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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was I nasty/selfish to not help this man today?

430 replies

newyorkcity9 · 14/05/2020 17:59

Was on my way to work this afternoon (I’m a shift worker) and needed to stop by the office on the way to my call to pick some paperwork up. The parking outside the office is terrible so I normally just pull up on double yellows and run in quickly. I was no more than 5 minutes when I returned to my car to find another car parked in front of me and there were two men standing next to it with the bonnet up fiddling with things.

Just as I was about to get in and drive off, one of the men came up to me and asked if that was my car to which I said yes. He explained he had a flat battery and would I mind if he used my car to jumpstart it, I said no, sorry and explained I was in a rush to get to work (not strictly true but I didn’t want to be rude). The actual reason why I said no was because I felt slightly uneasy letting two random strangers mess around with my car. My car is my pride and joy and also a requirement that I need to do my job (without a car I can’t work).

I have no clue about these sorts of things, but if I did I may have felt slightly better about letting them use it as I could have observed. They could of pressed the wrong thing/broken something and I would be none the wiser.
After I said no, the man kept saying “oh but it’ll only take a minute”. I just reiterated about being late for work and apologised. As I got into my car, he walked away and I heard him mumble under his breath “bitch”, they were also giving me dirty looks when I drove away so I was kind of glad I didn’t help them tbh.

I’m just doubting myself now though. If it was you, would you have helped? I’m a carer so my job is to help people. I had a flat battery a few years ago but my brother helped me sort it, I would of never of thought to ask a random stranger on the street. AIBU?

OP posts:
suziesue45 · 16/05/2020 15:02

Strange how the car wasnt there when op went into the building but was there with an alleged flat battery 5 mins later. If you drive your car the alternator charges the battery so that's how cars that stand for a few days normally have flat batteries and need jump starting but cars that have been driving dont suddenly have a flat battery. Definately right to refuse, seems a bit strange to me.

CardsforKittens · 16/05/2020 15:04

OP, my car is 17 years old, and quite scratched and dented (by other drivers, I should mention; I haven’t hit anything in decades). I’d have said no too: jump starts on today’s cars are not as simple as they used to be back in the 80s when I knew stuff about cars.

You’re not required to be helpful just because someone asks for your help. The AA exists for a reason.

Lincolnfield · 16/05/2020 15:09

@CardsforKittens. - you’ve made me choke on my coffee with laughing! Sorry! 😂. It was your line ‘I haven’t hit anything in decades’!

I know I shouldn’t laugh but the implication is that at one time you were busy wrecking other cars or hitting walls and things!

Oh well, we get a few laughs where we can! No offence meant honestly ❤️

highmarkingsnowmobile · 16/05/2020 15:18

Everyone going in about the OPs ‘instincts’ and her not feeling safe. Read her post again. She has never mentioned feeling any anxiety for herself or her safety. Her singular concern was for HER CAR!

So what? People don't owe randoms use of their property.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 16/05/2020 15:25

She has never mentioned feeling any anxiety for herself or her safety. Her singular concern was for HER CAR!

The fact that this thread's still rumbling on 17 pages later, with no end of controversy because a woman has dared to say no to men who asked her for a favour, says much.

The OP didn't help - because she didn't want to. You can dissect her reasoning until the cows come home if that's how you get your jollies, but she needs no more of a reason than that.

Interesting too that people seem so willing to overlook the fact that the man called her a 'bitch' in her hearing. Some posters on this thread need to check their prejudice.

Terralee · 16/05/2020 15:30

There is nothing wrong in saying no to a man!!

norcam29 · 16/05/2020 15:31

No you did the right thing. I wouldn't have got out of my car either as a woman on her own is much more defenceless

Rebelwithallthecause · 16/05/2020 15:37

There is nothing wrong in saying no to a man!!

Or to anyone - man or no man Wink

CardsforKittens · 16/05/2020 15:37

@Lincolnfield Grin
There was a wall, actually. I swerved to avoid a rabbit. The wall was fine; the car was not. Police said I should just have hit the rabbit. I understand that swerving can be dangerous but it’s quite instinctive and I hadn’t been driving long. I have since learned how to avoid rabbits and walls!

Puffalicious · 16/05/2020 15:42

OP I can't take YOU seriously- like Lincoln says you don't mention anxiety at any point and yellow lines are there for a reason: you flouted the law for your own gain.

You're is much better. If you could sort out your of/have issues it'd also be much appreciated- it offends me.

Rightbutno · 16/05/2020 15:54

It's ok to say no if you don't feel safe as a single woman. But tbh op it wasn't about that it was about your car. It's also redic that you don't know how a jump start works if you own a car. So overall YABU

iklboo · 16/05/2020 16:40

It's not 'ridiculous' that the OP doesn't know how to jump start a car. I seriously doubt everyone who can drive a car does and, as it's been said countless times already on the thread, it can be detrimental to the car.

In the five minutes (or so) she was inside the men managed to drive up, park it nose to nose with the OP, switch off the engine, immediately try and restart it - presumably more than once to discover 'the battery was flat', open the bonnet and start fiddling around.

It doesn't matter if there was any anxiety or the OP was concerned about her car. She politely said no, they persisted then called her a bitch. She has the right to say no and doesn't have to give anybody and excuses.

iklboo · 16/05/2020 16:40

*any excuses

newyorkcity9 · 16/05/2020 17:27

@Puffalicious you obviously just came on this thread to have an argument. I already agreed with you that I should learn the basics about cars (and I've already asked my brother to show me a few things once I get a day off work), but yes from my point of view you have come across quite rude, correcting my spelling etc. I'm happy to admit, I have no clue how to look after a car and I'm also shit at spelling Grin if that makes you happy, then good for you.

....... anyway! Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who shared their opinion. After reading all of your comments, I am glad now I didn't help. I admit, I probably was being a tad bit precious about my car but as already explained I'd saved up for years to afford it and it's also vital I have it for my job, so I couldn't take the risk of it being damaged. I also did feel quite justified once he called me a bitch anyway. The one thing I've learned from this thread is to learn how to look after my car and my brother seemed incredibly excited when I asked him yesterday to teach me a few things. 😂 wish me luck!

OP posts:
newyorkcity9 · 16/05/2020 17:34

@Lincolnfield, sorry, but how on earth would you know if I've been gossiping with colleagues or not? A really strange assumption to make tbh. I had to run in to get paperwork for my job. I definitely was only 5 minutes but hey ho...

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 16/05/2020 18:09

Her singular concern was for HER CAR!
And?
I wouldnt want to risk my car either as i cant afford £££s to repair it while having to pay for taxis to get to work on time!

Btw Which part of you dont need a reason nor explain why you said no is so difficult?

Puffalicious · 16/05/2020 18:22

OP no arguments here, I just think you were being unnecessarily precious. I think it depends on your culture, some, including mine, means it's second nature to help people.

The of/have comment was clearly tongue in cheek- keep your hair on.

newyorkcity9 · 16/05/2020 18:27

Fair enough @Puffalicious, apologies if I've been defensive.

OP posts:
newyorkcity9 · 16/05/2020 18:31

Thank you @Willow2017 Smile

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 16/05/2020 18:35

Thank you for your apologies, that's very gracious, but there's no need as you've done nothing wrong: you defended your position and I gave an opinion, what MN is all about.

I'm glad your brother is going to show you the ropes, you'll both enjoy it and you'll definitely feel more prepared and safer. Best of luck.

newyorkcity9 · 16/05/2020 18:49

Thank you @Puffalicious

OP posts:
PhoneLock · 16/05/2020 18:58

but cars that have been driving dont suddenly have a flat battery. Definately right to refuse, seems a bit strange to me.

They do if the battery is past it and needs replacing. They don't hold their charge so go flat very quickly.

Justaboy · 16/05/2020 22:17

They do if the battery is past it and needs replacing. They don't hold their charge so go flat very quickly.

Exactly that. In a car the main power comes from the Alternator thats the device that generates the power when the engines running the battery just stores it, mainly to get the car started by the starer motor which turns the engine to get it to go., That however takes a lot of current, several hundred amps to do that function, around 400 for a small family car to around a 1000 amps for a bIgger SUV type.

The battery hasnt changed much over the last hundred years it a chemical store of lead metal plates in sulphuric acid when power is put into it then that causes chemical changes to the acid electroyte. When power is neeeded the chemical action reverses and produces leccy.

However if the battery has aged then it wont perform that function as well it may have enough energy to light up a few lamps in the car probally say 10 amps or so but the starter motor needs the hundreds of amps so the usual click of the styarter motor swich it may grunt a bit as it tries to run the engine and the lights willdo t and thats it no start hence the need to the "jump" start from another vehicle's battery.

Now this can happen to a car with a good battery as these days all cars have imobliser sytstem that draws a bit of power maybe less then half of an amp the battery has say 50 amps hour storage so that means it will run down if left unused or not charged up for a while manbe a few weeks thats why airport car parks have a man you can come and give you a jump start, once the engines running the battery will recarge and alls well:)

However again it can well be that the Alternator is not working that well, good devices much better then the Dynamo of old!, this can happen if the so called "fan belt" is a bit loose and it slips so the alternator can not run at its rated speed and output that to can give the impression that the batterys duff, and the battery isnt duff, its just not getting charged as it ought!

If the alternator devlops a fault the IGN light or BATT or ALT lights will warn you that this is happening so the battery then has to supply the car power needs so you need to get it fixed ASAP, else you wont be going anywhere! no cars or diesel will run without power!

So matey and co most likey had a car with a duff battery then got going via a jump start the battery being duff either wasnt holding the charge or probally hadnt been running long enough to be recharged it does take time. So they parked next to OP to rob the bank, get some fags or baccy, got back in the car tried to restart |!! damm !! bloody batterys flat again need another jump start to get it running again hopelly this time to vist Kwick Fit to get a new one but thay needed a start! saw the OP and her nice Audi and thought she'll helps us out and when she didn't they probally said somethimng not niace and muttred "bitch" and thats that!

And before the lecture is over just one other thing! You'll probaly have expeerenced that somtimes on sudden cold winter mornings the battery seems to have gone flat and won't start the car?

Whys this? Simples!, remeber its a chemical reaction that makes the power?, well chemical reactions work better at higher tempertures so much lower temps the reaction is much less battery aging so not as good as it was, car cold, Oil more sticky then it was due to lower temps more power needed by starter motor to turn the engine over, poor old battery gets more demand that it can deliver so car? no go!!

TehBewilderness · 16/05/2020 22:29

Modern cars get in trouble sometimes after sitting a while because there are so many things drawing on the battery when the car is not running. I have to put mine on the charger if it sits two weeks without my having the foresight to disconnect the hot lead.

I probably would have helped the men who asked if I was not running late, but it would be me doing the connections with my battery jumper cables in accordance with best practices.
You had no way of knowing if they were or were not scammers so you made the right call.
Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

SharonasCorona · 16/05/2020 22:42

OP, you did the right thing, you trusted your instincts.

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