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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my almost 13 yo to make his own breakfast?

435 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 10:57

Just that really.

I share care with my not-nice ex who is citing that I am a "neglecting" parent for expecting this. At his house, his (unemployed) much younger gf does this every day for both boys. He is claiming I am making eldest "go hungry."

I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fiancé and I'm desperately trying to get my boys (youngest is 10) to become more independent.

My eldest asked me at 10.45 today to get his breakfast because "he never has to at his dad's."

Neither son does anything around the home and I feel like their servant.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 16/05/2020 15:35

Your ex is an idiot. Children need to learn self sufficiency & independence to prepare for adult life. Most of my friends & relatives children were getting their own breakfast from 9-10 onward. They loved it, learning life skills builds confidence & self esteem.

Ninkanink · 16/05/2020 15:41

The 40k per day was obviously a typo.

Sodamncold · 16/05/2020 15:41

The Op says it isn’t

Ninkanink · 16/05/2020 15:45

Well not a typo exactly. But clearly OP meant 40k pa.

Ninkanink · 16/05/2020 15:45

Oh really? Right...

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 16/05/2020 15:48

This should not be about running round aftet him, its about learning to be independant anf growing up. Ask him if he wants to stay a baby forever and have his bottom wiped

Haenow · 16/05/2020 16:07

YANBU. Firstly, of course they are capable of making a simple breakfast and it should absolutely be encouraged. Secondly, I doubt he’s actually earning £40k a day, he’s lying to you. Ignore that twat.

Sodamncold · 16/05/2020 16:42

* Ask him if he wants to stay a baby forever and have his bottom wiped*

Given how rude he is, his response would “why? Are you offering?”

missyB1 · 16/05/2020 17:21

ask him if he wants to stay a baby forever and have his arse wiped

Oh yeah great sink to his level and then wonder why there is a cycle of disrespect and rudeness going on in the house. Hmm

The kid is 13 he might have some excuse, but adults should try and remember to be adults. As I said before this will be nothing to do with him wanting breakfast made, it will be far more about the family dynamics.

Embracelife · 16/05/2020 17:26

If he can't grab cereal and bowl he can go hungry. His choice. 7 year olds can fix their own break fast

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/05/2020 18:37

@Sodamncold - do you think it would have been easier to learn the life skills from a parent, when you we’re younger, rather than being thrown in at the deep end when you went to university?

I do understand what you are saying about how much you value cooking for your children - but sometimes, as parents, we have to do things that are best for our kids, rather than doing things we want to do.

But as long as children are learning to cook (and to meal plan and understand good nutrition) I don’t think it matters which meals they get to cook. For example - if you teach your children to cook, but they never cook their own breakfast, they will still have the basic skills, and they will have plenty of good ideas about what can make a good breakfast, and will be able to apply those skills when they do have to make their own.

I do think it is better for children to learn the key life skills (cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing, meal planning, budgeting) before they leave home - apart from anything else, it means that, when they do go to university/leave home, we can worry a bit less because we know they can feed themselves etc!

When my dad went to teacher training college (back in the 1950s), one of the other students had literally never done anything for himself. His mum told him when to change his clothes and when to have a bath - and he had obviously never had to do his own washing - and with no-one telling him to do these things, he just didn’t - and within a few weeks, the other students had noticed how smelly he was, and they had to draw up a timetable for him, and teach him these basic skills.

Sodamncold · 16/05/2020 18:45

* do you think it would have been easier to learn the life skills from a parent, when you we’re younger, rather than being thrown in at the deep end when you went to university?*

Went to catered halls!
Next year lived with fab group of friends and I sort of just absorbed how to cook.
Fair few drunken “oh shit I’ve completely overcooked the chicken”. Oh well, better than undercooked!

My children have their chores, as I did.
And unlike me, they will learn to cook properly!. But as I say - for as long as they are happy with me to cook breakfast for them, I would like to do it. As I say, if I am serving scrambled eggs on toast with some salmon and perhaps some fruit and nuts and yoghurt for my 14 year old as he heads off to school.... then I’d be delighted. He’s not going to cook that for himself on a Monday morning when he’s got to get himself out the door!

As for changing his own sheets, unloading the dishwasher, ensuring his room is tidy, doing the occasional vacuum - absolutely! At 10 he is already my vacuumer!

Nicknamegoeshere · 16/05/2020 23:30

@Sodamncold To clarify, I meant in business sales on that particular day. He even called my son to tell him the good news!!

He wasn't of course ever earning £23k pa but he was hiding assets/putting business shares with family members temporarily.

OP posts:
Whataloadofshite · 16/05/2020 23:38

Cheeky little shit. He can make his own breakfast or go without.

Nicknamegoeshere · 17/05/2020 00:10

I agree with you all. He's told me again I'm lazy because sometimes I get tired in the day atm. I gently tried to explain that I'm homeschooling his brother, taking care of both of them, doing all of the housework and am also 38 weeks' pregnant. I don't even officially begin my maternity leave until Monday so have also been working from home.
He replied "Well I told you not to get pregnant but you didn't listen to me so that's your own fault."

OP posts:
Nsky · 17/05/2020 00:17

If you were making yours too fine, if not tell him it’s different at yours.
And sometimes ask if he’d like to make yours too

Makegoodchoices · 17/05/2020 00:19

Mine got own breakfast from 7.
That was the age he could reach the bowls.

No reason for an older one to act helpless and expect waiting on.

memberof5 · 17/05/2020 00:28

My 5 year old gets his own breakfast. Unless we are having eggs.

memberof5 · 17/05/2020 00:30

Should have said including weighing the cereal and the milk.

9 year old can make toast and microwave porridge. 11 year old can cook stuff. Normal surely.

9 year old can make coffee and froth the milk for mummy.

Rosebel · 17/05/2020 01:03

He told you not to get pregnant?! Who the hell does he think he us? Just tell him to stop being so lazy. Take his privileges away. I can't tell you how angry I'd be if either of my children thought they could tell me if I was allowed to have a baby.

Nicknamegoeshere · 17/05/2020 01:19

@Rosebel This is supported by his father who has told son in no uncertain terms how incredibly selfish it was of me to want a child with my fiancé. We only have a three-bed rented semi ffs etc...

I mean, ex has a gf (18 years his junior) but they will never even consider having a baby together even though they do have the space and of course the money (on just his salary) because it would be unfair on him and his brother.

And anyway, my son tells me he is not related to the baby because again, that's what his dad has said. I can't get my head around this one either?

OP posts:
GingerbreadBiscuits00 · 17/05/2020 01:23

Ridiculous. Mine always makes his own breakfast and lunch. You know full well hes capable of doing it himself.

Nicknamegoeshere · 17/05/2020 01:28

@GingerbreadBiscuits00 Oh I'm not disputing that. The issue is that his father has told him not to do it because it's down to my "lazy parenting" and it's my role as a mother to fetch him his meals.

That's what happens at his - his gf waits on them because that's "her job."

OP posts:
Weenurse · 17/05/2020 01:31

He will not do well with girlfriends in the future, will he.
I would explain that different household have different ways, and what happens at Dads is not what happens at mums.
At that age mine cleaned their own rooms and bathroom, did their own washing and cooked 1night a week for everyone, along with cleaning up 2nights a week.
Ex is raising spoiled, self important dictator and I don’t know how you change this.
Good luck with the baby.

Weenurse · 17/05/2020 01:33

It’s your role as a mother to prepare him for life.
That includes learning how to cook and feed himself and do his own washing and cleaning.