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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

585 replies

Whatnowwww · 16/05/2020 15:27

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

OP posts:
monkeyonthetable · 16/05/2020 18:25

@FizzyGreenWater - I completely disagree. Just because someone is legally an adult when they turn 18 doesn't mean they are no longer your child. If you have children, they are for life. You are always their parents and unless they are deeply, dangerously antisocial, should always be a safe fall back for them. particularly in their late teens and early twenties when they are transitioning form childhood to adulthood. They are still unsure about the world. they have very little money. Why would you not allow them to feel welcome in the parental home?

DeRigueurMortis · 16/05/2020 18:29

Didn't take long did it.....

Thanks Building for wonderfully demonstrating my point - with both shouty capitals and bold....

Bluntness100 · 16/05/2020 18:32

Op you need to work on your jealousy and your sense of “it’s my house”.

I’d also think to myself what happens when your marriage breaks down, I’m sorry but let’s be honest it’s not in great shape is it, you see the house as yours, you’re jealous of his son, and you clearly don’t have a lot in common, so what happens when you find your kids not welcome at their father and his new wife’s home?

Karma really is a bitch.

onceuponatimeinsuburbia · 16/05/2020 18:32

Of course you're going to be uncomfortable with another adult in the house, especially when it's your home and your dh hasn't even consulted you. Tackle this with your dh and make it clear that it's his lack of consideration that's an issue; leave the possibility of your DSS moving in for the present. It doesn't sound as if either of them has much respect for you. Do they expect you to shop, cook and clean for DSS as well? Unless you want to stamp 'doormat' on your forehead and lie yourself down, you need to set some boundaries with your DH pretty quickly.

LolaSmiles · 16/05/2020 18:33

building has a point though.
When two adults enter a long term relationship they make a decision knowing what 'baggage' the other has.

Would the OP be quick to kick her children out at 18 if DH decides they're adults now and he doesn't like how the OP and her daughter have lots of conversations that aren't of interest to him, that he shouldn't have to compete with the OP's daughter for attention in the marital home?

Sheepareawesome · 16/05/2020 18:37

I think dh should have discussed with you before inviting another person to come and live in your house. If he doesn't normally live there then it should be mentioned - son or not, you can't just ask someone to move into a house you don't own without asking!

DeeCeeCherry · 16/05/2020 18:38

The relationship between a parent and child and a husband and wife is different. Why are you even comparing, or in competitive mode over it? You've said you know they both love and respect you, yet that's still not enough? You're afraid to share your husband with his own son? You know very well that a young man at Uni is hardly going to be under your feet, he'll be studying and out. I hope you're not going to drip feed make him a monster as you're not getting their replies you'd like.

I don't think you view his son as part of your little family unit at all. Terrible attitude.

Tell him you don't want his son around then. See what happens.

Reading these boards I'm convinced lots of men only think of themselves - they marry women who don't like their kids and/or would never countenance kids living with them at any time. Stupid.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/05/2020 18:39

I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old

And when your dc get to 18......?

DeeCeeCherry · 16/05/2020 18:42

Would the OP be quick to kick her children out at 18 if DH decides they're adults now and he doesn't like how the OP and her daughter have lots of conversations that aren't of interest to him, that he shouldn't have to compete with the OP's daughter for attention in the marital home?

Good question & point.

But the answer is likely to be 'Its My House'...

Whatifitallgoesright · 16/05/2020 18:44

I feel for you, but you'll probably have to accept it. Be sure to set absolute rules on room cleaning, bedclothes changing, clothes washing. I think you've the right not to accept random men and women or even regular friends crashing there. He buys and prepares his own food, maybe an extra small fridge. Maybe you all eat together twice a week, he takes a turn cooking etc. He has to keep quiet because of the children and not leave drugs lying around. Good luck.

ZombieFan · 16/05/2020 18:47

You are married with kids, its his house as well. I cant believe you are jealous of his son.

But when he goes to uni he wont be in the house very much and his 'Dad' will certainly not be his best friend. And what right do you think you have to police him?

When you marry someone with kids they come as a package.

Wolfgirrl · 16/05/2020 18:49

YABVU.

Time and time again on MN, a 'I like my DSS/DSD but they just can't live with us despite the fact we have space, they're well behaved and my own children live with us'.

I wish you would all just be a bit more honest and admit you're magpies. You enjoy having the nest to yourself, your husband and your own children, and just don't want your stepchildren around. Instead theres always a flurry of weak excuses.

LolaSmiles · 16/05/2020 18:54

Time and time again on MN, a 'I like my DSS/DSD but they just can't live with us despite the fact we have space, they're well behaved and my own children live with us'.
Spot on.
Of course my new DP can absolutely move in and play dad to MY children, but his children should fit in around my wishes and wants.
Naturally my children's dad should also cater around my wishes, wants and schedules as well, and if there's any hint of him backing off from our kids when his new partner makes the same selfish demands I have to my new DP (eg I do like your kids but can they not come around as much, not stay with us as much, can you not pay them do much attention because I don't like it) them I shall present my children's dad as a terrible father.

Peggysgettingcrazy · 16/05/2020 18:54

Tbh if someone pulled the 'this is my house.....not yours' i wouldn't be with them.

Op if you fatger is still alive. Its your fathers. If he isnt, that house is a marital asset.

It really sound like you want your own life away from your dh and his son.

terrelontane · 16/05/2020 18:57

YANBU.
You didn't marry a resident parent.
You were not consulted about a decision about your home life.
You're not kicking your DSS out, you just don't want him moving in.

avocadont · 16/05/2020 18:57

YANBU, it's not like DSS doesn't have other options and can't rent somewhere else like all the other students. Why didn't your DH run this by you first?

forgetmeyes · 16/05/2020 19:52

If my dp said this to me I would move out so my child could live with me. How would you feel if your DP moved out? I bet you'd be complaining he's abandoning you and your shared child(ren), you haven't said if the 4 year old is his or not.

If he stays with you and you won't let him live in the house then he is effectively abandoning his son, that is not ok.

You need to get over your jealousy. It's wonderful that he has a good relationship with his dad, so many teenagers don't. It is also your choice to go to bed at 8pm which is very early for an adult, do you expect your DP to come to bed with you then? Because unless I got up at 4 am I wouldn't even be contemplating going to bed then, let alone be able to sleep.

You also need to get over your possessiveness of your home. Once you got married it became a marital asset and is no longer just yours. If you don't allow his son to live with you and thus he decides to get a divorced he will get half the house anyway. Surely you'd rather have your whole family (SS and all) under one roof than you and DH possibly split and having to sell the house as a marital asset in the divorce.

He is your DP's son and when you married he officially became your stepson and you need to treat him as such. Not as your DP's mate who occasionnaly visits but as his son who he loves and has every right to invite to live with him when he needs it. As pp has said unless you expect your children to move out the day the turn 18 you are unreasonable to expect the same of SS, you need to accept him as your DP's child because although he is an adult he is still his child and although not legally obliged to look after him, morally, good parents continue to support their DC through uni and young adulthood whilst they find their feet.

Wolfgirrl · 16/05/2020 20:19

@avocadont

London rents are ridiculously expensive, if they have plenty of room wouldn't it be ridiculous to shell out ~1000 a month on accommodation?

Can you really see the OP treating her 4 year old similarly in future and booting them out when they turn 18, despite the fact their university is near by?

Thisismytimetoshine · 16/05/2020 20:22

Did you think he would just bundle his original children into a cupboard and forget about them when he had more with you?

SylvanianFrenemies · 16/05/2020 20:26

You don't want to live with an 18yo? So you'll be kicking your 2 out when they are 17?

Wolfgirrl · 16/05/2020 20:38

@terrelontane

No. OP married a parent. You know, with a child that doesn't stop being their child just because they're no longer with their mum, or because they've turned 18.

He sounds like a respectful, well behaved young man that just wants to move in to continue his study and save an enormous amount of money on rent. There is no reason OP doesnt want him there other than jealousy and the secret resentment that she has to share her husband with his own child who was there before she even met him.

Thisismytimetoshine · 16/05/2020 20:44

You didn't marry a resident parent.
Wtf??

june2007 · 16/05/2020 20:47

I am not a step parent but I think the basic rule is, don,t get between parent and child.

Thisismytimetoshine · 16/05/2020 20:53

Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’
You're married. It absolutely is 'yours' (plural).

billy1966 · 16/05/2020 20:55

I think the OP should have been consulted privately about any proposed change in living arrangements.

Very basic courtesy.

Being told as an afterthought is not respectful.

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