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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate family life?

133 replies

myotherface · 17/05/2020 10:29

Just that really. AIBU for hating family life? I wish I had known people having kids before having them myself. Or known how hard married life is.

I have three gorgeous kids and a doting husband who adores me, does half of childcare and more than half of the housework. I just don't enjoy most of the family life at all. I have a beautiful big house, my dream job helping others that's secure for the rest of my life. Hubby's in a well paid job that he enjoys, kids in a lovely school. Everything going for me really.

This is not lockdown misery but unhappiness that landed me in a psychiatric hospital last year. I'm not depressed any more. I'm very happy at work and when I'm alone. Just deeply unhappy at home.

My husband gets grouchy easily and seems to have a face that permanently looks unfriendly or grumpy. He snaps at all of us easily. I've realised I don't really like the person he is but am totally stuck in my marriage as every time I talk about divorce he changes his behaviour for a couple of weeks and I feel like it's all in my head.

Kids follow me around 24/7. Even when I'm in the bathroom one of them waits behind the door. I hug them and play with them and speak to them in a loving way. But I resent every minute. I feel like such a bad person for feeling this way. I should love my children unconditionally and enjoy spending time with them. The kids must notice I'm not enjoying it. I feel so sorry for them for having been born to a mum like this.

OP posts:

Elsiebear90 · 17/05/2020 11:22

Just saw your updates, he’s been grumpy and miserable prior to you being depressed, so I think your husband is the main issue and you should leave him.

Original poster

myotherface · 17/05/2020 11:22

@ECBC I've been getting counselling for a while and am under community mental health team although they are getting ready to discharge me as I've been so much chirpier for a month or so. Cmht people have always seemed to think dh is the main cause of my depression. I worry they only see my side of the story and the whole cause might actually be me. To both DH.s grumpiness and therefore my misery.

OP posts:

Coffeecak3 · 17/05/2020 11:22

If your dh met someone else do you think he would leave?
Would you leave if you met someone else?
It seems to me that you're not staying in your marriage for the right reasons.
You could stay and then one day your dh decides to leave anyway.

Neverender · 17/05/2020 11:22

And order a dishwasher!

stairgates · 17/05/2020 11:23

As Neverender says :) And if he starts criticising, say ' I want a divorce and this is exactly why!' Hopefully he will take it in and have a clear example of what is upsetting you :)

dontdisturbmenow · 17/05/2020 11:24

Do you ever consider what your life would be without them? You might be amazed how much you might be taking them for granted and would actually end up desperately missing what you think you don't enjoy.

What it sounds like is struggling with how hard day life is. It is normal.for it to be hard, bit you need to focus on the pleasures that come with the hard work. It will gradually get easier, hold on to that.

Original poster

myotherface · 17/05/2020 11:24

@MynameisJune during lockdown no. hubby tries to take them for a walk once in a while to let me have some time alone but eldest refuses to leave me. So no downtime, ever. Once the kids go to bed dh wants to chat, have sex or just spend time with me.. so it doesn't feel any different to kids being up.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 17/05/2020 11:28

Your H sounds insufferable tbh... he doesn't adore you - there is nothing adoring in his behaviour

When the professionals are indicating that they think your H is the cause of your unhappiness listen to them they won't say those things lightly. Sounds like he controls everything - no compromise. Not allowed a dishwasher FFS but he moans about doing his share of the housework and parenting!

Bagelsandbrie · 17/05/2020 11:28

Just order the sodding dishwasher.

But - your issue is your dh. You don’t love him, he’s moody and grumpy. Most of your issues are related to him. You’d be happier alone, plus he’d have the kids on his own sometimes which would give you more alone time.

I had severe pnd after the birth of my first child 17 years ago. I left her dad when she was 6 months old (we’d been together 6 years). I’d just had enough. He was a moody shit as well. I wanted my life back. He had dd every other weekend with his mum and dad and I suddenly felt so much better, I actually started to bond with dd and we have a great relationship now (she’s nearly 17 now).

I went on to remarry and have another child - who is now nearly 8. I feel like a completely different person now and I enjoy both the dc. I think a lot of my issues were with my ex dh. He just sucked the life out of me.

Neverender · 17/05/2020 11:28

What would he do if you insisted on the things YOU want?

Raaaa · 17/05/2020 11:30

I get what you mean in your first paragraph. I was the first in my group/family to have children and at points lonely. Especially when I was on fb and saw others meeting up and doing things and I was stuck at home on my own. I was 22 when I had my first, now I don't regret it for a second.

I hope you sort it out x

Original poster

myotherface · 17/05/2020 11:30

@emilybrontescorsett What I've asked him to change is to be kind. To use a kind and respectful tone instead of condescending and hostile even when discussing something he's not happy about. I've told him I'm happy for him to do no housework or anything at all. It wouldn't bother me. All I want is for him to be nice to me and DD. But I'm super sensitive too. The other day he got annoyed about some minor mess up I'd caused. I thought to myself it was fair enough to be annoyed. I just can't cope with the blaming and the hostile tone. So could be just my issue.

OP posts:

mencken · 17/05/2020 11:30

from your second update - you neither like nor love each other. Even without your husband's whinging about having to do housework, that's no basis for a marriage. You visualise life after divorce as being much better. What's stopping you?

your kids have no choice and this is not fair on them. Stop wasting time.

Nearlyalmost50 · 17/05/2020 11:31

Sounds like an awful atmosphere at home in which you are devalued. No wonder you dream of a lovely life, in your small little house, time with the kids, time away from the kids.

I don't see why you can't make this a reality. I think you are underestimating how bad it currently is for the children and overestimating how bad it would be for them in a divorce. I sighed with relief when my dad moved out, our house lightened and it was much nicer, I wish my mum had done it years and years before she did.

Puffalicious · 17/05/2020 11:32

I really feel.for you OP. Family life should be your calm in the storm, not the storm itself. You perhaps do need counselling to follow through with this divorce- I think it's exactly what you need.

I divorced as I was miserable and stressed. My exH is not a bad person, we just weren't a good fit at all. He, too, could be miserable and grumpy and I hated it. My life was similar to how you describe after we separated and divorced- happy atmosphere, no stress and I could do as I wished with no walking on eggshells. The kids were happier and so were BOTH of us. I went out worth friends/ read books/ saw movies/ spent quality time with mum the days he had the kids. I'm not saying it was easy- it was hard emotionally and financially for a long time- but so worth it. It helped enormously that he was and is a decent person and is a very good father.

12 years down the line I have a partner (9 years now) who makes family life the best it can be as we're a great team. We have ups and downs like everyone but he is my calm in a storm and we adore each other. We have a DC (his only) and our family is happy. My exH is also very happy and has a brilliant relationship with his DC. We have mutual respect and keep talking.

I've been where you are- imaging him in an accident and how easy it would make it all- there is life on the other side. Fuck the big house and fancy car, this is about your mental health.

CandyLeBonBon · 17/05/2020 11:32

Your husband sounds a lot like my exh. Critical, judgmental and joyless. On paper it should've worked but he was awful with the kids, short tempered and found fault in everything I did. Divorcing him was the best thing I did. 10 years later the kids are fine and well balanced. Divorce isn't ideal but imo long term misery is worse.

Nearlyalmost50 · 17/05/2020 11:33

By the way, your 'psychiatric problems' sound like they are actually a normal reaction to living in an unpleasant critical atmosphere, which is at the very least, partly to blame for your depression after your children.

If the mental health team think your husband is creating the conditions for you to be depressed and ill, perhaps you should listen, and then act.

Mlou32 · 17/05/2020 11:35

Maybe you need a bit of time to yourself form time to time. Like a couple of nights away at a spa, a weekend away with friends etc. I know that obviously this won't solve all your problems but some people just need that bit of space and independence or they'll feel as you do..trapped.

Do you have many hobbies? Friends to go out and get coffee with? Anything that gives you that little bit of relaxing me time?

Bagelsandbrie · 17/05/2020 11:35

Why does he seem to treat your dd so differently to the other dc? That sounds horrible.

Original poster

myotherface · 17/05/2020 11:35

@SonEtLumiere You're right it must feel awful for him. I definitely don't envy him. But I don't understand why he's even want to stay with me. But he says he wouldn't change anything about me apart from my depression and that he doesn't want to divorce. At some point I told him I didn't love him and he just kept on saying he'd change so that I'd love him again. He's tried very hard but he only needs to be a little grumpy and I feel all his work is undone. It's not fair on him but I've become totally intolerant of his moods and grumpy faces

OP posts:

Puffalicious · 17/05/2020 11:37

Sorry cross post with the fact you have counselling. Could you raise the divorce with counsellor and see if they can work you through it?

Thornhill58 · 17/05/2020 11:37

Your divorce life sounds so nice and cozy I suggest go for it. I think you are very stressed living with a man that controls everything you do. The children feed of the negative vibes. Get out you only have one life. You can have a split 50/50 with him so half the time you are alone with your dog and your little house.
All you want is to be free and you think the kids will suffer. I can tell you they are suffering now.
If you can afford it after lockdown get a solicitor and go for it.
Don't feel bad feel hopeful.

ThePianist38 · 17/05/2020 11:37

I don’t think you’re depressed at all , I think you’re not happy with your husband and divorcing and moving away from him will make a massive difference in terms of happiness , unless of course he changes his attitude.His constant moods and snapping grinds you down

OpenWheelRace · 17/05/2020 11:38

@myotherface mental health professionals would not say that the problems stem from your husband lightly - listen to them.

onegirlandherdog · 17/05/2020 11:40

OP - you say your DH 'resists' divorce, but surely how most divorces are? Usually it's because one person wants it more. You sound so unhappy. You are allowed to divorce someone - it's not up to them to stop you. You wrote such a heartfelt list of what you wanted from life if you had more time alone. It sounds like the family set up is making all of you miserable in different ways. This isn't the Victorian era - no one has to stay in an unhappy marriage.

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