to hate family life?

[myotherface]

Just that really. AIBU for hating family life? I wish I had known people having kids before having them myself. Or known how hard married life is.

I have three gorgeous kids and a doting husband who adores me, does half of childcare and more than half of the housework. I just don't enjoy most of the family life at all. I have a beautiful big house, my dream job helping others that's secure for the rest of my life. Hubby's in a well paid job that he enjoys, kids in a lovely school. Everything going for me really.

This is not lockdown misery but unhappiness that landed me in a psychiatric hospital last year. I'm not depressed any more. I'm very happy at work and when I'm alone. Just deeply unhappy at home.

My husband gets grouchy easily and seems to have a face that permanently looks unfriendly or grumpy. He snaps at all of us easily. I've realised I don't really like the person he is but am totally stuck in my marriage as every time I talk about divorce he changes his behaviour for a couple of weeks and I feel like it's all in my head.

Kids follow me around 24/7. Even when I'm in the bathroom one of them waits behind the door. I hug them and play with them and speak to them in a loving way. But I resent every minute. I feel like such a bad person for feeling this way. I should love my children unconditionally and enjoy spending time with them. The kids must notice I'm not enjoying it. I feel so sorry for them for having been born to a mum like this.

Two things stand out to me:

You haven’t said how old your children are, OP. Without that, it’s hard to know if the clingyness is likely to change soon. Although you’ve said it’s not related to lockdown, presumably when you have your job to go to and they have school, you do get some time to yourself?

You sound like someone introverted that desperately needs some alone time to flourish. I wouldn’t necessarily leap at divorce at the moment - you’re under a lot of pressure and not in the best mental space, so I wouldn’t say this is the best time to make a lasting decision. What you definitely need is some time to yourself and some space you can control. Your DH takes the kids out sometimes, but your eldest doesn’t want to go. How about you go out on your own for an afternoon? You are now allowed to go some distance and be out for as long as you like. So pack up a picnic and some books, drive somewhere a decent distance away, park up and relax on your own for a while. It’s perfectly fair to do this if your DH also gets a day off from the kids on another occasion.

Longer term, it really sounds like you need to carve out your own space/time on a regular basis. You say you like the idea of a small house so that you can decide on one decor - if you have a big house now, do you have space for a room to be just for you and your hobbiesr? Something you can decorate and keep your own things in? With the understanding that there are regular (possibly prearranged) times that you can go in there and lock the door and have some time to yourself. It’s not bad for your kids to learn the concept of personal space providing they are getting a decent amount of your time and attention at other times, which it sounds like they are.

If you do decide that divorce is the best option for you to get some time to yourself, then I would suggest not dashing into it while lockdown is still in force. While I don’t think divorce is always bad for children, I think separating now might be difficult for them because they don’t have school/friends to distract them so they might dwell on it too much.

I think you should move this to Relationships.

Also, trying to get a divorce now during corona time sounds like hell.

OP, sorry to pick up on the least important issue here but do you have a run for your guinea pigs to go in the garden?

You mentioned that the house is big so I am assuming the garden is a decent size?

Seeing guineas running about and munching on the grass is so lovely and there's nothing they like more either. Ours used to live outside all year round and were happy as Larry .

I could have wrote this 6 years ago, felt totally lost and fed up with my boring life, was married to someone who expected dinner on table when he returned from work, expected house to be tidy, he was boring, didn’t ever want to go out and didn’t want me to go out either, I lost all my friends and felt like I was just “a boring mum”, my life was just about my kids, running around after them, fighting their corner with hospital appointments (both have ASD) with hardly any support from DH. 5 years ago I ended out marriage and things slowly began to improve, the kids are now older and instead of just running around after them they are great company and we have great fun together. I’m now looking to the future, looking forward to the kids being more independent and hoping I can travel one day (alone or with someone else).

Things do get easier, you will be a mum forever but kids become less demanding and more independent giving you more time to be you.

I love my kids to bits but no way would I go through it again, motherhood wasn’t what I expected it to be, it’s hard, depressing at times and lonely.

He sounds an awful controlling man.

The dw thing alone is enough for me.

I’m just getting over the lack of a dishwasher in such a huge house

Trail separation?
See who you both are apart - post kids.
See if it's you - him - or your depression. I think it would have to be for a period sufficiently long to stop him being able to maintain a facade and for you to get used to having time alone.
It's a thing that seems to be very out of fashion, but might allow you a buffer to check how you really feel without having the mental noise of him, and the kids, filling your head all the time.

After lockdown, book yourself a holiday somewhere with just you and your friends for a bit of respite.
When you return, book a holiday for your DH to go away somewhere without you - with or without children (maybe away with his parents?)
Then that's a few days to get your head in gear to move forward and decide how to act on your thoughts of being a single parent.

So the "doting husband who adores me" is a joyless, controlling grouch who constantly makes you miserable. He doesn't sound very adoring.

He doesn't get to choose if you get divorced or not. If you want a divorce you are allowed to have one.

Your kids will be a lot happier and feel more secure, if their mum is happy and they are not living in a miserable house with their father's constant criticism, sucking the life out of everything.

Talk to Women's Aid and find out your options. Life's too short to spend it being unhappy.

OP you sound like my Mum. She endured 20 years of living with my constantly critical, atmosphere changing husband until he finally left her for another woman. She now lives in a small house (downsized from one of the biggest houses in our town) decorated and kept exactly as she’d like it, and her children love to visit. She wishes she’d left him sooner.

From the children’s (all teens) perspective we were relieved when he left. It was like the sun came out from behind the clouds. We learned that we could laugh at stupid things and not have to abruptly stop when he came in the room, and we realised that we’d all been fearful growing up in case we did something “wrong”.

Get some counselling to unpick your thoughts, and if you think you’d be happier leaving him, do it.

It's very sad that you think you have a doting husband who adores you!

Perhaps if you didn't have him around bringing your mood down then you might find the kids easier to cope with.

What do you mean by "half the childcare"-he's just being a parent when at home-or should be!

I do find it odd that you get no down time as one kid won't go out with him-why doesn't your husband just take them anyway?

I'm not sure why you think the guinea pigs being in the porch is bad though-where do you want them to be?

Ours were always outside & in the laundry room in the depths of Winter.

Obviously in a run as much as possible.

If you want a dishwasher then get one!

When he does the washing up he doesn't have to use it!

All of that said, if you're not happy then there's no point in staying.

Your later comments Contradict your OP regarding your ‘doting’ husband.

He’s controlling, grumpy and manipulative.

Leave him and be happy.

Good for you OP - take little steps to make yourself happier and he can fuck off if he doesn't like it.

You know how to fix all of this - DIVORCE.

Your husband sounds awful. Separate ASAP.

I think of depression as a pair of grey coloured glasses, you can’t see any colours while they’re on. A part of you knows your kids are great and you have a great house and job but you can’t see the good in this.

You say you feel good at work, work can be easier than family life, you’re not as emotionally invested and there’s clear expectations of what you need to do.

Talk to your husband, it sounds like he may be feeling bad too. Three kids are a lot of work, you may just be burnt out, you need to support each other on this.

Try to loosen up with your kids if you have high standards. Have a lazy day when you just enjoy each other. Now we have unlimited exercise and good weather spend a day in fresh air, kids are so much easier outside.

Good luck, a lot of family life is just stressful.

Might be the husband?

I found when we hired a local sixth former to be with the twins - for Saturday and Sunday mornings so we could each work or just sit in silence reading for the morning life was easier (and I was lucky enough to afford that) - not everyone wants or needs to be with their children 24/7.

We also had a period when one of us looked after the children on Saturdays and the other on Sundays.

Don't usually advocate splitting up families except as an absolute last option, but I think you really have to separate and divorce. A father who is obviously and continually hostile and critical to the mother of his children is really damaging to the mother and the children. It is not a coincidence that your dream is a quiet life free from criticism and control with peaceful moments in front of the television and some time on your own. This isn't much to expect from life, it really isn't and I would say you will find new joy in your children if you get there. So that should be your aim. I would add if you can get enough space to keep a little 🐐 then it will be even better😄

He's done such a number on you op. You are depressed because of him, processionals have said so yet your here feeling guilty for him. You even recognise that he tries when you threaten divorce but it soon slips.

This is hell for you and your kids. Your life doesn't sound idyllic at all.

Find your strength and leave.

myotherfacemy dear op, when I read what you have written, I feel your pain. I strongly suspect that you are at the end of your rope and that you do not feel resilient. I suspect that you are depressed and that you may need some kind of psychiatric medication to boost and stabilize your mood. I am saying that as someone who has been in your shoes. When a person feels as joyless as you do, that is a real danger sign. You deserve better. When you reveal what you did to us, you did something very healthy and life affirming, because I think you are trying to find some way to get more joy and meaning into your life. If you can get the chemical balance right, the joy will be greater, I promise you. Even if you are taking medication now, it may not be the right medication for you. Work with your doctor to get it fixedI promise you that if you do, good decisions can follow from that point.

He sounds like a twat, you should leave, the kids will probably be happier and not so needy if you are more calm and relaxed. I'm single in my own flat and love it, and do all those things you dream of doing, my DC is happy to.

I couldnt live by his boring rules.

Your husband is probably as miserable with you as you are with him. I would be careful about thinking the grass would be greener elsewhere though. It’s only green where you water it. Hope you can get support help and support that would make you feel better soon. It’s horrible feeling fed up all the time and marriage shouldn’t be hard work.

Your husband is a miserable controlling man who doesn't like his eldest daughter, no surprise that your children won't leave you alone. This is no way to live and very damaging for your poor daughter.

I'm just unable to do it while dh resists it so much.

If you feel this then I also expect you bend to his will on other things too.

Your marriage is over. you just need then strength to do so. He doesn't get a say in the matter.

I had one child and felt similar. Hence, I am not having any more.