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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have no sympathy for alcoholics?

494 replies

Macrometa · 14/05/2020 12:16

I'm the adult child of one, my life has been nothing but completely miserable because of it.

Today in my home town the newspaper ran a story about an alcoholic man who trespassed into the cancer department late at night. He stole two bottles of alcohol sanitizer from a fridge and drank them, he vomited sick and blood on the floor, urinated on the floor and then ripped down a cubicle curtain. He was found by a frightened cleaner the next morning.

The comments are full of people feeling sorry for the bloke, yet no concern for the cleaner who had to deal with the aftermath or the hospital who are now down on vital supplies and have to pay for repairs.

AIBU to have no sympathy for alcoholics?

OP posts:
RadioactiveHead · 14/05/2020 13:12

I mentioned the NHS £16B figure to say that by taking up this much of the budget, other people will be adversely affected when it comes to treatment. It doesn't just affect the person, it has a ripple effect in their direct family and collectively on wider society.

Macrometa · 14/05/2020 13:12

You sound like you enjoy being a victim, OP

Fuck right off.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 14/05/2020 13:12

I have two teenage DSDs and their mother in an alcoholic. It’s horrible to see the pain it inflicts on her children, and while it’s frustrating, I also feel sorry for her. She has a mental illness, she’s not enjoying herself when she cracks open a bottle of vodka.

Bartlet · 14/05/2020 13:13

I despise alcoholics and their utter selfishness. They ruin their lives and everyone else who is unfortunate enough to come into contact with or love them. They bully/ manipulate everyone else to do what they want and are completely self-centred. Quite how anyone considers these to the lovable traits is a mystery but also shows how good they are at manipulating people.

pigoons · 14/05/2020 13:14

I have no sympathy. The alcoholic in my family was offered / given so much help and support over the years but placed such a burden on the NHS (they were hospitalised a number of times), took financial and emotional advantage of family members, neglected their children, lied constantly etc.

Alcoholics can change their life around - I know 3 people who have done this. In my experience there is lots of support available for those with addictions but v few are able to turn their lives around. So my sympathy is with those affected by someone else's addiction or for those alcoholics who have accepted the offers of support

Mucklowe · 14/05/2020 13:16

YANBU. No sympathy here either. And I don't think addiction is an "illness".

Maybe83 · 14/05/2020 13:17

@catfeets for me that's a very simplistic view of life and people.

If it's not that hard why do people suffer from mental illnesses? Why does trauma have such a long lasting impact on people? In lots of ways.

The op childhood has created the level of anger she has. Why cant she just get over it?

I think that actually it is hard. It is very hard not to let things that have happened to you shape your behaviours and actions.

I know an alcoholic who lost their entire family in a house fire.

Like it or not the trauma of that is so much they just can not deal with recovery so that they have to process and live with that reality. So instead they have sunk into a horrendous and awful addiction that ultimately will lead to their own death.

They didn't choose that and they were and are a decent person.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 14/05/2020 13:17

Yabu and your posts just illustrates your ignorance, alcoholism is an illness.

You can have both, it’s not one or the other.

BadBear · 14/05/2020 13:19

@ChesterDraw what you said!

Sympathy and responsibility are different things. People who have an addiction are re-taught how to be responsible for themselves.

You can offer an alcoholic all the sympathy but it's also important to hold them accountable for their actions. You're not helping them through sympathy, support is important but accountability is important if you truly want to help them.

TARSCOUT · 14/05/2020 13:19

No sympathy and get really seriously angry when the "it's an illness" ones come along. It is a choice. They choose to be alcoholics. They choose to drink to excess. As the child of an alcoholic I inherited the addiction gene. I have seen and been damaged by his choices. I choose not to be an alcoholic.

Madein1995 · 14/05/2020 13:23

Oh god, I gasped inside a bit reading he drank alcohol sanitizer. How desperate must someone be to do that? How deep in their addiction must they be? I very doubt that when the man was 5 and all his school mates wanted to be drs and pilots and vets, he thought 'I want to be an addict drinking sanitiser'. Yes theres personal responsibility. Any 12 step recovery programme emphasises that. Yiu can still empathise with the man - or at least I can. For the situation hes in, for the state his MH must be in, and for the depth of his despair. I very much doubt that the cleaners 10min encounter was more traumatic than his sorry existence.

Horrified that some people think alcoholics or addicts are somehow a different class of people , and they 'wont have anything to do with them?' How the fuck would you know? I'm a recovering opiate addict. No one apart from my managers, my friends and my NA people. My colleagues dont know. My service users dont know.
Yiure right hes not just an alcoholic. Hes also not just a thief or vandalize. Hes a human being in his own right. Hes a song, a brother, a uncle, a father, a friend, a patient and a service user .... alcoholism and addiction doesn't define someone. And let's stop with all the pious holier than thou bullshit. Addiction happens to anyone . It isnt just for 'those people's. I thought that before. I envisioned addicts as homeless junkies. Until I developed a taste for painkillers and became one myself. And for the record, I've always been a 'functional ' addict . That doesn't mean I'm any better or worse than the next person. Were all capable of being addicts. Whether its through abuse, depression, mental illness, relationship breakdown, bereavement, job loss ... theres no big shield for any of us.

The stigma around addiction is so dangerous and it prevented me from getting help for a long time. I was brought up with an attitude that addicts bring it on themselves. That addicts use illegal drugs or drink til they pass out. That they're always chaotic and homeless and just down and out. That wasnt me. I worked. I bought my drugs offline, and I wore make up. I was so ashamed to be like 'them' and that shame prevented me from getting help.

Oh and aren't you brilliant for getting through horrific things without using? Well done, that's all on you and your morals of course. If only I'd had better morals I wouldnt have started drinking age 11 to deal with horrendous emotional abuse. Silly me! Everyones circumstances are different and no one knows this mans. Even if we did it wouldnt matter a jot. Because were all individuals and deal work things differently.

Absolutely and completely agree with the personal responsibility btw. No one can change an addict, it's on them to do that. Also agree that families an friends of addicts need to have boundaries and not enable them. Just because I firmly believe in personal responsibility doesn't mean I cant emphasise

I also hate the view of 'hell just do it again.' He might. Or this may be his rock bottom. He may go to treatment. He may go to a 12 step. He may have the desire to stop now. And the desire to stop is the most important of all.
It's never to late until they're dead. I personally know someone who used for 30 years went inside 36 times, went through 3 treatment centres, was homeless, battered his internal organs and was kept alive on a drip, come into recovery and stay clean
I know someone who flat lined twice in an ambulance and after 7 treatment centres and multiple attempts, this was the wake up call he needed
I know someone who endured traumatic abuse and exploitation for drugs, who had kids removed from.her care, get clean and now celebrates 15yrs while working with working girls to help them.
Recovery and sobriety happens
I think for many on this thread it's easy to sit on your high horse and spout about morals and superiority. Lets hope if you ever need.help that people are kind to you

user47000000000 · 14/05/2020 13:24

Only on Mumsnet would you find 52% of people with no sympathy for someone with an addiction.

Biscuit
BiggerBoat1 · 14/05/2020 13:24

This is a very sad, nasty thread.

OP you have clearly suffered terrible trauma and it is understandable that you are bitter. You, of course, are deserving of huge sympathy.

Alcoholism is an illness. Of course it affects the alcoholic and the people closest to them but but it can do so in many different way. Being an alcoholic doesn't automatically mean that you have no empathy with others or no regard for their feelings - even if that was the case with your mother. Just with other illnesses it can manifest in many different ways.

It is not fair that no alcoholic deserves your sympathy. You don't know the triggers for everyone's alcoholism or the way they live with this illness.

Macrometa · 14/05/2020 13:24

I had sympathy once and it has long ran out.

Would people feel sympathy for an alcoholic who beats his spouse because the attacks happen when the drinker is intoxicated as a result of their "illness"?

There has to be a limit. Sympathy cannot be unconditional. Responsibility has to be taken by the person with the addiction.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 14/05/2020 13:24

Mother in law was an alcoholic her DCs had an awful childhood, FIL hired nannies, cleaners, to keep the home going that did not mean the children were not exposed to it. What was the tragedy was that she had 3 children in six years, PND was not recognised all the doctors said EST was the only option FIL declined.

What did turn her round was when her stomach ruptured, booze, prescribed pills and extreme dieting. Consultant took her off every pill for arthritis, I got pregnant first grand child, she was terrified she would never get to see the baby. She never touched another drop.

The downside is I and my SIL have been married to damaged men, it has not been easy at times. They have quite an irrational approach to women drinking alcohol.

Jux · 14/05/2020 13:26

I find it really hard to have sympathy for alcoholics. This is due to my alcoholic uncle living with us when I was a child (no one else would have him). It's a problem for me now as both my sil and my bro are alcoholics, one has lived with us and one lives with us now. I would like that not to be the case, but feel absolutely hopeless about changing it. We have the space, he has the money. We couldn't continue to live here without his help. It's a horrible tangle which adds to the difficulties I have towards alcoholics in general.

RyanBergarasTeeth · 14/05/2020 13:26

Yabu. Alcoholism is a brain disease. I was raised by one and live with one i know its awful but its still a disease they dont choose to suffer from.

EdwinaMay · 14/05/2020 13:26

Do the heron addicted parents of small children deserve our pity?
Do paedopliles deserve our pity? I don't think they wake up one morning and decide to molest children.
Do other sexual deviants deserve our pity?
Do the morbidly obese deserve our pity?
Do problem gamblers deserve our pity?
Do alcoholics deserve our pity?
It's either all or none imv.

TitianaTitsling · 14/05/2020 13:27

So some people seem to have all the sympathy for those who destroy others loves due to their alcoholism, but should those who have been affected by it, say it's upset/damaged them they get grief and told to have sympathy, they have no understanding? Clearly all the #bekind attitude only goes one way.

MamaGothel · 14/05/2020 13:28

I'm the child of 2 alcoholics so I understand your anger but I still think YABU. It's not like he stole a couple of bottles of alcohol and enjoyed them. Drinking hand sanitiser smacks of pure desperation, I can't feel anything but sympathy for someone who has got to that point. If he had even the slightest bit of control left he would not have got to that point. Yes I do feel sorry for the cleaner who had to deal with it as well, but at least he didn't rob some little old lady for cash for a fix. I hope he can get some help.

SonjaMorgan · 14/05/2020 13:28

I do feel some sympathy for alcoholics but unfortunately I do think as a society we are moving away from personal responsibility. There will be a whole range of people who are alcoholics.

I don't think anyone thing can define you. Same with the unwaivering sympathy for people who commit suicide. Not all of them will be nice people.

suchclearwater · 14/05/2020 13:28

have some sympathy. that man could have been you.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 14/05/2020 13:29

YANBU I had a lot of sympathy but I used it all up being married to a violent alcoholic. 4 years of abuse because of his drinking and 40 years of therapy to try and get over it. I have no more sympathy left to give.

AvoidingTheWineAisle · 14/05/2020 13:29

Obviously a very emotive and divisive issue, judging by the responses here....

vampirethriller · 14/05/2020 13:29

My father is an alcoholic, has been his whole adult life. I was too for a long time. I was a heroin addict, crack and cocaine addict and homeless too. I never stole anything. Never broke into anywhere. I don't have sympathy for anyone who does that, but I do know what it's like to be desperate, and I'm sorry he is in that state.