To expect my almost 13 yo to make his own breakfast?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

Just that really.

I share care with my not-nice ex who is citing that I am a "neglecting" parent for expecting this. At his house, his (unemployed) much younger gf does this every day for both boys. He is claiming I am making eldest "go hungry."

I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fiancé and I'm desperately trying to get my boys (youngest is 10) to become more independent.

My eldest asked me at 10.45 today to get his breakfast because "he never has to at his dad's."

Neither son does anything around the home and I feel like their servant.

AIBU?

@Weenurse Couldn't agree more. He will only be happy with a gf who is willing to play the subservient maid! Let's hope he earns a huge amount like his father then, because there's got to be something keeping her?

My ex was raised doing exactly what he pleased - there were literally no boundaries - so I wonder how much of an effect that has had on his own parenting?

@Weenurse He won't do it. He is adamant it's MY job and that I'm a lazy mother.

I would just say ‘no, I’m not, my job is to teach you how to be independent. We agree to disagree, there is the cereal or go hungry ‘
I know you are trying to complete to keep custody, but I think you are fighting a losing battle. As soon as he gets a choice, he will go to his Dad for an easy life.
Sorry

@Weenurse So basically I will lose my 12 yo son because his dad wipes his arse for him (metaphorically speaking). I hope the courts don't agree.

Tell him to make breakfast and lunch, im sure he will get hungry before you make dinner.
His attitude stinks.
Im sorry op, you must be so disappointed.
On the other hand im wondering why this is an issue that's coming into focus now.
Hes nearly 13, this should be a well established routine.
Have you been running around after them until now when maybe your partner is telling you they're taking the piss, and you're tired from being pregnant?

@blubellsarebells It's become much more of an issue in lockdown. I can't tell him I'm tired because I'm pregnant because he's FURIOUS I'm pregnant in the first place

Because I'm normally at work ft and they're at school.

To be clear im not blaming you at all and i appreciate this must be really difficult and stressful for you.
I just cant imagine my ds turning round in 2 years and saying you should make me breakfast or you're a lazy mother, me making his breakfast every day is so far in the past already.
But then mines not got a poisonous arsehole dripping in his ear.
Im sorry your ex is such a bastard.

I've been ill in bed all day so DS (15 and 13) have had to fend for themselves. I suspect they've only eaten tins of soup and super noodles but that's their choice.

13 is definitely old enough to make his own breakfast!

I am trying to think of a word suitable enough to describe your ex and his attitude, slime does not seem bad enough.

Everyone is more stressed and high strung during lockdown that is for sure.
Im sorry you're having to deal with this.
Please dont let your ex and your son ruin your pregnancy, im sure your son will mellow once baby is here.
Give him the space to backtrack and be a responsible big brother.
Hows the younger one? Is he looking forward to baby?

I wouldn't be making breakfast for kids that age YANBU , my middle child is 9 and my eldest is 11 , they like to have toast with beans or plum tomatoes on so they make that themselves for breakfast , I l cook veggie sausages and hashbrowns while I'm doing dinner a couple of times a week and they will heat that up in the microwave or I'm make pancakes that they hear up or they have yogurts , fruit and cereal they just help themselves , if I'm having a shower or getting dressed and my youngest gets up my dd (9) will make my youngest ds(4) breakfast , they just use the microwave not the hob obviously but it's good they do it themselves , my eldest ds(11) unloads the dishwasher in the morning and then loads the breakfast dishes too .. It's teaching them to be responsible for themselves ! Don't let there dad turn them into another him , you did amazingly leaving hi m!

I hope he does mellow, although he continues to refer to her as the "shitty-arsed baby." He also said (and I quote): "At least it's not a retard - dad said it would be because of your age."

But it's OK because if his dad gets him full-time he will never have to see her and I will have to pay maintenance which dad is going to put straight into his Trust Fund. That will teach me for selfishly getting pregnant ON PURPOSE TOO.

Tonight he told me he might consider seeing me on special occasions such as my 40th birthday this year.

I can't describe how much my son is hurting me right now.

My 11 year old son brings us fresh coffee (cafetière) and tea in bed most mornings and is perfectly capable of making himself toast, cereal and whatever for breakfast. He's crap at cleaning up after himself right enough - but then so is my 18 yr old DD, and my 50 year old wife.

A chauvinist in training. How delightful.

for you, im sorry your son is hurting you, i understand, i would be heartbroken if mine behaved like that.
Im sure he will have his moments.
Not sure what to advise but i really feel for you.
Maybe once little one is here things will change, not many people can remain hard faced when presented with a beautiful new born.
As hard as it is just give him the space to grow into what you want him to be, no pressure or expectation, he might, i hope, surprise you.
Personally i would joke about shitty arsed babies, we do swear, but just to take the nastyness out of his dads words, turn it round to an endearment or a family joke, its not like the baby will know what you're saying.

Do you actually want your eldest living with you? I don't mean that nastily as you obviously love him but he's actually being abusive towards you. While I'm sure his dad has played a massive part in this , he's 13 and old enough to know better. The remarks about the baby are just nasty and is,that the right environment for your baby?
When he says things about not seeing you try not to react. Try saying something like "I'm sorry you don't want to see me. I love you and will be here for you if you change your mind but I won't make you see me if it makes you unhappy." Having the attitude of I love you but it's up.to you might make him stop. He says mean things to upset you but if you don't react he might just be surprised and not know what to say.
You might loose him to his,dad but you might not. Hopefully if he does,live with dad he'll realise just how,horrible he's been and come back to you. Or when he's older he might meet a woman who kicks his arse and again he'll realise what he's done.
Do you think there's an actual reason why dad would get custody?

Well as it is 'woman's work' can your ds call your exes girlfriend to come over and make breakfast? I'm sure your ex will have no problem with that.

Your ex is an arse, but you know that.

Sorry I can't offer a magic soloution. I'd be tempted (but I'm always awake early and I'm not pregnant) to wake him up at 6.00am, tell him he has 20mins to get showered and dressed and you will make breakfast, or he can stay in bed and make it for himself.

The way your ex is manipulating your eldest is awful. I am so sorry. Rtft I can't believe how vile he is being. I agree with @Rosebel maybe he will soon realize that the grass is not always greener and eventually seek back to moving back home with you. Sending you a massive hug. Sorry things are so hard for you

Once lockdown is over I’d be tempted to find a cadet unit for you son. Visit a few as they all have slightly different feels depending on the staff and you can certainly mention this is part of a life skill development issue with your kids and hostile ex. They’ll get it.

You can sell it to your son as cool shooting/sports/Music/adventures/holidays with his peers with very little adult supervision depending on what his focus is like. It’ll give him DoE award (if he works for it) and other CV stuff when he’s old enough to need it.

Ex can be told how manly it is - nowt more manly then a military man right?

And your son will be gently ribbed by his peers for not having basic life skills. They’ll help him learn but map reading and ironing and basic meals and cleaning will all be expected. For example he won’t be allowed to go shooting until he shows he can be safe with a firearm- that includes cleaning it. Most units the kids take turns to make the staff tea and coffee - so the staff don’t find out they don’t know how to make a cuppa halfway up a hill in the rain. If he wants to go on a camping weekend he’ll need to sort all his own meals - either individually or as part of a group effort.

It just puts his peers and other adults he respects on your team.

@GemmeFatale that is actually a very good idea

Wow- I have 6 year olds in my class at school who make their own toast and cereal.

My DS6 does his own breakfast (cereal, toast or toaster pancakes) and brings me some as well in bed!!

No reason a teenager can't.

@GemmeFatale that is a great idea

*If he wants to go on a camping weekend he’ll need to sort all his own meals - either individually or as part of a group effort.
*Good idea - my daughter has been doing this with Browne's since she was 7. They also have high expectations of mucking in with cooking and chores and learning life skills