To invite people to a meal and ask them to pay for themselves?

[lilyboleyn]

Gathering opinions before I commit a CF faux pas. Planning a surprise 70th birthday for my mum - nothing special, just getting her friends round to a pub for a Sunday lunch. She won’t have seen many of them for months or even years in some cases. For me to pay for everyone’s meal and drinks etc would be more than I could really afford, so I was thinking of sending an invite out that said something like, ‘would you like to join us for Mandy’s (not her real name) surprise 70th birthday meal... X pub offers main and dessert for £15 per person and we’ll be putting out some bottles of Prosecco on the table’.

I don’t know. That sounds really naff doesn’t it. My question is AIBU to ask people to come and pay for their own meals, or should it really only be the case that I should pay myself?

I meant to add to my earlier post too that I discussed the expectations around payment with a very rich family member (who is the type who would pay for the whole thing and think of it as pocket change and infact often does) because I was also worried I would look cheap or bad for not being able to pay and he crumpled his face and replied you aren't hosting a party ginkypig of course you are not expected to pay. People will just be pleased they are on the invite list.

Sounds fine to me OP.
Much better than you going into debt or stressing for months, or not bring bald to have an event at all.
If people dont want to pay, they dont have to come.

"Bring bald" OMG this autocorrect!!
I meant "being able"
But of course bring bald as well, you dont want to leave him at home.

Proper communication is key. Upfront and explicit expectations give people the option to join or not. Problems usually occur because someone has been overly tasteful and tried to hide money conversations. It’s fine not to pay for everyone but not fine to make it clear that is what’s happening.

To not make it clear!

Yours is fine but don't say, " those of you on a budget....." as it sounds, is, very patronising.

That sounds fine to me the only time I wouldnt expect to pay for a meal is at a wedding or a function room party that would normally come with a buffet x

The original idea sounds fine to me and not rude at all.

The hall idea is also fine but it's going to be a lot more work. You'll have to set it up, and take down and clean up afterwards. Also take away fish and chips, wine and beer won't work - you'll need to cater for vegetarians at least, plus find out what other dietary restrictions there are, and get non alcoholic drinks as well. It sounds a faff to me.

Meals at your own expense is also awful. Yours is fine *@lilyboleyn.

As for the people saying they have never paid for a birthday lunch at a restaurant or pub, I've never not paid for one. So it's far from a universal expectation.

If I were asking my friends to join me for my birthday, then I would have no qualms whatsoever about saying "Any of you lot want to come for a meal, we're going to X on Saturday week?" and everyone would expect they are paying for themselves.

However when my Mum turned 70, she would have been absolutely mortified at the thought of one of us inviting her friends and then expecting them all to pay.
I think that is very different from her asking her 'gals' to meet her for lunch.
Same as if I invite my crew for lunch, we all pay for ourselves, but if someone (for example one of my adult dc) arranged a big birthday celebration, I would be mortified if they then took money off all of them to pay for it.

Now, I don't know your Mum, but my Mum was happy with us inviting a few friends round to the house and doing lunch for them.

Separately she went for a meal with her mates where I am sure they each paid for themselves.

I think there's a subtle difference. But I think it is an important one.

Not what you wanted to hear, but you did ask for opinions.

BackforGood, you really summed up what I was feeling and couldn't explain!

I’ve only once been asked to an event and asked to pay. It was a woman I knew through my son’s nursery and she was a bit of a clingy / needy type to be perfectly honest. That should have been enough to get alarm bells ringing. But she asked me what I was doing on the Sunday afternoon and when I hesitated, she said she was doing a casual surprise party for her husband in the x pub and it would be lovely if we could join - bring the kids, no worries, more the merrier etc. Now the pub she mentioned is one I had previously used for DH’s birthday, where there is a private room with lots of sofas etc and a lovely garden, so the kids can run around and it’s easy for people to bring young kids without babysitters etc (this was when my kids were still quite young). I did a buffet there and champagne / drinks, cake etc and brought things for the kids to do and make so the adults could relax. It was loads of people and you could stay for an hours or all afternoon. So I thought, ok sure, we could pop in for an hour.

Anyway, when we arrive as a family of six, only then is it revealed to be a sit down meal with a whole load of frankly quite odd people. It was three courses! I really didn’t want to be there hours, but they were making such a fuss of us, I felt bad feeling that way. I thought, this is very generous if them and felt a bit embarrassed. Then when we came to leave, she said it was £40 per adult and £15 per child, plus service - so it was about £160 to spend time with people I will never see again. Oh, but don’t worry about the wine, she said... That’s on us! The kids were bored out of their minds.

Anyway, that is the one and only time and I thought it was extremely bad form. Yes it was my fault for assuming it would be a casual buffet- thing, but she caught me off guard.

Every other party or event, the host pays, whether it’s at home or in some spectacular-whatever venue. I’ve never known it to be otherwise. I wouldn’t mind being told beforehand it was a pay for yourself event, it’s just very unusual.

I'd have no problem paying for myself, but you know your mum and the potential guests best - if mum might be uncomfortable or if some guests are likely to cause awkwardness by "misunderstanding", you may need to think again

Maybe you could ask them to let you have the £15 a head by a certain date so there's no doubt they're paying, or failing that a village hall "do" could be lovely . You could even borrow some slow cookers and take along hot food and baked potatoes yourself rather than spend on fish and chips, and ask guests just to bring whatever they want to drink

OP what about an afternoon tea somewhere? This would work out cheaper quite possibly? My mum loves afternoon teas!

Might there be any chance you could host at your home? Make scones, cakes, sandwiches and some bubbles? Could be lovely?

Does your mum have any pals that you know well who you can pick up the phone to and run the whole scenario by? Someone of her generation and group who can be relied on to give solid advice, specific to your mum and the situation, and won’t spill the beans?

My mum is older than yours, op, and would balk at having her similar-aged friends come to something that they had to pay for. She is acutely conscious of her friends being on very limited pensions, and even if she is having people to her own house, would deliberately downplay the hospitality just to not look splashy. I don’t mean she is mean, but she would be thinking that for Mary down the road, it might be a ‘bit much.’

If you’ve ever seen Mrs Doyle wrestling her friend to the ground over paying for tea and a scone in a coffee shop, that’s like my mother and her friend at the cinema, with their £5 tickets and having exact change. I do think it’s generational, and I can’t see if you have consulted your mum on her view (did I miss that?)

The reason I sound never ask someone to an event that they had to pay for is because they will have also bought a gift as it is. Maybe something new to wear or their hair done for the occasion? Taxis or trains?

As a pp said, these are pensioners. I’m sure they’d only be too happy to pay to celebrate with your mum, but equally, they’d be happy with a few scones, sandwiches, birthday cake and a get-together.

You could perhaps do an "at home" where by you invite them to yours or her house and have afternoon tea. If it's not for another year you have plenty of time to practise your scone, cake and traybake skills. It would be cheap to put on and no need to then ask for people to pay. Some might even bring a plate or two of treats.
I also think your I vote is fine though, it explains what is expected and the drinks are a nice touch.

Yes that is definitely fine ...enjoy.X

It's fine as long as it's clear on the invite. I personally wouldn't do it mind you, I would choose a venue I can afford to pay eg in my house

"The reason I sound never ask someone to an event that they had to pay for is because they will have also bought a gift as it is. Maybe something new to wear or their hair done for the occasion? Taxis or trains?"

That's their choice. I wouldn't do any of that, no more than for a normal night out. Quite often when you go out for a meal for your birthday the 'gift' is people buying you a drink. Transport would be required for any night out and there is no obligation to buy something new or get a new hairstyle for a birthday.

"If you’ve ever seen Mrs Doyle wrestling her friend to the ground over paying for tea and a scone in a coffee shop, that’s like my mother and her friend at the cinema"

I must have completely misunderstood that sketch then. I thought it was about the social 'game' of insisting on paying. I've seen people do that loads, it's not that they really want to pay, it's just some kind of etiquette and the Mrs Doyle sketch was with one friend wasn't it? She wasn't trying to pay for a whole group of people.

I think it's fine to ask people to pay for themselves but I think you need to be clearer. Depending on numbers, It may be better to speak to people on the phone than to send an invitation.

Collect the money in advance, don’t try and get it at the end of the meal once you’ve got the bill.