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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

585 replies

Whatnowwww · 16/05/2020 15:27

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 17/05/2020 03:41

Ok so sit them both down and tell them that you feel excluded when he’s staying and you’re not sure wether you want to do three years of feeling excluded. Explain why you feel excluded and ask what they can do to resolve it.

Expat30 · 17/05/2020 03:43

@Rhodri if that's your opnion and advice then its a good thing you won't have any step kids and if you do I feel sorry for them. You can't be more narcissistic than you have portrayed yourself to be.

Porridgeoat · 17/05/2020 03:44

Also lay out the terms of him staying, pulling his weight without prompting, you not feeling the need to police him, respectful

Expat30 · 17/05/2020 03:45

"no way I would put my DC at risk or disrupt them" so preference to your own kids over the step kid? As if the step kid already doesn't feel like an outcast. People that hold your opinions is why there are so many issues when partners remarry with kids, if I was your partner and you had that opinion. I would be leaving you, no need to kick me out love.

CJsGoldfish · 17/05/2020 04:18

You sound like a petulant child OP.

It would be different if you had different, actually valid, reasons to feel this way but simply because you feel 'left out' is pretty pathetic.
Do you think your DSS has ever felt left out by you being on the scene, his father creating a new family and all that goes with that. Don't get me wrong, that, in itself is not an issue and, life goes on and we all have to adjust when it does. My only reason for raising it is that I'm pretty sure you cracked on anyway without really considering whether he felt 'left out' or not.

They love you, they respect you as you have stated but father and son having too much in common upsets you. Some people are not suited to step parenting and you are definitely one of them.
He's an 18 yr old member of your family and you are jealous of the relationship your DH has with his child. Lovely.

Peppafrig · 17/05/2020 04:32

YAbu he has as much right to live there are your two kids.

melj1213 · 17/05/2020 05:29

If my Ex lived in London, remarried, had kids and then told my DD that she couldn't live with him while she was a student at a London University and so would have to waste thousands of pounds on renting student accommodation all because his new partner "didnt want to share him" I would be absolutely raging.

Equally if I remarried, had more kids and my new husband said my DD couldn't live with us then I'd be out of the door straightaway because there is no way I could live with someone so self centred and selfish.

ArriettyJones · 17/05/2020 05:44

I can’t get over the assertion that being handed an expensive property you didn’t pay for, makes you more (rather than less) “possessive” of it and less inclined to share it with your OH & DSS.

You’ve been extremely lucky but you don’t want to share? Even with your own immediate family? Confused

Are you sure you should be married at all?

lovepickledlimes · 17/05/2020 05:56

@Expat30 tbh I do think even if all were biologically my children I would put down some ground rules for the eldest if they wanted to live at home. So no coming in at 4AM waking us all up, no strangers making themselves at home or bringing home multiple one night stands etc just because a lifestyle like that puts the household at inconvenience/risk etc. My ex had a brother who frequently tried to get back in at stupid hours waking everyone up in doing so. His mother's partner put his foot down saying that he will not be allowed to do so anymore. He became a lot more considerate of the time after sleeping out in the green house for one night

mangoinafrillydress · 17/05/2020 06:20

He hasn't even got a uni place yet.

I also don't believe that once you marry someone else with children, that those children become yours. You're two separate units.

Now you are pregnant, and already have another, you don't need someone else under YOUR roof.

He lives 2 hours away, not 2 continents away. He needs to stay with his mum.

lovepickledlimes · 17/05/2020 06:51

@mangoinafrillydress if you remarried with kids would you not want your partner to treat your children like family too? it's attitudes like yours that make single parents reluctant to seek out new relationships fearing that their older children will be pushed out the family once they have children with the new partner

mangoinafrillydress · 17/05/2020 07:20

That's not the point. The OP's stepson is an adult and they have young children. Nobody is being pushed out. OP needs to do what is right for the family that she and her DP have NOW.

I so think people should have a hard think before involving someone else in their children's lives or even getting involved with those who already have children. If it were simple, then there would be lots if happy blended families around.

monkeyonthetable · 17/05/2020 07:21

I also don't believe that once you marry someone else with children, that those children become yours.
But the children are his - her husband's. A child, even at the age of 18, should feel they have an absolute right to live with their parent and for that place to feel like home. If you don't like it, marry men who have no previous kids.

SquishyBones · 17/05/2020 07:24

YANBU op. I wouldn’t want him moving in either. It will change the whole dynamics of your home.

lovepickledlimes · 17/05/2020 07:25

@mangoinafrillydress even as an adult he is still her husband's son and should feel as part of the family welcome to stay at a parents house.

ArriettyJones · 17/05/2020 07:26

That's not the point. The OP's stepson is an adult and they have young children. Nobody is being pushed out. OP needs to do what is right for the family that she and her DP have NOW.

Hmm Her DP still has his older son “NOW”.

Do you think we divorce our children from our families when they turn 18? Confused

monkeyonthetable · 17/05/2020 07:39

I am staggered by how many people on this thread lack any emotional insight into the needs of others. It's as if their moral compass is set to: This is what I want and therefore it is right.

Shockers · 17/05/2020 07:41

I can’t imagine him wanting to stay past the first year (if at all).

TiddlestheCat · 17/05/2020 08:15

It was disrespectful not to consult you. And you need to tell them that. But 2021 is still a ways off. You may find that he lives with you for the first year (and is rarely at home) and then moves in with others.

LolaSmiles · 17/05/2020 08:22

It's astounding how many people here seem to think that it's fine for a man to play happy families with a woman's children and any they have together, and keep his distance from his other children in case it upsets his new partner as she didn't sign up to his kids.

It certainly sheds an interesting light on threads where an OP is upset her child's father isn't seeing their kids as much now he has a new partner. Normally the consensus is that if he lets a new partner get between him and his kids then he's failing as a father. I do hope everyone who's saying the OP didn't sign up for her DH's son will be on those threads telling other women to get over it as their ex has a new family now and needs to concentrate on those children.

Peggysgettingcrazy · 17/05/2020 08:27

I really don't understand how its disrespectful.

His son, is looking at a uni close by. Most parents would assume their kids would have a place in their household, to help them out. Wether they are with the mother or not. .

Its far more likely that the husband, assumed there would be no issue with one of his own kids living with him.

BakewellGin1 · 17/05/2020 08:36

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your DH didn't want your child staying with you. You have said yourself he is no bother and you know what myself and DH have two boys... The oldest nearly 12 and they have more in common then we do.. They both love sports and quite often I leave them to it and go to bed while they watch a match, or they have days out together to go away to matches and things.. Be grateful that your husband sticks to his responsibilities as a Father to all of his children because I'd be more concerned if he had a poor relationship with his son. The fact they are close is testiment to him building and keeping a good relationship over the years.

Also as others have said... After the initial year DSS may want to move out and live with friends.

Yes it would have been nice to have a discussion but i imagine your DH doesn't view your home as YOURS but a shared family home.

EdwinaMay · 17/05/2020 08:42

I think this could be to the detriment of the DSS.
A family member stayed at home with their quite possessive DM and never got into uni life. Ended up marrying a boy next door and never flew the nest until after acrimonious divorce.
I saw uni as the bye bye leaving home to live with loads of people their age stage for DCs, where everyone else is leaving home for the first time. Much easier to leave home and go to uni than head out into the world to your first job where you may not necessarily have others your age to socialise with.

Set some rules. No friends staying over, no mess in the kitchen, DH does his washing. Ime boys have to make the break from DPs and this is the best chance.

EdwinaMay · 17/05/2020 08:44

What is he studying - that makes a difference to how much spare time he has.

BubblesBuddy · 17/05/2020 08:52

I would talk to DSS about what he wants to do at university. He should aim for the best university for the course. Not the cheapest place to live because it’s with family. And, OP, you are family. DSS might also want a good time, socially, at university and live in halls for the first year which facilitates settling in and making friends. It does limit social life when students stay at home. For obvious reasons. It suits some but have a chat about the best universities for his subject. It might not be in London at all!