To have no sympathy for alcoholics?

[Macrometa]

I'm the adult child of one, my life has been nothing but completely miserable because of it.

Today in my home town the newspaper ran a story about an alcoholic man who trespassed into the cancer department late at night. He stole two bottles of alcohol sanitizer from a fridge and drank them, he vomited sick and blood on the floor, urinated on the floor and then ripped down a cubicle curtain. He was found by a frightened cleaner the next morning.

The comments are full of people feeling sorry for the bloke, yet no concern for the cleaner who had to deal with the aftermath or the hospital who are now down on vital supplies and have to pay for repairs.

AIBU to have no sympathy for alcoholics?

This is such a difficult situation, I don’t know the answer to this one. If I were to drink to such excess, it would be a choice but it must be different for some people as I’m sure no-one would ever choose to be an alcoholic and destroy their life like that.

Still a very selfish way of acting and that’s why so many people whose family/friends are alcoholics (or have mental health issues with a similar result) ultimately just have to walk away, to protect themselves.

I wouldn't group all alcoholics together. A relative of mine never displayed this sort of behaviour and he desperately sought help, but it killed him in the end. Some I have sympathy for and others I don't.

Everyone has a story, I've known people like @Darbysmama I've also had a mother similar to yourself. Does my experience with my mother mean I have the right to blanket judge people suffering addiction?

You raise a fair question.

With hindsight, I accept it's not right to blanket judge everybody with an addiction.

Those who try to help themselves I can respect and wish the best of luck. People like my mother who do nothing to help themselves and choose to traumatise everybody else rather than look inwards, I have nothing but disdain for.

@ChalkAndChalk

No sympathy for addicts from me, when they have broken my beloved children in front of my eyes.

I hope for your beloved childrens sake that if any of them were to suffer from addiction, they would get sympathy from somebody, as it’s clear it’s unlikely to be from you, their parent.

I hope for your beloved childrens sake that if any of them were to suffer from addiction, they would get sympathy from somebody, as it’s clear it’s unlikely to be from you, their parent

How about having sympathy for the innocent children who have been broken by an alcoholic now rather than reserving it for if they, hypothetically, become alcoholics themselves.

@Hurdl

I hope for your beloved childrens sake that if any of them were to suffer from addiction, they would get sympathy from somebody, as it’s clear it’s unlikely to be from you, their parent

How about having sympathy for the innocent children who have been broken by an alcoholic now rather than reserving it for if they, hypothetically, become alcoholics themselves.

In which part of my post did I say I have no sympathy for the children?

In which part of my post did I say I have no sympathy for the children?

You didn't need to.

"I hope for your beloved childrens sake that if any of them were to suffer from addiction, they would get sympathy from somebody"

Addiction is an illness. Nobody chooses to be an addict, nobody breaks into a hospital to steal hand sanitizer by choice.

@Hurdl

In which part of my post did I say I have no sympathy for the children?

You didn't need to.

"I hope for your beloved childrens sake that if any of them were to suffer from addiction, they would get sympathy from somebody"

Perhaps you misunderstood what I said, or it doesn’t come across the way I intended it.

My mother (alkie herself) used to complain that the whole concept of codependency was to excuse selfishness. This was the purpose of Al-Anon. My brothers' drug addiction was a big stress on my parents' marriage & probably a factor in their divorce. Maybe 10 yrs after the marriage breakdown my mother finally pressed charges for theft which got my brothers into social care/prison; and that is what got one clean & the other into long term residential care.

Brother2 still tweaks when he can get hold of Crystal. He's not sane or clean, he got Hep-C from the lifestyle, but he's had a much longer lifespan than he would have had if he hadn't been in police custody & assessed by social services.

I hope for your beloved childrens sake that if any of them were to suffer from addiction, they would get sympathy from somebody, as it’s clear it’s unlikely to be from you, their parent.

I just can't see that sympathy ever helped my brothers. Going hard ass on them (getting the police on them) is what finally got them out of the drug spiral. My mother forgave them more than anyone could -- not just for drugs but all the bad stuff they did linked to their addiction. Forgiveness was on offer as long as they were clean, but other forms of kindness didn't help.

This conflict: tough love vs. sympathy came up a lot in online chat about recent The Archers story. I was shocked at how many people thought simple sympathy would fix the situation.

Anyway, being around addicts destroys my own mental health. I am not tough enough to have a lot of them in my life and not become nuts myself. Put me in the selfish bucket if you like.

I voted YABU, but actually... I think alcoholics deserve sympathy but I don't think a person in your situation is being unreasonable not to be able to give that sympathy.

I'm not suggesting sympathy fixes alcoholics at all. But I'd find it hard to consider the life the alcoholic might otherwise have had, the likely horrible way they will die, the pain and probably shame and self-hatred they feel and the circumstances which might have led to them becoming an alcoholic in the first place, and not feel any sympathy. I also look back on my pretty heavy-drinking days in my 20s and think 'There but for the grace of god...' etc.

My first sympathy would go to the child of the alcoholic of course. But fortunately, it's not really a case of either/or.

I don't think I deserve sympathy. But I'd like some understanding. From the parents that brought me up drinking from 18 months old, saying that it was to teach me to drink responsibly. From those parents who allowed their parent to abuse me, after feeding me sherry, and I didn't know any better, because I'd been drinking alcohol from 18 months old. From those parents that I was drinking from 10am with them, because the sun was over the yard arm. That was at 13 years old.

I hate that my kids have an alcoholic as a parent. I'm open and honest about this with them. I do my best to minimise the impact upon them. In doing this, I believe I'm doing better than my siblings, who never told their kids about the alcoholism that runs in our family (both sides) and I see this in their kids to this day.

But yeah. I don't have sympathy for me either.

I do feel sorry for alcoholics. They are largely self medicating mental illness, doesn’t mean I don’t feel frustration that their actions end up affecting the people around them more than themselves. I don’t consider alcoholism to be a disease though, cancer is a disease, dementia is a disease, you can’t suddenly cure yourself from them by choosing to stop drinking.

nbosnz - I don't see how anyone who knows your history could possibly fail to have sympathy for you.

Thank you lazylinguist, that is very kind. I don't have sympathy for myself. I have sympathy for my DH and my children. I don't know how to get the wherewithal to cure myself. Unlike my fucking amazing BIL who did so. Or my Uncle. They humble and shame me.

But, mbosnz, if a child you knew now were having the upbringing you had as a child and they turned out (unsurprisingly) to be an alcoholic as an adult, would you not feel sympathy for them? We are all a product of our upbringing. And yes, some people manage to escape the cycle, but it must be a harder thing than most people ever manage to do in their lives. How many people criticise alcoholics and addicts while they themselves don't have the strength and willpower to do fairly easy things like do some exercise or eat more healthily?

I put YABU, as alcoholism is really a serious illness, and is likely to shorten one's life. Yes, you can avoid it by not taking that first drink; but. as most people can drink sometimes without becoming alcoholics, a person isn't to know that this will be the result.

However, like other illnesses, it doesn't excuse absolutely everything. While I am sorry for this man, unless he is so brain-damaged by now that he doesn't understand what he is doing) it doesn't totally excuse him for trespassing into a cancer ward during a pandemic, breaking all basic rules of hygiene, and putting seriously ill and immunocompromised patients at risk, and giving a great deal of extra work to already overworked staff.

My brother was an alcoholic who died at 50 from grade 4 cirrhosis of the liver. We were all devastated, but he wouldn't/ couldn't stop drinking, and I feel that people don't really understand the mental side of it.

I see where you’re coming from OP, as another adult child of an alcoholic. His alcoholism ruined my childhood, teenage years and virtually every special occasion in my adult life (my wedding, birth of my son, etc).

I do have some sympathy for him in the sense that he clearly has a lot of shit going on that causes him to be this way, and that’s sad. But I also don’t have sympathy for him - because he doesn’t stop because he doesn’t bloody want to.

In my experience most alcoholics don’t need sympathy. They need consequences. That’s what drives them to seek the help they need.

@mbosnz You do deserve sympathy empathy and love sending you a virtual hug.

YANBU. It’s a situation entirely of their own making. They got themselves into it, they can get themselves out of it.

@plodalong12

Oh do fuck off dear. If you knew what my kids had been through, you'd have no time for the person who hurt them. And you certainly wouldn't be making trite comparisons to their imagined potential future and their abusers actual present. Once again just so we're clear, fuck off.

@lazylinguist

But, mbosnz, if a child you knew now were having the upbringing you had as a child and they turned out (unsurprisingly) to be an alcoholic as an adult, would you not feel sympathy for them? We are all a product of our upbringing. And yes, some people manage to escape the cycle, but it must be a harder thing than most people ever manage to do in their lives. How many people criticise alcoholics and addicts while they themselves don't have the strength and willpower to do fairly easy things like do some exercise or eat more healthily?

That is really interesting. Yes, I would have sympathy. Thank you. But I'm not unaware of the impact on my family. And it hurts me. It shames me. I know it hurts them more.

@mbosnz you do realise you've already achieved step 1 of the recovery process? That's a really positive start. What's stopping you entering into recovery fully?

I can imagine the depths of despair he must live in, to sink to that. So yes, I’m sorry but I think YABU.