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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

585 replies

Whatnowwww · 16/05/2020 15:27

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 17/05/2020 19:13

@Whatnowwww

Why are you asking on mumsnet instead of discussing this with your husband, with whom you’re about to have two children?
Seems to me that discussing with DH would be the more rational and mature of the two options, even though you are pregnant.
My mum once said to me, “When you marry a man, you marry his family.”

FirTree31 · 17/05/2020 19:15

Has OP disappeared?

FelicisNox · 17/05/2020 19:23

There are a lot of issues here but the main one is your insecurity and that needs addressing ASAP.

YANBU for the simple fact that you have very salient reasons for not being happy about this and it is not ok that your DH agreed to this without even discussing it.

I'm also guessing your DH doesn't know how you feel or he WOULD have discussed it with you 1st? In which case YABU because you've not made your needs clear to your DH: he's not a mind reader.

There's no right or wrong here and as someone who has raised 3 DSD I can fully understand your concerns BUT he was DSS dad long before he was your husband and they are clearly looking forward to being a family unit again and in their head that includes you and siblings: your house or not you cannot get in the middle of that or you will absolutely be the bad guy.

Discuss your fears with DH so you won't be left out but if you are seriously considering saying no to this your DH and DSS will never forgive you.

It's 3 years that will go REALLY quickly and DSS may even move out to be with friends so be very careful how you proceed.

glennamy · 17/05/2020 19:28

Imagine EVERY female reaction if a fella wrote this about a woman stepchild:

Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s money...

You are being unreasonable, selfish, greedy & controlling!

aSofaNearYou · 17/05/2020 19:37

Gosh you get an awful lot of Helen Lovejoy's shrieking "won't somebody please think of the children" when someone dares to post a step parenting issue outside of the step parenting board. These are issues which anyone with an ounce of experience of step parenting knows are perfectly normal. When you get into a relationship with somebody and move into their home, yes you will have to consult them before moving someone else in permanently. Of course you do. That discussion would need to happen anyway even if you jointly owned, out of basic courtesy for the other person living in the house.

MollyMinniesMum · 17/05/2020 19:39

I think your DH should have discussed it with you first, the conversation about him staying with you shouldn’t have come as a surprise. All those saying that being with someone who has kids means you must be prepared for them to live with you has surely not been in that position!

Zombiemum1946 · 17/05/2020 20:04

You'll most likely find that he'll quickly just be home for food and sleep. It maybe your childhood home but it's now your family's home.If you can't accept that it's equally dh and kids home, then it's time to move and create a home together. Remember dss is a close blood relative to your children. If you truly love him, be proud of him and what he's achieved, and enjoy being a part of him succeeding. Apart from anything else your children get to have their older brother around and develope a relationship with him. You need to get the jealousy under control . It maybe 18 but in many ways he's still a child who trusts you to be there for him.

BeltaneBride · 17/05/2020 20:10

Sorry, YABU.
I live in a blended family and it hurts that it can never just be 'us' but that is what you sign up for when you marry someone with DC.

threatmatrix · 17/05/2020 20:19

Maybe you should have been with someone with no children. He is his father and is doing the right thing. It’s not his fault you are jealous of their relationship

billy1966 · 17/05/2020 20:20

@FizzyGreenWater
Good post.
Reasonable and realistic. 👍👏👏

Partners in the real world, whom respect each other, have conversations with each other before they offer up fulltime accommodation to family whom don't live there fulltime.

It is basic courtesy and respect....the hallmarks of a good relationship.

And yea....it is the OP's family home....for possibly 30+ years...so yea....she can definitely be a bit put out about not being even afforded the courtesy of a conversation.

HatRack · 17/05/2020 20:32

I wager that the majority of people objecting to the OP are bio mums whose kids currently have (or are at risk of having in the future) a stepmother.

HatRack · 17/05/2020 20:35

Suppose your husband won't mind if you move your brother in, or your mother. Without consulting him of course.

Gohardorgohome · 17/05/2020 20:40

I think he should have asked you before he extended the offer to his son to give you change to air any concerns. But I do think you would be very unreasonable to refuse having discussed it first. I should imagine finding accommodation in London as a student is cripplingly expensive

LovelyIssues · 17/05/2020 20:44

Yabu and sound very jealous

BilboBercow · 17/05/2020 21:13

OP I respect you coming back after getting a pasting. I do think you really need to examine your feelings about your home and how it's "yours not ours". Will your husband never be able to consider it his too?

Mittens030869 · 17/05/2020 21:44

@HatRack

I wager that the majority of people objecting to the OP are bio mums whose kids currently have (or are at risk of having in the future) a stepmother.

Not at all. My DH and I are happily married with 2 adopted DDs of 11 and 8. Although that does show that I don't set a lot of store by bio relationships. (Though I'm probably influenced by the abuse I suffered at the hands of my bio F.)

But I'm more influenced in a positive way here, in that my DSis is a stepmum, and her DSS is as important to her as her own DC (she has 3, 2 bio and 1 adopted), and it would never occur to her to object to her DSS and his family staying with them if they ever needed to.

Original poster
Whatnowwww · 17/05/2020 21:56

I inherited the house when DM died and DH really didn’t like her, that’s why I see it as more my childhood memory store rather than ‘our’ home. DSS was always lovely to DM and DM lovely to him, which is partly why I feel very guilty over my feelings. I suppose I’m still grieving and I need predictability and safety and not be privy to edgy student lifestyle. Plus I have the tiny ones to think of, I’m just worried about everyone’s toes being stepped on. But as has been wisely written, communication and open feelings is key.

OP posts:
Forgottenwhatsleepis · 17/05/2020 21:56

I voted YABU, not because I think you actually are, but because you may only be feeling like this because of being PG, and quite likely exhausted due to home schooling/ taking care of your DC all day, probably without much of a break (no disrespect intended towards you or your husband) as normal your child would either be at nursery or primary school. I think, if you do gracefully invite your DSS to stay/live with you, some ground rules need to be put in place first, eg if they go out to a pub, club etc, to not wake the children, as one will be at school, the other a baby. If he respected you as much as he says he does, that won't be a problem surely?
Also, try to find some common ground with him, and start your own conversation with him

EngagedAgain · 17/05/2020 22:22

Nrtft yet. As your house is large so at least you won't be on top of one another. If he's going to uni he you probably won't have to be managing him and his problems, he's likely to be quite sensible. Looking at the bigger picture, you will reap the rewards in the long term. Three years isn't that long, and if he don't before, he will likely leave after finishing uni. You will have helped set him up on the right path. Hope it all works out.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/05/2020 22:29

Why didn't your DH like your mum, OP? Sounds like her being lovely to his son didn't count for much - was there a reason for his dislike?

I ask as I can't help noticing that even the tiny snippets you've posted about him - none of them make him sound particularly nice.

Doesn't think it's necessary to discuss the idea of his adult son moving in for three year before telling him.

Is fine with excluding you from everyday social stuff when his son is there, not just understandable excitement and catching up, but basically 'for days' while he gets in to boysie mode and it's action films all round... you get to look after the kids then go to bed early I suppose.

Patronises you when you raise concerns, nice touch of gaslighting 'it's your confidence issue' - err no I expect to be the one deciding along with you who lives in our house.

Didn't like your mum.

?

bringincrazyback · 17/05/2020 22:37

Why does everyone care so much about this thread when the OP hasn't even responded once??? (as far as I can see)

I think it's fair to say that quite a lot of responders in this thread are living in Projection City.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 17/05/2020 23:10

It’s lovely that DH and his son enjoy each other so much - he will bond with his half-siblings and you’ll have a babysitter! You can go out!
Did your DF die and leave the house to you? If so then legally the house is both of yours, enjoy your big family, the relationships all sound lovely, don’t sour it.

BubblesBuddy · 18/05/2020 00:01

??? She has responded. See above.

I don’t think a student living in a family home will have an edgy student life! As if. He will be considered a bit boring I’m afraid. He won’t be in a hall of residence having fun. He won’t bring friends home to meet you and your family. Just won’t happen! He will, actually, miss out. He might come in late though so if this happens you will have to agree house rules.

It could be he gets into Oxbridge - problem solved!!

Wheresthebiffer2 · 18/05/2020 00:05

Who says it will be for 3yrs. He might prefer to move into student accom with some of his new Uni pals.

BubblesBuddy · 18/05/2020 00:12

Unless he likes having his wings clipped of course and is a nose to the grindstone type!