To have no sympathy for alcoholics?

[Macrometa]

I'm the adult child of one, my life has been nothing but completely miserable because of it.

Today in my home town the newspaper ran a story about an alcoholic man who trespassed into the cancer department late at night. He stole two bottles of alcohol sanitizer from a fridge and drank them, he vomited sick and blood on the floor, urinated on the floor and then ripped down a cubicle curtain. He was found by a frightened cleaner the next morning.

The comments are full of people feeling sorry for the bloke, yet no concern for the cleaner who had to deal with the aftermath or the hospital who are now down on vital supplies and have to pay for repairs.

AIBU to have no sympathy for alcoholics?

Are there no doctors, nurses or patients in this hospital? Literally no one noticed this man?

I too am the daughter of two alcoholics and I have very little time for addiction especially alcoholism. I am now a mum myself to a DS aged 9 and I would do anything for him so it does piss me off that some aspects of my childhood were ruined because of addiction. My dad left the family home when I was 8 and wasn’t really involved in my upbringing although we did have a relationship but he then died when my DS was 10 days old from throat cancer brought on by years of drinking and smoking. I was mainly raised by my mum who was awful when drunk but as an adult I learnt to accept her for her limitations as it was the only way to not let the resentment consume me. I’m glad that I was able to do that as we managed to have quite a good relationship over the past few years and I will be forever grateful about that as she died by suicide a year ago but of course couldn’t go out without causing even more pain than needed; I got an I love you text (I was usually the antichrist) and my younger brother got a vindictive nasty chain of texts which made no sense as he was 1000% her favourite and the golden child so to leave him with that was so mean but she was drunk of course and didn’t mean it at all but imagine having that as your last correspondence. So while I am of course devastated that she’s not here anymore and I’m still grieving, I’m also mad as hell at her for that. I should maybe be more sympathetic but my feelings matter too. Try to accept your mother for her limitations but don’t feel guilty for having a limit and losing sympathy as you and your mental health matter too. Xx

My brother was an alcoholic, it killed him at a young age, he caused untold trouble, destroyed my mother and in the end had to get a protection order so he couldn't go there.

Ringing us 100 times a day, turning up, causing problems etc.

Do I have sympathy? Yes, I do, he was clearly unwell and missing something in his life that meant he couldn't fight the addiction. I've surmised many times what that could be, but I will never know.

He didn't want that life, he didn't enjoy that life, he just lived from one drink to the next and was filled with bitterness and hatred.

I miss the brother I had before he started drinking and I mourn the brother that died lonely, angry and with no dignity.

He didn't "choose" drink in my opinion.

@inextremis
Yes agree. I've always thought this. We don't go round saying poor smack head hes got an illness.
I bet it that guy who broke into the hospital was off his face on crystal meth people wouldn't have been as sympathetic. Strange world.

@Drogonssmile Thank you. I hope my post didn't upset you and the others here who have recovered. I'm not a cruel person, all my life I have worried and cared about others, I just can't find it in me any more to give a toss about people who impact others to this extent and take no responsibility.

As above, I have nothing but respect for those of you who have come out the other side. Truly.

Anyone who knows alcoholics know they don't just wake up one day in the grips of an addiction, it's something which happens gradually and they go from its just a drink to 20 being normal, their tolerance increases as their ability to behave like a functioning person decreases (I.e. behaving normally, compassionately, understanding the needs of others and how their actions affect them). They have periods of good and bad parts of themselves showing through which makes it so much harder for those around them as they see glimpses of the (sometimes nice, willing to change) person then the self-absorbed, self-pitying, stubborn, reality-denying addict pops back to take over and bring everything crashing down. No 'normal' person would drink hand sanitiser or break into a cancer ward. This person is clearly in crisis and their actions are affecting innocent folk around them massively. I hope the cleaner and the individual get appropriate support.

I can totally see why people actively loath alcoholics, I can totally see why people pity and feel sympathy for them. Your experiences and interactions with an addict can really shape your view of them (and rightly so).

To deal with a really deep-rooted addiction you almost have to suspend all emotion in your dealings with them and you have to let them fall to a point they want help. If they don't desperately want to change they never will and you'll only get hurt trying to lead them if they're not at rock bottom and ready.

I will say that, as with most illnesses or handicaps etc, just because someone has an illness it doesn't mean they can't also be a complete arsehole underneath it too! Some people simply don't care about others and never will.

I hope you are able to protect yourself from your mother OP, and get some help yourself if you aren't already receiving any to process all the shit you've had to go through - it sounds an awful lot for one soul to have had to go through and still be dealing with the effects of . You deserved better and you still do.

at the risk of sounding harsh
People with addictions can be severely dysfunctional toxic and damaging to others, I don't think it's remotely harsh to say you wouldn't want to get involved with one.
Why would anyone willingly expose themselves to harm?

I feel terribly sorry for drug addicts, while still acknowledging the harm that they cause. Again, it is possible to have sympathy for more than one group at a time.

I have experience of alcoholism in my immediate family. Although I'm not religious, I try to have a "hate the sin, love the sinner" attitude towards them, but at times it's very hard and I struggle to feel much beyond anger at their selfishness. Oddly (or perhaps not, who knows) I find it easier to have sympathy for other alcoholics like the man in this story than 'mine'. I do pity anyone who is in the grip of an addictive illness - and it is an illness, there is a genetic component to why some people can drink in moderation and some people become dependent on it, so it's not as simple as being a choice - but pity and forgiveness are not the same thing, and sometimes I find it hard to forgive.

I'm conflicted, OP.

DP's sister is an alcoholic and seeing the effect her behaviour has had on him, on their mother, as well as being on the receiving end of her verbal insults... I'm not at the point yet where I can feel any kind of sympathy for her as a person. I don't know if I will ever get to that point. She has caused so much damage to so many people.

But I agree with Wolff. Her primary relationship is with alcohol. She has alienated everyone in her life. She has no friends. She doesn't see her family. The only one to stand by her is her mother who, rightly or wrongly, enables her behaviour because she is unable to cast her aside.
That is something to be pitied, I suppose.

I have an alcoholic parent and several grandparents.

I have sympathy for any one who suffers from an addiction and pity. It's a sad and often lonely life to live that takes you to really shit places and situations.

I dont think by the time an addiction has taken hold it isnt as simple as make a better choice.

I also have sympathy for people around addicts who suffer as a result. I dont think it's an either or case scenario.

I choose not to let anger take over my life. It's a completely wasted emotion. I have had counselling and attended Al-anon. I set my own boundaries now and while I have a relationship with my parent I dont get angry any more. I cant change them so it's my choice to have them in my life or not if I dont want to.

The past cant be changed so I see no benefit living in it.

My own life and experiences doesnt mean that I dont have empathy for the experiences other people have. All alcoholics in the world arent my parent. They arent responsibile for my parents actions.

Sorry @Macrometa I didn't finish my post, I meant to go on and say that although that's how I feel, you don't need approval to have your feelings.

Your feelings are just as justified.

And yes, living with an alcoholic is very very hard.

my mum is an alcoholic i dont feel any sympathy at all all self inflicted

Zero sympathy here. What annoys me even more is that it's always someone else's fault, never their own. I have even less sympathy for drug addicts.
I had a shitty upbringing, I'm not an alcoholic - it isn't hard to be a decent member of society. I don't understand why people can't take control of their own problems.
It isn't a disability and shouldn't be treated as such - they have control over their own lives and chose to be that way so should have to suffer the consequences.

I have sympathy for both the man and the cleaner. Shame this is considered news.

@LifeOnAshes you are describing my brother, it's the same pattern.

In the end we did get a court injunction to keep him away from our mum, he'd turned very violent.

@catfeets very well said

You sound like you enjoy being a victim, OP. Yes I have sympathy for them as they are troubled souls who need help.

i completely agree with you@Macrometa having also been dragged up until age 14 by 2 alcoholics. I was lucky in that a friends parents took me in&after completing uni i moved overseas..i have zero sympathy with that arsehole or any other addict.

I am an Alcoholic,I have been sober 17years.

You have zero understanding @Macrometa,perhaps go and research Alcoholism and also you could phone Al-anon and get some help for yourself,you clearly need it.

And you have zero understanding of what it is like living with an alchoholic. Get some empathy for other people, you clearly need it.

Overweight people don't tend to destroy peoples lives though. They are only harming themselves.

This is not true. A very quick google just showed me that the NHS directly spends £16 billion a year on conditions related to being overweight and obese.

Also, this condition does have an effect on the people around them. For starters they worry about that persons health, they cannot participate fully in their children's lives as their size and health impedes this. My SIL was morbidly obese, she had a massive heart attack and now my 2 nephew have no mother.

I do feel sympathy for this man because I've always thought that alcoholism must be related to deep unhappiness. I don't see how it is an illness though. What do you do, walk into the Docs and say Doc, I keep waking up in a field, with loads of bottles around me, with a massive hangover. I've got all red veins in my cheeks. Then the doctor says "you have alcoholism" and then everyone is like Oh, at least we know what it is now. We can take some antibiotics for it. Whilst I feel sorry for them and how they have got to that point, I don't see it as an illness.

Hi OP. Like some others on this post I am also a recovering alcoholic. What that man did was awful and yes he doesn’t deserve your sympathy. I go cold when I read stories such as that. Whilst I never behaved that badly I still feel immense shame and embarrassment for the things I did when I was under the influence.

Are there any MH issues with your Mum? I ask as my addiction developed after some fairly traumatic events which sent me into a deep depression and the alcohol became my crutch. Whilst I don’t use that as an excuse and I should have definitely seeked help sooner, it wasn’t a case of just being selfish and deciding to go down that route. It really does take you over completely.

I have sympathy for both.

You sound like you enjoy being a victim, OP. Yes I have sympathy for them as they are troubled souls who need help.

You sound as if you enjoy being holier-than-thou and have no empathy for what it is like living with an alchoholic. ' Morally bankrupt' doesn't even touch the sides of their behavour.

I'm so sorry to the posters up thread who have lost loved ones.

I had a shitty upbringing, I'm not an alcoholic - it isn't hard to be a decent member of society. I don't understand why people can't take control of their own problems. It isn't a disability and shouldn't be treated as such - they have control over their own lives and chose to be that way so should have to suffer the consequences.

That is how I feel.

My mother had a lovely childhood in comparison to what she gave me, she grew up in a loving two parent family full of care and joy. I know this to be true. There have not been any traumatic events that I'm aware of.

I got dragged up, neglected, abused and put in the path of sex offenders and abusers. I've had nothing but trauma my entire life. I have never turned to alcohol or harmed anybody. I felt the pain I was feeling and I sought help on my own because nobody else was trying to help me.

I had clinical depression, post traumatic stress disorder and panic disorder as a result of the shit hand I've been dealt through no fault of my own. I still haven't behaved like that.

I have tried to help her and she doesn't want it. Many alcoholics have families fighting to help them.

Some just don't give a shit and that's why I don't give a shit about them.

Good point raised that people generally don't feel as sorry for heroin/crack users, at least not in my experience having grown up in a town rife with them.