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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

585 replies

Whatnowwww · 16/05/2020 15:27

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

OP posts:
mrwalkensir · 16/05/2020 20:59

Your husband gets on very well with his son. And the stepson is of an age where he can babysit. It sounds big at the moment, but try relaxing and enjoy it. Might well be more enjoyable than you expect. Teenage boys can be lovely

Daphnise · 16/05/2020 21:03

I wouldn't want him.

But you're probably stuck with him.

Wolfgirrl · 16/05/2020 21:04

@Daphnise as it looks like we're stuck with you, I suppose.

Nanny0gg · 16/05/2020 21:05

So you'll have a four year-old and a newborn and a teenager/uni student potentially coming back at all hours in who knows what state, without discussing the possibility with you and you're unreasonable?

I'd not be very pleased either.

Wilberforce1 · 16/05/2020 21:10

Yanbu. You should have been consulted in private, it should have been a discussion between you and your husband.

I have a 23 year old stepson who lived with us from the age of 7 - 20 and 18-20 was the worst! He was eating everything, laying around all day during the holidays, making a mess, coming home pissed and pissing everywhere and just being a bit of a dick! He's lovely again now he is 23 and lives with his girlfriend 😂

I think you need a serious discussion with your husband.

MegaClutterSlut · 16/05/2020 21:11

Yabu, your dh should've spoken to you first about it. Unless you'd stop your dc when older doing the same, I think its a bit out of order tbh

its also irrelevant who's childhood house it was. You're married now so it belongs to both of you so that shouldn't even come into it imo

Pandy3784 · 16/05/2020 21:15

Your husband should definitely have discussed it with you first; I would be very unhappy for an assumption to be made without my prior consent and I wouldn’t want to permanently share my home with my step-kids either.

yearinyearout · 16/05/2020 21:15

I don't think you are being unreasonable. At the end of the day it's another adult moving in without you being consulted. Will they expect you to do all his washing, cooking, cleaning up after him?

How big is the house?

Branleuse · 16/05/2020 21:15

I think you need to explain about how excluded you feel, and how you dont mind this when its occasional, but you really arent prepared to be in a relationship that makes you feel like that full time

Incrediblytired · 16/05/2020 21:17

So you want him up to his eyes in debt from renting ?

Mittens030869 · 16/05/2020 21:18

Genuine question here to the poster who said that the OP hadn't married a 'resident parent'. Are you implying that a 'non resident parent' is a 'part-time parent' who doesn't have any real parental responsibility towards their offspring?

There's no such thing as a parent without parental responsibility.

Fromthebirdsnest · 16/05/2020 21:26

Fucking hell your lovely arnt you , with YOUR home not your husband's and the jealousy over your DH & dss relationship .. You sound very selfish and need to take a good look in the mirror and have a think about whether you would like your child to be treated like this .. If it's his dad's home it's his home so of course he should be able to move in !

Alsohuman · 16/05/2020 21:26

I'd also be interested to know how many of those who preach that stepparents should accept their stepkids 'as their own' actually have stepkids

Me. I’ve got three of them. My husband and I treat his and mine exactly the same and always have.

Mittens030869 · 16/05/2020 21:33

I wouldn’t want to permanently share my home with my step-kids either.

That's sad really. My DSis married her FH when her DSS was 9 and she was his main carer when he was a teenager. She loves him the same as her own DC. (He calls her by her first name, so she hasn't tried to undermine his actual mum.)

He's now 23, and married with 2 DC, and is in the army. So no one is saying that 'permanent' should mean 'forever'.

Peggysgettingcrazy · 16/05/2020 21:40

I have an adult step son. If he wanted to move in, it would a squash. But we would make it work.

Mittens030869 · 16/05/2020 21:45

@Peggysgettingcrazy Exactly. And in this case, it isn't about a lack of room, otherwise the responses to the OP would have been more sympathetic. Likewise, if the DSS was likely to be a disruptive influence, but in contrast, he sounds like a lovely young man.

Hugglespuffed · 16/05/2020 21:48

Wow YABU of course. How would you feel if you remarried and your now 4 year old wanted to live with you at 18 and your new partner said all this. Horrible.

Pandy3784 · 16/05/2020 21:50

I don’t think any feelings someone has about sharing a home with their stepkids is wrong; not everyone has the same feelings so whatever works for you and your family is right. I’m not close to mine despite knowing them for many years and family dynamics are different from each family to another. I certainly wouldn’t feel bad about feeling that my own kids mean more to me than my husbands children

forgetmeyes · 16/05/2020 22:06

@Pandy3784

" I wouldn’t want to permanently share my home with my step-kids either."

What a disgusting comment! How would you feel if your DP said that about their kids (I.e. your kids). If you take the parent the kids come with them. And any parent who puts their new spouse above their kids is awful.

Pandy3784 · 16/05/2020 22:13

@forgetmeyes
You have no idea about my circumstances so not a disgusting comment at all

terrelontane · 16/05/2020 22:18

@Mittens030869 No, the parental responsibility is real. But if that parent moved their adult child into my home without my consent, I wouldn't stay with them.

Wolfgirrl · 16/05/2020 22:20

@Pandy3784 then maybe explain a little rather than alluding to something then being angry somebody comments on it? This is a public forum after all.

Pandy3784 · 16/05/2020 22:29

I’m not angry at all I just find it absurd that any Mother would even allude to the fact that she would be as welcome to share her home with a step child as she would her own. You do not need to know my circumstances as irrelevant to this thread

Mittens030869 · 16/05/2020 22:32

@terrelontane And if it was the other way around and your DP didn't want an adult child of yours to move in if they needed a home, would you understand it so readily? Or is this a case of one rule for your DC and another for his?

terrelontane · 16/05/2020 22:38

@Mittens030869 That is entirely hypothetical and would depend on the conversations we would have had before getting married in the first place. I would hope that we would treat each other with the same respect.