To think I should be allowed buy whatever I want for ds?

[WolfInSlutsClothing]

My ds is 18 months old, he is constantly putting his favourite Teddy into his pushchair and trying to wheel it around the house. He will then get really frustrated because the pushchair is so big he can't manouver it properly and will end up throwing a tantrum after a while. This is a daily occurance.

Thismorning I ordered him a little blue dolls pushchair on amazon, but when I told DH I'd bought it he went abseloutley mental. He rang me up telling me to cancel it and shouted down the phone at me telling me to stop trying to instill my own personal values on him, even though, in my opinion, that's what he is doing not me.

I told him I wasn't cancelling it and after shouting at me and telling me to stop being so controlling (?), that he's told me before he doesn't want him having it and he'll buy him a wheelbarrow, he went onto the amazon account, cancelled the order and changed the password so I can't get onto it now.

I'm honestly so upset over this, I know it seems like such a stupid trivial thing, but I really don't appreciate being shouted at and told what I can and can't buy for my own child. Iv had to stop talking to him because he just won't listen and keeps shouting, and being almost 8 months pregnant with a toddler to look after, I really can't take the stress of being screamed at over a children's toy.

He says if ds grows up and asks him to buy him a dolls pram, then he will buy one. But that he's not going to just let me decide for him that that's what he wants... My argument is, he didn't ask for any of the trucks, cars, toolsets etc that he has, but he bought them for him. Because ds has around 20 words and is not yet capable of asking for such things so we go on what we think he would like.

I'm rambling now but I'm just so worked up about all this, would you personally buy a 'girls' toy for your son? Am I wrong in buying him a pushchair that he hasn't specifically asked for?

Posters! It’s nothing to do with a ‘gay’ thing. Not in this case. Why is everyone hung up on this?

@LittleMissTeacup clearly he was thinking strategically from a very young age, sounds like he picked the right career!

@YinMnBlue why do you think it's nothing to do with the "gay thing", what do you think it's to do with?

I remember him telling my brothers all the time that if they ever wanted to walk down the road wearing a dress, hed put one on himself and walk down the road holding their hand. That's how I want my son to grow up, that's how you raise boys

This just made me teary op. Well done you and pleased don't allow your husband or anyone else to change your mindset because you have it spot on. In my close family I have a gay and a trans person and attitudes towards gender stereotypes like your husbands's upset me massively. Let toys be toys, children be children and people be people.

I think his work mates are LIARS. I bet their wives do exactly what they want to do and do not bow down and obey.

If your dh wants to do the same that's fine. It's the best solution really. You do what you know is right, he lies to his workmates that you do what he says.

Posters! It’s nothing to do with a ‘gay’ thing
I know, it always descends into this. Always.

understandmenow

The OP has not once mentioned that that is her DH’s objection , and she explains his ‘Thinking’ in more detail and again, sexuality is not mentioned. RTFT.

The OP can only challenge her H if she knows exactly what his issue is. Not by presuming.

People parroting ‘you can’t catch gay’ are presuming.

Posters! It’s nothing to do with a ‘gay’ thing. Not in this case. Why is everyone hung up on this?

Agreed. It's not. It's about effeminacy (ridiculous I know, when it comes to a kid's toys), and unless effeminacy equates with homosexuality, effiminate males are deemed not quite 'real' men. Because ... culture. And toxic masculinity. And the fact that we have to pigeonhole people into neat little categories in order to make 'society' more comfortable.

Clearly it's that sort of concern that's driving the OP's husband. But a fair few posters seem to have internalized it as well.

Plus, there is a huge amount of ‘reassurance’ :
“My DS is the X, Y and Z of masculine Heterosexual stereotype, and he played with dolls so tell your DH not to worry “

There is a whole lot to unpick there. And what if the OP’s child does grow up to be gay? And / or a ballet dancer or a nanny or a nursery teacher or a nurse...

Where are all the posters saying ‘My Ds played with pushchairs and is now a nurse in a neo natal unit’ ?

Why do so many people instantly equate not confirming with gender stereotypes around toys with sexuality? It is buying into the idea that pram might equal ‘gay’ in the first place.

His work colleagues might not be liars-he might never even have spoken to them about it!

@YinMnBlue There are limited reasons why a person will be afraid of a perceived lack of masculinity. The only consistent correlation has always been that not being masculine = being gay. Unable to procreate, unable to defend themselves. It's certainly incorrect, but that doesn't stop it from being the case, I imagine it's an evolutionary thing gone wrong. If the majority of people who see this type of thinking assume it's because the person is afraid of 'catching gay' then that's only because that's the image they've managed to perpetuate over decades. Why challenge the thinking of the posters when the husband's thinking is the problem? OP did also say that H was afraid of their son being bullied, it's not just how he will be perceived by his workmates.

Nicely done OP and well said.
He needs to know you are a person in your own right.
From your opening post I thought you might be a bit down trodden and abused by him.
Clearly NOT!!!
Well done!

^ Where are all the posters saying ‘My Ds played with pushchairs and is now a nurse in a neo natal unit’ ?

Why do so many people instantly equate not confirming with gender stereotypes around toys with sexuality? It is buying into the idea that pram might equal ‘gay’ in the first place.^

I'm guessing it's because that's what a lot of people have heard before. A boy playing with girls toys will make them gay. Complete nonsense of course. In my family pretty much all the boys have played with buggies at one point. We have paediatricians, nurses, teachers amongst them as well as farmers, factory workers, etc. None yet who've come out though I suspect because of cultural issues in the older generation and a lot my generation are still very young so may later on. Not that it matters. But if they did, it certainly won't be because they played with some 'girls' toys at some point.

I honestly would end it over just this. I couldn't ever be with such a thick, sexist, controlling abusive twat and staying with him condones it.

hellsbellsmelons yesterday when I wrote it I was really upset and I honestly, after being shouted at, was ready to give in and just let him buy the wheelbarrow. Putting this post up confirmed for me what I already knew, that I was totally in the right.

I imagine if I hadn't posted it I'd probably have let him have his way just to keep the peace, but fuck that, keeping the peace this time only leads to him continuing to try pushing his warped view of the world on my child. It won't be happening and I'm so glad to see that so many people think the way I think.

He and his workmates sound like a right brainless bunch. He sounds very insecure and worried about fitting in with his friends.

Is he still at his mum’s.

And for what it's worth, I do not think I'm being abused. He really doesn't behave like that all the time, it's not the first time he's shouted at me, but it's not something he does regularly. Not that it excuses it because it really fucking doesn't and I'm completely and utterly done with it I won't have anyone speaking to me like that while I'm raising my children, or ever for that matter.

I think the whole situation got a bit heated, he couldn't handle that I wasn't listening to him on this point that he feels is such a big deal. The way we stand right now, he can either apologise properly without expecting an apology back from me, and promise to never fucking speak to me like that again, or he can stay with his mother. The ball is in his court.

His workmates are probably more full of shit than a portaloo at a festival and your dh is too thick to realise that.

YANBU, and red flags in dh's behavior. I'm make, and when I was a toddler I wanted a pram(I'm reliably informed 😊) and think my dad was a little unsure, but my mum ignored that did it anyway, and I played with it for a few weeks. Even though I'm now main at home parant for our toddler, please assure your husband I also like rugby, and have a slight fear if the washing machine (joking aside, don't get men who are that insecure about how they think they should be 🙄)

I think his work mates are LIARS. I bet their wives do exactly what they want to do and do not bow down and obey.

Exactly! I’d love to hear their wives version of events!

You've handled this brilliantly OP.

As others have said you have two issues here. Firstly the ridiculous attitude that DS can't play with toys he wants to because they're 'for girls'.

Secondly, his reaction. Cancelling the order and changing the password to lock you out of the amazon account is unacceptable and controlling. As is shouting at you for 20 mins and calling you a cunt. Unacceptable at any time, but you're 8 months pregnant during the stresses of lockdown and now he's treated you ambominably on top of that.

As your new baby is a girl, will he want to restrict her to only playing with 'girls toys'? Does he not realise that both DS and DD are likely to play together, and to play with each others toys?

Does he not realise that both DS and DD are likely to play together, and to play with each others toys

According to him this is fine, he's told me that we can buy a toy kitchen for dd and ds van play with it but it won't be his. It's almost laughable because it really doesn't make any sense. I'll be buying ds a kitchen ASAP and dd can play with it, they can both own it.

I don't think he even really understands why he feels the way he does, could be something to do with him not growing up with a father? I really don't know. Either way it's his problem to fix not mine and certainly not our children's.

I wouldn't be buying make up, nail varnish, dressed etc just to make a point as that is immature. If your son wants a dress for dress up or just wearing out then fine.

We bought our 2.5 year old son a huge toy kitchen for Christmas and when he unwrapped it he said "I got a kitchen" and we still emailed about his reaction.

Keep on, you're doing great. It is your choice where you go re your marriage.

Yes op youre right either a sincere apology for calling you names and shouting and blocking the account or it wont mean anything