To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

[Whatnowwww]

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

Fair play for coming back op

"A noise and visitor curfew: fine. But it isn’t reasonable to tell an adult child what time they can come home"

This with bells on. You have every right to expect not to be disturbed by him but to police his movements is just controlling. Of course expect him to be quiet and not disturb you but beyond that what time he gets home does not affect you at all.

Obviously if there are repeat occurrences of him disturbing you or the children then you can look at setting a curfew because he is negatively affecting others in the house but don't just try to control and police him from the start.

I think In the end you'll find 90% of the time he will just crash at his friends places anyway. As a student I would often sleep on the floor/sofa of whoever's house/halls we got the taxi back to even though in some cases my hall/house was on the next street over, literally 5 minutes away, it's just what students do.

Similarly with meals, work with him on how you are going to split them. If he wants to be solely responsible for feeding himself let him crack on with it but set the rule that you always expect the kitchen to be clean, tidy, hygienic and ready for you to use, no leaving Washing up for days or things rotting/out of date in the fridge.

WRT girlfriends staying the night you have to set your own rules for this. You are absolutely right to not want a string of ONS's or casual partners in and out of your house but set some expectation of how long a relationship has to be/how many times you want to have met the partner before they are allowed to stay the night. However don't try and stop him staying the night at his partners place or going back to their places for ONS's, again this is no way affects you and would just be controlling him and his movements.

Again with the music and late nights make it clear that these are not allowed to infringe on or affect you. He can stay up as late as he wants as long as he isn't making noise/crashing around or disturbing anyone else. Make it clear that any music should not be able to be heard outside of his room, he can use headphones or play it quietly.

There are solutions to every problem you've stated they just take discussion and clear expectation from the start. If he is a good kid as you've said he will understand these and it sounds like he already is respectful. If expectations aren't being met you can have discussions and then start to impose stricter rules that may or may not encourage him to move out but don't be controlling for the sake of it.

The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

I'm not going to attack you and I understand it's a big change and probably frustrating that you didnt get a say.

As you stated above, I wouldnt worry about this occurring for 3 years. The dynamic between son and father will change a lot if hes with you full time, as you have to remember that currently they make the most of the time they have together, and it's a novelty. If he moves in full time then after the first few weeks/month the novelty will ware off and although I have no doubt they will continue being close, it will likely be more family involved rather then making the most of the time they have as father and son.

But if this is a possibility I would sit with your partner and talk about real expectations and ground rules, not just for his son but for everyone. I would explain without attacking his son that you often feel left out when his son is around and could you all plan films and things you can do together as a family unit some evenings. I would also between you and your partner be realistic on what the son moving in will entail and what he may have to be considerate about. Eg with a young child and a new born he would only be able to come in hammered once a month/fortnight and on weekends for example (so your being fair to his needs) as it's possible he may accidentally wake the children up and it's unfair on them to be disturbed by drunken people, and if either/both of you work in the week (and being fair to the children and yourselves).
Also he should be aware that living in a house with young children that they will likely cry at night and he will have to accept it but also be quiet at night. You need to decide as a couple how you feel about him bringing potential partners home to stay the night. If hes not home to eat as a family does he cook his own food or is some left for him, what house work will he be required to do? Will he pay any keep? (If your partner is horrified by keep, it can be literally 20 a week/fortnight but it helps him to learn budgeting, and you could always save it if he needs money for emergenies). Likewise will he buy his own toiletries/contribute to food/laundry costs.

It's all things you need to sit down with your partner and agree on, and then sit down and discuss with your DSS as honestly it will be much easier if you are all on the same page from the very very beginning and so he dosent plan moving in for uni but then dosent like the rules or expectations (for example a friend went to uni while living with parents, parents had a BIG rule that although they accepted they were a adult and could chose to have sex, they were uncomfortable with it occurring at their home, but made this very very clear from day one, and had no issue with their son staying at his girlfriends house having all the sex they wanted! Or if he wants to go to all the student nights in town with friends which are often midweek, but that might cause him to come home louder then intended, which with young children and working adults would probably not work, specially mid week).

@Whatnowwww if you dont want be telling your DSS off then I really would talk with your partner about reasonable expectations - while accepting hes a student, things may occasionally go wrong, and how you will deal with these things -
And then sit down together with your DSS and explain what the house rules and expectations would be. Allow him to bring forward some compromises and if need be listen, then talk just you and your partner about anything he brings up, dosent feel is fair, etc and then you can meet again as a family to discuss further.

Communication really is key, and will be important in making sure that this is able to occur without lasting issues and tension. So start now by discussing and communicating clearly.

You say you don't want to police the actions of an 18 year old? Well get used to it...your now 4 year old will eventually reach 18...what will you do then? And how selfish of you. He may not be your biological child, but he IS your husband's.

Ultimately the decent thing to do would be to allow him to stay provided he respects your rules and behaves responsibly, but you should have been consulted. It's especially cheeky since you own the house.

@LittleFoxKit

Great post.

I also bet this is what the OP will do.

Some very harsh posts here.

Not many IRL wouldn't be upset at not being consulted, as a basic courtesy.

Your stepson sounds like a nice your man OP, a nice guy like that could be a wonderful babysitter on site, for the odd night out.

A win win for all.

YABU but he should have talked it through with you first. I think it’s sad that you say the house is not ‘ours’.

I don’t want to put limits on DSS’s freedom and I’m worried about ruining our relationship. DH says this is a confidence issue on my part but DSS has always been so good I’ve never told him off in my life. I don’t want to start now!

You’re going to have to start. There are behaviours you won’t tolerate and you need to communicate that to him if necessary.

Being a stepmum isn’t about just being nice. You’re allowed a voice about what goes on in your home.

Your husband says it's a confidence issue on your part?

Wow, he's really quite patronising isn't he.

Guess it's all of a piece with not even thinking it's reasonable to give you the basic courtesy of discussing this with you before your stepson.

fizzy
OP's husband is right. It is a confidence issue.

The OP says that she is possessive of her house because she inherited it, that she doesn't like them watching action movies when she goes to bed at 8pm and her husband and his child have more in common with each other than her and DH.

I'd be pissed off if someone had an issue with me doing something with a teenage child mid evening and felt I couldn't live with my child because they felt threatened by the common interests I have with my child.

Wow your the stepmother of all stepmother s. Diddums you get left out. Grow up. And a 18 yr old dosnt need policing. Hes a adult. Get some sass in your life and stop moaning about your fellas own son staying with you. Try wine and friends.

I think it’s sad that you say the house is not ‘ours’.

It's her childhood home though - I can imagine it would get my back up too if my husband started treating it as his not even 'ours' - ie, you discuss with other adults in the home any major changes you want to suggest. Presumably it is a large home that he would never have been able to afford himself, and thus even offer his son somewhere to live whilst at university.

This is TOTALLY different to e.g. OP and her H needing to suddenly look after a younger child full time. I imagine that OP wouldn't have questioned for a MINUTE her H's (and her) obligation to that.

But an 18 year old starting university is totally different. Personally I don't even think it's a particularly good idea - sounds like OP's H wants the opportunity of having his son around for fun times more - just at the point he should (and will) be spreading his wings and growing into his own life. I can imagine that it is more likely than anything to not meet anyone's expectations save financial - H will probably end up not getting the dad/son time he imagines as son's attention will be completely elsewhere, OP will feel she can't say a thing if the son's lifestyle clashes with a home full of preschoolers or she will be accused of 'resenting' the son, and the son will find that a free house in London isn't all it's cracked up to be when he needs to keep the noise down because of the baby and can't bring friends back to his for a party etc.

The main issue though is the lack of respect in the H, not even thinking that it's something you discuss with your wife and the person who is the reason you have a nice house in London in the first place

Why does everyone care so much about this thread when the OP hasn't even responded once??? (as far as I can see)

V annoying

Catwaving as with any thread, I guess it can just triggers off a discussion amongst other posters whether the op is involved in it or not. Happens quite a lot.

You are not being unreasonable. Your husband should have consulted with you before offering, you are his partner and deserve to have a say about what is going on your home. It is not your DSS full time home currently, and you have a very young family. If your husband insists that he should stay then you need to have some strict ground rules ensuring that he is not coming in drunk at all hours and disrupting the household and that he does his fair share of chores and rent. He is an adult now, so needs to be acting like one and taking on responsibility which is a massive part of the university experience. Don't let people tell you that your feelings don't matter because you married a man with children.

YANBU
Wow some of these comments are vile, people have such an issue with step parents on here.

I think your DH should have definitely spoken to you first. I would be not be ok about that. I think its understandable to not be keen on the idea of an 18 year old lad living in your family home. Just because you marry someone with children it does not mean your whole life is now dictated to and you have to put up and shut up. If you are not ok with it tell your DH and maybe you can compromise e.g. DSS lives at yours partly but also the mums? Or just say no if you really don’t want this happening. It would be totally different if DSS had always lived at yours but he doesn’t so I think its unreasonable to assume this is fine. I still am shocked your DH would make an offer like that without consulting you or discussing it.

@plumpynoo
“Don't let people tell you that your feelings don't matter because you married a man with children.”

Could not agree more with this! So many people on here are made to feel like they don’t have a say or have to put up with all sorts just because they chose to marry a man with children. Its ridiculous.

He'll probably go live with friends when he starts uni anyway. Don't say anything OP.

YABVU. How horrible to go on about the house being ‘yours’. Your poor husband must feel like a bloody lodger! There’s no wonder he talks to his son more when he’s there. Being so possessive about the house is undermining him and he probably feels his relationship with his son has more equality in it.

Carry on with the ‘it’s mine, not yours’ attitude and I don’t give your marriage much future to be honest.

Wow, shocked at all the bitter bio mum projections here.

Your husband clearly doesn't value or respect your opinions or your home, hence making the decision for you. He probably thinks because you're pregnant you will be too vulnerable to voice your concerns.

Jen4813 thank God for some common sense

Also worth pointing out students do approximately 30 weeks per year so if the suggestion is for him to stay with you during term time and go off to his mum’s during the holidays - that 22 weeks he won’t be with you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy but please take your head out your arse and GROW THE HELL UP! You married your husband knowing he had a DS so get a bloody grip and stop being so selfish and JEALOUS! Ridiculous, that is your DSS for goodness sake. Stop thinking of the negatives and concentrate on the many positives. GROW UP and hope your kids and your dss NEVER know you even thought this.

OP, I understand why you find the dynamics between DH and DSS hard to cope with. When my DSS was in his teens, DH was a Disney dad, their relationship was weirdly intense, and they were more like Romeo and Juliet than father and son. I wasn’t jealous, but I did find the whole thing extremely uncomfortable.