To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

[Whatnowwww]

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

@Pandy3784 Not absurd at all. My DD's DSS is her DCs' sibling, so a part of their family, as much as they are. Why should there be a distinction?

How would you react if your partner wouldn't tolerate your child moving in?

There is a difference between a child moving in or an adult and in this case she is talking about an adult

It is common courtesy to discuss changes in the home with your spouse. Also the financial changes need to be discussed surely!
Not everyone is comfortable sharing their
space even with close family. Instead of just assuming it is okay DH should have spoken to OP and discussed all possibilities and rules and regulations before telling young adult they he can or will be moving in with them.

They'll turn 18 next year presumably? So currently 17 and talking about moving in with their parent.

I wouldn't like it either. But if I felt like you I wouldn't have married somebody who already had children.

Sorry but yes, YABU. You knew he had a son when you married him. You joined the family, not the other way round.

You joined the family, not the other way round.
God, yes, absolutely this.

YABU, he's your family too now. And you don't have to police him if he's 18. He and your husband will resent you if you come between them. Just don't. You said the house is large enough so what's the problem?

But we're not talking about a permanent move here, only as a uni student. It would be much cheaper long-term so it would make some sense. I doubt he will be there all that much of the time, as he will be spending most of his life at uni. And he'll probably move into a house-share in year 2.

But I do agree that the OP's DP should have discussed it with her first rather than just telling his DS it was okay unilaterally.

This is awful, you sound extremely narcissistic.

.

YANBU for being mad that husband did not discuss this with you first.

YABU seeing the house as still only your home. Yes legally the house is yours but being married to you and sharing a life with you it is DH home too. Legally pur house is both mine and fiancé's but it is OUR home. Every decisions is a joined decision when it comes to the house and he treats it like his own as it is his home too.

YABVU that your main issue seems to be that DH and DSS have too good of a relationship. It's his son, if anything you should be happy they are that close. How would you feel if you ever had a new partner and he refused to let your children live with you because you were too close and got on too well?

Op
Maybe it would be a great opportunity for you to build a relationship with you step son?

Obviously he missed out on living with his dad during some pretty formative years- isn't it nice they can have this time?

YABVU

Time to sit down and discuss the rule of the house as adults.
Who does what chores when.
Friends visiting etc.
Maybe get a babysitting night a week out of DSS so you and DH can have a date night.

This sort of thing never goes ok on MN. Yanbu to be annoyed your husband didn’t discuss this. In reality what would you actually say though. It’s not really a question imo, it’s a discussion about how it could work. Your dh not spending time with you is not your ss fault. That is a husband issue. Discuss don’t sulk. Agree ground rules, don’t be a maid.

I guess imagine that your DSS was your DS- how would you feel about one of your kids living at home, whilst at uni?

You don't have the capacity to have him in your home, so I'd put the kibosh on it for the sake of your relationship.
YABU though and very controlling.

YABVU

How would you feel.if it was roles reversed @Whatnowwww?

I bet it would be a diffrent story.

You married your dh and you knew he had a child. YES he should of discussed it with you but you need to realise that dss is part of the family just like your 4 year old and the one in your stomach. And plus just think you could have him babysit occasionally. When he is actually at home.

you are being very very selfish. That is your DH son, and you knew before you married him that you would have a step child. That child is to be treated as your own as you are now a family. If you say anything, your DH has a right to be very very upset with you and i can see this causing long term damage to your relationship. SO WHAT YOUR PG AND HAVE A 4 YEAR OLD. Your DH loves his son the same as your children. what do you not get about that? And to be honest, if you were my partner and had this mentality, we wouldn't last long.

and i can not believe you mentioned that this isn't your DH house because you and your father bought it. Your thinking is despicable.

Definitely unreasonable to ask your husband not to extend the invitation to his own son because they get on well and you feel insecure.

Try to focus on the positives to the family of having an elder brother around, someone to help with school/nursery runs occasionally, cook a meal, take the kids for a run at the park. They will build a great relationship with their brother.

And as for the action movies, that won't be the nightly routine if he lives there, there will be studies to do, friends to see etc, it might become a weekly thing. And maybe you'll find a film genre you all enjoy, and it can be family movie night with popcorn etc.

How bloody sad.

There needs to be a discussion about this. Does DSS realise (for example) you won’t permit him to have a partner to stay, you won’t allow random sex under your roof, you won’t allow groups of his friends to hang out in your home? Not when you have two small children to safeguard. Does he realise he has to be in by 11pm because you don’t want to be woken up? You can’t have a student and his friends wandering in and out at all hours of the day and night, not when you have a baby and a toddler. It’s likely that when you lay out the ground rules he’ll decide it isn’t such a great idea.

As a last resort I’d just put my foot down and say no, and DH can move out too if he doesn’t like it. No way would I put my DC at risk or disrupt them. You simply cannot have randoms in your home.