to hate family life?

[myotherface]

Just that really. AIBU for hating family life? I wish I had known people having kids before having them myself. Or known how hard married life is.

I have three gorgeous kids and a doting husband who adores me, does half of childcare and more than half of the housework. I just don't enjoy most of the family life at all. I have a beautiful big house, my dream job helping others that's secure for the rest of my life. Hubby's in a well paid job that he enjoys, kids in a lovely school. Everything going for me really.

This is not lockdown misery but unhappiness that landed me in a psychiatric hospital last year. I'm not depressed any more. I'm very happy at work and when I'm alone. Just deeply unhappy at home.

My husband gets grouchy easily and seems to have a face that permanently looks unfriendly or grumpy. He snaps at all of us easily. I've realised I don't really like the person he is but am totally stuck in my marriage as every time I talk about divorce he changes his behaviour for a couple of weeks and I feel like it's all in my head.

Kids follow me around 24/7. Even when I'm in the bathroom one of them waits behind the door. I hug them and play with them and speak to them in a loving way. But I resent every minute. I feel like such a bad person for feeling this way. I should love my children unconditionally and enjoy spending time with them. The kids must notice I'm not enjoying it. I feel so sorry for them for having been born to a mum like this.

I've never heard of anyone hating dishwashers before, why on earth does he hate them?! They are wonderful, life-improving machines. And unless he has a phobia or is allergic to dogs he can't really stop you from having one, especially if he doesn't have to look after it. Agree some rules about a dog - no access to bedrooms, needs to stay off furniture etc - and he'll know you're serious. The kids would LOVE it, four of you would be very happy! Good luck OP x

Well if you think you will be happier in a messy house with a dog go for it. You may be poor but you will be free from a grumpy man.

He sounds horrible - a lot like my ex!

Your vision of the divorce is not unrealistic. It’s a lot like my vision was and that came true.

Yes the kids still play up, and the little one has been following me around a lot in lockdown (understandable but still hard to take - he’s 6 so was much more settled before the lockdown).

Only thing not to count on is much time to yourself as if he’s like my ex he’ll be v flakey re contact.

2bazookas

What on Earth post did you read?

So sorry OP your husband sounds like my ex.

At one point things were so bad with him and I hated my life so much I keep fantasizing about driving my car into a tree.

I am an optimistic positive person and have no history of depression.

Your vision if life after divorce is what my life is like now!

I left exh because of his emotional abuse, mostly giving me the silent treatment as punishment.

But he was also a control freak and very critical.

He pulled his weight compared to other husbands and on paper our life seemed great.

He told me (and still tries to) that there was nothing wrong with our life and our marriage but I have moments of pure joy every day when I can make plans or leave the mess or watch rubbish on TV without feeling his silent (or not) disapproval.

I agonized for years about leaving, counselling helped (I initially went to "fix me" as I felt there was something wrong with me and exh told me there was too).

Posting on here helped immeasurably too.

I went to counselling with exh, it showed me that he had no clue about his behaviour and no intention of changing apart from 10 days when he made a bit of an effort.

Like you, life was all ups and downs and I discussed separation with exh several times.

Then things got better and I thought I was spoilt or selfish and should just get on with things.

Turns out my life is a whole lot lighter without exh despite me ending up with the DC 90% of the time (that's a different story).

Today I am savouring having nothing to do and noone to report to.

Your DH is the problem here. You are dreaming of a life that can actually be achieved. You have a job and it seems can afford a smaller house. Your children will be happy as long as there is less tension. Have counselling first to prep yourself for it. For those saying the grass is not always greener on the other side, surely it would be greener than constant critism and moodiness.

Defo divorce him. I bet you’d find the kids much easier to be around if you had a break as well.

Go for it. Life is far too short and his happiness is not more important that yours. He will get over it and possibly be more happy with someone who likes him.

Not wanting a divorce is just another way of controlling you like not wanting a dishwasher, not wanting a dog, being grumpy so you alter your behaviour so you don’t set him off
If he doesn’t like having dishes in the sink then to my mind if he doesn’t want a dishwasher he is the dishwasher.

I think you would be so much happier apart.

Ultimately even a dream house can become a guilded cage

2bazookas The OP is under the care of a psychiatric team who have all said that her husband is the source of her mental health problems.

If you're going to wade into the thread with your ridiculous comments then maybe try reading the OP's posts first? It might have saved you from looking like a complete fool.

Oh I really feel for you OP.

I narrowly missed marriage to someone like your DH. We'd been together for 10 years and I gradually got the clarity I needed thanks to counselling for a completely separate issue.

I'd had a breakdown at work. After a few months off and clearing my head of the mess it had become, I suddenly realised that I was actually really, really unhappy. With my job. With my relationship. Everything. I didn't know who I was anymore. I suffered terribly with depression.

Finally, I managed to get the confidence to leave when a) I had realised what was making me unhappy and b) I'd started doing things for myself despite his constant grumbling. I'd joined a theatre group (he'd been quite keen to squash my involvement in music and drama throughout our relationship). It made me feel like me again. I had my own friends and people who reminded me that I was something without that man involved in my life.

When you're in a relationship like that, you start going along with stuff just for the sake of peace. I know it all too well. That combined with being constantly told I wasn't doing things right, being gaslighted over things I said or didn't say, being made to believe that I wasn't good enough and I was lucky to have someone like him in my life. Over 10 years that shit really grinds you down and you start to believe. Don't even get me started on the coercion.

So, I would say, don't ignore this feeling. Don't ignore how miserable you are. But stay in counselling to help you gain some clarity. And start doing some things (extremely hard with 3 kids) for you. No matter how small. Do it even if he grumbles. Do it because he grumbles - because I've found that the reasons why they grumble are because they start to dislike your independence. They dislike your potential to be your own person.

These things will give you the confidence, even with the begging, to leave. You are so close.

Yes, the kids will be unhappy, for a while. But they're probably already unhappy seeing you being squashed. They probably already pick up that you're dreadfully unhappy. Wouldn't your kids be much happier with 2 parents who effectively co-parent, who are happy and confident themselves, who set the example of not to just put up and shut up when they're unhappy?

If everything is so bad for you, you should make plans to separate.All these grievances will eat you up,and things won't improve. Despite saying that your Husband doesn't want to divorce, would his idea tally with yours, regarding all the issues that you have about your marriage?

You should think of your children first and yourself second - until they are adult.

You can do it. You know there is actually only one thing wrong.

I think sometimes women are just not natural mothers. My mum isn't a natural mother and she never was when we were growing up. she was capable of taking care of us and she certainly didn't abuse or neglect us. But she even to this day can't be warm, kind, genuine, proud, helpful and stuff. I never felt she was there for me as a teenager. Now I'm 30 she's told me she never wanted any of us. She loved us I guess but she hoped her period would arrive with my sister. She was gutted when she fell pregnant with her 1st and 2nd. My sister was planned (3rd) for her new husband's sake (my dad) and I was a mistake that followed 13 months later. I only saw these things when I was pregnant with my first child. Now I struggle to understand her and why she didnt enjoy us more. The relationship I have with mine is hopefully close. They get hugs. We talk about things. We tell our kids we love them every night. My mum's never wanted to do any of these things. But what stands out to me the most is she didn't entertain us. We amused ourselves. It was always my friends families that took me to the park, the fair, the river for a picnic. My mum only let me have a burger and chips for tea on my birthday. I was never allowed a teaparty and a couple of friends over. Most years I didn't get a cake. She would get a frozen thing out the freezer. She just doesn't think parties are needed etc. She comments now with my kids. It's like she wants me to follow her beliefs.

If you carry on not being happy with life then your kids will remember that you were not happy. I'm not putting you down. I'm sure you love your children. But you need to find a way to love time with them.

Some days are a slog. I am fed up today because my five year old smashed my makeup bottle and wasted a £30 foundation. I don't love every second. But I love my family and it's so important to me that my kids go out into the world with confidence knowing they are worth it.

That said you need to get out of a unhappy realtionship if it can't be saved. You can't force yourself to be happy with him.

I think you need to get some support in place. You don't want your kids thinking like I do now. It's sad to realise you had a mum who just didn't enjoy you very much. She also put little time and effort in with me when I had my kids. She doesn't work. Yet she never came over or asked to help. She didn't even come to visit us in hospital. I would have loved a mum who would come see the new baby. What a special moment they missed. But I guess she simply didn't want too.

I usually hate all the LTB posts on mumsnet, but this time I really think you do.

You have said you don't love him, you're not happy and there's an uncomfortable atmosphere in the house. Think of your children, what must it be like growing up in a house like this?

My daughter's friend is in a similar situation and she constantly tells my daughter how she wishes her parents would just split up. It's heartbreaking to hear. But as your children get older they will notice and see. If you had fallen out of love, but had found a way to live amicably as parents raising your children, this would be a different matter. But you haven't.

A previous poster has said how much damage it has done to her growing up in an unhappy house. It's not what your husband wants. It's what you want. If you're not happy, you need to find what's making you unhappy and change it. Unfortunately, from what you've said it sounds like the marriage.

Honestly, I think you'd like family life a whole lot more if your controlling, emotionally manipulating H weren't a part of it.

Try a mental exercise of visualizing you and the DC without him. In a little house of your own, decorated as you want, parenting as you want. Not 'blue sky imagining', but with a scenario rooted in reality of what you might be able to afford and with the 'routine' you'd need to establish. So the 'reality' of school, homework, the day to day of life with DC but managed as you'd like it to be managed. So, maybe dishes in the sink, homework or 'projects' spread across the table. Sitting with the DC with that tub of ice cream watching telly. Or maybe walking down to the 'imaginary' park instead of straightening the living room. Crawling into your own slightly messy bed at the end of a happy yet perhaps a wee bit hectic day. I'd be willing to bet that when you do this, you'll realize that 'family life' doesn't sound so bad.

And the fact that you think you 'can't' divorce because HE doesn't want to speaks more volumes than the Encyclopedia Brittanica. You are NOT responsible for his happiness, no matter what he's made you think or feel. You are responsible for your own happiness, first and foremost. And a happy mum makes for happy children.

If your counselor feels that your DH is responsible for much of your unhappiness believe them. As a PP mentioned above, that is NOT something a counselor would ever say unless they were 100% sure that, not only was it true, but that you were endangering your MH by staying.

I think try to treat your depression and any other MH problems first, get better, then see where you are. Oh and order a dishwasher ASAP, that should help a lot. Your DH's things don't have to go in it, after all! The separate holiday is a good idea too - places in the UK are booking again from July.

However, I do think you are being unreasonable about wanting to get a dog if your DH doesn't. MN is generally pretty clear that everyone in a household should be in agreement about getting a dog, as they are such a big commitment. I honestly don't like dogs and, even though I would never be cruel to an animal, the thought of one sitting on furniture I am using or on a bed makes my skin crawl - I am just trying to convey what your husband's dislike might feel like to him. Try 'Borrow my doggy' instead? That would also have the advantage of giving you exercise and new social contact. Even introducing guinea pigs without his agreement was a bit unreasonable to be honest, although I like Guinea pigs and they are innocent, daft little creatures!

I would be careful what you wish for...Your vision of the future might turn out to be a small house in a worse area, with your children upset at the lack of contact with their father (because a good looking single man will be snapped up by another woman, who might not necessarily like kids) and a badly-behaved dog that you don't have time to train properly.

Dh often shoots down my ideas or offers realism and sarcasm for my ideas and projects. He never sees anyone, doesn't have hobbies and would like me to just spend all my time with him and/or the kids. Weekend away on my own to him is a ridiculous thought and an insult meaning I don't enjoy his company

This is really nasty, controlling behaviour. OP, no wonder you're
depressed.

I narrowly escaped marriage to a man like this. It took friends to point out that the reason I was suicidal might be because he sucked every last bit of joy out of life.

I'd imagine that in the event of you and dh getting a divorce, the children would be overjoyed. He sounds awful OP. Controlling, and undermining you at every opportunity, then turning on the waterworks when you mention divorce. And honestly, if your cpn is inferring that you mh issues are down to your dh, then listen. Believe me they would not say that unless they believe that to be the case. I would start making plans for a divorce now, don't threaten him with it, just tell him once you have your affairs in order and another house to go to. You can't live like this and neither can your children

Many years ago when I was married to DD's father a simple chore was the moment I realised the marriage was over. I'd been ironing and exH started with his usual "do you HAVE to do that now?" comments and sighing that I never get the creases right. I left him to it and went into where my DD was happily playing and I thought.." one day she may meet someone like her dad and what would she have learnt from me? That she'll have to put up with whatever gets thrown at her (metaphorically speaking), simply because that's what I was allowing to happen to me. Would she become a shell of the person she was then?" At that point I knew I owed to her to give her a better role model than the one she had. She's in her late 20's now and is, for the most part, confident, strong and happy.
We left and moved to a smaller home, had less money and fewer holidays, but we had a peaceful, happy home where mess (within reason), was allowed, she could have her friends over for tea (exH insisted that her friends could only come over if they all played quietly in her room because he didn't want to be disturbed by noise if there was something he wanted to do. Her friends stopped coming in the end because he was so sour).
I suppose what I'm getting at in this rambling post is don't think about the crushing life you would have if you stayed, look at your children, ask yourself "what sort of life to they deserve" and do what you can to give it to them....being with 2 happy parents living apart,is better than being with 2 miserable ones living together.

This is awful his constant pecking is not doing you or the DC any good.
I hope you get your little peaceful house, please chase your dream.

OP,
What screamed at me from your opening post is no wonder you have mental problems.....the beginning of your post is you obviously telling yourself you are happy, have a truly wonderful everything, including husband and by the end of your post you are revealing a shit show of a life, that sounds really awful and stressful.

Be honest with yourself totally.

Your husband sounds like a horror and your children being clingy is probably a reaction to a very stressful home.

Your MH team point to your husband being the problem...I think they are correct.

Your peace of mind is priceless.....i would much rather live in a small pokey house than a large stressful one.

There is probably nothing fundamentally wrong with you that divorce wouldn't cure.

How many brave women on MN tell stories of the wonder of their peaceful lives, once they get away from the wrong man.

Wishing you the best

it sounds like after lockdown you need time to your self to help you work some things out.Once in a wile my other half and i take time away from the family and go away for a few days.It helps give us a break.For example my other half will go to his best mates house for a few days every few months with a few mates .They hang out have fun wile i look after the children.

Then every few months i do similar i don't have friends so i just spend time by myself.I once took a week away in New York and found it so much easier to look after my family once i had a break.It gave me time to think

when lock down is over you need time to work out what you want were do you want to go in life.Whats making you feel so unhappy

@tara66

Did you know that when an aeroplane gets into trouble and face masks are deployed, they ask that mothers (or fathers) put their face mask on first, before their children.

It's so that the mothers can stay alive, for their children.

It's an extreme example however, the sentiment that women should always think of themselves last and put children first is damaging.

How is she meant to look after her children to the best of her ability if her mental health isn't 100%?

I would argue that yes, the majority of the time our children need to be put first. However, a mother is not just a mother. They are a person with needs of their own, and these need to be looked after in order for a mother to function.