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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be allowed buy whatever I want for ds?

602 replies

WolfInSlutsClothing · 13/05/2020 13:35

My ds is 18 months old, he is constantly putting his favourite Teddy into his pushchair and trying to wheel it around the house. He will then get really frustrated because the pushchair is so big he can't manouver it properly and will end up throwing a tantrum after a while. This is a daily occurance.

Thismorning I ordered him a little blue dolls pushchair on amazon, but when I told DH I'd bought it he went abseloutley mental. He rang me up telling me to cancel it and shouted down the phone at me telling me to stop trying to instill my own personal values on him, even though, in my opinion, that's what he is doing not me.

I told him I wasn't cancelling it and after shouting at me and telling me to stop being so controlling (?), that he's told me before he doesn't want him having it and he'll buy him a wheelbarrow, he went onto the amazon account, cancelled the order and changed the password so I can't get onto it now.

I'm honestly so upset over this, I know it seems like such a stupid trivial thing, but I really don't appreciate being shouted at and told what I can and can't buy for my own child. Iv had to stop talking to him because he just won't listen and keeps shouting, and being almost 8 months pregnant with a toddler to look after, I really can't take the stress of being screamed at over a children's toy.

He says if ds grows up and asks him to buy him a dolls pram, then he will buy one. But that he's not going to just let me decide for him that that's what he wants... My argument is, he didn't ask for any of the trucks, cars, toolsets etc that he has, but he bought them for him. Because ds has around 20 words and is not yet capable of asking for such things so we go on what we think he would like.

I'm rambling now but I'm just so worked up about all this, would you personally buy a 'girls' toy for your son? Am I wrong in buying him a pushchair that he hasn't specifically asked for?

OP posts:
oneoffname · 14/05/2020 22:31

Both my ds's had dolls at some point. One went the whole hog and had a doll, a toy pushchair and a doll bed which my dad made, with several changes of bedding also made by my dad. My Dh happily played along with DCs when they wanted to take their 'babies' for a walk, to the sweetshop etc. Neither of them 'caught the gay' or ended up in anyway handicapped by their toy of choice. And now, dc2 is the most wonderful dad to his own son - who, incidentally, lives his toy kitchen!
Your husband seems very out of kilter in his thinking. Are you Mrs Jacob Rees-Mogg by any chance?

Coyoacan · 14/05/2020 23:16

BubblyBarbara

Surely any parent that takes an interest in their child wants to give them a toy that they will enjoy?

I used to get manicure sets from relatives and one year I was given a doll, yuck, yuck. I was so convinced that girls' toys were innately boring, the first toys I bought my dd were trucks, but it turned out that she wasn't interested in trucks. I've always been staunchly against Barbies, but by the time she was three I bought her her first, because that was what she wanted and enjoyed. Our children are not stereotypes either of their gender or of any statement we wish to make about gender. If you are going to give anyone you love a present, you look for what they will enjoy, not what they should enjoy.

Sorocknroll · 15/05/2020 01:20

30 years ago Lego produced a range of Lego aimed at girls. It was in pastel colours mainly pink and light green. I had the stables, house and ice cream cart. Nowadays they have lego friends and disney.

Toy manufacturers have always produced toys with a gender association however parents have also ignored those associations. So although my parents bought me the lego sets aimed at girls I also had a ghost buster, teenage mutant ninja turtle and played with all my brothers toys.

I tried very hard not to go the pink route with my dd but to be honest society has kind of driven us that way although she is having a rugby and golf set for her birthday, we are these as neutral but society makes us feel they are toys more aimed at boys .

Gender association is very hard to get out of at times and I fear will be there for many generations to come

timeisnotaline · 15/05/2020 02:05

Anyone getting on their high horse should think that maybe there are many of us who would be equally a bit hmm about buying a toy toolbox and carpentry set or a football goal for a DD.
I hope I don’t know anyone actually like this. If I had a daughter they’d be lucky to get a doll amongst the piles of building, Lego and numbers stuff plus sports. It’s my job as her mum to make sure I offset the negative influences out there that boys don’t encounter! Won’t be relevant though as my two boys already have kitchens and dolls and shopping trolleys.
If you know his bf enough give her a call op! Or tell him to give her a call and make it clear he shouldn’t embroider the truth to make himself look less of an asshole, if he does you will make sure she gets the full story sometime.its funny them Struggling to balance knowing normal people would think they’ve behaved like a shithead so don’t want them to know but still trying to defend their actions.

CorianderLord · 15/05/2020 02:33

@issabellerossigol

30 years ago was 1990. There were Care Bears in the early 1980s - nearly 40 years ago

Zombiemum1946 · 15/05/2020 02:50

Set up your own Amazon account and buy it or buy it elsewhere. Query as to why he's had such a rabid response to a normal part of child development. I don't know any kid that hasn't run riot with a buggy replicating adult behaviour and their own experiences. He needs to read a child development book.

HoomanMoomin · 15/05/2020 03:58

Ooh, I should look for some interesting construction game for my 5 yo DD. With screws and screwdrivers, bolts and nuts and maybe even a hammer. Wink

RapunzelsBuzzcut · 15/05/2020 04:26

maybe there are many of us who would be equally a bit Hmm about buying a toy toolbox and carpentry set or a football goal for a DD.

So? There are plenty of posters on MN who think racism doesn’t exist, or that rape victims are attention seekers who were asking for it.

There are arseholes and bigots everywhere.

Why should we have to censor ourselves to avoid upsetting misogynistic dinosaurs?

isabellerossignol · 15/05/2020 04:32

@issabellerossigol

30 years ago was 1990. There were Care Bears in the early 1980s - nearly 40 years ago

By the early 90s I was way beyond playing with toys, so I'm not familiar with what kids played with in 1990. I was only quoting back 30 years because that was what someone had responded to me about my original post.

I was wrong to say that there weren't girls and boys toys, but it sort of came out wrong when I wrote it down as what I actually meant was girls and boys versions of the same thing.

In the photos from my childhood, none of my female friends are dressed in pink either. Boys and girls casual clothes were pretty similar - we're all dressed in those brown buckle up shoes, jeans and an array of knitted jumpers, and many of the girls have short hair (with the exception of the friends whose religious families didn't allow the girls to wear trousers or cut their hair, but that's a fairly niche group). My husband's childhood photos are the same.

I definitely see much more defined gender roles for children now than when I was a child. And that's despite having been raised in a very religious background.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/05/2020 07:34

Yes, IsabelleRossignol is right, 30-40 years ago there were Barbies and Action Men, footballs and skipping ropes but Lego was just multicoloured Lego, likewise Meccano, cars, teddies, marbles (everybody played with marbles).

Blue and pink versions of the same thing were a cynical marketing ploy of the 90s onwards. Specifically created so that families with a boy and a girl would buy two sets of the same toy.

As a way of selling more of the same thing into a market that was apparently already saturated, it was on a par with the marketing genius who made the Kelloggs cornflake ads suggesting people eat them as a snack in the evening.

The economic principle at play is that economies, and companies, must expand to stand still. Actually standing still results in economic decline (note how economies are compared from year to year in terms of amount of growth, not total size).

I remember a comedy skit on this theme, feauring marketeers at a toothbrush manufacturer, discussing how they can possibly grow their business, now that everyone already brushes their teeth and replaces their brushes. 'Can we persuade them to scrape their tongues with a special gizmo? How ridiculous and absurd!

Pink Lego, cars and cash registers are a classic case of manufacturers selling people the idea that they need someting that they never needed.

woolyrab · 15/05/2020 08:26

If you are going to give anyone you love a present, you look for what they will enjoy, not what they should enjoy.

I agree totally. Growing up I enjoyed toy cars, Meccano, Tiny Tears and my pride and joy was my gymnastics Sindy doll in a tracksuit Thinking on it I liked these because of quirks. My favourite car was a camper van with striped pop up roof. Tiny tears cried and peed. Sindy was posesble. All these toys did something or were a bit different. I was raised by parents who whilst today are not considered by me to be enlightened, did make sure their daughters weren't defined by their sex.

woolyrab · 15/05/2020 08:27

Oh and I loved the bionic man doll because his eyes moved and you rolled up his rubber arm to see his bionic workings

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 15/05/2020 08:32

Oh and I loved the bionic man doll because his eyes moved and you rolled up his rubber arm to see his bionic workings

I had one of those @woolyrab ! Thanks for the memory.

rosesareredsometimes · 15/05/2020 10:25

When DS was 2 I bought him a pushchair and a baby because he loved playing with one at a playgroup we went to. DH was fully supportive of this it was surprisingly my grandma who had a hit of an issue with it but DH said he's only two he can play with what he wants. That's how it should be. The play kitchen is something all DC gravitate towards. My eldest DS was playing with it yesterday and had a lovely time. Get your DS what he wants they are little for such a short space of time in the end.

StormTreader · 15/05/2020 15:08

" He told me the lads in work were saying that their partners 'tried' to buy their sons girls toys and they said no and that was that. Then asked me why I couldn't be like that."

This is absolutely what I was expecting you would say - hes in an atmosphere of toxic masculinity and thinks he has to try and compete to not be bullied. I wouldn't be surprised if the fact that he cooks has been mentioned at some point and they all absolutely ripped the piss out of him for being "a pussy".

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/05/2020 10:34

He told me the lads in work were saying that their partners 'tried' to buy their sons girls toys and they said no and that was that. Then asked me why I couldn't be like that

I wonder what the wives and gfs say.

This is definitely bravado on the part of his mates. Usually the partners say Yes Dear then go and do what ever they want.

redwinefine · 16/05/2020 11:14

This is definitely bravado on the part of his mates.

Yeah, I doubt this is actually going on in every home. A lot of it will be the 'lads' playing up and bravado.

timeisnotaline · 19/05/2020 00:29

How’s it going op?

Original poster
WolfInSlutsClothing · 19/05/2020 12:52

How’s it going op?

Everything is sorted out, he apologised properly, the buggy is being delivered in the next week and we've agreed not to discuss it any further and that he has no right to tell me what to buy.

Let's hope it doesn't happen again because next time he'll be out for good.

OP posts:
Cheeeeislifenow · 19/05/2020 13:10

Op I would be concerned about this. Especially as a mum of boys.

Tigersneeze · 19/05/2020 20:00

good for standing your ground OP! your DS is lucky. and btw your dad sounds amazing/

I remember him telling my brothers all the time that if they ever wanted to walk down the road wearing a dress, hed put one on himself and walk down the road holding their hand. That's how I want my son to grow up, that's how you raise boys.

timeisnotaline · 19/05/2020 22:44

Great boundaries op, well done!!

Nonnymum · 19/05/2020 22:50

Your husband is wrong.

I don't think there are boys and girls toys but why would be see a pushchair as a girls toy? Does your husband never take your son out in the buggy? Has he never seen a man push a pram or look after a baby?

crosssy · 25/05/2020 02:36

@Nonnymum it happens because any shop you go in has all the pink girly pranks in a girl aisle and boys cars and superhero's in the boy aisle!!

When there's cars next to prams things will be equal. I've yet to see a baby girl whose mum has chosen a blue blanket.

Sorocknroll · 25/05/2020 07:10

@crosssy

Both my baby girls had stars wars baby grows (chewbacca and r2d2). Rugby baby grows. Cars, dolls, tools, kitchen. Whatever colour blankets or teddies that I liked.

The clothes although girls clothes due to fit I buy all sorts and will buy "boys" clothes if they are in the sale or I like the design. My older girl often has boys pjs cause the cartoon ones are better.

Not all mums conform to typical stereotyping. It will take a while but hopefully we will get there

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