to hate family life?

[myotherface]

Just that really. AIBU for hating family life? I wish I had known people having kids before having them myself. Or known how hard married life is.

I have three gorgeous kids and a doting husband who adores me, does half of childcare and more than half of the housework. I just don't enjoy most of the family life at all. I have a beautiful big house, my dream job helping others that's secure for the rest of my life. Hubby's in a well paid job that he enjoys, kids in a lovely school. Everything going for me really.

This is not lockdown misery but unhappiness that landed me in a psychiatric hospital last year. I'm not depressed any more. I'm very happy at work and when I'm alone. Just deeply unhappy at home.

My husband gets grouchy easily and seems to have a face that permanently looks unfriendly or grumpy. He snaps at all of us easily. I've realised I don't really like the person he is but am totally stuck in my marriage as every time I talk about divorce he changes his behaviour for a couple of weeks and I feel like it's all in my head.

Kids follow me around 24/7. Even when I'm in the bathroom one of them waits behind the door. I hug them and play with them and speak to them in a loving way. But I resent every minute. I feel like such a bad person for feeling this way. I should love my children unconditionally and enjoy spending time with them. The kids must notice I'm not enjoying it. I feel so sorry for them for having been born to a mum like this.

It's sounds to me like you and the kids are only allowed to live in the family home in the way that he permits you all to.

Decor, dishwasher, dog. All his say. No wonder you feel like this!

I'd just start living as a single parent in the home if we're you. Stop sleeping with him and stop worrying what he thinks of the tv you watch or the food you eat. In the meantime, start thinking about a formal separation.

It's more damaging (in my opinion) for kids to grow up in a hostile home than it is to split their time between two happier homes.

Jeez get the divorce! The life you imagine is within reach and it sounds lovely. A little house with a doggy and lots of alone time.

There are a lot if similarities with your situation and mine OP. I too have 3dc, big house, husband in well paid job, from the outside it looks pretty amazing.

I don't don't hate family life but I have a miserable grumpy husband who nitpicks everything I do, eg if I try and get my toddler to eat breakfast by being silly he snaps at me for, wasting my time, if I turn the lights on in the kitchen he will dim them or put the low lights on, if I ask for the air con to be on in the car (get car sick) he'll say no and open the window instead (which doesn't help my car sickness).

These are just a few examples over the last couple of days, does it sound familiar?

I also wonder whether we'd both be happier if we divorced, actually it's him these days who brings that up. But then it's not always bad and the kids love him very much, he's not like this with them, so I don't really know what to do.

If you've spoken to mental health teams externally and they think your husband is the main reason for the difficulties you've had with your mental health, I'd probably listen to them.

Your main issue is that your husband is an arsehole. To resolve this issue you need to lose the husband.

He isn't going to change after all this time is he. If he really loved and respected you he'd have listened to you the first time you talked to him. Please do yourself a favour and divorce this dead weight.

Sounds like you’re just not happy with your dh - it sounds like he stifles you and you are resentful that you can’t do the things you want.

If you’ve given him lots of chances to change his behaviour and he’s still criticising you all the time then I agree with pp’s it’s time to look at divorce.

He sounds fairly controlling - he uses looks, words, atmosphere and your fear of his resentment and anger.

It sounds like you walk on eggshells.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

I have to agree with Elsiebear90 here.
Children are needy and yes they do follow you to the toilet, fact.
You start by saying how your dh dotes on you, but go on to describe a man who is very different.
You have a big house, but in your mind would happily swap it for a small one where you could make all the decisions. Have you thought this house could be attached to others, with noisy neighbours in a much poorer area and a tiny garden if any? The likely hood is that your children would have to move schools. This is the reality.
Yes, your dh may be at the root of all this, but I would be interested in his side of the story.

Your H doesn't want to divorce because he has reduced you to living the way he wants... if he got a new partner he would have to train them all over again.

How can you enjoy sex with him when he is so condescending and derogatory towards you on a daily basis?

You say you have a large house ,3 lovely children ,and a husband who "adores you" This sounds more like a wish list than real life ! The husband doesnt want a dog, even though you love them ,complains about you eating Ice Cream and wants you to be "grateful " that he helps out sometimes?! Reading that through it doesnt sound great does it! You cant stay with someone who is emotionally blackmailing you (,Crying at the thought of a Divorce is a guilt trip for you )If you are not happy, then this is not the right relationship for you.Hundreds of people split up all the time and they cope with it .Counselling on your own may be helpful ,and if you feel you want to split then thats your decision and he will have to respect it.3 children are hard work ,but will feel 10 time worse if you are not happy .As someone said "How can you be able to care for others if you dont look after yourself as well"!

I was struck by the contradictions in your opening post. You say your husband dotes on you, but his behaviour suggests otherwise. If there is a discrepancy between what someone tells you verbally and what their actions say, I’d go with the actions. He isn’t just snapping at you. He’s doing the same to your children and that will damage their self-esteem.

When I think about life post divorce it fills me with relief apart from the consequences on the kids.

Compare this with the consequences of staying.

My eyes were opened watching my 17 year old son trying to persevere with a relationship which was wholly dysfunctional and filled with pain. I watched and realised I had taught him that remaining in an unhealthy or abusive relationship was normal.

I left last year. My youngest is nearly grown up now, but I hope I’ve finally demonstrated that respecting myself and not putting up with chronically unpleasant behaviour is the right way forward. We have a lovely small flat and a dog. My biggest regret is that I didn’t leave years ago.

You say he's a doting husband.

That's weird, because you then go on to tell us lots of things that don't sound doting at all.

He's actually controlling, of the atmosphere of the house, of your responses, you having agency (buy the dishwasher!), even the decor. He's horrid to your dd, which is a fantastically unattractive trait.

Why do you say he's doting? Because he still wants to have sex with you, indeed expects it, even though you don't fancy him and want to leave him?

Get a counsellor, and get out. You don't have to live like this because you have three children. Your sacrifice isn't worth it- they have an unhappy mum (which they will notice more and more as they get older you can't pull a fast one on teen children) and a grumpy horrid dad.

@Elsiebear90 you're right in that it must be awful for him. But his grumpiness came before my depression. And at the moment I've been cheerful most of the time. But I get moments like today when I just feel totally drained and feel like I can't do it anymore. I'm generally an upbeat person, always full of ideas, smiles and curiousity about the world. Dh often shoots down my ideas or offers realism and sarcasm for my ideas and projects. He never sees anyone, doesn't have hobbies and would like me to just spend all my time with him and/or the kids. Weekend away on my own to him is a ridiculous thought and an insult meaning I don't enjoy his company. I'm not walking around miserable all the time and I do have times that I enjoy with the kids too. I think when I start feeling like this I start feeling like I've hated every minute of it for ages.

@Neverender that's a great idea. I bought some guinea pigs last year behind his back. Me and the kids adore them, dh has made them live out on the porch because "they make the house stink" and thinks we are torturing them by keeping them in a (3-storey) cage (I made it myself to keep them happy. I don't think I dare to get a dog yet but might get a tub of ice cream this week and eat it while I'm having headphones on and watching Grey's anatomy.

@OpenWheelRace I seriously thought I was.reallybgoinf to do it this time earlier this year. But then he made changes bigger than ever and managed to maintain them for a couple of months. I really felt like we had a chance. But you are.right. I just hope therapy will give me the strength to leave.

@Mummadeeze I think you're right. The lockdown has made it worse. And I need to focus on hobbies etc more. I did it for a bit and felt so much better. I could try alternating playing with the kids and doing housework (it feels relaxing with audiobooks) or hobbies. It's just so hard diving the attention between the three of them. I try so hard but one is always upset and jealous of the attention the others are getting of me.

I think it is completely normal not to 'love' family life, and to crave your own time/space very strongly at times.

Is there any possibility you could take a holiday with a friend for a couple of weeks? To get a proper breather and let them miss/appreciate you a little bit? Sorry I havent RTFT but from what I've seen it looks like your husband is more then capable of looking after your children if you did.

Your husband cant moan about doing chores but refuse to get a dishwasher that would cut down on washing up etc. I would just order one and have it installed while he is out. It's hardly a major betrayal, and once it's there I bet he will see the benefits fairly quickly.

I totally get the housework thing, I hate it too, and my fiance does most of it really do you earn enough to get a cleaner in once a week to do a deep clean of the house? If you pay for it that would kind of negate the fact you're not doing it yourself.

Any room in the house to put a TV somewhere else just for you? Eg bedroom or spare room? That way they cant moan if you want to watch something.

It sounds like you have a good set up but that there are a lot of minor things that are death by a thousand cuts. FWIW it does sound like a lot of your complaints are fixable, although I appreciate it doesnt feel like it.

OP, I'm sorry, but your DH really isn't a loving husband and father. He sounds like a control freak, and very similar to my abusive F, who everyone thought was wonderful (although they don't say that now). He's been dead for 22 years but it's only in the last few years that I've understood the truth about him.

Everything had to be about what he wanted. He wanted a dog so we had one (never mind that my DM didn't want one) but then she ended up looking after the said dog. He insisted on us going to Saudi Arabia for a year when I was 3 and my siblings were 5 and 1. She was miserable there, understandably.

He was also never wrong in his mind, as a result of which I constantly say 'sorry' even now,

And then years after his death, she found out from my DSis and me that he'd sexually abusing us for years and allowed others to do the same, and we're all suffering from PTSD. (The memories came flooding back when we had DC.)

I've also seen letters he wrote to my DM that reeked of emotional abuse and coercive control, which has enabled me to understand her much better. I always thought when I was younger that he simply loved her so much and couldn't face being without her. He was also paranoid and accused her of cheating (oh the irony).

We all put it down to his Parkinson's Disease and his medication. But I can see now that he was simply a control freak who happened to be ill.

It says a lot about the way he was that my DM only felt free to disagree with his politics (Tory) after he had died. She also followed her dreams and completed her PhD in her 70s.

Please don't end up only freeing yourself after he dies like she did. Because actually, our childhood would have been so much better if my DM had left my F when we were young.

I do agree with PPs that your depression is playing a part in your low mood, but it sounds to me as if it's your marriage that is making you depressed.

I also wanted to give you what the viewpoint of your DC might be. And I'm NOT suggesting that anything so bad is happening to your DC. But please don't let them grow up thinking they have to walk on eggshells and say sorry for everything

And you sound like a wonderful mum. I can identify with you over your feelings about your DC. I love my DDs to bits (11 and 8), who are adopted. I can really end up feeling guilty for not feeling the love (at times), as an adoptive mum, as I fought really hard to have them placed with us. But we're human.

I genuinely don't understand why you stay. Nothing is keeping you there.
You have your own money and own career. You'll get time to yourself when the kids are at their dads. You are not someone who is financially dependent on their partner. You simply don't like this man. It doesn't matter why you don't like him - you just don't like him That means the marriage is over.

@Calvinlookingforhobbes thank you for your thoughts. I think you're right. I just somehow need to be brave enough to just do it.

@Coffeecak3 I keep hoping he'd find someone else. He doesn't really go anywhere for that to be able to happen. He's good looking and people at his work seem to fancy him. Just wish he would fancy one of them back.

@dontdisturbmenow you could be right. And I do massively love the children (just not dh) and would miss them if I didn't have them.

@Bagelsandbrie thank you so much for sharing your experience. It gives me hope!!!

Please get some counselling to help you work up some courage to divorce. As a child who comes from a family whose parents did not divorce ‘for the sake of the children’ I can tell you that the damage done to the said children can be pretty awful. The guilt of being the child who kept her parents together in misery still affects me 30 years later. It’s a mistaken sacrifice that no one benefits from.

The kids feel needy because they only have you to run to. If they’re father wouldn’t be so grumpy and unpleasant they’ll probably go to him as well and that will ease the load a bit.
If I was in your shoes, as you seem to be a bit scared of the word divorce, I would do a trial separation, I would move into a short 6 months rental with my kids, if things improve for me during this time, I’ll have my answer and divorce will be easier to follow .

Your husband sounds controlling and selfish. No wonder you are so miserable. You just don’t sound like a good fit personality wise. Honestly, if Inwere you Id get legal advice and start divorce proceedings. Take back some control and don’t let him convince you once again that he can make you happy in your gilded cage if he changes for a few weeks. This is not a good marriage. You are miserable. Think through how it will all work, then leave him.

Op, my Dad was miserable and grumpy most of my childhood. He was a strict authoritarian and found it difficult to speak to me in a way which was kind or supportive. My Mum was quite strict, kinder than my Dad but a complete people pleaser who let him get away with things. They were both unhappy but stayed together.

I have always struggled with life, especially relationships and consequently work. I was very bright and could have achieved much more. In the last year or so, I've realised a lot of my issues stem from my dysfunctional childhood. I was physically taken care of but not mentally.

Remember, that not only is this situation having an effect on you but also your children. Personality, self worth, resilience are all formed during childhood and living in an unhappy toxic environment will leave a lasting legacy.

I have just ordered this book for myself. It might help you to make a decision?

www.amazon.co.uk/Home-Coming-Reclaiming-Championing-Inner/dp/0749910542/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=homecoming&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1589712354&sr=8-5

I'd rather have a happy , cosy so called. " shitter" house ( translate ...smaller) than a cold, uptight massive show home tbh.

@wallywonker

I could have written your post and totally agree with you.

What if you get a divorce and he disappears into the distance and you end up with he kids full time without a break? It could easily happen.

How old are they now? Clingyness can just be a phase.

I dont have time to read all of this, but I didn’t want to read and run. I don’t have any wise words, except we’ll done for admitting this as I think probably a lot of women feel the same way. But you rarely hear them say it. Good luck for the future.

Sorry to sound harsh but it doesn't sound like your husband dotes on you. He sounds controlling. I'm saying this not to make you feel bad. But to help you understand what you're feeling. You are of course going to feel sad or depressed in an unhappy marriage. But you've some how convinced yourself you shouldn't be unhappy or he's convinced you of that.