DS (3) won't leave the house and I don't know what to do

[IncyWincyTincy]

That's it really, lockdown seems to have permanently altered him and he just won't leave the fucking house. It's definitely not through fear of the virus because we haven't spoken to him about it.

DH is at work and I'm stuck in the house with 3 children, one of home is desperate to go out but I can't physically get DS to go out the front door. All his friends are having lovely walks in the countryside burning off energy and I can't get him to even get off the sofa. I've banned all TV which has been painful because with a newborn and an older child to home school I needed something to distract him. But it's still not working 😭.

I don't know what to do, when schools go back how am I supposed to do the school run with a child that I can't get dressed let alone out the front door. I need his nursery to reopen I think to get some semblance of normality back.

At this point I'd take our chances with a virus with a very small chance of lasting health implications for us over more isolation that will definitely end badly for me and him. I can't cope anymore.

Does anyone have any experience with this, how can I get him to want to go out?!

Try to mix it up a bit. So that it's not all of you going out for a walk. Ask if he will go for a special walk with just you to get an icecream.
Change the situational factors - just one parent and him. Take him in the car somewhere rather than walk. He could be protesting at the new baby. Did he go in the buggy before this and now he has been put out of his buggy.

Op, I agree you shouldn't pick him up, as you risk a prolapse. I carried my 2.75 Yr old about 10 weeks post partum and that happened to me.

I don't know what to suggest, would he go out in fancy dress with the suggestion that he might see his friends out and about and they'll see his outfit?

When my DS2 was having behavioural problems caused by separation anxiety I called my health visiting service and had a visit from a nursery nurse. It improved almost immediately just from talking about the fact I was worried about him with a 3rd party and including him in the conversation.

Would he entertain a video call with a sensible family member or friend? You could say, "I just want to talk to Aunty whoever as I'm a bit worried that you don't like going outside. We can see if she has any good ideas." - I'm clutching at straws, but he might think you don't care (especially with a new baby) and this would help to show that you do.

He's 3 and it's not his choice. Pick him up and exit the property.

Sounds like this a reaction against his newborn sibling and he is trying to feel like he is in some kind of control and this is his only way of doing it. Have you spent much one-on-one time with him since the birth? Can your DH take the newborn and other child at the weekend? 3 is a really tricky age anyway - they don't call them threenagers for nothing!

How about writing a letter to someone and then making a big deal about who gets to pop it in the red postbox? My kids LOVE that.

When Dad gets home, maybe he could take the baby, you could take the eldest, and give your 3yo the live to stay home (make it boring), or come along (make it amazing!). Maybe a couple of days of you returning home enthusing about the rainbow pictures/duck babies/walking snacks etc could whip up some enthusiasm?

Sending solidarity, OP, sounds like you've got a lot on your plate.

The choice.

This sounds simplistic but what about if you get him some shoes that light up, it might distract him. It could just be a phase he is going through. Maybe if you could take him out once or twice by yourself when your husband is home. Tell him you can go and feed the birds or look for insects. Or like what a PP said about a bike or scooter if possible.

OneandTwenty do you really trying it’s all down to parents projecting? Children’s lives have changed drastically and most people don’t deal well with change. I’m certainly not projecting fear and have talked about the virus in an age appropriate way but my 3 year old isn’t stupid. She misses her friends, activities, nursery, grandparents etc. However much we’ve tried to present things as lovey family time, she knows that her life is not as fun as it was 8 weeks ago.

Poor thing has had his word completely turned upside down with nursery closing and everything being so different without adding in the new sibling too. It’s obviously going to be tough for him.

Does he like any sort of small world play? Perhaps you could see if you can do some of that with him to encourage him to let you know what’s worrying him? So your character asking his if he wants to go out type things.

Do you have a garden at all? Maybe draw a little obstacle course in the garden or on the pavement near the house first?

For now I would wait until both parents are in and then one of you can focus on getting him out.

OP do you have a front garden. Could you have. picnic there to get him used to being out the front?

When your DH is home, can one of you take him out for a one-to-one walk (with a bribe if there's chance of a lolly or sweets?) And just a short one to start with - even if just up and down the road? Does he have a bike or scooter?

I absolutely agree you can't wrangle him on your own with a newborn. How old is the baby btw? Is that anything to do with it?

OP - how would you handle the following scenarios?

1. You've gone to the park with your 3 year old and your 1 year old (3 year old walking, 1 year old in buggy). 3 year old refuses to go home. What do you do?

1. You have a 3 year old and a 5 year old. It's time to pick the 5 year old up from school. The 3 year old refuses to leave the house (and school is a walk away). What do you do?

I'm posting these examples because these are things that regularly happened to me when my DC were younger. In both cases I had to do major child wrangling with 2 children/ a major flailing child.
You are objecting to everyone's solutions because you've deemed them unworkable. Which is because you're considering leaving the house an optional thing that you won't do when your DC kicks off. Have a think how you'd manage the situations above. Presumably you wouldn't stay at the park all night (scenario 1) or leave your child at school (scenario 2)?

I was going to suggest having 1:1 time with him like another person also suggested.
Leave the baby with DH and make it all about the toddler - finding leaves/flowers/shells (depending on where you live). Lots of distractions - maybe take a ball?

Hopefully after a few times he will start to enjoy the walks and it won't be so hard to get him out.

X

OP I had a large 3 year and newborn last year. Can you pick up a buggy board to try, it made my dad feel like she was driving the pram so I'm control.

Or a balance bike.

*dd

I wouldn't go for a battle of wills for this, while you have a baby and your 3 year old is probably affected by something genuine for him. The idea of leaving your baby for short periods as you gradually get the 3 year old to go out might work. Can you leave the 3 year old and take the other 2 so that the older one gets to go out and then focus on the 3 year old after you get back to see if that relieves the pressure. The 3 year old might get jealous if you go out and have a good time and suddenly want to go out. A bit of bribery and corruption would have worked with mine at that age - the promise of something they want such as sweets or icecream half way through and at end?

I meant leave 3 year old with dh, assuming he is home, not on his tod

I'd get your car fixed ASAP and drive somewhere safe to walk. You don't have to go far but take a special snack or favourite treat you could just sit and have it then go home to start with

Do you have dh at home? Could you try taking dc out on his own with you while dh looks after others? and make it fun, treasure hunt, bug hunt etc. Maybe getting some 1:1 time with a parent might help him get over this barrier he has.

I would give him something to look forward to - a biscuit on a bench halfway round for example. Or feeding the ducks, or a nature trail. If you can get your eldest onside saying how excited they are to go, hopefully he'll want to join you.

I've got a 3 year old who is exactly the same at the moment. It's pretty much exactly the same across my friendship groups with all our 3 year olds. We've theorised that it may be the rear of germs they've heard us discuss. Or it may just be that they're bored by it all. There are only so many times you can do the exact same nature walk as much as you try to make it interesting. No playground to look forward to, no friends to see when you get there etc it's easy to see why they motivation isn't there to head out. Can't wait fir nursery to restart on 1st June

You mentioned you couldn’t get him into his clothes. Does he now associate clothes with going out and that’s why? Perhaps it’s baby related that if he goes out you might not bring him home now there’s a baby replacing him?
Start with getting him dressed every day whether he likes it or not but DO NOT go out yet. You want to break the association with clothes = scary going out.
Once that’s broken and he knows clothes on doesn’t equal going out, order/buy locally the large chalk sticks (they are like pillar candles, but small ones would do if you get lots) and draw pictures literally just outside the door at night when he’s in bed that the “fairies have made for you”. Make them further away so he has to take one step out to see them and so on until you have lots one after the other for 10 steps. Try a hopscotch. If he can play that with you near the door it’s a fun start without too much stress hopefully. Just make coloured squares up the road in the night so he has something to run to.

I’m surprised people are failing to see the emotional impact the lockdown may be having in children. Just look at how it impacts some adults emotionally and yet kids are just meant to breezily adapt like they always do? No. Their world has been turned upside down and shrunk down in size in a way that even if you don’t articulate it to them, they wouldn’t have a hope of understanding it anyway. Particularly at 3.

We’ve talked about adults and potentially agoraphobia developing through this, why would this not apply to children? We’re literally teaching them that the outdoors is scary, the rules are we must stay at home and people are potentially a threat that make us sick. Even if you say nothing, their routine and yours has become so insular and isolated from their ‘normal’.

So of course some children will take that in a way that makes them bloody scared of going out the front door. I wouldn’t just be picking up my DD3 and throwing her out the front door. That’s called flooding and it doesn’t work.

What happens when you calmly ask him to explain his reason for not wanting to go outside?

I don't mean at the point you are trying to go out but at a different point in the day when you can give him ten minutes' undivided attention to sit and have a quiet conversation about it.

DD was acting up and eventually when I put aside time to sit and have a chat I asked her whether she was 'worried about any problems' and she said she thought we couldn't buy food because she had heard me having a conversation about various things being out of stock online.

I don't see how it can have escaped your 3 year old that there's an incredibly unusual situation afoot. I don't watch the news in front of DD or consciously talk about the coronavirus issue in front of her but she knows that her life has changed and that we're not going to nursery/playground/friends' houses etc. It needs talking about on a level that they can understand.

Pushchairs for child to push or shopping trolley or backpack with reins, scooter or one of those bikes that attach to pushchairs - something he has control over?

Though I'd try one to one - other adult stops with other children, and bribery and small steps first and as little stress and as much fun as possible.

I had three childlen close together in age and no car - and we had so many items to just get around - front/back pushchair, side to side pushchair, slings, buggy board, side carriage and there were many trips out that were still hard without all the additional stress around at the minute.