to hate family life?

[myotherface]

Just that really. AIBU for hating family life? I wish I had known people having kids before having them myself. Or known how hard married life is.

I have three gorgeous kids and a doting husband who adores me, does half of childcare and more than half of the housework. I just don't enjoy most of the family life at all. I have a beautiful big house, my dream job helping others that's secure for the rest of my life. Hubby's in a well paid job that he enjoys, kids in a lovely school. Everything going for me really.

This is not lockdown misery but unhappiness that landed me in a psychiatric hospital last year. I'm not depressed any more. I'm very happy at work and when I'm alone. Just deeply unhappy at home.

My husband gets grouchy easily and seems to have a face that permanently looks unfriendly or grumpy. He snaps at all of us easily. I've realised I don't really like the person he is but am totally stuck in my marriage as every time I talk about divorce he changes his behaviour for a couple of weeks and I feel like it's all in my head.

Kids follow me around 24/7. Even when I'm in the bathroom one of them waits behind the door. I hug them and play with them and speak to them in a loving way. But I resent every minute. I feel like such a bad person for feeling this way. I should love my children unconditionally and enjoy spending time with them. The kids must notice I'm not enjoying it. I feel so sorry for them for having been born to a mum like this.

You describe him as 'doting' but having read your updates, he actually sounds suffocating. I bet if you want to go somewhere without him or the kids, you get lots of passive aggressive comments.

You can love someone without spending 24/7 in their pocket. I love my DH very much, but if he wanted to spend every waking minute with me I'd scream - and I know he feels the same.

Being blunt, your marriage sounds like a prison. And I suspect the reason why you are so unhappy is because you know that you want to leave - and that no amount of him trying to be different, will change how you feel. You know what? There's nothing wrong with that. It's OK to grow up and change and fall out of love with someone. It doesn't matter if they are the nicest, kindest, most considerate person in the world - if you don't love them then you don't have to stay with them.

You're worried about the impact of a split on your kids - that's normal. But at the moment your children are growing up in a household where you are showing them that staying married at all costs - even at the expense of your mental health - is more important than being happy and well. I'd say that's not a healthy dynamic for any of you.

Last of all, you don't need his permission to leave him. If you want to end the marriage then you tell him. He can try and be difficult, he can emotionally blackmail you, he can turn on the tears and promise to change, he can threaten and beg and shout and plead. All of it makes no difference - you can still press ahead with a divorce, find somewhere else to live, sort out access arrangements for the children and live your life without him.

It really does sound as if a huge chunk of your current MH problems are rooted in an unhappy marriage. You have one life - do you really want another 40-odd years of this?

He’s a bully. Whinging when you don’t do what HE wants on HIS schedule. You have to wash up when he says so, tidy up when he says so. He dictates what you can eat, what you can buy, what decor and pets you’re allowed to have. It’s abusive and controlling. Divorce him.

Thank you so much for everyone that has taken the time to comment. I have a new therapist and haven't really talked about this with him yet. I think it's time to start using his help with this now. I do think you are all right and deep down I know divorce is the right thing to do. It just feels so hard to get started and put up with the initial awfulness at home that will follow.

Someone commented on me maybe not being meant to be a parent. Both family and friends always comment on quite the opposite. How I was clearly meant to be a mother and how amazed they are at my patience with the kids and how much I do with them. Children in general tend to gravitate towards me. My children's friends are always asking when they can come around again and I tend to have little "friends" at school who come for a hug at pickup and drop off times. I think part of the problem is that I've expected myself to be the totally perfect parent for ten years now and I've exhausted myself. I've never let myself shout at them,take time to understand their point of view in conflicts rather than just telling off and up until recently I never said no to requests to play. It's just not a sustainable way to parent.

The thought of a cramped house doesn't upset me at all. I have a good job and could easily get extra money with extra shifts whilst kids were at their dads. There seems to be perfect little bungalows next door to neighbors I know to be nice constantly for sale. Kids could stay in their usual school and older ones even walk from mine to their dads.

I just need to somehow build up the confidence to leave. I might look for a Mumsnet support thread from people in similar situations.

Your post divorce life sounds amazing. Dishwashers are amazing too! It sounds like you know what you need to do, it’s just getting the courage to do it. Also, it’s no wonder the kids want to be with you all the time and not go on walks with him. He doesn’t sound like the kind of person you’d want to go on a walk with. The kids would be upset about a divorce initially but I’m sure they would soon start to feel the benefits of a less stressful home life. Good luck with it all.

Oh and I honestly cannot understand how someone with three kids, with space and who can afford one wouldn't want a AAA rated dishwasher. Easiest way to have a tidy kitchen quickly.

What a twat not wanting one. 🙄

From your first post it was unclear as to why you were so unhappy... The additional posts you've made show a completely different situation. Your hubby doesn't dote on you... He a miserable bigger! I don't think there's much to salvage of your marriage. His tears are just a form of control. Kids living in households with unhappy parents don't thrive well, they don't thank their parents in the long run either. Even if parents think they're putting on a good show. If I were you I'd sit down and make some notes with regards to finances, get a solicitor and find out what you're entitled to. You can co- parent and be happy. Or at least happier. I would also make an appointment to see your GP and look at medication for depression or counselling.

OP start a new thread in relationships - if you look there are quite a few on there for people who are in your position, gathering strength to make changes and preparing to leave. Good luck.

Op can I just say I relate to a lot of this, but as a single parent who's partner left me with three very young kids. It's a lot harder on my own. I definitely wouldn't have had kids had I known it was this hard: I live for the tues and Thursday evenings
They go to their dads for a few hours during the wknd and ever second wknd and then I've to rush and do a food shop, clean, work and study. There's no me time: NONE. The wknds they're at their dads I'll often sleep 10/12 hours at night just from complete exhaustion. The grass isn't always greener. I'm often tired and cranky with the kids and it's not their fault.

I would suggest some counselling first. And then maybe couples counselling.