Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my almost 13 yo to make his own breakfast?

435 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 10:57

Just that really.

I share care with my not-nice ex who is citing that I am a "neglecting" parent for expecting this. At his house, his (unemployed) much younger gf does this every day for both boys. He is claiming I am making eldest "go hungry."

I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fiancé and I'm desperately trying to get my boys (youngest is 10) to become more independent.

My eldest asked me at 10.45 today to get his breakfast because "he never has to at his dad's."

Neither son does anything around the home and I feel like their servant.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 15/05/2020 14:16

He's not at his dad's now, though, is he?! Your rules apply, and you can tell him you see your job as a parent as helping and guiding him to grow up into a competent adult with lots of life skills. Babies and toddlers get breakfast provided (and highchairs, bibs and damp flannels to wipe their mouths afterwards, too!) Does he really want that, or would he rather be treated like a young teenager/emerging adult and acquire some skills?

At a calm moment, why not ask him what he fancies at breakfast time, then check out a few recipe websites or cookbooks? If he selects a couple of ideas, tell him you'll add the ingredients to your shopping order and advise and supervise while he has a go at making them. That bit of independence building should go down well in court.

If he baulks and tells you food preparation is "women's work", just tell him eating is, too.

Oh, and reach him to clean up as he goes and leave the kitchen ready for the next person.

Your ex is trying to weaponise your DC to make your new life as difficult as possible. "Parental alienation" is the current label for what he's up to and you can call him on that in court, too.

ScrambledSmegs · 15/05/2020 14:50

Sounds like he's the one being remiss in his duty to raise them to be self-sufficient and independent.

Your OP sounds familiar. Is he the one refusing to return the boys after each contact because of your pregnancy? And attempting to turn them against you? If so, I would have hoped that you know that he's 100% wrong.

maria860 · 15/05/2020 15:23

I have this issue with the two oldest boys I fully blame myself for doing it all without thinking for years and now I'm pregnant with another on the way and I've told them to do their own.
My eldest is 14 in a few months he's lovely but lazy and would literally let me do everything if I let him.
I've just started putting my foot down with it and they will do it now with a grumpy face!
My seven year old son makes his own cereal he wouldn't be able to do toast but he's really short for his age and would struggle with toaster and fridge etc so I make his. He's been doing his own cereal since he was about five. My middle one is 11 and he will take the piss aswell went wrong down here

maria860 · 15/05/2020 15:25

I remember at 13 making chips and a full oven only cooked meal but I could do the basics I also had to clean all the time and iron.
I blame myself for the way my sons are now because I've let it carry on.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 15/05/2020 15:32

Your ex sounds awful. Of course a 13 year old shouldn't expect someone else to make breakfast for him. DS 11 doesn't tend to make his own breakfast as such, but he helps (his dad) with breakfast as we all eat together and we're using lockdown to get him to help with lunch and dinner too. He also has to set and clear the table, tidy his room, put his own laundry away, change his sheets, open his bedroom window, top up toilet rolls in the bathroom and other ad hoc chores. Before lockdown is done he'll be learning to sort laundry too!

mummmy2017 · 15/05/2020 15:32

Let's hope the judge see the dad doesn't deserve more custody.
And if your having a baby, how does he think he will get masses of CS?

PumpkinPie2016 · 15/05/2020 15:49

YANBU. A 13 year old should be more than capable of making their own breakfast. Cereal/toast/scrambled eggs/beans are all simple. They know when they are hungry and it isn't rocket science.

Unless there are significant additional needs, I can't see why any young teen should be unable to be independent.

At 13, I was able to make a basic evening meal such as spaghetti bolognese, use a washer and do basic household jobs. My parents worked full time shifts so sometimes, it was a case of needs must.

I certainly wasn't neglected and it meant that when I went off to Uni, I had no issues looking after myself.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 15/05/2020 15:52

Your 13 year old needs a slap round the head with a wet fish (metaphor: before anyone dials 101) if he can't pop some milk on a bowl of cereal or sort himself a couple of slices of toast.

Windyatthebeach · 15/05/2020 15:57

If it helps my exh never shopped. Dc genuinely did go without at his house..
Cafcass gave zero shits. Even when dc spoke up themselves.
They are nc with him due to zero parenting.
Their choice.

Sarah510 · 15/05/2020 15:58

It sounds like there is some tension - your ex is definitely 'fanning the flames' here. try....try... not to say anything to your dc, except encourage them to make their own breakfast. I'm not a morning person so my dc have learned to make their own breakfasts from a very young age... Maybe try and make it fun - get them to "make breakfast" for the family. Is your dc missing actual food - I cant believe he never helps himself to anything in the kitchen...? or is he missing the 'sitting up at the table' more 'formal' style breakfast. Either way - it's a no-debate. At 10 my ds can do waffles and bacon and toast, or he can cook cinnamon buns in the oven, or he can easily do cereal or croissants or beans on toast. YANBU - just try (I know.. it's very hard) not to make it about being tired cos of being 38 weeks preg - just make it about being independent, and learning life skills, and maybe take it in turns to "do" breakfast, if they want the whole breakfast as a family thing....?

GabsAlot · 15/05/2020 16:55

my dsis was spoilt like this gvot everything made for her-shes better now but still seems to think she shouldnt have to do certain things

if he doesnt want to do it he doesnt get any

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 21:51

Thanks all. I guess I'm just scared for court because I know ex will claim I am a lazy parent for not getting eldest his breakfast. I try to be up for a reasonable time every day but I'm suffering from severe insomnia due to all of this anxiety ex is causing. I'm usually awake between 3 and 6 am most days. My OH is brilliant at helping out and is always up first but I still don't see why boys can't put bread in the toaster or cereals in a bowl? I feel like a servant most of the time.

The latest is eldest has "crap" food here as ex shops at Waitrose but we can only afford Lidl. There's always something and I feel like a failure as a mum.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 15/05/2020 21:55

Trust me op a judge will give no fucks about the difference in your parenting styles - which is the card his solicitor will use. Being a lazy fucker df is matterless ime.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 22:04

Well if he does try to suggest it is unreasonable that an almost 13 yo gets his own breakfast then I hope it's laughed at! It is pure laziness as they are both perfectly capable. I just feel like anything I do is not good enough.

I get tired sometimes now of an afternoon as I'm huge with this baby, an older mum-to-be (39) and spending ages homeschooling my 9 yo. My OH says to take a nap but I feel guilty to.

OP posts:
WeirdlyOdd · 15/05/2020 22:05

That's ridiculous. My 6 year old has been making his own breakfast when needed for about a year and a half. My 10 year old can make simple meals, and bake cakes entirely on her own.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 22:08

@WeirdlyOdd I agree. It's an expectation instilled in him by his father. He literally asked me this morning when I was getting his breakfast (toast!) His bedroom is even next door to the kitchen!!! But kitchen work is "for women".

OP posts:
Timetospare · 15/05/2020 22:11

@Nicknamegoeshere
First off, pregnancy insomnia sucks, i hope tonight is a restful one,
Your ex sounds like a prize peach, but I would suggest you teach your boys some easy and delicious cool breakfasts so they can take a bit of pride in self sufficiency.
Eggy bread ( French toast) is a great start.
Scrambled eggs and cooked chorizo or bacon bits
Toasted bagel and mashed avocado, chilli, lime salt
Cheese on toast, splash of Worcester sauce

RandomMess · 15/05/2020 22:14

It's all just mind games my your ex to try and bully you into not fighting to keep 50:50 and seduce your eldest into choosing to live with him.

FOJN · 15/05/2020 22:14

Unless there was a very good reason not to teach your children basic life skills then I would argue you would have failed as a parent if a 13 year-old couldn't make their own breakfast.
Your ex sounds very stressful, please don't let him undermine your confidence in your parenting skills.

RedToothBrush · 15/05/2020 22:15

Thanks all. I guess I'm just scared for court because I know ex will claim I am a lazy parent for not getting eldest his breakfast. I try to be up for a reasonable time every day but I'm suffering from severe insomnia due to all of this anxiety ex is causing. I'm usually awake between 3 and 6 am most days. My OH is brilliant at helping out and is always up first but I still don't see why boys can't put bread in the toaster or cereals in a bowl? I feel like a servant most of the time.

He's trying coercise control on.

If you have legal representation in court do look this up and have a chat with your solicitor about it.

He's trying to use the children to control and manipulate you still.

Windyatthebeach · 15/05/2020 22:16

I had to accept my ex left 3 primary school dc home alone every Sat while he went to the pub.. Among many other parenting decisions I would never have made..
Even ss didn't want to known...
Op please don't worry. Your judgement isn't impaired here..

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 22:17

@Timetospare I've tried so hard but because of their dad they simply don't see the point or understand why it is they should have to do it. My OH does a lot of cooking and baking but eldest says that shows I'm "taking the piss out of him" because men shouldn't need to be in the kitchen.

OP posts:
Timetospare · 15/05/2020 22:20

That is so sad, have they never seen or heard if all the very successful chefs and tv cooks?

EvolvingElle · 15/05/2020 22:22

My just turned 3 year old gets his own breakfast every morning - with supervision but no ‘help’ needed! Cereal, bowl, spoon, milk. He even puts it all back and launches his empty bowl into the sink when done.

Timetospare · 15/05/2020 22:22

Maybe they are just going through that arsey phase where of course, you know nothing because you’re their mother? Clutching at straws I know