Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I nasty/selfish to not help this man today?

430 replies

newyorkcity9 · 14/05/2020 17:59

Was on my way to work this afternoon (I’m a shift worker) and needed to stop by the office on the way to my call to pick some paperwork up. The parking outside the office is terrible so I normally just pull up on double yellows and run in quickly. I was no more than 5 minutes when I returned to my car to find another car parked in front of me and there were two men standing next to it with the bonnet up fiddling with things.

Just as I was about to get in and drive off, one of the men came up to me and asked if that was my car to which I said yes. He explained he had a flat battery and would I mind if he used my car to jumpstart it, I said no, sorry and explained I was in a rush to get to work (not strictly true but I didn’t want to be rude). The actual reason why I said no was because I felt slightly uneasy letting two random strangers mess around with my car. My car is my pride and joy and also a requirement that I need to do my job (without a car I can’t work).

I have no clue about these sorts of things, but if I did I may have felt slightly better about letting them use it as I could have observed. They could of pressed the wrong thing/broken something and I would be none the wiser.
After I said no, the man kept saying “oh but it’ll only take a minute”. I just reiterated about being late for work and apologised. As I got into my car, he walked away and I heard him mumble under his breath “bitch”, they were also giving me dirty looks when I drove away so I was kind of glad I didn’t help them tbh.

I’m just doubting myself now though. If it was you, would you have helped? I’m a carer so my job is to help people. I had a flat battery a few years ago but my brother helped me sort it, I would of never of thought to ask a random stranger on the street. AIBU?

OP posts:
Scruffyoak · 14/05/2020 19:29

I have had to ask people to jump start me lots of times!

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 14/05/2020 19:31

Very selfish of you in my opinion

Since when is it selfish to say no to something that you worry might harm you or your property?

Fuck that.

TinRoofRusty · 14/05/2020 19:32

Whatever happened to the MN mantra ‘no is a complete sentence’?

Oh, people online are might free and easy with other peoples' property, time, even their bodies and skills. Lots of 'I would of (it's have, FFS)' or be kind, shaming and PA bollocks.

If OP had agreed and something awful had happened to her, people would be saying ‘well she shouldn’t have agreed to help them, why wasn’t she more careful blah blah blah’.

Exactly.

Bubblewings · 14/05/2020 19:32

You should not feel guilty at all - and no one should tell you otherwise. There is absolutely no way I would do this at the request of two strangers. I hope you feel justified in saying no after being called a bitch and being given dirty looks - surely that tells you these men were not decent. They shouldn’t have tried to persuade you either, they should have respected your answer.

SnackSizeRaisin · 14/05/2020 19:32

You were right to say no if you didn't want to help. You don't have to help just because someone asks! I have had a few flat batteries (and other breakdowns). My strategy is to raise the bonnet and wait to see if anyone offers to help. Often they kindly do, but if not, I call my breakdown cover. I wouldn't ask a stranger as I wouldn't want to put them out.

Binterested · 14/05/2020 19:32

God no. We have to learn to listen to our instincts. And then be absolutely robust in acting on them and not worrying about being kind.

Tellmetruth4 · 14/05/2020 19:33

You did the right thing. Covid-19 would’ve been enough for me to want them nowhere near me let alone potentially breaking my car. Ignore the dogooders on here. Never ignore your instincts.

littlejalapeno · 14/05/2020 19:33

To those people saying she could have stayed in the car... only if they closed her bonnet for her surely. And if they hadn’t she would’ve had to have gotten out and closed it, possibly putting herself in danger.

You trusted your instincts OP. You only feel bad because of the idea of “ought” where women are made to feel validated by being helpful. You did the right thing for you in that situation, which sounded a bit dodgy. Don’t give it a second thought and enjoy your evening.

Cosyblanky · 14/05/2020 19:36

I go by a simple saying, if in doubt leave it out. Our subconcious minds pick up on loads of little micro clues which we're not consciously aware of. If you doubt something, or have a gut feeling then it's usually for good reason! I also believe once you've made a decision don't dwell on it, don't worry OP you made the right choice for you. Why should you do something that makes you feel uneasy?

Rtmhwales · 14/05/2020 19:37

I wouldn't be worried how their car died like some people on this thread are implying, like it was nefarious. I parked a few months ago at Starbucks, went in and ordered my coffee (no queue) and was back out in 5 min or less and my car didn't start. It just takes turning it off once if your battery is going to go. Luckily some random man in the car park offered me a jump, but I didn't feel owed it.

Lowprofilename · 14/05/2020 19:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

BackseatCookers · 14/05/2020 19:40

Just look at the level of shaming and passive aggressive nastiness (a la hope it happens to you one day and then you'll know how it feels with a smiley emoticon after) you're getting here to realise just how deeply women are socially conditioned, OP. You felt uneasy. There's a reason for that, that's an entirely valid reason to say no.

This. Fucking hell its been so depressing the vitriol and "hope it happens to you one day" from some posters, especially other women.

When it comes down to it, it's more important to be safe than to be nice.

It's ok to say no if saying yes makes you scared for the safety of you, your property or being around you.

Rebelwithallthecause · 14/05/2020 19:40

The fact that he called you a birch under his breath would have made me think even more so that his intentions weren’t good to begin with

You did the right thing

curlymom · 14/05/2020 19:41

They called you a bitch! They should join the rac. You did the right thing! Social distance...

Rebelwithallthecause · 14/05/2020 19:42

Most cars can easily be bump started

You only need someone to give it a push behind to start with so the fact there was two of them would make me very suspicious as it would have been far easier for them to bump start it with a push (as I have had to do when my car wouldn’t start after not being run for a while in the past)
Unless there was some specific reason they couldn’t bum start it

Zeusthemoose · 14/05/2020 19:43

I'd have helped but then I know it only takes a few minutes and a stranger helped me when my battery was dead. Op your brother helped you but what would you do if your battery was dead and noone you knew was about and the RAC were going to take a while. You wouldn't ask a stranger?

Crystal87 · 14/05/2020 19:45

I wouldn't have either. Yanbu.

1forsorrow · 14/05/2020 19:46

I've helped people in this situation twice, I was using my jump leads though and laughed at one of them, a rather hapless young man who hadn't got a clue and was clearly embarrassed about this 60 years old woman (as I was then) teaching him how to do it. I went into parent mode when he said he didn't know what to do so I said OK I'll do it but you need to watch so you will know next time. I'm not sure he was that grateful to be honest.

The other time I was a young mum in a rush to get DS to nursery and get to work, I stopped to help another mum outside the nursery, I didn't know her but could see she was upset. So I got my leads out, opened the bonnet and attached the leads and told her to start up which she did. An elderly woman was watching me, she was very well spoken and came over and said, "Young women like you make me so proud." I think she thought I was a mechanical genius.

If it was dark or you were somewhere isolated I'd say don't do it but otherwise it is nice to help people. Maybe get some leads and learn how to do it, you never know when you might need a jump start or on the other hand it could give you something to laugh about.

He wasn't nice calling you a bitch so don't worry about it.

DuckonaBike · 14/05/2020 19:46

YANBU. You were right to be careful.

Lockheart · 14/05/2020 19:47

It's not a case of being selfish.

Jump starting modern cars can really damage them.

I wouldn't let anyone near my car unless they were an actual mechanic.

Two strange men on the street are not going to be allowed to mess with my car.

Clymene · 14/05/2020 19:48
  1. A car which has arrived and parked in front of the OP in the 5 minutes that she was in the office is unlikely to need a jump start. That is dodgy as fuck.
  1. Even if it weren't, women are much more at risk of sexual assault or just assault from random men than they are of fatal car accidents or being seriously ill with Covid-19.

The OP was right to trust her instincts.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 14/05/2020 19:49

This is one of those scenarios which makes me feel very sad for women as no man would ever have to feel fear about two unknown men asking a favour. Sadly we do, and a great deal of us would have done the same as you OP.

1forsorrow · 14/05/2020 19:52

@newyorkcity9 I've already explained why I didn't want to help in my op. It was because I don't know how to jumpstart a car and I was worried they may damage something (and I would be none the wiser as I wouldn't have a clue as to what their doing). Which is understandable but maybe get your brother to show you a few basics. When my DD got a car the first thing I did was show her how to check the oil and water, top up the windscreen washer, check the tyres and yes how to use jumpleads. You never know when these things might come in useful, although with a brand new car it is less likely.

Don't beat yourself up now, it is done. Advice from a granny.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 14/05/2020 19:52

Also it's strange how the car wasn't there when you parked up but 5 mins later it was there and ' broken down'hmm

That in spades, that car’s battery was most likely ok, you don’t stop driving and park the car to have your battery recharged in the space of 5 minutes.

Willow2017 · 14/05/2020 19:52

I wouldnt risk my car nor someone else's being damaged. I would wait for roadside assistance. I have before.

20 years ago i had jump starts and gave jump starts no problem. Not now i cant afford a huge garage bill and no car means not getting to work.

Just because someone tries to persuade you to do something doesnt mean you have to risk anything for them.

There are computers in modern cars that control the major and minor functions – jumpstarting your car can damage them
There’s a bigger risk of doing damage when you jumpstart a modern car compared with a pre-2000 model
It is safer to leave the revival of a flat battery to an expert, such as an NRMA technician
A five-year-old Audi was recently taken to an NRMA approved repairer with an electrical system so badly damaged by an attempted jumpstart that, in the end, it was actually cheaper to write the car off rather than repairing the damage.

Well-meaning car owners can do massive damage very easily,”

Special NRMA patrol vehicles are equipped with surge protectors to safely revive a flat battery in a modern car.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread