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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

585 replies

Whatnowwww · 16/05/2020 15:27

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

OP posts:
SpilltheTea · 18/05/2020 18:31

Hopefully his Dad will continue to stick up for him.

Mixingitall · 18/05/2020 18:35

Will your dss not kid out on the uni experience if he lives with you. Could your dh perhaps offer that he keeps his room, is welcome to visit for a break from student life, but should live in halls to make friends and experience life as a fresher?

Mixingitall · 18/05/2020 18:35

Miss not kid

BubblesBuddy · 18/05/2020 18:36

I think the op probably thought DSS would look at a number of universities around the country and not make a decision based on where his dad lives. It’s very narrow. He could get a loan to live elsewhere. Students get quite a big whack of money if living at home in London. However he might not want this loan at all. So that’s another hurdle to be crossed.

The living at home arrangement will also save his parents money. Dad and mum might like this. However the DSS shouldn’t be forced into that if he really wants the full university experience.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 18/05/2020 18:37

When someone has a child there is an expectation that you will provide a home for them, that is not the same for your parents.

frazzledasarock · 18/05/2020 18:40

This is so sad.

The lad is lovely and your mother likes him also and you get on with him. He isn’t horrible or entitled he sounds like a lovely son who enjoys spending time with his dad.

What are you going to do if your dc get on really well with their dad and spend their time watching movies you don’t like and playing video games together without you?

I’ve got DC who are planning on going to uni, I would be reassessing my relationship if DP said they’d couldn’t continue living with us.

You could end up destroying your relationship with your DSS & your husband here.

aSofaNearYou · 18/05/2020 18:41

In my opinion whether or not you invite children to carry on living with you after 18 is a discussion to be had regardless of the family set up. It's not a given.

As for step parenting, if my partner wanted to make a change to the established routine then I would expect it to be a discussion. That discussion would certainly involve wanting to enjoy my time so an expectation that they would not be doing things that exclude me every night. That is not a reasonable set up in which to expect to be able to unilaterally change the arrangement.

Wolfgirrl · 18/05/2020 18:46

I'm still waiting to see posters turn up on threads telling women who are upset that their feckless ex has put his new partner first that they should get over it because maybe ex's new partner doesn't like ex spending too much time with his children.

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

This a thousand times over.

As for the 'over 18' thing, he hasn't asked to move in as he is a feckless layabout who has been kicked out of his mum's place because he refuses to get a job. I could understand that, I dont think it is a parent's duty to put their adult child up in all scenarios.

But over 3 years this would save DSS at least £36,000 in rent loans. A huge sum of money. He will still have the 'student experience', nights out, holidays with friends, he can crash their places or book a Travelodge if it's going to be a really big one. It's not like he will be kept under lock and key.

BubblesBuddy · 18/05/2020 18:48

You don’t issue an invitation to your children! The child going to university has an opinion too! Going away to university does cost money. It’s also something of a growing up process. The DSS might even want this but is trying to save his parents their contribution to his living expenses. We don’t know if this is the case but it should be discussed. All of this needs to be out in the open with both parents and the step mum.

aSofaNearYou · 18/05/2020 19:52

I'm still waiting for posters to show up on threads telling women who are upset their feckless ex has put his new partner first that they should get over it

To be fair, many of us do comment on such threads that if what she actually means is he has put his partner equally and she has a problem with that, then she is being unreasonable. Which is usually the case. She is not just his "new partner", she is his wife and the mother of his other children, he has a duty to prioritise her as much as anybody else in such a partnership does. As in, he owes her the respect of discussing all major life decisions with her and coming to a compromise they are both happy with.

Sodamncold · 18/05/2020 19:56

* Children in 'together' families seem to manage OK without the choice of several homes.*
The lack of insight and intelligence in this post is astounding.

Coffeepot72 · 18/05/2020 21:06

@Sodamncold having grown up in a step family and having been a step parent, I think I have plenty of insight

Sodamncold · 18/05/2020 21:17

That post indicates otherwise

Genevieva · 18/05/2020 21:21

He would be missing out on a massive part of the university experience. For at least his first year he should live in student halls.

lovepickledlimes · 18/05/2020 21:43

@Genevieva not everyone enjoys the 'university experience' parties, late nights out would have been my defenition of a nightmare so was very happy to just live at home during uni

Genevieva · 18/05/2020 21:48

You don't have to be into late nights and drinking too much. But by living in, you make friends and find your niche. Otherwise you only see people at lectures and it is tough to fit in.

lovepickledlimes · 18/05/2020 21:55

@Genevieva but some people might be perfectly happy at home etc especially if shy and introverted the thought of making friends can freak people out etc

Genevieva · 18/05/2020 22:00

There is no indication that this is the case here. The OP has suggested otherwise - that she doesn't want to juggle bringing up a young family with a step son coming home late and bringing girlfriends / mates back. Plus, sometimes we have to give our kids tough love. Unless there is a particularly strong reason why it would not be right, then it is reasonable for parents to say "We think it is in your best interest. You can't live at here forever and university accommodation is a great way to experience a half way house between home and being independent and grown up."

lovepickledlimes · 18/05/2020 22:23

@Genevieva but there has been no indication of late nights or brining home girlfriends etc. I am sure as long as some reasonable ground rules are set and he sticks to them this will even be a good opportunity to form a closer sibling relationship with his younger siblings

CJsGoldfish · 18/05/2020 23:19

Thank-you so much to all the ladies who have stood up for me, it has meant a great deal to me and given me with much comfort and resolve

I'm glad you are comforted by the 18% who are probably just as awful as you. At least now you can ignore the 82% who know just who you are.

Wolfgirrl · 18/05/2020 23:24

@Genevieva so you're suggesting cutting him off before even trying it? Sure if he comes back drunk all the time and leaves pizza boxes everywhere then kick him kut, but to not even give him a chance first?

frazzledasarock · 18/05/2020 23:26

I lived at home whilst at uni, I made lifelong friends and really loved university.

Not everyone needs to live in halls to benefit from university. There’s a lot to be said for saving yourself from years of repaying a massive student loan.

The DSS doesn’t sound like he’s partying and bringing friends home either OP hasn’t complained about anything to do with the boys behaviour. She’s jealous of her DH & DSS’s close relationship. She’s said so.

blubberyboo · 18/05/2020 23:31

What a shame your children’s brother is not welcome in your home. He hangs out a lot with his dad probably because they don’t see each other often. If he’s there all the time I’m sure he’ll be busy with other things.
His dad has a responsibility to provide a home for him the same as his mum , that’s a responsibility you took on and should have been prepared for when you married him. After all anything could have happened to his mum meaning he could have been with you for years.

aSofaNearYou · 18/05/2020 23:48

I'm glad you are comforted by the 18% who are probably just as awful as you. At least now you can ignore the 82% that know just who you are.

The irony of someone posting something as dramatic and unpleasant as this, in response to someone wanting to be consulted on major decisions regarding her family home, and genuinely thinking they were one of the nice ones.

Why is there this expectation that if someone posts in AIBU, they are obliged to immediately bow down and totally change their opinion based on what people say? It's just an opinion poll, she's not obligated to respond individually to each negative comment. She's obviously read them. It seems to enrage people when their scathing comment doesn't immediately prompt the OP to completely change their world view.

lovepickledlimes · 19/05/2020 00:26

@aSofaNearYou had OP's main concern been that she was not included in the decision that would be understandable. Going 'wawawa my husband has a close relationship to his son and I feel left out so I don't want him to live in MY house etc' is being very unreasonable. Yes she should have been asked but there is simple solutions to all her issues at a uni student life not fitting in with the current household such as putting down basic rules before categorically saying no