate

Original poster
myotherface · 17/05/2020 11:12

@Neverender When I think about life post divorce it fills me with relief apart from the consequences on the kids. I imagine a small house as opposed to this big one. I imagine being able to decorate it how I like and leave it messy sometimes without someone nagging. To be able to not have to wash the dishes straight after the meal without an argument. Or even be able to get a dishwasher (DH hates them). I'd get a dog like I've always wanted (again,DH hates dogs). To be able to have a cheerful feel in the house, to be able to have a rub of ice cream and watch TV without someone sneering at my choice of program and comment on the fact that I'm not allowed to cry about being fat if I eat crap. To have child free time half of the week and just enjoy the silence and being able to read etc. The list of positives is endless for me. I'm just unable to do it while dh resists it so much.

OP posts:
Lucywilde · 17/05/2020 11:12

So he’s doing half like he should do and is expecting gratitude? So if he gave the kids tea, he’d want a well done?

I suspect a big part of your problem is your husband and his attitude. Family life isn’t easy. We have three kids and two have disabilities. It’s hard work. I don’t think I ever fully appreciated how much would be involved with raising kids and I thought I was prepared.

The fact that you’ve talked about divorce would suggest to me your husband’s behaviour is an issue. How would life look if you divorced? Finances? Custody? Being divorced would have its difficulties in other ways but you might find things easier without your husband around.

Original poster
myotherface · 17/05/2020 11:16

@LaurieMarlow because I love children and always wanted to have them. I loved it with the eldest but did find it hard as I was trying to finish uni at the same time and hubby was miserable (at that point it seemed like it was due to circumstances). After the second one I still loved having kids but my memories from then on are a bit hazy and can mainly remember the marital troubles. After the third I just realised my way of parenting was going to totally exceed what was possible, severe pnd followed and now four years on I'm hating being a parent. I genuinely had no idea what parenting would be like although I do feel it would feel different on my own or with a different partner.

OP posts:
OpenWheelRace · 17/05/2020 11:16

I think you need some counselling for yourself to give you more confidence to leave your marriage.

You love your job which is amazing, and you clearly love your kids else you wouldn't be trying to put a brave face on.

From what you've posted, it sounds like your husband is the issue - he's applying all this pressure to maintain a "perfect" family life and its him that's bringing you down.

It sounds like living in a smaller house, where you have full autonomy would give you your freedom back.
You'd likely share custody of the children giving you time to yourself.

Divorce doesn't ruin children's lives - being forced to live in an unhappy household does.

I know several parents who have divorced and they're so much happier and feel that the time they spend with their children is far higher quality because they're not so bogged down by it being 24/7

Neverender · 17/05/2020 11:18

From your additions he sounds like a total control freak. Leave the washing up! Get a dog! If he doesn't like it then he can.....well, leave!

Original poster
myotherface · 17/05/2020 11:19

@TwistyHair that's exactly it. I just don't like the atmosphere in the house. He's not like that all the time. If me and eldest are doing something else he sounds totally happy. As soon as me or daughter around he becomes grumpy. I grew up in a very chilled out, happy family and this feels so alien and horrible.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 17/05/2020 11:19

Op, I stayed married for years because of the kids. Divorced now. Blissfully happy. Kids happier too. Of course they are, their mum's happier.
I think I you need to stop beating yourself up with guilt. You start your op saying you have a lovely life, then go on to detail that it's anything but.

Elsiebear90 · 17/05/2020 11:20

You sound like you’re still depressed, I understand you no longer love your husband and your kids are a bit needy, but to regret having them and be miserable spending time with them doesn’t sound right when there was obviously a point in time where you didn’t regret them as you had three children.

I don’t think you should stay with your husband as there’s no love there and you say you don’t even like him, but to try and offer balance, to have a severely mentally unwell partner who, has been in a psychiatric hospital, is miserable all the time and clearly hates being around you and your three kids must be terrible, I really don’t know how I would cope with that, it would be extremely stressful and get me down and it might be why he appears to be miserable and grouchy. My partner has suffered from depression in the past and it is exhausting being around someone who is so utterly miserable and negative even though they can’t help it. I should also add, when she’s been very down in the past she over analyses our relationship and thinks she’s depressed because of that, then when she starts to feel better she can’t believe she felt that way. I’m not saying if you weren’t depressed you’d be happy with your husband, but I am saying you sound very depressed and that’s probably clouding your judgment surrounding your enjoyment of family life and spending time with your children.

Neverender · 17/05/2020 11:20

And get a huuuuge tub of ice cream and watch crap on telly. With headphones on (so you can't hear him). Can you pretend he isn't there?

OpenWheelRace · 17/05/2020 11:20

Cross posted with you a bit there OP.

I'm just unable to do it while dh resists it so much.

It's not his choice - it's yours. You are desperately unhappy, so leave. The new life you described not only sounds like a huge improvement for you, but an enormous improvement for your children.

At the moment your kids live in a very unhappy house with a downtrodden, depressed Mum and a snappy, criticising, controlling Dad. You need to step up and change that.

Mummadeeze · 17/05/2020 11:21

Only advice I can offer are coping strategies at the moment. Try to fill your life with some things you enjoy that make happy. It sounds like you have spent a long time trying (and maybe not totally achieving) to make others happy to the point where you have lost your identity. Even your job involves caring for others. If you find some time to cultivate a hobby that fulfils you, you may not resent the family time so much. I mix up my down time between playing with my child and then going running on my own, reading a book I like, watching programmes I like on my phone etc. I also watch programmes she likes with her but it is a balance. I do feel for you as you sound really unhappy but it must also be amplified by the lockdown at the moment. Re your relationship, I think many of us are in relationships for the sake of our children - rightly or wrongly. Agree that relationship counselling might help.

stairgates · 17/05/2020 11:21

I would revisit the divorce option. I think the children might be happier in the long run than having two currently disappointed parents. He doesnt need to be dragging you down like that all the time.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 17/05/2020 11:21

My goodness this is no way to live. Read your post over, you start off saying he is a wonderful husband and then admit he isn’t. Telling yourself or allowing his truth that he is to overpower your reality is what is messing with your head. You’re miserable. You don’t like him. That will mess your kids up. Not divorce. Trust me, I speak from experience. Choose happiness.