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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be allowed buy whatever I want for ds?

602 replies

WolfInSlutsClothing · 13/05/2020 13:35

My ds is 18 months old, he is constantly putting his favourite Teddy into his pushchair and trying to wheel it around the house. He will then get really frustrated because the pushchair is so big he can't manouver it properly and will end up throwing a tantrum after a while. This is a daily occurance.

Thismorning I ordered him a little blue dolls pushchair on amazon, but when I told DH I'd bought it he went abseloutley mental. He rang me up telling me to cancel it and shouted down the phone at me telling me to stop trying to instill my own personal values on him, even though, in my opinion, that's what he is doing not me.

I told him I wasn't cancelling it and after shouting at me and telling me to stop being so controlling (?), that he's told me before he doesn't want him having it and he'll buy him a wheelbarrow, he went onto the amazon account, cancelled the order and changed the password so I can't get onto it now.

I'm honestly so upset over this, I know it seems like such a stupid trivial thing, but I really don't appreciate being shouted at and told what I can and can't buy for my own child. Iv had to stop talking to him because he just won't listen and keeps shouting, and being almost 8 months pregnant with a toddler to look after, I really can't take the stress of being screamed at over a children's toy.

He says if ds grows up and asks him to buy him a dolls pram, then he will buy one. But that he's not going to just let me decide for him that that's what he wants... My argument is, he didn't ask for any of the trucks, cars, toolsets etc that he has, but he bought them for him. Because ds has around 20 words and is not yet capable of asking for such things so we go on what we think he would like.

I'm rambling now but I'm just so worked up about all this, would you personally buy a 'girls' toy for your son? Am I wrong in buying him a pushchair that he hasn't specifically asked for?

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 14/05/2020 18:23

I'm just thinking about what toys my children, boy, girl, boy had and I find it interesting that my sons liked playing with baby buggy, kitchen stuff, cars, duplo, jigsaws while my daughter refused any doll, only liked Piglet, loved books and jigsaws and the kitchen but less than the boys and liked the train set but ignored happy land.

Persiaclementine · 14/05/2020 18:25

Oh no your son might grow up to be a dad one day 🙄 your husband needs to grow up

Thisismytimetoshine · 14/05/2020 18:25

Yes to your post, ThumbWitch, I've never seen anyone use it to mean "like a bloke" before, that's not what it means.

Frequency · 14/05/2020 18:44

So, toolboxes are for men. Prams are for women.

Got it.

One problem, I don't have a man. I do have a toolbox. What do I do if I need to hang a picture?

Also is there anything else that is 'only for men'? Lawn mowers, for example? Or PC building? Putting tele brackets on the wall? Just, I have long to do list and if I need to be offloading some of it to a man I'd like to know.

pointythings · 14/05/2020 18:49

Thumb and babs does have form for being on the side of the men.

BackseatCookers · 14/05/2020 18:50

Just, I have long to do list and if I need to be offloading some of it to a man I'd like to know.

@Frequency Grin

And here was you thinking your dainty fingers could manage hanging a picture up. Bless your silly little head.

Just shout out the window that you need a man's opinion, otherwise you're in danger of thinking for yourself which is a risky business.

If you aren't careful then before you know it you'll be buying footie goalposts for girls which is a commonly known gateway drug for equality and financial independence - the horror!

Flamingodial · 14/05/2020 19:01

And Men like him are sadly a large part of the reason why male suicide is so high. Toxic masculinity.

He sounds abusive too op. I’m really sorry. Get out and protect your children.

Excited101 · 14/05/2020 19:13

I could never be with someone who had that attitude. Get a toy buggy, keep it- good for you! But if he is going to be jointly bringing up your boy, this attitude will come out over so many different things, it’s up to you if you be happy battling this at every little step and having your son in the middle of it.

Justjoshin22 · 14/05/2020 19:33

OP, I’ve been following this thread but this is my first post. It sounds like you know your partner is being totally unreasonable and your approach is spot on. Good for you, for not taking his rubbish.
I say this a lot, with posts like this, people are very quick to call abuse and encourage posters to leave partners. Sometimes this is bang on and sometimes it’s all too easy for people sitting behind a screen to take a black and white view to weigh in on the personal lives of people they’ll never meet.
Only you know what your DH is really like and whether this is a snapshot of his behaviour generally or whether he needs an absolute rocket and to be educated to a why his views are plain ridiculous.
Let us know how it goes!

BubblyBarbara · 14/05/2020 20:00

I'm not on the"side of the man" all I'm saying is I wouldn't have given my two DD manly toys in the same way OPs DH didn't want his DS to have what he perceived as a girl toy. I'm not saying it's right, it's just what I would have felt when they were younger

pointythings · 14/05/2020 20:20

'Manly toys' OMFG. There. Is. No. Such. Thing.

At least you acknowledge that it isn't rational. And so OP should continue to stand up to her H so that he never, ever, ever does this stuff again. Especially the Amazon blocking, order cancelling and horrendous name calling.

BubblyBarbara · 14/05/2020 20:25

Look, things come in clearly male or female varieties. I buy the pink lady razors to shave my legs even though the men's razors are cheaper. I know it's not rational but if people were entirely rational they wouldn't have male and female varieties of different products and toys. They even have kids magazines that are clearly for boys or girls!

SimonJT · 14/05/2020 20:26

@BubblyBarbara why did you choose to inflict unhealthy sexist attitudes on your children?

isabellerossignol · 14/05/2020 20:28

Look, things come in clearly male or female varieties.

It's not because there are male and female items Hmm It's because about 25 years ago, marketing people realised that they could sell two of everything if they made people feel that there were male and female versions.

I'm in my 40s and there is no way there were girls and boys toys when I was a child, things came in one colour and it was 'a toy'.

isabellerossignol · 14/05/2020 20:29

When it comes to girls and boys toys, I lay the blame for that crap fair and square at the door of Early Learning Centre. They were the absolute worst.

myangelalex · 14/05/2020 21:07

I suspect he had to put up with some bullying from other boys, maybe because he played with girls, so he has a sensitive streak there. Doesn't excuse it, but childhood shapes us. Had to lol at the Hoover. It's fine because it's machinery!

VerticalHorizon · 14/05/2020 21:12

Look, things come in clearly male or female varieties. I buy the pink lady razors to shave my legs even though the men's razors are cheaper. I know it's not rational but if people were entirely rational they wouldn't have male and female varieties of different products and toys. They even have kids magazines that are clearly for boys or girls!
No, it is because they market such stuff that way.
If the sell a doll to a boy, then it can be shared with a girl... but sell two versions of the same thing, they make more money.

Two brothers or two sisters can share hand-me-downs, but there is a good chance that siblings wont share the same gender, so you'll have to buy blue vs pink, or Action Man vs Barbie.

Boys and girls are different, but they are strangers by a single chromosome. The rest of the adult world spends much of its time turning that into a huge divide.

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 14/05/2020 21:17

@BubblyBarbara When I was growing up, both of my parents were on the same page and happily gave me 'girly' toys and my brother 'manly' toys. When my died and I was 12, a lightbulb went in the house. My mum and I were scared and cried because we had never changed one before any my brother was too small. Eventually we realised we needed the light, so we got a bulb, I stood on the chair, my mum guided me, I 'acted just like daddy' and changed the bulb. We always remember that day and laugh. We sang 'sisters are doing it for themselves'. Since then my mum has never ever subscribed to the idea of toys/careers for males and females separately. Whatever you do, regardless of which toys you picked for your DDs, make sure they know how to do all these 'manly' things by themselves. They'll thank you for it.

Sorocknroll · 14/05/2020 21:24

Unfortunately I was witness to typical man schonivism the other day.

My dad was helping me to cut the top off a unit. I couldn't get the saw to go straight so he was showing me and helping me to do it... older bloke walks past with his (I assume) grandson in the pushchair and says "that's what I like to see, the woman giving the instructions and the man doing the work" my dad had to seriously bite his tongue and laughed it off... I rolled my eyes and ignored him.

I then went on to finish what I wanted including using a drill and screwdriver Shock

I wonder if some of his attitude is to do with social acceptance. All his macho work mates giving it the big I am that they wouldnt let their boys play with girls toys so he doesnt want to loose face and hasnt got the balls to stand up for them and tell them they are all cunts instead

Perhaps he was ridiculed for playing with girls toys as a kid and doesnt want the same not realising that times have changed. I know I get worried thst my kids will be bullied for similar things I was bullied for so end up over compensating (buying designer branded clothes and lots of toys etc so they are not left behind)

Maybe he is just an idiot and cant see that things are just different and toys are going more unisex. My dd loves putting her toy hammer in the pushchair with the aeroplane and dolly while pretending to be a doctor and teacher at the same time

I hope things have got better for you today op. Stand strong.

Thisismytimetoshine · 14/05/2020 21:24

I'm pmsl at someone paying a higher price for razors because "I'm female, so I have to have the pink ones. That why they've made them pink".

Frequency · 14/05/2020 21:25

We never subscribed to gender roles when mine were young, mostly coz their dad was a useless wank badger. If you'd asked them when they were younger about 'man work' and 'woman work' they would've told you that women do the DIY, the flat pack furniture building and the computer fixing and men do the babysitting aka watching cartoons with them.

BackseatCookers · 14/05/2020 21:35

Look, things come in clearly male or female varieties. I buy the pink lady razors to shave my legs even though the men's razors are cheaper. I know it's not rational but if people were entirely rational they wouldn't have male and female varieties of different products and toys.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Too goady to be real, surely.

TheSandman · 14/05/2020 21:38

I'm in my 40s and there is no way there were girls and boys toys when I was a child, things came in one colour and it was 'a toy'.

LOL!

You are kidding right?

So 30 years ago there were no Care Bears, no Barbie, no My Little Pony...
Girls drive pink:

Boys drive Jeeps:

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 14/05/2020 21:42

*dad died 🙄 ffs

isabellerossignol · 14/05/2020 22:10

So 30 years ago there were no Care Bears, no Barbie, no My Little Pony...

Granted there was Barbie, that's true. And I think I'm probably just a little bit old for Care Bears and such.

But I was thinking more specifically of things where nowadays you get the same toy, produced in two different colours. Like a toy cash register in pink for a girl and the same in blue for a boy. Toy cars (which I had dozens of and so did my female friends) were miniatures of real cars, not pink cartoon cars, and they were the same for boys and for girls. Lego was in primary colours and was equally aimed at boys and girls, as were sticklebricks and things like that. Teddy bears were brown, not pink or blue. When you got a pretend medical kit it was in neutral colours, not a pink stethoscope for a girl and a blue one for a boy.