To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

[Whatnowwww]

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

He is eighteen.

He isn't a child - he's an adult. This isn't about children or stepchildren.

No husband or wife has the right to invite any other adult to come and live in the house they share with someone else.

Your H had no right to offer for your home to become a house share with another ADULT.

For someone who is an adult, with children you are childish, complaining you feel left out, for God’s sake get over it.

You knew he had a child, he is right to support him, albeit he should have discussed with you first. You say it’s your childhood home, but it’s also now the family home and if you can’t cope with that then maybe you need to move to your own family home

Don’t turn into a horrible stepmother, how would you feel if your parent said sorry you can’t live here now as xxx won’t like it.

Time to grow up

I'd hope in most circumstances that a first year of university would be an adventure living away from home somewhere. However, September 2020 might be a stay at your laptop an experience things through a screen.

What a horrible post. Don’t know why I’m surprised though. I’m hopeful that the step parents who post on MN aren’t representative of step parents generally, because if they are, I despair for the DSCs out there.

@Livelovebehappy to cheer you up, DH here is DS14's step dad and they adore one another - they fish together, have shared hobbies, build all manner of shit out of wood in the garage and have a positive, happy relationship. They bicker occasionally, too, because they're human, but there's no resentment or unkindness or 'mine' about any of it - just love. It helps that DH has always understood that DS has been the priority - he's as much DH's priority as he is mine and I can't tell you how much more I respect my DH for being the kind of guy who just gets it and doesn't feel pushed out or resentful.

Ex's DW is gorgeous, loves DS14 to the ends of the earth and I read threads like this and thank the baby jesus that he sent lovely step parents like DH and Ex's DW to love my DS. DS14 buys his step mum a mothers day card each year because he says she loves him when I can't be there. I could take offence at that and be shitty that he loves another woman, or I can be grateful that another woman cherishes our gorgeous boy. I choose the latter.

There are lovely, lovely step parents out there.

@Rainbow12e that's a lovely post!

YABU. It's increasingly normal for young people to live at home during university, because rent is just so high now. Especially in London, I'm not sure it's very feasible to rent, unless your DH and his ex are forking over a massive amount in parental contributions - student loans just don't cover London rent now.

I also note, if you're married, then the house is also your DH's house. It's absolutely your home. I think YABVU to regard it as solely yours, that you let your husband stay in. You're married for goodness sake.

Why are you going to bed so early?

Either you’ve never been pregnant or have a very short memory. It’s 43 years since I was last pregnant and I still remember not being able to keep my eyes open by about 9pm.

@FizzyGreenWater
Unless you’re going to chuck all the kids out at eighteen then yes actually it is about children.
It’s not the poor boys fault his mum and dad split up.

I don't think the OP will be back.

I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old.

So your own kids will be out the door on their 18th birthdays will they?

Lovely.

I'm normally every stepmum's cheerleader on here becuase I think they get a needlessly bad rap, but I think you're in the wrong here.

Yes your husband should have discussed with you first - but I'm assuming that he has a room at yours? I can see why the assumption would be made tbh. I think you're being a little ridiculous about them talking - if he was your son, you'd like it a lot.

I don't get how some people are making disparaging remarks about the husband or the marriage based on this one post.

I can see where you're coming from on most of this OP. Your DH was wrong not to consult you about your DSS coming to live with you for 3/4 years but it doesn't have anything to do with it being 'your house' it's just common decency. Same goes for the blokey behaviour. My DH and our adult DS try to do this to me, until I put my foot down. It's disrespectful and inconsiderate. Having said all of this I think it's perfectly reasonable for the DSS to live with you, why wouldn't he? He's your DH's son but they both need to know the ground rules going forward. It's not going to be some bloke fest with you looking after them and the kids.

Wow you're getting a hard time on here OP.

That said I'm not surprised, the mantra is very much that SM's should put aside all their personal concerns and act as third fiddle to SC's and parents.

Firstly your DH is unreasonable for not discussing this with you first.

For all the cries here of "you knew he had a son" (obviously she did) we are talking here about a significant change in living arrangements concerning an adult not a child.

This is something that will impact not just the OP but the whole family and it's something that should have been talked about.

Is he going to pay board for example? What are the rules of the house (getting in late after a Uni party when the younger children are trying to sleep)?

Is he doing his own cooking/buying his own food? Is the OP expected to cater for him or not and what impact does that have on use of the kitchen etc

When he applied to uni in London did he anticipate living with the OP? Did he just assume it would be ok or did his father tell him that?

What would he have done if he went to another uni?

Tbh imho part of the uni experience is living independently. I appreciate rent in London is horrific but that's a known - so when taking the uni place why wasn't that a factor?

It's not a simple as some people are making out.

DSD is at Uni 10 mins away from us and doesn't live with us.

She pops over regularly, especially for her favourite Sunday roast (with a ton of washing and leaves with it all clean plus a load of foodstuffs ).

Yes it would be cheaper for her to live with us but we want her to be independent and rather than pay us board from her loan we give her that money to help fund her accommodation (plus loads of help out with food/clothing etc).

She's very much loved by both DH and me but whilst DS is still at school and we are working, her uni lifestyle wouldn't be a good fit for the household and frankly we want her to have fun and not be tiptoeing in at midnight having left the party early and to be in an environment where she can entertain friends

This isn't just about being "mean" or "selfish".

There are a whole host of issues here and the idea that OP should just suck it up without being consulted explains why so many SM's end up a breaking point.

He is eighteen.
He isn't a child - he's an adult. This isn't about children or stepchildren.
No husband or wife has the right to invite any other adult to come and live in the house they share with someone else.
Your H had no right to offer for your home to become a house share with another ADULT.

It's about the OP's son and usually these days children do not leave home at 18.

If he was 17 and 364 days old would it be ok for him to move in then, not being an adult and all that?

No husband or wife has the right to invite any other adult to come and live in the house they share with someone else.

Your H had no right to offer for your home to become a house share with another ADULT.

It's his teenage child!

Dear me, only on Mumsnet would people have the view that a parent has no responsibility towards their child the second they turn 18 and that it's acceptable to expect your partner to reduce parental support to appease you.

If the OP was of the view that her husband's children should keep out the way and not inconvenience her life then maybe she should have chosen to settle down with someone without teenage children.

I’d encourage him like mad to apply to other universities outside London and also go on and on about what a great time you had in halls/student houses at uni. But if pinch comes to shove, yes, YABU. It sounds like you are holding DSS’ great relationship with his dad against him. If you feel sidelined you should (a) have a talk with DH (but only when it is confirmed DSS is very likely to live with you) agreeing that he won’t just default to hanging out with DSS after dinner but that you will have date nights, couple film nights etc and (b) remember that DSS is likely to be out almost all the time and the few nights he is at home will be very tired and probably want some alone time.

Also - free babysitting...

Agree with FizzyGreen -- DSS is not a child, he is already an adult.
It's really, really rude of your DH not to consult you over this. You don't want to share your house with another adult, and you don't have to.
OK for his parent(s) to subsidize him at university but it's not the OP's responsibility. His Dad might be payIng some of his son's expenses (as should the boy's mother) but if he does come to live with you he ought to give some rent to you -- it will still be cheaper for him than living in halls of residence or flatsharing.
It's not easy sharing your space with another adult , specially after you were not even consulted over the situation! Will you be expected to cook, clean and pick up after him as well as looking after your DCs -- a baby and 4-5 year old?
I think you might need to lay down some hard and fast ground rules before it happens and you become the general dogsbody.
As for people saying your DH is entitled to half the house -- well, that would depend on lots of things, the length of your marriage, his other assets, pension pot etc and your own needs (and the needs of your own children)

Also, the conversation about food and board is important - it’s not good for young people to be given everything on a plate and if he decides to take a student loan he shouldn’t just have it all as beer money. On the other hand the interest on student loans is much higher than it used to be so if you can save him having such a big one you’ll be doing him a massive support in life. It’s about what you and DH are both comfortable with, not just DH.

I'm sorry but if you marry someone with a child you have to accept that that child (even if they are now an adult) may come and live with you.

Not if that was never the deal in the first place.

In the circumstances OP describes, what would really stick in my craw is the SS being told he's welcome to move in without any consultation taking place with the OP about how this move is going to affect her and the younger children. Isn't she even entitled to a say in something that will affect her life on a day-to-day basis? Oh, but I'm forgetting. This is MN, stepparents have no rights.

I'd also be interested to know how many of those who preach that stepparents should accept their stepkids 'as their own' actually have stepkids.

I agree with you @Whatnowwww bit good luck on here. Unless step mother’s on Mumsnet completely adore their step-kids then they’re clearly bitches from hell. It’s the Mumsnet code don’t you know. I’m speaking both as a mum and a step mum btw.

Not if that was never the deal in the first place.

Doesn't matter what the deal was anything could happen, the other parent may die or move away. If you marry someone with a child you have to accept that they may move in at some point.

@bringincrazyback

I agree but it goes deeper than that.

There's an expectation often on here that if you marry a man with children your life is expected to be one of utter self sacrifice.

There are rules:

• it doesn't matter how the SC behave. They can behave appallingly but you can't possibly discipline them.

• the parents are always right. As a SM, even if you have insight into a specific issue your input is neither valid or wanted.

• you're good for doing the leg work, school runs, cooking, cleaning, helping with homework but when it comes to any pivotal decisions then forget it.

• your well being and that of any half siblings (ie your children) is subservient to the needs of your SC.

To be clear this isn't my experience. It's the culmination of multiple threads I've read.

I'm bloody lucky as my DH and his ex have always co-parented brilliantly and I have a wonderful relationship with DSD that has undoubtedly enriched my life and I hope hers.

But part of the reason that it's worked is because we've (as in DH, DSD's mum and me) have ignored most of the rubbish that gets spouted on MN about step parents.

Sounds as though you're jealous of your DHs relationship with his son. That's horrendous and you need to rein that attitude in. He's part of your family and should be treated the same as your own DC.