To have no sympathy for alcoholics?

[Macrometa]

I'm the adult child of one, my life has been nothing but completely miserable because of it.

Today in my home town the newspaper ran a story about an alcoholic man who trespassed into the cancer department late at night. He stole two bottles of alcohol sanitizer from a fridge and drank them, he vomited sick and blood on the floor, urinated on the floor and then ripped down a cubicle curtain. He was found by a frightened cleaner the next morning.

The comments are full of people feeling sorry for the bloke, yet no concern for the cleaner who had to deal with the aftermath or the hospital who are now down on vital supplies and have to pay for repairs.

AIBU to have no sympathy for alcoholics?

I don't think it's a brain disease, more a personality disease. Alzheimer's is a brain disease - you can't stop having Alzheimer's.

YANBU at all.

Anyone who has lived with an alcoholic knows that YANBU.

Any 'recovered' alcoholic will know YANBU

YABU to expect everyone to see it as you do though. Not everyone has had to deal with an angry, destructive, selfish tour de force that is an alcoholic family member. Some that have have not managed to do the Great Disentanglement. It took me longer than it should have, to my own detriment.

Because of the probable genetic aspects and the obsessive component there will always be that split between the ideas that alcoholism is an actual illness, or that it is a condition that is self- inflicted by the individual.

To be absolutely honest, I don't care! I just never want to have to deal with one ever again - impossible as BIL is still with us, somewhat miraculously! And I have little to no sympathy for any alcoholic such as the one in your OP.

I don't have to have. I have copious amounts of sympathy for their family and friends. And I have huge admiration for anyone who manages to get their alcoholism under control. But no, I have no sympathy for the active, destructive alcoholic. I fear and loathe them, with good reason, hard experience.

I understand where you are coming from, OP. I've learned that it is perfectly possible to pity someone and at the same time resent them, be angry with them, come close to hating them. It's how I still feel about my alcoholic late husband - he put us through hell for years, until I walked away. I wished him dead many times and when he did die, 8 months after being removed from the family home by the police, most of what I felt was relief. But the pity is there even so.

I feel the same way about my mother, who became an alcoholic after my dad died.

You don't owe that man in the paper or your mother any sympathy, but I do hope there will come a time when you find it easier to accept the feelings you have - they do burn up a lot of emotional energy.

I can’t believe that someone has just compared alcoholism with pedophilia

It couldn't have been me, because I would seek or accept help long before it escalated to that point.

Addiction is a progressive thing which begins as a choice. If somebody chooses to abuse alcohol or drugs as a maladaptive coping mechanism they already know that they're risking addiction.

There are other, better options when you are in emotional pain.

We are fortunate to have an NHS who fund the need for antidepressants, counselling, psychological help.

Why pick up a bottle/needle rather than make a GP appointment? It all begins with choice.

I was married to an alcoholic. He destroyed me and our family. The utter disregard for the security and safety of his family and himself was very difficult to deal with and still be able to feel sympathy for him. My mental health has never recovered and I see him still prioritising alcohol over providing for or supporting his children. He used family money to support his habit leaving us with nothing and I see him now working his way round family members for money from them. He is by no means in the gutter, he makes good money but as soon as he does, he stops work and goes off on a drinking bender - his job supports this. When its gone, he works again and round and round it goes. I can't sympathise because everyone around him suffers far more than he does. He is drunk and that is all he wants to be, he cares for nothing else. The constant cycle of drinking, chaos, guilt and sentimental messages is intolerable. He is the centre of everything and we are just bit players and his audience.

I think people with no experience of growing up with an addict can not understand how much they take and just how consuming it is. They destroy everything.

I don't think anyone "chooses" to be an alcoholic and it's simplistic and ignorant to say that they do, any more than someone "chooses" to be schizophrenic or bipolar or have cancer. There's load of evidence that it's a mix genetic and psychological/trauma factors. Which doesn't negate the harm that an alcoholic can do or mean that someone who has been damaged by them needs to keep them in their life. Much like someone who has any other severely mentally unwell person in their life may feel or express anger, or protect themselves.

I say this as someone who lived with an alcoholic for many years and he was a total nightmare. He did a huge amount of damage to me and everyone who loved him. But he also basically destroyed himself. It's just one of those really shit illnesses and it sucks.

It is a terrible illness. There is very little help available. Many people who become addicted to alcohol or drugs have been through horrific experiences in their lives. They are damaged.
It is horrendous living with an alcoholic, but it isn't simply that they are doing it deliberately.

I think it's important to remember that adult addicts have far more options than the children in their care

Macrometa You have no idea how you'd react. No idea at all. None of us do until we're in that situation.

I can’t believe that someone has just compared alcoholism with pedophilia

Why not? Is it a choice or an illness? Do you feel pity or condem? Both cause horrific damage to the innocent, it is a valid comparison.

I think it's easier to have sympathy for addicts from afar and a lot more difficult when you are taking the brunt of their negative behaviour.

Very true, IME addicts have enough sympathy for themselves to spare.

I have sympathy for SOME alcoholics but some do chose that life, I once spoke to a man in his mid 30s about his addiction and getting help and his response was that why stop drinking when he could get signed off for it and stay at home? Getting help and sober meant coming off benefits and going to work, responsibilities he wasn't ready for so it was easier to drink and stay in and get paid for it.

No sympathy from me here. However those who have genuinely fought this and become better people well done!

I can’t believe that someone has just compared alcoholism with pedophilia I think that was the point!!

I am going to fucking scream if one more person states that people who have some sympathy for alcoholics have never lived with one. Some of us have been there and still can have some pity for people suffering from addiction. That doesn't mean that they have no self-responsibility, that their behaviour was acceptable or that their loved ones owe them any sympathy or anything at all.

In general I would have sympathy with anyone consumed by addiction.
I don't condone dickhead behaviour for anyone. It was selfish dickhead behaviour being an addict doesn't excuse it.
My addicts have been messed up somewhere along the line, drugs, alcohol, food even smokers, it can't be easy to wake daily craving the thing that is destroying you.

I feel sorry for him because he must be in the darkest grips of addiction. How desperate and low must one be to do this? How far down sunk must he be? For his life to spiral to be like this? You know fuck all about his life and what he went through. He sounds very miserable and very ill.

I hope someone shows you the compassion you lack for this man when you need it most.

The stigma around addiction and demonising addicts does more damage than good. It does not motivate. You cannot shame someone into sobriety. Stop with the cruelty.

Very well put

During covid south africa banned alcohol and tobacco, the rate of domestic abuse dropped enormously. I suspect that is why they banned it knowing folk locked up with both take it out on family.

It is really sad that so many people on here are so awful about us. Yes, I say us. I had a serious alcohol addiction until I finally kicked it 7 years ago. I was a nasty, violent tempered, unkind shitty piece of work and I know a lot of people gave up and despised me. I can tell you though, no one hated me more than I hated myself. I don't want sympathy to be honest, as I know how dreadful I was, but some thought as to how on earth someone - in my case a young girl of 16 got to become this alcoholic for over 30 years really is needed. I wont go into why it happened, and yes, thousands of people go through hell and don't end up alcoholics, but it's not normal to be an addict and there are always reasons.
I'm lucky I managed eventually to stop and become the person I always should have been and now I work with 'me's' and try to get them there too.

I have more sympathy for the people whose lives they are ruining.

And yes, I HAVE lives with one.

*lived

They need to pull their fingers out and get their act together.

Yeah - like the mentally ill just need to pull themselves together

My mum is an alcoholic. I have various opinions on addicts depending on each individual case, but my number one feeling is sympathy. Addictions often go a LOT deeper than the physical dependency. They need our support not our judgement.

I've written this story before

But an old friend of mine was an alcoholic

I'd spent 35 years trying to help her. Be her fiend etc.

I've never seen anything like it. The lying. The stealing. The vomiting. The blood in most orifices. The behaviour. The smell

It ruins you. It ruins your life. Your children's life. People around you

It never goes either. Some can manage it and those need a damn medal. But most can't.