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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

585 replies

Whatnowwww · 16/05/2020 15:27

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

OP posts:
BubblesBuddy · 17/05/2020 08:54

Oh. I did mean to say that you shouldn’t mention your inherited house in any discussion. It sounds possessive and “I, My, Me, Mine” as my DM would say. Not really helpful to your marriage I would have thought.

OrangeCinnamon · 17/05/2020 08:57

@edwinamay the uni experience in London is so different now. Mainly because of cost. There are a lot of commuters so they do find alternative ways to make friendship, independence.

If it was any other area I'd agree how important but the.extreme expensive of accommodation and travel at/to central London institutions means sacrifices have to be made.

PositiveVibez · 17/05/2020 08:58

the mantra is very much that SM's should put aside all their personal concerns and act as third fiddle to SC's and parents

I disagree. I think the 'mantra' is:

Allow your partner to treat children from their previous relationship, with the love and respect you give to the children you have together.

Fluffybutter · 17/05/2020 09:02

This does not make you sound like a nice person ,sorry.
You come across as selfish and jealous.

SpilltheTea · 17/05/2020 09:24

You sound horrible and I feel sorry for his son. Don't marry someone with kids if you can't bear the thought of living with them. Grow up and stop being jealous.

Annebronte · 17/05/2020 09:45

I’d strongly encourage halls for his first year. He’ll make more friends and have a better social life. For years 2 and 3, you might have to accept he’s with you, but two years isn’t long. There’s a very strong chance he’ll decide he wants to share with friends anyway.

hardboiledeggs · 17/05/2020 10:06

Honestly can't work out why people marry someone with kids but don't treat them the same as their own. Feel so sorry for some stepkids. (I realise not all step parents are like this).

lovepickledlimes · 17/05/2020 10:11

@hardboiledeggs totally agree there. One of the reasons my mum never remarried after her divorce or had any relationships is that she was worried something like this happening.

My DF on the other hand was far less concerned in that aspect and though they never had children let his wife make it very clear she is going to be his priority rather then me.

Standupthisisnotateaparty · 17/05/2020 10:13

You married someone with kids but really now you have your own they are the important ones. You are jealous of their relationship? Bonkers.

GabsAlot · 17/05/2020 10:19

He shouldnt have offered for him to ;live there without discussion and rules set out thats the crux of the problem

DoubleTweenQueen · 17/05/2020 10:24

Look at it from their point of view - this is a golden opportunity for your DH and his son to cement their relationship and it will last them both a lifetime - particularly ds. It's very important. I know from very painful experience. Please don't block that. Likelihood is ds will be out a lot of the time, maybe available for babysitting/getting close to his siblings, probably be separate to get a flat with his mates after the first year, max.

DoubleTweenQueen · 17/05/2020 10:25

Desperate not separate, stupid phone

Candyfloss99 · 17/05/2020 10:28

Are you going to chuck your own children out if they start watching films with your husband?

Cyllie33 · 17/05/2020 10:36

Tread carefully OP. If my partner told me they didn’t want a child of mine sharing our home because they were jealous of our relationship then I would seriously reconsider being with that partner.

funinthesun19 · 17/05/2020 10:54

the mantra is very much that SM's should put aside all their personal concerns and act as third fiddle to SC's and parents

I disagree. I think the 'mantra' is:

Allow your partner to treat children from their previous relationship, with the love and respect you give to the children you have together.

Oh come on. There are many threads on here which show that people expect women to make their husband’s children and all wants and needs of the first family to be at the centre of their universe. It’s ok to be happy about absolutely everything.

funinthesun19 · 17/05/2020 10:54

It’s ok NOT to be happy about absolutely everything.

lovepickledlimes · 17/05/2020 11:19

@funinthesun19 but even in family where both parents are still together the children take priority.

Expat30 · 17/05/2020 11:26

Funny how the narc OP hasn't come back to respond.

LolaSmiles · 17/05/2020 11:29

There are many threads on here which show that people expect women to make their husband’s children and all wants and needs of the first family to be at the centre of their universe.
There are. There's also threads where posters think step mums should accept all level of rudeness and awful behaviour because the 15 year old is still coming to terms with the fact their parents split a decade ago and still getting their head around their dad having a partner for he last 5 years

However, this isn't one of those threads. This is a thread where a woman is expectig her new husband to put his children on one side because she doesn't like having to compete for attention.

Rightly, the consensus on here is that parents (mum or dad) shouldn't be putting their new partners above their children, not should they expect their new partners to put them above their children.

Expat30 · 17/05/2020 11:34

And by the way an 18 year old is not an adult. When I was 18 I may have thought I was, but I wasn't. And I certainly wasn't sleeping around, so very strange of you all to think an 18 year old would have that mentality.

funinthesun19 · 17/05/2020 11:46

LolaSmiles I know this isn’t really one of those threads. I do think time and effort needs to be put in to a relationship though if you want to make it work. So the husband needs to make sure there is that balance between making sure his son is ok and the op. If you want to make your life all about your kids (which there is nothing wrong with that) then you shouldn’t really be in a relationship.
I was just responding to the poster who seems to be in denial about what is said on here at times. Like your perfect example.

lovepickledlimes · 17/05/2020 11:50

@funinthesun19 but this is clearly not the case. This is a case of OP being jealous that her DH and DSS have a good relationship. Will she make the same fuss once her kids are older and have a close relationship with their dad? or are they allowed to be close because these angles are her children etc

funinthesun19 · 17/05/2020 11:56

No the jealousy of a good relationship is clearly not ok.

lovepickledlimes · 17/05/2020 12:05

@funinthesun19 'D'SM was like that. She took little opportunity to demonstrate that in choice between making me happy or making her happy she came first. Mind you the fact that she felt the need to compete with a 14 year old baffles me to this day

funinthesun19 · 17/05/2020 12:08

It’s ok for the op to be concerned about how different life will be having an extra adult living there though.
I’ve been in a similar situation. I had to move back to my dad’s for a while when I was in my early twenties. This inevitably made the life my dad had with his partner a bit different. They had less time alone together and they were pretty fed up about that. My dad’s partner wasn’t jealous, but she just kind of wanted me out of the way. I do get where she was coming from. If she was jealous though then that would have bothered me.

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