Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

585 replies

Whatnowwww · 16/05/2020 15:27

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

OP posts:
Bibijayne · 16/05/2020 16:31

I think there are a few issues here.

YANBU to have concerns about an adult.studrnt living with you full-time. Or to be miffed about your DH offering full-time accomodation to another adult without consulting you.

YABU to be jealous of your DSS.

I think you need to have a conversation with your DH about where DSS has applied/ his uni preferences and how you he and ExW will be supporting DSS through uni. What help will he need, what can you afford etc. Find out what the options are and have a discussion with DH, and later DSS and his mum about options. Find out the actual expectations and then raise any concerns in an adult way.

cooperage · 16/05/2020 16:32

Of course the boy should be able to live with you if you have the space. BUT your DH was unreasonable not to talk to you about it before inviting him.

Neither party should make this sort of decision without having the courtesy to discuss it with the other first.

Lovemusic33 · 16/05/2020 16:32

If you have the space then I don’t see the issue, he’s 18 so you won’t have to police his behaviour or coming and goings as such, you can lay down a few rules and he could provide free child care?

okiedokieme · 16/05/2020 16:32

Yabu. If you marry/live with a person with kids, even adult ones, then you need to accept that they are equally important to their parent as any subsequent children born from your relationship and all children (both your kids from previous relationships and joint kids) are welcome to live with you until they complete their education.

In my relationship we both have 2 adult , we are buying a home of sufficient size in case one or two wish to live with us following university.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 16/05/2020 16:32

For me the issue is that your DH has made a decision without any discussion with you. I would be speaking to him about that.

However I can see no reason why his DSS wouldnt be welcome to stay so he can go to uni in a very expenisve city. Uni terms are very short and he is likely to go home to his mums alot.

Beautiful3 · 16/05/2020 16:33

If you love your husband then you should welcome his son, like you would your own.

Monkey2001 · 16/05/2020 16:33

I would not want my own DCs to stay at home as students as I think that moving out and being independent is an important part of being a student. I think they should be partying and I would worry about them being out later than expected if they were home (just would not know if they were away), also know they would treat home as a hotel a bit too much.

However, with coronavirus I think everything is different at the moment and they will not be able to socialise and do the "student things" so staying at home would make more sense than it would in a normal year.

I think you are worrying unnecessarily about being excluded. Actually, if he lives with you there will be a stronger relationship between all of you and your DH will not be catching up with him all the time in the same intense way.

Mittens030869 · 16/05/2020 16:33

I really don't he'll be at home much once he's at uni, he'll only come back to sleep, I think. Then he'll want to move into a house-share once the first year is over as he will have made friends.

Imapotato · 16/05/2020 16:34

London rent is super expensive. He’ll be pretty hard up as a student if he has to rent.

That said, if he’s living in your house then he has to live by family rules, rolling in drunk at all hours waking the littles ones up wouldn’t be acceptable etc.

If he can live by the family rules while he’s a student, then he should be welcome in your home, if it’s his fathers home, it’s his home too.

LolaSmiles · 16/05/2020 16:35

Your DH should have had a discussion with you first in private, but YABU to marry someone with teenage children and then think you can dictate their parenting arrangements.

I'd have some sympathy if you were in a small flat with not enough room, but this boils down to you not wanting DH's attention split.

Thighmageddon · 16/05/2020 16:35

Just thinking about it, so many times on here we hear of lack lustre, half arsed, maintenance dodging excuses for Fathers.

Yet here is a father that wants to support his child through uni, not every student copes brilliantly in the first year, and the Op thinks this is unacceptable.

Purpleartichoke · 16/05/2020 16:38

The alternative is paying for his housing at university out of your household budget. I do think there is value in living in student accommodation, but it can be incredibly expensive.

Sonichu · 16/05/2020 16:38

Remember this when your children are going to uni.

Brefugee · 16/05/2020 16:39

Meh - he should have discussed with you before offering your DSS to live with you like that.

But it's not unreasonable to expect your child to be able to live with you under those circs.

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup · 16/05/2020 16:39

YANBU to have an adult uni student living with you.

YABU to not have him live with you at all. He is likely to move in with you after he finishes uni as lots of jobs are in London.

I suggest you have a discussion with both of them about ground rules so if he is to become a permanent member of your household you make it clear what behaviour you expect from him. This includes clearing up after himself, doing his own laundry, not eating all the food, not being noisy after a particular time and not having randoms around due to the safety of your younger children. Also make him acutely aware of the historical significance of your house. He may then choose not to live with you while he's a student but only when he's graduated (and hopefully working full-time).

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2020 16:39

If he lives with his mum usually it’ll be her details and finances that go on his application.

Hunnybears · 16/05/2020 16:39

Stop being needy. He’s a dad first and a husband second. How would you feel if someone was saying this about your two children like they were in the way!!!!

OpenWheelRace · 16/05/2020 16:40

YANBU but you forget that step parents are evil on Mumsnet, particularly those who want their own space

slipperywhensparticus · 16/05/2020 16:40

🤣🤣🤣 you won't see him he will be enjoying himself you might trip over him occasionally studying if you wake up around 3am

YinMnBlue · 16/05/2020 16:41

Life is currently really tough for 18 yos, who should be out and about having wild times with friends, so it’s lovely that your DH has such a good relationship with him, and that bodes well for his parenting of your own baby.

I can see how being pg you probably feel like having your own cosy nest with your DH, so maybe gently discuss starting the equivalent of an ‘at home date night’ with your DH.

If Your DSS is attending Uni in London, will your DH need to subsidise the astronomical accommodation costs for London students if he doesn’t live with you?

I do think your DH should have discussed it with you.

But if it dies happen, SS others have said, he will have a very full life outside your home.

Deep breath, OP.

OrangeCinnamon · 16/05/2020 16:42

YABU my daughter will always have a home with me if she needs it. If me and DH were divorced I'd expect her to be able to live / visit either of us if she needed. Things are really tough for young people and it's going to get worse. My view is we should support our children as much as we possibly can , perhaps that is your husband's automatic assumption...maybe he didn't realise you'd feel differently ?
The other stuff is a red herring you might need to communicate with your husband about.

LolaSmiles · 16/05/2020 16:43

YANBU but you forget that step parents are evil on Mumsnet, particularly those who want their own space
There are some ridiculous evil step parents responses across Mumsnet.

This is not one of them.

Anyone getting in a relationship with someone with children doesn't get to decide they want space from the children when it suits. Children are a life long responsibility, not a life long responsibility unless my new partner doesn't like it in which case I'll temporarily ditch parenting to appease my new partner.

ivfgottostaypositive · 16/05/2020 16:43

Yes YABU ask yourself would you be like this if it was one of your own children and I'll bet you'd be up in arms if the roles were reversed.

Also completed unreasonable and selfish to talk about YOUR own when you're married.

Jaxhog · 16/05/2020 16:44

What's unreasonable is if your DH assumed that it's ok without discussing it with you first. Then you would have a chance to make your concerns clear and agree some ground rules about how it will work. For example, they both have to be involved with your other child and you.

I think it would wrong for you to say no without having that discussion.

Devlesko · 16/05/2020 16:45

You married someone with baggage, his son. Unless he was sprung on you, he was no surprise.
As you are married it's just as much your husbands house as yours, if you were to split, he'd probably get half.
I'm sure with a new baby and a four year old you'll have plenty to occupy yourself whilst they spend time together after 8. Why are you going to bed so early?