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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

585 replies

Whatnowwww · 16/05/2020 15:27

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

OP posts:
intheningnangnong · 16/05/2020 16:06

OP when lockdown is over it won’t be anything like it is now. Your DSS will be out with his mates and your DH will be feeling ignored Grin

areyoubeingserviced · 16/05/2020 16:07

YABU
Not nice Op

ARoseInHarlem · 16/05/2020 16:07

I think you’re being unreasonable, but you’ve been very honest about how you feel and why. You do sound fond of him, and he of you.

I think if you set firm boundaries and approach it with the right attitude, this could be a lovely thing for you all. Babysitting for you a couple of years from now for the odd Saturday night. Another adult in hand. Your DC having a big brother around. Your DSS seeing his half siblings grow from baby to toddler, small child to primary aged child (that’s just amazing for when your DC are teens and DSS is in his twenties and thirties). Your DH having his children together for a while. It sounds like a privilege, not something to be avoided.

The practical reality won’t be so bad, I think, as long as you’re firm that he respects this is a household of small children, so one that runs to school and work schedules. No treating you like his maid. Respect for the shared home.

Your bit about the house not being “ours” because it’s your childhood home is atrocious. That’s an unconscionable way to see your DH’s home, father of your DC, let alone your DSS’s home.

darkforceofexcesszeal · 16/05/2020 16:07

It will change with lockdown ending and uni. He’ll be busy and you’ll have a new baby, and life will be very different. Interestingly, this seems to happen a lot with boys and their dads in my social group - I have three friend’s whose stepsons moved in for uni (in one case, two stepsons) and in two cases, they stayed for the degree (in one they moved out after a year to flat share).
They all said it was actually great and increased their bond with the step kids.
Only one is still there after uni, the rest have gone off elsewhere to work and live with girlfriends.

Nosuchluck · 16/05/2020 16:09

Your DH should have discussed this with you first.
Maybe try and think of the positives such as the 7ish thousand rent that won’t need paying or that you could ask your DSS to babysit once a month.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2020 16:09

You should be discussing these things together, he shouldn’t be dictating to you.
Your house is presumably now a marital asset, not just yours.
If he’s there full time I’m sure it’ll be less intense and more day to day.

Have you not spoken about this since it came up in conversation?

Thighmageddon · 16/05/2020 16:11

Unless pre-nups were signed, if it comes to divorce it will be his home too.

And if I were your dh I'd be considering my future with you right now.

Yes a conversation should've happened but the outcome should be the same, his ds stays at yours whilst at uni.

CoffeeRunner · 16/05/2020 16:11

You can only refuse now if you also plan to refuse to let your own DCs live in “your” home during uni too.

But yes. Of course a discussion would have been nice.

JellyfishandShells · 16/05/2020 16:15

I feel so sorry for the boy - his father lives in London with his wife, in a large house, yet he is expected to fork out for student accommodation in one of the most expensive cities in the country.

He probably won’t want to stay for the three years but it would be a kindness to let him be there for the first year whilst he finds his feet.

And maybe he wants to spend some proper time with his father - but that is probably what this is all about, really, taking attention off your two children.

FirTree31 · 16/05/2020 16:17

How inconvenient for you that your husband loves his son and would love him to move in. YABVU. You expect your child to live with your husband but not his other son, you leave wives/gfs, not children. He is also their half brother.

Mittens030869 · 16/05/2020 16:19

Not nice at all. I presume you wouldn't kick your own DC out when they turn 18?

JacobReesMogadishu · 16/05/2020 16:20

Are you going to give him 30k for his rent elsewhere then?

Being jealous of your husband’s son is not good. But chances are as he makes uni friends he wouldn’t be in the house that much anyway. Bet your 4yo would love having their big brother about. How nice that they could get to know each other more.

madcatladyforever · 16/05/2020 16:22

If my partner ever told me my son could not live with us he would be dumped. Of course he has a lot in common with his son.
I think your unreasonable jealousy will destroy your marriage.

Feedingthebirds1 · 16/05/2020 16:22

but that is probably what this is all about, really, taking attention off your two children.

That's your take on it, but the OP hasn't said that. She's said that the main reason is because when DSS visits she is pushed out in her own home. And I don't mean that because it was her parents' house, but because it is her home as much as it is DH's.

This should have been discussed between the OP and DH before anything was said to the DS. Such as, ground rules for behaviour, contribution to bills, contribution to, and engagement with, the household in general, any chores to be allocated to him.

They are all things that it wouldn't be unreasonable to discuss with your own DC, so it isn't unreasonable to ask it of DSS. I can't tell from the OP, but one interpretation of what she's written is that the DSS has effectively been given carte blanche to live there with no contribution to anything.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 16/05/2020 16:23

Of course you are unreasonable worrying about this, the vast majority of kids wouldn’t like to live with their parents during university.

browneyedgirl2018 · 16/05/2020 16:24

The thing that makes me feel sad is that you said he loves you. The boy loves you, but you don't want him to stay.

AriadnesFilament · 16/05/2020 16:24

If this was about the potential disruption to a school age child and a baby of a uni student coming and going late at night (as late teens/ early twenties do), wanting friends round, girlfriends staying, and so forth and how all of that impacts on and meshes with the needs of a much younger set of children when the step-son isn’t usually resident, and your husband hasn’t discussed this with you first, I could see your point. They would be (potentially) rational concerns.

But it isn’t.

This is about possessiveness. Pure and simple. Possessiveness and jealousy. And that’s distinctly unpleasant. Your property. Your husband. “I don’t want to share”. Well, tough. You’ve got to. You married a man who already has a child and then chose to have more children with him, making his first child your children’s sibling! You’re going to have to make peace with these rather unpleasant and childish feelings for the good of everyone, including your own children, otherwise you’re going to have much bigger problems not much further down the line.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 16/05/2020 16:25

I'd divorce my husband if he ever made my daughter feel less than welcome in our home.

Sodamncold · 16/05/2020 16:26

I sympathise OP
But you are being unreasonable

Sounds like your marriage needs work and your focus is wrong

Tableclothing · 16/05/2020 16:27

There is no way your DSS will want to live with you when he's at uni. He'll want to get drunk and get laid and living with your folks and baby siblings is not conducive to that. Smile and say "oh, that'll be lovely" because it is extremely unlikely to happen.

AllsortsofAwkward · 16/05/2020 16:27

I agree with bluntness you're married but you're home is yours only not ours.As someone stated you're married unless you signed a prenup YOUR home is a joint asset and if you divorced he would be entitled to your home. You have a very odd outlook in regards to you're home and you're dh son.

emiilyy · 16/05/2020 16:27

I get it. You feel like SS is intruding on your family unit. But when you married him, he had a son you knew about.

I used to hate my older half brother from my dads first marriage coming to live with us. I bullied him so badly even though he got bullied at home. My mum even encouraged it.
And I feel so fricking shit about it. I've apologised so much and out of my siblings HE is my favourite ones the one who always makes effort with me and my family.

Your step son is part of your family unit, and you know maybe your son might enjoy him around.

(Is your 4 year old from a Previous relationship or your husband?)

It won't be forever, no doubt he will make tons of friends and go into a house share anyway and guess what! You may even get an occasional night out when your husband asks his son kindly to be a babysitter!

You are allowed your feelings but to act on them is very unreasonable

Alsohuman · 16/05/2020 16:29

Once lockdown is over you’ll barely see him. Why would you want him to pay £££££ in rent when he doesn’t need to? Look on the bright side - babysitting on tap.

rwalker · 16/05/2020 16:30

Everything is worse with whats going on let it settle down first before you judge the situation .

Scarlettpixie · 16/05/2020 16:31

Wow, yabu.

Your husband sounds like a good dad. This bodes well as regards how he will treat your children. Do you expect your DH to go to bed at 8? Surely he would stay up a bit even if DSS wasn’t there. You sound jealous of the time they spend together and that is really not good. You chose a man with a son and they come as a package. Surely you considered the possibility that DSS might live with you at some point.

Once lock down is over and he is at uni, things would be less intense I am sure. For now it sounds like they are making the most of the opportunity to spend time more together which is lovely. This will not continue though in the same way if being there becomes the norm. He will be studying and out with friends. Do you expect your kids to move out at 18 and never come back? Some will, but many won’t. Finally I assume he will visit mum during the hols and perhaps some weekends so you will get some alone time then.

If this were reversed and I were with a man who refused to have my barely adult child living with us if we had the space I would be showing him the door (or leaving).