To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

[Whatnowwww]

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

Thankfully my DCs left home at 18. They wanted independence from us oldies and I wanted not to cook and clean for them.

I think it was unfair of your husband to invite his stepson to live with you full time without consulting you first. You would not be unreasonable to raise that with him.

However, you don't yet know for sure that your stepson will go to university in London, so the situation may not arise, and even if it does, he's going to want to spend time out socialising with his friends, not at home watching films with his dad. I wouldn't be surprised if he was out more often than he is in.

You will obviously need to set some ground rules about things like mess, noise and having people over. He will need to understand that the payoff for not spending thousands renting in London as a student is that he will not be able to have house parties, invite friends over to stay at the spur of the moment, or do a lot of things that students normally do. If he goes out and comes back late at night, he will need to be quiet and respectful of the fact that it is your home and his young siblings also live there.

There's no reason why this can't work out, but you definitely need to establish some ground rules and all be on the same page here.

Your dh should have discussed this with you before telling your ss he could stay, but YABVU if you say he can’t stay.

I totally understand you feeling annoyed about not being consulted, this is a major decision for the whole family and there should have been some discussion. If I were you I would explain in no uncertain terms that I expect decisions like this to be made jointly.

However, I do think when you marry someone with children there is always the possibility that they will come to live with you and if you can't accept that you should stick to people without kids from previous relationships. At 18 and off to uni I doubt you will see much of him anyway as he will hopefully be far too busy studying, working, having fun with new friends!

Going 'wawawa my husband has a close relationship with his son and I feel left out so I don't want him to live in MY house etc' is being very unreasonable

There's just absolutely no need for this awful, bullying tone that you and so many others have adopted about her mentioning feeling left out when he is there. Most well mannered people make an effort not to pass whole evenings leaving one of the members of the household out of conversations and film choices. Feeling left out when this happens (as standard) is perfectly natural. She didn't say she absolutely refused to have him live there as a result, she said she was dreading it as a result. Cue the awful MN harpies to swoop in and sling as many "diddums" at her as they can, for daring to express perfectly normal feelings of apprehension about a decision that's been unexpectedly taken completely out of her control.

By not discussing this with her, her husband not only disrespected her as his partner and (at least) joint homeowner, he also robbed her of the opportunity to discuss these fears with him and have him reassure her that, like any decent husband, he wouldn't invite his son to move in to their shared home just to exclude her from all conversations and watch films she doesn't like every night. Because THAT would be a perfectly reasonable thing to not be looking forward to or to say she's not willing to put up with for three years.

Is it any wonder she feels she won't be included much when he's there? She wasn't even included in this bloody conversation about moving someone into the home she owns!

I haven’t read the whole thread. But how many of you have actually been to university? And lived the proper social life of a uni student? I wouldn’t want my own children living with me when they were going to uni, if they were even a fraction like me.

Coming in at all hours. Hammered. With a kebab (maybe). And thinking you’re being super quiet when in actual fact you’re crashing around like a elephant on roller blades. Not every university student has that lifestyle I know, but many do. Would I want any child coming into a family home with young children knowing that’s part and parcel of uni life? No. A resolute no.

This should have been discussed with the Op before it was even raised with the SS. And truthfully if the husband is this clueless/ entitled then that behaviour will continue once (if) this DSS lives with them with explanations no doubt of ‘boys will be boys/ we all did that.’

Yanbu OP. People on mnet always seem to come out in hordes in these scenarios of ‘you’re with someone who had a child, how dare you treat this child differently.’

My eldest sibling and his wife have had an identical conversation about their son. Uni age. They live in Central London. My nephew has applied to all London unis. My DB says he should stay with them and avoid debt. My SIL is an adamant no and wants her son to enjoy uni life to the full (probably grow up a little/ flourish socially) and does not want to live with a uni student in her late 40’s.

I agree with my SIL 100%. OP, I would feel the exact same way. And I would be having the blunt convo with your DH about why this massive decision was not discussed (at length) before he offered it to his child. Children do NOT override (and nor should they), the adult conversations/ feelings.

“Children do NOT override (and nor should they), the adult conversations/ feelings.”

100% agree! Where do people get this idea that just because your DH has a child your life is now dictated to by them. This wouldn’t be the case with your own kids so why as a step parent should you just put up with things? There is a reason why Uni students live in halls the first year, it is also all part of the experience and independence etc. OP if you haven’t already you need to talk to your DH about this ASAP

This is about money too. My sons are at university (although final term now is at home due to CV19). I presume the step mother here would be happy for the husband to pay more to the boy if he rents at university ( assuming the boy takes a student loan and goes not get the maximum so there is a £4k shortfall)?

I don't know why people marry men with children - it is a recipe for disaster.

*My eldest sibling and his wife have had an identical conversation about their son. Uni age. They live in Central London. My nephew has applied to all London unis. My DB says he should stay with them and avoid debt. My SIL is an adamant no and wants her son to enjoy uni life to the full (probably grow up a little/ flourish socially) and does not want to live with a uni student in her late 40’s.

I agree with my SIL 100%. OP, I would feel the exact same way. And I would be having the blunt convo with your DH about why this massive decision was not discussed (at length) before he offered it to his child. Children do NOT override (and nor should they), the adult conversations/ feelings*

This attitude is one only the wealthy can afford. To be able to indulge in “the full student experience” and airily wave away £tens of thousands of debt in this way is pretty elitist. I’d prefer my child to have as little debt as possible and be financially responsible.

Marrying men with children is far from a disaster for me. My stepchildren have enriched my life immeasurably - which I didn’t imagine myself saying 20 years ago.

Then @alsohuman you make that decision. You don’t get to force it on others with a unilateral decision. It’s immensely disrespectful.

I know that @sassbott. I was commenting on your view of student debt.

children do NOT (and nor should they) override the adult conversations/feelings

Totally agree, but when it comes to a step situation, there seems to be the expectation that the step child’s requirements eclipse those of the wider family. It doesn’t do anyone any good.

@coffeepot72

Yes her husband should have consulted her first, but the question isnt about that. The question is 'AIBU to not be happy with DSS living with us during university'.

Now let's take the facts into account.

Up until now, OP has had hubby to herself for a minimum of 5 years, probably much more. DSS has only come to visit every 2 weeks, during which time he watches action films and spends time with his dad that she means about. He is a respectful lad and the brother of her 2 small children, who would probably love some time with their big brother. He has asked to move in for a perfectly legitimate and sensible reason (university, and to save an enormous amount of money on rent). There is every possibility he could be an asset with a new baby around by helping with chores and entertaining the 4 year old in return for his accommodation. Even if he did move in, there is a good chance he will make new friends in the first year and want to move in with them for year 2 anyway. They can set ground rules to make sure he does not bring his student lifestyle back with him etc.

Now let's look at the reasons OP doesnt want him there. She started out saying it was through petty jealousy of the time he spends with his dad (every 2 weeks, while she has him to herself the rest of the time). Then it moved on to the fact it was 'her' house and she simply doesnt want him living there. Then she tried to save herself a bit by making out it would be hard work with small children despite (as above) the facts suggesting he could actually be an asset. Then she pretended it was out of concern for him losing his experience when everyone told her how selfish she was being.

Is a non-guaranteed student 'experience' (aka living in a mucky flat with a few strangers) worth 35k of debt at the end? He can still go on nights out, holidays, crash at other people's places or book a Travelodge for big messy ones.

It is actually OP's needs eclipsing everyone else's here. She is the only one that doesnt want him there.

I haven’t read the whole thread. But how many of you have actually been to university? And lived the proper social life of a uni student? I wouldn’t want my own children living with me when they were going to uni, if they were even a fraction like me.

Twice. Once as a young single person, once as 30 something with a DH and DC. I had a very different social life both times, and both times it was 'proper'.

I have an adult Step daughter. I love her but wouldn’t want her living with us! Fine if it meant she was homeless but otherwise - no.

@Wolfgirrl you wrote that response as if it was fact but it was so heavily littered with your own interpretation, and what you've got from the echo chamber of like minded posters.

She never said anything about "petty jealousy" of the time her SS and DH spend together. She said they leave her out to the point that she ends up going to bed at 8pm, which she is naturally concerned she wouldn't enjoy full time. There's absolutely nothing indicating she's "jealous" of their relationship, that's just weird nonsense MN users tell themselves to blame absolutely everything on "insecurities", when in reality she doesn't need to be insecure to not enjoy the thought of being excluded by people living in her house full time.

And the idea that he is going to be really helpful with the kids and chores is entirely theoretical, it is just as likely that he will not want to be providing childcare (something MN users are usually firmly against asking older children to do), and will be doing perfectly normal student things like bringing people over and coming back loud and drunk past the children's bedtimes. That doesn't necessarily mean he SHOULDN'T live there, but it is a perfectly valid concern that it might not mesh well with raising two small children. It is definitely a valid reason to expect a lengthy discussion about ground rules, rather than a blanket invitation with no discussion.

@aSofaNearYou

We know DSS is a respectful, nice boy.
We know he only sees his dad once every two weeks. Is it really such a hardship that they watch a couple of action films together and she gets an early night?
We know OP didn't show any concern for DSS's student experience in her first post, her primary concerns were having to share 'her' house with her husband's son.
We know London rents are very expensive and over 3 years would in all likelihood cost at least 34k.
We know DSS is old enough to babysit his siblings and make himself of general use, this can be part of his ground rules.

This is all stuff written by OP not dreamt up by me.

Was hubby unreasonable not to chat to her about it first? Yes. But OP would be a lot more unreasonable not to let him move in.

Imagine if one of OP's kids grows up and wants to go to university in an expensive city where their big brother has a spare room. Or if they want to call in any other life favour from him. I bet OP would expect him to help them.

@Wolfgirrl I was a respectful, nice girl, and I still did things that wouldn't have fitted in a family home when I was at uni. You don't have to be a "problem child" for your lifestyle to not fit with young children.

I don't think the fact that he didn't consult her is irrelevant to the AIBU question at all. In my opinion, that lack of respect, or even thought given to her feelings on the matter, makes it reasonable to not like the idea of this happening. It suggests her husband is going to be equally oblivious to these things when his son has moved in.

Watching action films together and doing things that exclude OP (and presumably the other children) is one thing when, as you say, he doesn't see his dad often, but entirely different full time. If her husband was aware that was a problem/fear for her, then he would have taken the time to reassure her things wouldn't be like that all the time if/when he moved in. So he probably hasn't noticed they tend to do that. If he thought it was important to set ground rules so that the situation works for everyone, then he would have discussed that with everyone. If he thought it was important that OP have input on those ground rules, then he would have been sure to discuss them with HER, not just his son.

As things stand, he has basically invited his son to come and live with them full time without any of those prerequisites being set. So no, I don't think OP is unreasonable to not like the idea, at all.

@aSofaNearYou

So you're saying DSS should be turned down because of hypotheticals that could easily be addressed in a family chat?

Watching action films together and doing things that exclude OP (and presumably the other children) is one thing when, as you say, he doesn't see his dad often, but entirely different full time.

He probably watches action films and has boy time with his dad because he sees him once every two week. If they lived together the novelty would probably wear off and he would absorb into the family.

I did things definitely not suitable to be brought into a family home when I was about 14. It definitely isnt limited to students. What do you suggest, boot all teenagers out in case they act like teenagers?

If OP doesnt let DSS live with them for uni, and in future one of her own kids makes the same request, she wont have a leg to stand on.

@Wolfgirrl - who made you Judge Judy?

@chocolatesaltyballs22

OP when she posted in AIBU.

So you're saying DSS should be turned down because of hypotheticals that could easily be addressed in a family chat?

Erm no? I'm quite clearly saying that family chat should have happened before any decisions or offers were made, and given that her husband didn't do that, I don't think it's unreasonable to think her step son moving in is going to lead to adverse effects for her and her children and to not want it to happen. If OPs husband had come to her and asked what her thoughts were on him moving in, and discussed with her what rules they would need to put in place for it to work, then my answer would be completely different. As things stand, it doesn't look like her husband is going to pay any attention to those things, so I would be thinking the worst and not wanting it to happen at this point, too.

I am saying either a firm conversation needs to be had in which OPs husband fully acknowledges that he was wrong to do this without first discussing it with her, and it will NOT be reflected in his conduct when his son lives there, or he needs to not move in as his dad isn't capable of making it work for the whole family. Option A is obviously preferable.

So stepson loses out because his dad was careless?

Yes her husband should have consulted her first, but the question isnt about that. The question is 'AIBU to not be happy with DSS living with us during university'.

But if she'd been consulted she would have had a chance to discuss her reservations and reached a solution that worked for everyone. With that understanding in place she might have been quite happy. But she didn't get that chance and has no idea how the DH and his DS think this is going to work, or what the DH has said to DS about any expectations.

Had the OP been consulted first, and then despite a lot of compromise on everyone's part had still turned up here saying she didn't like it, then the responses might have been more justifiable. But she was denied that opportunity.

Many posters, even those saying that the OP is BU, have also acknowledged that there should have been a discussion first. But they're going on to assume that the OP's response would still have been to say that she wouldn't be happy. We don't know, because she didn't get the chance.