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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my almost 13 yo to make his own breakfast?

435 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 10:57

Just that really.

I share care with my not-nice ex who is citing that I am a "neglecting" parent for expecting this. At his house, his (unemployed) much younger gf does this every day for both boys. He is claiming I am making eldest "go hungry."

I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fiancé and I'm desperately trying to get my boys (youngest is 10) to become more independent.

My eldest asked me at 10.45 today to get his breakfast because "he never has to at his dad's."

Neither son does anything around the home and I feel like their servant.

AIBU?

OP posts:
45redballoon · 15/05/2020 22:25

My 4yo can make his own breakfast!! I do make him toast and porridge but now and then he gets his own cereal milk and yoghurt if he wakes up early on the weekend....
A 13 year old should routinely be making their own breakfast surely?!? Making breakfast for a 13 year old should be a treat like it's their birthday or you're on holiday or doing a big family fry up! I seriously doubt theres many people out there making a 13 year old breakfast every single morning... ridiculous

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 22:26

@Timetospare Ex would refer to those as "gay" (well actually he refers to gay people openly as "benders.") It infuriates me.

OP posts:
EastMidsMumOf1 · 15/05/2020 22:28

Yanbu but do you not have breakfast all together?
In my house, mainly since lockdown if I had everyone in the kitchen making their own meals at the same time it would drive me mental so I much rather get my DD7 to set the table and entertain the baby whilst me and DH cook/ prepare food.

Your son should be doing other jobs around the house though regardless of the breakfast issue.

Timetospare · 15/05/2020 22:29

Thank heavens he’s your ex, and now you have a good un, and a wonderful new baby on the way.
Your older boys will hopefully grow up and see for themselves how to be a man, not a twat like your ex.
Sleep well,

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 22:33

@EastMidsMumOf1 My OH starts work early before the rest of us are usually up. My youngest then wakes and comes in to me for a cuddle before getting up. My eldest is the last to get up usually. Well this has been the pattern during lockdown.

When I'm working I'm always the first up by a long way because I have to be in much earlier than the boys have to be at school.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 15/05/2020 22:36

I think I’d be watching nothing but Gordon Ramsey (big macho man) cooking for a while! No wonder your ex is an ex. He sounds like a right idiot.

LouiseTrees · 15/05/2020 22:36

I think you should buy some weights or construct a weight challenge for your eldest. Work out what the equivalent weight strain of carrying round a baby is all day versus lifting a specific weight for say 15 minutes. Challenge him to lift said weight. I’m sorry that it sounds like your eldest is going the way of your ex.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/05/2020 22:37

Tell him that part of parenting teens is teaching them life skills - like feeding themselves - and that is better than raising entitled kids who can’t do anything for themselves.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 22:39

@Timetospare That's another reason I'm terrified ex is going to get more custody. OH tries so hard to teach the kids values but ex just unpicks them. He tells son OH is a waste of time because he works in adult social services for a rubbish wage and is an "arse wiper for people that do drugs". Ex earns £40k a day with his business and that's why he has four bathrooms and we only have one.

When OH gives me a cuddle in front of him son says it's "inappropriate". His dad never shows any affection to his gf and so we're weird.

OP posts:
terriblyangryattimes · 15/05/2020 22:40

I have a 5 and 6 year old who not only make their own breakfast but make some for me too. They've been doing it for a year or so now! I mean, they can't pick up after themselves or put their shoes on the right feet half the time but I hope your son can do that!

Starlightstarbright1 · 15/05/2020 22:46

Your ex is a knob - as you know.

You need to turn this around. I would say we are doing food tech - cook a meal once a week .

I tend to make my 13 year old breakfast most days. However he did his own lunch , cooks tea a couple of times a week , made a lasagne Monday, he has also put on the washer, helped me tidy round for half an hour today , bought in the washing. My ex is completely absent though so no whispers here.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 22:46

@terriblyangryattimes He definitely doesn't pick up for himself! The other day I asked him to wash up because he never does and we don't have a dishwasher. He said I was being cruel to expect him to do that because at his dad's his dad's gf loads the dishwasher and it's not his fault our kitchen is too small to have a dishwasher in it!!

OP posts:
lovepickledlimes · 15/05/2020 22:49

I feel very torn about this. On one hand I do think independence is good and they should be able to do simple tasks.

At the same time I do come from a family of women where the main role is seen as caring for the family and enjoy it. I found myself really babying the child I au paired for years ago like my mum still does to this day such as running her back, chopping up her fruits into little bits for her etc.

To this day I still have this tendency to fuss over fiancé and pets etc doing everything myself to make sure they are comfortable. It is an issue I have and I am working on

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 15/05/2020 22:51

He should make you breakfast sometimes since he's at home, yanbu

gingerbiscuits · 15/05/2020 22:54

Jesus, sometimes our 13yr old gets OUR breakfast, never mind his own! Ridiculous that he can't/won't - stand firm - he rustles up some toast or he goes hungry- simple as.

Timetospare · 15/05/2020 22:55

Don’t allow comparison to be the thief of joy. Your ex is knob, you know it.
Your OH is a star, and has gone even further up in my estimation now I know what he does for a living.
Keep modelling the values and roles you want your sons adopt, rinse and repeat.

penguinsbegin · 15/05/2020 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoCoCorona · 15/05/2020 23:00

My 12 year old can make poached eggs and avocado on toast, or a tuna cheese melt. Aside from the more flamboyant brekkies, she gets her own breakfast every weekday, cereal or toast. So Yanbu. The boy needs to learn to get his own breakfast at a reasonable time. Even my 6 year old can get herself cereal or toast.

EastMidsMumOf1 · 15/05/2020 23:04

Ahh that's fair enough then - in your situation then he should definitely not expect you to.
If you were all up and eating at the same time it would be different but assuming you're already making breakfast for yourself and your youngest to then however long later have to do it for him too takes the piss abit!

Rosebel · 16/05/2020 03:43

This isn't really about breakfast though is it? It's about your son's disgusting attitude (which he's learned from his dad). Don't let him get away with it. Personally I'd remove all technology until he can behave like he's old enough to deserve it. If he can't wash up or make his breakfast then hes not old enough for a phone or Xbox or whatever he has.
What's your youngest like? If he doesn't help either same rules apply. They need to be helping.
I know you must be knackered, I am heavily pregnant with my 3rd and I'm 39 too but try not to use that. Just tell them you are a family and families work together. It's the way it should be.
And every time he's rude pull him up on it. Tell him it's rude and unacceptable.. Ask him if he'd like you to speak to him that way. I.had a similar situation with washing up. My children refused to do it, then later asked what was for tea. I said nothing as there were no clean plates so if they wanted food they'd better wash up. They did, with much moaning.
I know you're worried about going to court but try not to let that stop you installing independence in your son. I'm sure you not getting his breakfast wouldn't even be a consideration.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 16/05/2020 08:02

"He knows the expectation, but sides with his father that I'm being unreasonable so won't get it himself."
Won't get it himself? I hope you don't capitulate as, if you do, you are compounding the problem.

Both of your DC should be capable of getting their own breakfast by now. I wouldn't bother weaning either of them onto it, especially as you are 38 weeks pregnant. If I was you, I would announce that, effective tomorrow, they will be making their own breakfasts in future. I would then supervise them every day until you are happy they are safe in doing so.

I don't think you should make breakfast for your 10 year old and not for your 13 year old. They should both make their own. It could be a nice time where you all hang out together chatting while making breakfast.

Considering you are due to have a baby soon, I would try and get them to help make yours too and also help with the baby, when they are born.

Dishwashersaurous · 16/05/2020 08:10

Wow. This isn’t about breakfast- my three year old makes breakfast for himself and pours juice for everyone.

This is about your sons awful attitude and probably an underlying fear about being pushed out by new baby.

I’d start a new routine in which you all have breakfast together, clean up together and then start schoolwork for nine am.

The structure and expectations will help him know what to expect

Splillinteas · 16/05/2020 08:11

OP I’d really consider counselling for your boys tbh. I think your ex is doing his best alienate your kids from you. Yes whilst your son not making his own breakfast is not on there is a much bigger issue brewing here.

Your ex sounds deeply unpleasant and unfortunately children can be easily swayed by rich generous parents.

Daftodil · 16/05/2020 08:25

I have porridge for breakfast most days. My 2yo scoops the oats, I pour this milk and 2yo sprinkles nuts/dried fruit on top. If a 2yo can manage to pour out cereal, I'm sure a 12yo can manage!

Does your 12yo do home economics (or whatever it is called these days) at school? Surely s/he could make (or help to make) a dinner once a week too.

MinnieMountain · 16/05/2020 08:30

@maria860 get a foldable step from Lakeland. We've had one since DS was 3 and started climbing on kitchen chairs to reach things.