To expect my almost 13 yo to make his own breakfast?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

Just that really.

I share care with my not-nice ex who is citing that I am a "neglecting" parent for expecting this. At his house, his (unemployed) much younger gf does this every day for both boys. He is claiming I am making eldest "go hungry."

I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fiancé and I'm desperately trying to get my boys (youngest is 10) to become more independent.

My eldest asked me at 10.45 today to get his breakfast because "he never has to at his dad's."

Neither son does anything around the home and I feel like their servant.

AIBU?

Mum can I have breakfast please?
The bread is on the side, the plate is in the cupboard, the toaster is on the worktop, the butter is in the dish
Job done

With an ex like that you have bigger problems than who makes breakfast

OP stop allowing your child to dictate to you. Your the mother.

If my 13 year old told me it was my job to make him cereal or toast and then told me I was lazy for not doing so.... well..... mine wouldn't dare be so rude.

Eldest is being foul today. It's my youngest son's birthday and eldest is on the phone to his dad, slagging off every present his brother has got. He's now very heightened and now I will expect continual abuse all day.

Dad has shown youngest the £150 candy floss maker that is just one of his gifts and also he has spent £5k on a personalised number plate so how cool is he?

Nothing I can give my boys is ever good enough.

@Nicknamegoeshere if that is the relationship trust me it won't last. Once they grow up they will remember the parent that was there for them not the one that buys lavish gifts.

I'm also "in trouble" with son because the baby has some clothes I've washed and ironed ready (second hand from ebay).

Your son sounds a delight.

@Booboodisney Sadly it's what happens when the courts rule 50/50 with an abusive narcissist because "dads have equal rights" (kids were just 3 and 6 at the time).

@Nicknamegoeshere I am so sorry. You really are doing a great job. And it must be so difficult to share custody with someone on polar opposite views on how to raise your sons :(

I’m so sorry. Sounds incredibly stressful and I don’t have anything useful to add.

Presumably at some point in the not too distant future your son will want to leave home? How will he manage it at 13 he can’t even make his own breakfast without his mum doing it for him? I’ve never understood the logic from men thinking women are beneath them but can’t actually cope without one.

I recognise you from your other thread OP
The Parental Alienation has gone way beyond your DS not wanting to make breakfast.

Op I have posted this before - at 14 my ds knew it all. Knew df flashed the cash and allowed alcohol and even drugs.. Knew at my house rules applied. Ds stayed away a year. In which he was expelled permanently from school, arrested for selling weed.
Roll on a year and ds begged me to go collect him +his stuff from exh's house.
He had gone off the rails and df didn't care. I got him into a school, started parenting him as requested.
He is 18 now and 3 weeks off being a fully fledged solider!!
He is an absolute delight and hasn't seen his df since he left - except at 3 funerals and a polite hello.
I backed away op. It bloody hurt.
It was the best thing I could have done.
And it worked!! Ds realised himself the path of least resistance isn't the best one. I have younger dc from another relationship and ds is a fantastic db.
I know exactly how exh's work op. Mine was horrific. Even told my dc I was a prostitute and told their schools I was dead....

Your son will see through it at some point. Try to keep the faith.

Or, unfortunately, there is a possibility he’ll turn out just like his dad. But if he does, it’ll be squarely down to his dad, and you’ll still be able to hold your head high.

What you need to do now is stop apologising, stop second guessing yourself, stop giving your ex any space in your head when it comes to your parenting decisions. Come here when you feel weak, so that you can go back to your son with renewed conviction. YOU are BOSS when the children are in your home. You do not need your son’s permission to parent him effectively. YOU are thinking about their long-term wellbeing, their path to well-rounded adulthood. YOU are doing right by them. YOU are doing all the difficult bits.

They may not appreciate it now, but if they turn out to be decent people (and it’s very likely that they will), they definitely will know and appreciate what you did for them, in time. Children, and particularly teenagers, are very self-centred and selfish by nature. They can’t really help that. Wait it out, and keep doing right by them in the meantime.

Also, you don’t need to say anything to him other than this:

‘You are old enough to start learning to be a proper man. The kind of man who has self-respect, that a woman will respect, who can look after himself. You should want to be self-sufficient and capable. I am your mother and in this house I am boss. You will respect that.’

As Judge Judy says: as long as you’re living in my house, I own the air you breathe.

I wonder if he'd be expected to make his own breakfast if he was a girl?

Make his breakfast for him!

Does he like white bread for his toast? Make it with brown!

Does he like cold milk with his cereal? Heat that milk up!

Toast with jam and butter? Nah! You're pregnant, you don't have the energy to toast the bread AND put toppings on it.

Maybe the only way to get him to do his own breakfast is for him to realise that only he can do it the way he likes.

@KenDodd Ex would have encouraged me to abort my pregnancy had I been carrying a girl - in his eyes they are second-class citizens. After son 2 was born he had his perfect family.

He's been on the phone to his dad for an hour and has now pulled down his entire bookcase in his room

And his punishment for behaving so badly is........... ??

Ignore it. Leave it on the floor.

The government has set out their expectations for independence which you can send to your ex if you like. It shows what you haters should be able to do independently at various ages to not be falling behind in their chances of being an independent adult. We in SEN use it to plan targets for our kids. You can find it here with the age related expectations:
www.preparingforadulthood.org.uk/downloads/education-health-and-care-planning/pfa-outcomes-tool.htm

I think it would reinforce that a 13 year old can do simple food prep

Keep strong. You need to switch from being sad about this to being angry. Your sadness will be perceived as weakness in his simplistic mind, because his father has made such a strong psychological impression on him. Be calm, be stoic, and keep repeating that he’s old enough for more to be expected of him, and that you are doing him a favour by having high standards of behaviour. Tell him you’re disappointed in him when he acts out like that. He’s not a toddler and he doesn’t need to be pulling books off the shelves when he’s angry or upset.

You need to be fully determined in your own mind of the rightness of your position, and then you need to project a strong and determined attitude.

I also feel that there are probably valid reasons for his behaviour (which does not in any way excuse it). Being 13 is hard. Perhaps read up on love bombing and give it a go. But not in an ingratiating, apologetic way.

I've left it and come upstairs for a breather. He's even following around the house trying to wind me up. Exactly the same behaviour I had from his father 6 or so years ago.

We had planned a birthday lunch for youngest but that's now ruined.

...but there s more to it...he s clearly also hurting and jealous of new baby.

@Embracelife And this is made so much worse by his father constantly winding him up about how horrendous life is going to be with a baby that is "not even related to him."