To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

[Whatnowwww]

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

What would happen if you were to set really reasonable (given that it’s a family home with young kids) but onerous (to a new student!) rules?

So for example - need to be in and quiet by 11, no girlfriends brought home to spend the night, any friends visiting must leave by 10pm, whatever you decide about meals, no raiding the fridge, taking part in the cooking/cleaning/washing etc

Would your dh agree and back you up with these? Might be a way to dissuade dad from moving in properly rather than visiting nicely!

Even just comments about how fab it will be to have a babysitter always on hand or an extra person to add into the chores rotas etc might be enough to make him reconsider!

I think the DSS could be the most considerate student in the world and OP would still find an excuse for why he cant live with them.

As for the 'tiny ones' DSS is their brother. This could be valuable bonding time for them to get to know him properly rather than just seeing him every few weeks. I know it is inconvenient but he is their flesh and blood, if you treat their brother with resentment they won't thank you for it when they're older.

He is your Husband's Son. He should be welcomed . If it wasn't University, there could be another reason for him to stay with you. We are in the middle of a horrendous virus and maybe you should think outside yourself . Some people haven't got the blessing of their families with them.

I can guarentee that if this were your son and your OH's step-son your view on the situation would be totally different!

Wow some of these comments are vile, people have such an issue with step parents on here
Only the shit ones

I wager that the majority of people objecting to the OP are bio mums whose kids currently have (or are at risk of having in the future) a stepmother
'bio mum'? I think we can use the term mum or mother, no need to antagonise.
My children do have a step mother. She is awesome and they love her. I wish every child with a step mother had one as lovely but it is very clear on here that that is definitely not the case.

I actually on your side I can’t think of anything worse ! Dear god ! Having had 3 Dc go through uni on our fourth I wouldn’t wish them living in someone’s home whilst being there on anyone . Uni life is not conducive to normal home life the whole idea is they go off and experience uni life !!

I initially thought the OP was being awful - the tone of the first message was very much excluding the DSS but OP has come back a few times and it makes a bit more sense.

I do think that DH should have discussed it first but this should have been a courtesy as of course parents should help their children.

I don’t know your DSS but I’m presuming he will have considered the impact of not living in student digs and knows this will be a different arrangement. He might even be looking forward to spending more time with the little ones.

The cost of fees etc these days is so exorbitant that you would be doing him a real favour in terms of renting financially. He might move out after a while but he might not, when I was younger some friends decided to have the live at home experience over halls and it worked for them.

I think you should have a conversation with DH, agree the rules and then sit down with DSS to discuss them. This might really put your mind at rest as you will hear it from DSS and if he hasn’t thought it through properly, some pennies will drop.

I do sort of understand about the nervousness of having anyone move in when you have tiny children, I wouldn’t have even wanted my mum or anyone staying when my daughter was under 2 as it would have just made everything feel more intense but then I have a tiny house!

Good luck!

Even if he were your son you would imagine that such a radical change in everyone's living arrangements would have included you in the discussion. He is an adult at 18. I agree with mbosnz. He didn't live with you before. It's not right that now you are now conveniently located for a London University yours is the home of choice. You could put it very diplomatically. He would hardly want a crying baby/ younger kiddies around when he is in transitional years to independent adult life etc...

How hands on with the little ones will DH be if he is buddying up with DS on xbox or action movies in the evenings.

My children do have a step mother. She is awesome and they love her
I wish every child with a step mother had one as lovely but it is very clear on here that that is definitely not the case.

It’s very clear on here that many stepmothers are awesome but their world doesn’t revolve around their stepchildren.

Again my last child that’s at uni didn’t go straight away was coming in to the house at 5am in the morning total princess complex . I have raised 3 other children before her. One of which went to a London uni. Since being at uni for 1st(albeit shortened year) she has grown immensely . She shops for groceries budgets gets herself to places ,this later is a minor miracle in itself . I’m not saying they don’t have parties and there’s not a puke chart and another up on the wall of the kitchen of the halls but mostly it’s about letting them become an adult

“My children do have a step mother. She is awesome and they love her
I wish every child with a step mother had one as lovely but it is very clear on here that that is definitely not the case.”

How exactly is that clear? Because OP has reservations about an 18 year old lad about to start Uni moving into her home when she is soon to give birth to her second baby? That makes her a shit step mum does it?

Of course you have to welcome your SS into the home you share with his father. It doesn't matter that it was your childhood home - if your husband lives there with you it's his home too, and by extension your SS's as well. Please do not make either of them feel otherwise.

At one point I had three stepchildren, the partner of one of them, plus DH and our three DC in the house. I know how tricky it can be to find the right balance for everyone's sanity, but if you put the effort in it can be done. All my stepchildren stayed until age 26-27, because it's impossible to afford London rents unless you are half of a couple. So brace yourself for that and set some procedures in place for it.

I would start by talking to your husband about feeling left out of family relaxation time after dinner because he and his son watch things you don't like. Some sort of rota is needed here, where you take turns choosing what to watch, or what game to play, or in some other way find things the three of you can do. Something like:

Monday: you choose video for all
Tuesday: family games night (video games ok as long as they are suitable for you)
Wednesday: husband chooses video for all
Thursday: online pub quiz for all
Friday: You and DH watch something together while SS "babysits" your younger one, watching something with them upstairs, reading them stories and putting them to bed.
Saturday: boys night in the sitting room, you watch Disney movie with your little one on another screen
Sunday: SS chooses video for all

If I can give you some advice from long experience, it would be to focus on the enormous benefits of having your SS living with you. 1) Your DH no longer has to choose where to spend time and gets to have a normal family life with his son, which I'm sure is something he really treasures. 18 is a wonderful age to have a father on hand every day. 2) You get to develop your own relationship with your SS, not as an auxiliary to his father. If he is a good boy, as you say, and you get it working well, this will be a rich new relationship for you. 3) Your 4YO will get to have a real sibling relationship with their older brother, who probably didn't know them that well until he moved in.

My younger kids bonded much more strongly with the older ones when the older ones lived with us. Babysitting them, playing video games with them, helping them with piano practice, homework or computer problems, hearing the dinner table talk, etc. brought them close in a way they never were before and that was the biggest gift of all. The best way to foster that bond is to get the SS to help with the little one - to do some homeschooling with them, take them to the park to kick a ball, or babysit while you and DH go out for a long walk, so they have that sense of nurturing and responsibility. And that's really only going to happen if he lives with you.

So I say embrace it and make the most of it. And don't let them exclude you - speak directly (but not accusingly) to your husband about feeling left out.

YANBU, this should have been discussed and agreed long ago. Having a uni student and a 4 yr old living together is not an easy combination. I also cannot imagine why he would want to live at home. Most uni students party and drink a lot and keep very different hours to a family and young child, this could lead to conflict. I would discuss this asap.

I do know that my DSis has found her DSS a great help with her younger DC. My DDs still speak about him several years after they had sleepovers there with him in the house. (They worry quite a bit about him being in the army.)

You should definitely ha e been a part of the conversation of your husband inviting his adult son to live in your home full time for three years.

I understand the way you’re feeling, but you know you’re being unreasonable. You're coming across as possessive about your house and husband and you know that’s not right. However, your DH should have discussed your DSS staying with you over the Uni years with you first. That was rude.

I think the OP is getting an unfair pasting.

Her DH didn't like her mum, but is happy to live in her mortgage and rent free house and to unilaterally tell his son that he can do the same. I note from the OP that the DSS is also living there rather than at his mum's during lockdown - I'm curious as to how that came about, and if there was any consultation there or if that too was presented to the OP as a fait accompli?

The comment about the house being hers not ours might just be that at the time she posted, when she had only that same day found out that DSS had been told he was welcome to stay had made her feel more that way than she normally would? Or maybe the DH is disparaging about the house and says so.

A lot of posters are saying that it won't be for three years, that he'll want to move out to live with friends and have a social life. How does anyone know? DSS himself doesn't know yet, it hasn't happened. he might equally well be there for the full three years.

Others are saying it'll be good for the OP to have a babysitter occasionally. Lovely though he might be, he may not want to be committed to doing that when he'd rather be out with his new uni mates.

It's clear from the OP's updates that there is more going on than her first post suggested. She posted about the aspect of the situation that was bothering her right there and then, which is fine. She doesn't have to set out her life story from the beginning.

But whatever else is going on, the bottom line is the same - that her DH should have had a discussion with her before he said anything to his DS.

He should have talked with you first.

One of the problems DSS will fund is that he might not be out with his mates very much if he cannot rock up home really late! It’s just not the same when students live at home and this isn’t even is home. Talk about it fairly soon before it just happens.

Yes you should have been asked but yabu he’s part of the package deal with it.

"I think the OP is getting an unfair pasting."

If a man came on here complaining that his wife's child was living in HIS, not THEIR home, people on here would be baying for blood.

And before someone trots out the "18 years old is NOT a child", shut up,

These threads that start off with the op being unfair and being rightly told as much , always end up with the op throwing in things further down the thread to make them sound better and give them an excuse for being unfair .
Not saying these things are made up at all but...

If a man came on here complaining that his wife's child was living in HIS, not THEIR home, people on here would be baying for blood.

But isn't the point that by telling his DS that he can live there while he studies at uni, without having the courtesy to even mention it to his wife first let alone discuss it, he is treating it like it's HIS house not THEIRS.

I wouldn't like the idea of another adult in my house, no matter how much I liked him/her, if I had two very small children, one a baby. I would hate them seeing me all the time or at least a lot of the time, having to make conversation, etc, so I do understand how the op feels. Having said all that, I would never have got involved with someone who had dependent children which this poor lad still is, albeit a 'young adult'. He will only be just leaving school and needs some security from parents - one or both.

If the house can be organised so the boy has some independence, that would help tremendously. However we are all jumping the gun, it is well over a year before he goes off to uni and the situation may have changed by then.