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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

585 replies

Whatnowwww · 16/05/2020 15:27

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

OP posts:

BelievinForAMiracle · 18/05/2020 16:02

I hear you and do not think you are being unreasonable at all!! I can’t believe peoples responses. What I hear is that you love him and in small doses that is wonderful but you are pregnant, have a young child and need some space and quality time with your husband. This is all normal and I would feel the same. Please don’t let people saying that you are selfish get you down. He may well end up living with you for a while and so if I were you I would have a good honest talk with your husband now and express your reservations so that he can try to be sensitive to your feelings. He needs to put you first whilst also trying to do what’s best for his son. You are his wife therefore his number one priority - or should be. Especially as his son is now an adult.

Alsohuman · 18/05/2020 16:08

I would hate them seeing me all the time or at least a lot of the time, having to make conversation, etc,

You’ve never lived with an 18 year old boy, have you? Getting a conversation out of most of them is like pulling teeth and they escape to their room at every opportunity.

NatalieLollipop · 18/05/2020 16:11

I think the difficult part of this is that OP and her DH had not talked about this first. Yes she married someone with a child but that child was living with his mother. Any changes in living arrangements should be discussed between partners first. It's absolutely understandable to have apprehension about occasional feelings of being excluded becoming full time feelings of being excluded.

Wolfgirrl · 18/05/2020 16:14

@BelievinForAMiracle wtf, space and quality time? OP has had her husband to herself for at least 5 years, it's DSS that needs time with him if anyone does. Bering pregnant is no excuse, this is her kids' brother and he was there long before she was.

Peggysgettingcrazy · 18/05/2020 16:15

Whats the discussion?

She says no and he says yes?

Op doesnt appear to even want to discuss how it would work. As she says, she views it as her house. Not their shared house.

That says alot. Imagine a poster saying her husband is angry she wants to help her child out, who hasn't ever lived with them full time and talked about how that house was his, not their house?

Feedingthebirds1 · 18/05/2020 16:32

Imagine a poster saying her husband is angry she wants to help her child out, who hasn't ever lived with them full time and talked about how that house was his, not their house?

If that imaginary poster had told her DC that they could move in for three years just because it was more convenient, without saying anything to her DH beforehand, without coming to any agreement on boundaries first and with the implication that it was therefore 'whether you like it or not, I don't consider that you have any say in the matter', then I would feel the same about her as I do about the situation the OP's DH has put her in.

If the DC needed somewhere to go to escape domestic abuse (or something similarly urgent) I would see that differently, but that is not the case here.

MummytoCSJH · 18/05/2020 16:32

Havent RTFT so sorry if this has already been said but no idea why so many people are saying pay his rent then, DSS's rent would not be coming out of the household budget if he lived elsewhere as he'll get a loan. He'll get far less if he lives at home to account for him not paying rent and this may actually change his mind. I don't know anyone who would have wanted to live at home with parents whilst at uni and even if he does for first year I doubt he'll continue because with babies in the house he won't be able to come in at 3am after a night out for example (before anyone says he might not like them etc, even the most level headed and sensible students go on a few nights out)

aSofaNearYou · 18/05/2020 16:34

Imagine a poster saying her husband is angry she wants to help her child out, who hasn't ever lived with them full time and talked about how that house was his, not their house?

I would say exactly the same thing if the genders were reversed. Changes to an established routine in any household, including a blended family, need to be discussed by both adults in the partnership. He is the one currently acting like the house is just his, because he didn't think to talk to her about it.

I don't see anything wrong with acknowledging this is her childhood home, he has recently moved into it and it does make it especially cheeky for him to do this without talking to her about it, compared to a scenario where she had moved into his family home.

Coffeepot72 · 18/05/2020 16:36

Just out of interest: if the OP had invited her mother to move in, and hadn't discussed it with her DH, I think the responses may have been different …….

Anything step child/step adult related has no bearing on reality.

Original poster

Whatnowwww · 18/05/2020 16:37

Thank-you so much to all the ladies who have stood up for me, it has meant a great deal to me and given me with much comfort and resolve.

OP posts:

CHIRIBAYA · 18/05/2020 16:59

He loves you and respects you but this is not enough? You have been honest about where the real issue lies and I'm sure you are perfectly capable of addressing this rather than leaving him feeling expendable and unwanted. I would hope and pray that if I ever separated from my husband any new woman would not treat my children like this.

Wolfgirrl · 18/05/2020 17:08

Thank-you so much to all the ladies who have stood up for me, it has meant a great deal to me and given me with much comfort and resolve.

So glad, just ignore the other 82%, it's not like you started a thread in AIBU or anything

LolaSmiles · 18/05/2020 17:10

It's one of those threads where the only views that will be acknowledged are those who agree with the OP.

Sodamncold · 18/05/2020 17:14

@Coffeepot72

** Coffeepot72

Just out of interest: if the OP had invited her mother to move in, and hadn't discussed it with her DH, I think the responses may have been different …….**

Is that really so surprising? You marry someone with children and the children are part of the package. Period.

In laws? Nope.

HarrietM87 · 18/05/2020 17:17

It’s next September so a long time away. You won’t be pregnant. Your older child will be at school. You might be a bit less hormonal/emotional and we (hopefully!) won’t be on lockdown so it will be a totally different situation from right now. And tbh it doesn’t sound like you don’t like him/there’s anything wrong with his behaviour, it’s just that you’re jealous of his relationship with your DH.

FWIW I think your DH should definitely have consulted you. But I also think you would be harsh to refuse given that London rents are so expensive. It doesn’t have to be for all 3 years - give it a year. Either he’s not around much (likely) and you cope or the arrangement doesn’t work for you and you can explain that with reasons.

Coffeepot72 · 18/05/2020 17:43

@Sodamncold ah, so children are part of the package when you marry someone, but parents aren't ……… interesting. People have suggested you should be aware that a step child could always end up living with you, but what about elderly parents?

Sodamncold · 18/05/2020 17:45

* People have suggested you should be aware that a step child could always end up living with you, but what about elderly parents?*

Well yes. Aware that it’s a possibility of course. Not a foregone though. With one’s children - then yes.

Coffeepot72 · 18/05/2020 17:52

I wouldn't think it was ever a foregone conclusion that a step child would come to live with you full time (notwithstanding their mother getting run over by a bus). Children in 'together' families seem to manage OK without the choice of several homes.

Alsohuman · 18/05/2020 17:54

We discussed what would happen with my elderly parents right at the beginning. It was one of the tests he had to pass. I know he did with his children, who are a lot younger than mine. If I wasn’t prepared to live with them, we wouldn’t have got married. Sadly, the only one who did moved in because he had mental health issues.

Wolfgirrl · 18/05/2020 18:11

@Coffeepot72 yes because the children in 'together' families have both parents under one roof.

And as for the getting run over by a bus, how ridiculous. There are thousands of scenarios where a stepchildren may have to come to live with you full time.

Can you honestly see OP's child being booted out at 18 when staying home for another few years would save them 35k of debt? Can you?

WildfirePonie · 18/05/2020 18:13

YANBU OP, I wouldn't like this either.

I think you should discuss it with your DH, tell him your concerns. Did he discuss it with you at all? Why does he get to call the shots if not? Hopefully he will want the uni experience and won't want to stay!

Coffeepot72 · 18/05/2020 18:16

But we're not talking about a child being "booted out at 18" because he was never there in the first place - we're talking about him joining the household, which is something different.

Wolfgirrl · 18/05/2020 18:17

@CoffeeRunner but why shouldn't he? Does he not have as much right to be there as OP's children under similar circumstances? And you didnt answer my question.

Coffeepot72 · 18/05/2020 18:21

There's no reason why he shouldn't be there - just so long as everyone is in agreement ......... and this is why the two sides on this argument will never agree!

LolaSmiles · 18/05/2020 18:30

But we're not talking about a child being "booted out at 18" because he was never there in the first place - we're talking about him joining the household, which is something different
No, we're talking about a teenager who is potentially being told he can't live with his dad because his dad's wife doesn't like the fact her husband and his son have common interests and enjoy watching action films.
Basically, the husband should tell his son he is only welcome as an occasional guest because his wife feels insecure.

I'm still waiting to see posters turn up on threads telling women who are upset that their feckless ex has put his new partner first that they should get over it because maybe ex's new partner doesn't like ex spending too much time with his children.

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