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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my almost 13 yo to make his own breakfast?

435 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 10:57

Just that really.

I share care with my not-nice ex who is citing that I am a "neglecting" parent for expecting this. At his house, his (unemployed) much younger gf does this every day for both boys. He is claiming I am making eldest "go hungry."

I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fiancé and I'm desperately trying to get my boys (youngest is 10) to become more independent.

My eldest asked me at 10.45 today to get his breakfast because "he never has to at his dad's."

Neither son does anything around the home and I feel like their servant.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Hushabusha · 16/05/2020 08:36

You need to be speaking to a solicitor in advance of the Court hearing if you haven't already

ProudMarys · 16/05/2020 08:45

My 7 year old helps himself to his cereal and pours his own milk, puts his bread in the toaster (the only thing he asks me for help is to put some spread on it for him as he is not mastered it yet)
Your ex is teaching your son's to be entitled and lazy.

Bawdrip · 16/05/2020 09:07

My 2 ds have been making porridge since age 9 and 11. On Sundays they make the most delicious pancakes with no input from me. They also feed the dogs and empty the dishwasher every morning. I'd hate to think that their future wives might resent them for not pull g their weight. I want them to have happy fair and respectful relationships when they are older

Starlightstarbright1 · 16/05/2020 10:03

My teen has just got up so I said go make your breakfast - he is dancing in the kitchen .

I do think teens often make a drama out of anything . The fact his dad encourages this only adds.

I find humour rather than confronting works better.

Sodamncold · 16/05/2020 11:11

Very different response here...

I will make my children’s breakfast for as long as they will allow me! I love ensuring they’ve started the day with really good food inside them. Scrambled eggs and salmon on toast followed by large fruit salad mixed with Greek yoghurt and nuts.

My two are 8 and 10 and have had this since they were toddlers. They can pour cereal and milk but for as long as they’re happy with it, I am happy to do it for them. Yes I’ll teach them to cook it but very much doubt a 14 year old boy would bother to cook this on a Tuesday morning before school!

As for not equipping them with life skills, I will teach them but my own experience - my mother suffered from a cleaning obsession and never allowed me to cook. Ever. I left for university not even able to do cheese on toast!

20 years later. Single mother. Beautifully clean organised home and who loves cooking and baking!

Sodamncold · 16/05/2020 11:13

For me - I read the OP and all I focus on is the appalling way the son demands his heavily pregnant mother does breakfast for him.

My focus would be equipping him with the skills to be able to engage in a kind civilised manner with people rather than how to fry an egg in the short term

Horses4 · 16/05/2020 11:14

My 7 and 10 year olds get their own toast or cereal. 10 year old makes fruit/herbal tea for herself. Of course you are not unreasonable for trying to raise your child into an adult that isn’t feeble and helpless. My ex-h can’t/won’t peel a potato/fruit etc at the age of 42 because of a pandering mother.

Sodamncold · 16/05/2020 11:17

* Ex earns £40k a day with his business*

Was this a typo?!

Settle59 · 16/05/2020 11:20

YANBU - I started getting my own at 12/13

BrieAndChilli · 16/05/2020 11:23

@sodamncold
I don’t think any of us are saying we refuse to make our kids breakfast and insist they do it for themselves everyday more that we teach them how to do it themselves and so it’s a mix of us cooking nice breakfasts for them and making them a bowl of cereal if we are in the kitchen but if we are in the shower or not yet up or in the middle of something (or like mine been offered and refused breakfast several times and then want breakfast after I’ve cleared everything away!!!) our kids are more than capable of making it themselves and do so.

raspberryk · 16/05/2020 11:26

I expect my 5 and 8 year olds to get their own breakfast except for when we have cooked breakfasts. They can manage cereal with milk and a juice, the 8yo can do toast and will happily make it for them both.
I started to teach them because I worried when they went to their dad's that they might be up and hungry before he bothered to sort them breakfast and hoped they would be able to sort themselves there.
Now it means that if they're up ridiculously early on school days they get up and have breakfast and are dressed as I'm getting up or they can fix themselves while I'm showering. Everything takes less time then and we are less rushed in the mornings.
On the weekends and in lockdown it means I don't have to get up at stupid o'clock for a change.

Sodamncold · 16/05/2020 11:29

No I don’t think anyone is saying they are refusing to ever do breakfast for their children!

My point is that I actively want to do breakfast for them as long as they’re happy for me to do it

Dartsplayer · 16/05/2020 11:48

OP I've read your previous posts and I've been wondering how you were getting on. My nearly 13 year old makes his own breakfast and lunch (even cooks it unsupervised sometimes) and has even chosen Food & Nutrition for his options but you know this isn't about breakfast, it's about your nasty piece of work of an ex and his disgusting views. I think you should make sure that before the next hearing your solicitor is armed with every single piece of information about what he's like, examples of coersive behaviour etc that you can think of so that your solicitor blasts his arse in Court. Hopefully it will go from him wanting them full time to you getting them full time. Personally from what you've written before I think he should only be allowed to see them in a contact centre supervised so that he can't keep manipulating them. I really hope you get a successful result in Court

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 16/05/2020 12:07

@Sodamncold Nope! Begs the question as to why he got to remain in the former marital five-bed family home while we are still renting a small three-bed six years on!
When we went through the divorce he only earned £23k pa...errrrrr apparently(!)

OP posts:
woodhill · 16/05/2020 12:09

Make breakfasts and their own packed lunches at secondary school age and even before.

He is talking rubbish

Sodamncold · 16/05/2020 13:14

If his circumstances have hugely changed then they may well be provision in your settlement for a revisit to the settlement.

It’s in mine

HeimdallSaysNo · 16/05/2020 14:41

My 13yo girl makes her own breakfast, bakes biscuits and cakes, and helps her dad make dinner. It makes her happy!

Iloveplacentas · 16/05/2020 14:50

OMG. My 7 year old makes her own breakfast. Do the future partners of your son a huge favour and get him making meals and cleaning up after himself!

midnightstar66 · 16/05/2020 15:02

Mine have regularly been making their own breakfast since 5. I'd find it neglectful if a 13 year old had not been taught and allowed to make their own breakfast (neglect on teaching duties as a parents rather than actual physical neglect obviously - neither option fall in to that category)

Sharpandshineyteeth · 16/05/2020 15:07

They make their own breakfast and lunch here. Aged 10yrs - 17 yrs.

Faffandahalf · 16/05/2020 15:14

He doesn’t make 40k a day OP? That’s got to be a typo! He’s be earning millions a year on that!

midnightstar66 · 16/05/2020 15:15

Yes mine mostly make their own lunch now during lockdown too - they are 7 and 10.

midnightstar66 · 16/05/2020 15:21

*Very different response here...

I will make my children’s breakfast for as long as they will allow me! I love ensuring they’ve started the day with really good food inside them. Scrambled eggs and salmon on toast followed by large fruit salad mixed with Greek yoghurt and nuts.
*
My dc happily make all this and more - dd7 likes a continental breakfast and will often get herself bread sticks and hummus with cucumber tomato and pepper and some cold meat and or cheese or crackers and cheese with grapes - she doesn't like eggs. Dd10 loves egg and makes herself scrambled egg regularly (and for the puppy too) the can both make toast and have been able to since age 5 and are often much more imaginative than me. For lunch they like making wraps or pitta with chorizo and salad with loads of sides

Alymcnabs · 16/05/2020 15:27

I haven’t RTFT. Apologies if it’s already been said but if an NT 13 year old can’t pour some cereal and milk into a bowl there is something wrong!

Surely 5 year olds are capable of this?

Stand your ground OP. Your DS wants breakfast? He can make it himself or go without

Sodamncold · 16/05/2020 15:31

Op
He would be earning before tax £14.6 million a year.

Come on. You say a few years ago he reported £23k earnings.

Let’s not exaggerate. He’s not earning £14.6 million a year