To have no sympathy for alcoholics?

[Macrometa]

I'm the adult child of one, my life has been nothing but completely miserable because of it.

Today in my home town the newspaper ran a story about an alcoholic man who trespassed into the cancer department late at night. He stole two bottles of alcohol sanitizer from a fridge and drank them, he vomited sick and blood on the floor, urinated on the floor and then ripped down a cubicle curtain. He was found by a frightened cleaner the next morning.

The comments are full of people feeling sorry for the bloke, yet no concern for the cleaner who had to deal with the aftermath or the hospital who are now down on vital supplies and have to pay for repairs.

AIBU to have no sympathy for alcoholics?

Overweight people don't tend to destroy peoples lives though. They are only harming themselves.

I have a morbidly obese friend. He's a lovely person and doesn't blame his problems on others, nor does he cause pain and suffering to his family.

People have a lot more sympathy for alcoholics than they do for overweight people it would seem by the responses so far

I think this is fair. Posters on MN often dismiss how addiction-like overeating or binge eating can be. People who have a healthy (or unhealthy restrictive) relationship with food will post diet tips or about counting calories believing it's as simple as choosing not to overeat.

I know where you are coming from OP as my grandmother was a narcissistic alcoholic although from your pp my life has not been anywhere near as blighted / affected as yours . When my Nan finally died it was an absolute relief for our family . I won’t go as far as saying I have no sympathy for addicts but I have little time for them .

I think your own feelings towards your mother may be clouding your judgement op understandably so. However I feel terribly sorry for the man who must have felt so desperate in the grips of his addiction to break into a hospital and drink hand sanitizer! Those are the actions of a very unwell person and yes i have every sympathy for him as well as the cleaner and hospital staff. I also grew up with someone very close to me who is an alcoholic and so I do get how hard it is for families and totally understand why you feel the way you do.

They’re addicts. I stayed with my alcoholic Grandma for school summer holidays, and visited her almost every day and weekend in my 20s.

She’s chased me with a hammer during a drink binge, hit me, beaten up her husband, sat down in the middle of traffic, shoplifted, been sectioned loads of times, turned up drunk and shouting at my workplace, said the most heinous things to me and my grandpa, and I really do mean so heinous they’re unprintable even for Mumsnet, possibly from what I gather been physically and definitely mentally abusive to both her children growing up, both us grandchildren too.

But I’ve also seen her want to die because of the drinking, and sit in the middle of traffic bawling because she wants to be run over, or arrived at her sheltered housing flat to find her in urine stained nightdress unable to bath or feed herself because of the drinking, and witnessed local druggies queueing up almost to ‘borrow’ money off her when she’s in a drink binge phase.

None of her appalling behaviour made me feel unsympathetic it made me want to love and protect her even more, because one by one she lost all respect from family members so was finally left alone with just me.

Blimmin’ alcoholics though, they abuse their bodies mercilessly, don’t eat, don’t sleep properly, and still end up living to their 90s !

My Gran was a drink anything type - gin, spirits, wine, lager - all ‘hidden’ in places she thinks I couldn’t find them, like in the oven, cistern, gas meter shed, decanted into empty milk or pop bottles, . It was bizarrely endearing yet also sinister how efficient a liar she was.

But this is what poison does to you. So no, I’ll always have sympathy for alcoholics.

I agree OP. To some extent, they choose to prioritise alcohol. They know help is there, they see their family upset...but still they choose the booze.

These situations are pitiable I have a certain amount of sympathy but I would not put myself in harms way, the sensible thing to do is distance yourself from people who are dysfunctional in this way whilst encouraging them to get professional help.

The thing is, alcoholics (like other addicts) do this sort of thing. They behave in reckless, abhorrent, socially unacceptable, awful ways that hurt others and disgrace themselves. This is what alcoholism looks like. It is hell on Earth and I truly pity that man.

But I don’t think he needs or deserves your sympathy, OP. He’s not your problem, and to be frank, no amount of pity or sympathy from anyone will change his life for him. He’ll need to do that himself.

I also wouldn’t waste your precious energy being angry at him. Especially if the person you’re really angry with his your mother. Better to address that. It sounds like you’ve suffered a lot and are still suffering. I hope you can find a way to ease your pain .

You’re confusing pity with sympathy, OP, as a pp has pointed out. I’m a child of an alcoholic and it killed my husband. I wrote the bloody book about being angry with alcoholics yet I can still feel pity for them. You don’t think that guy doesn’t despise himself beyond measure? It’s a living death and one which I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Neither would I wish living with an alcoholic on my worst enemy.
There’s a reason that AA describe alcoholics as ‘morally bankrupt’ - and that’s AA, mind - they know who and what they are when in the grip of addiction.

I am an Alcoholic,I have been sober 17years.

You have zero understanding @Macrometa,perhaps go and research Alcoholism and also you could phone Al-anon and get some help for yourself,you clearly need it.

I have sympathy for alcoholics- you don’t get in that sort of state because you’ve had a happy and fulfilling life. That doesn’t abdicate them of responsibility for their actions though. One of my best friends is the child of an alcoholic and the amount he’s put her through is awful.

No sympathy from me.
In no way is it an illness either. It's an addiction. They get ill because they are addicted and cannot withdraw.

I wonder why there is so much sympathy for those addicted to alcohol (oh, it's an addiction, it's a disease etc.) and yet none whatsoever for people addicted to smoking? I'm neither a drinker nor a smoker, so I'm not asking for personal reasons, it just strikes me as peculiar.

If you're going to say that alcoholics only hurt themselves, whereas smokers hurt those around them - a re-read of the OP should tell you otherwise. So why the difference in attitude?

I accept my view is heavily clouded because of my mum, so I won't argue with those who do feel sympathy or try to convince you that you're wrong to.

It just angers me so much.

Yes it is an illness, but it started as a choice. My mother could and would go for days/a week at a time without having a drink and wasn't physically dependent. There was and still is time to make a better choice.

Help is available aplenty, I know this to be true. Grimsby has several alcohol and drug misuse services that house/support/fund rehabilitation/provide antabuse and other medications/therapy.

If they don't want help then why should anybody feel sympathy?

Disclaimer: I do respect those who address the issue and access help for the sake of their families and loved ones.

Agreed OP its ok to have sympathy for these people but when you grow up with a selfish bastard cunt of an addict as a role model and your whole life is watching them piss and shit themselves , cry , say they gonna stop yeah you get pretty fucked off than you never know normal all you know is their grim character
I have every sympathy for you and I'm sorry for everything you have been through
The people with the sympathy for these people have never normally experienced it themselves

I think addiction IS an illness, actually. It’s a mental illness.

If they don't want help then why should anybody feel sympathy
I completely agree, if she won't engage with professional help preferring instead to 'fall' upon friends and family, then friends and family should tell her to fuck right off

Yes there's help but it's a lifelong battle and help doesn't guarantee anything. It doesn't work for everyone, and even when it does they'll likely spend the rest of their life struggling to keep the addiction at bay.

Given your personal experiences it's not unreasonable for you to feel the way you do, but YWBU to expect everyone else to agree.

I'm sorry you've been through so much shit.

I'm in the YANBU camp because it is too close to home for me as well. SIL's husband is an alcoholic, and in a care home. She has had a miserable life, and deserved so much better.

@480Widdio I've researched alcoholism until I was blue in the teeth. I have compassion fatigue for it. I have cared and pitied to my detriment and now I'm just sick to death of it.

You got help, that's brilliant. It can be done. They need to pull their fingers out and get their act together.

The people with the sympathy for these people have never normally experienced it themselves

Wrong, as demonstrated by this thread.

I don't think the OP is obliged to fee sympathy for her Mother, not at all, but I do think that alcoholics generally are worthy of sympathy/pity/empathy whatever you care to call it. No sane person would willingly choose to drink hand sanitiser. There's not much choice involved when you're that far gone.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and in some ways I agree with you. What that bloke did is abhorrent. Alcoholism, as you will know, makes you extremely selfish and you just don't care about anybody or anything except where your next drink is coming from. I am sorry you have to deal with your mum OP. I am still heartbroken by the stress I caused my family over the 10 years of my alcoholism.

I don't have addiction issues, but I do have mental health problems including OCD and severe anxiety.(Amongst others) I have sought help and received it, from various sources. Yes it helped but I still have those issues and will always struggle with them. The help I received was an aid, not a cure. It's similar with alcoholism. Help from the AA and other organisations is only the start of a very long journey. It is not a cure.

I lived with an Alcoholic for a few years and I think it is an illness that needs professional input as well as the alcoholic person really wanting to be into recovery themselves. It is very hard for those emotionally involved to help an addict when they are actively 'using'. The danger of them becoming co- dependent or even enabling is too great. I feel sorry for all involved in the OPs article but only because I am no longer personally involved with an alcoholic. Even recovered addicts can be hard to be with unless they get the proper support to address the reasons they became problem drinkers in the first place. At the risk of sounding harsh I would never become involved with an alcoholic again the risk to me personally is too great.