To think I should be allowed buy whatever I want for ds?

[WolfInSlutsClothing]

My ds is 18 months old, he is constantly putting his favourite Teddy into his pushchair and trying to wheel it around the house. He will then get really frustrated because the pushchair is so big he can't manouver it properly and will end up throwing a tantrum after a while. This is a daily occurance.

Thismorning I ordered him a little blue dolls pushchair on amazon, but when I told DH I'd bought it he went abseloutley mental. He rang me up telling me to cancel it and shouted down the phone at me telling me to stop trying to instill my own personal values on him, even though, in my opinion, that's what he is doing not me.

I told him I wasn't cancelling it and after shouting at me and telling me to stop being so controlling (?), that he's told me before he doesn't want him having it and he'll buy him a wheelbarrow, he went onto the amazon account, cancelled the order and changed the password so I can't get onto it now.

I'm honestly so upset over this, I know it seems like such a stupid trivial thing, but I really don't appreciate being shouted at and told what I can and can't buy for my own child. Iv had to stop talking to him because he just won't listen and keeps shouting, and being almost 8 months pregnant with a toddler to look after, I really can't take the stress of being screamed at over a children's toy.

He says if ds grows up and asks him to buy him a dolls pram, then he will buy one. But that he's not going to just let me decide for him that that's what he wants... My argument is, he didn't ask for any of the trucks, cars, toolsets etc that he has, but he bought them for him. Because ds has around 20 words and is not yet capable of asking for such things so we go on what we think he would like.

I'm rambling now but I'm just so worked up about all this, would you personally buy a 'girls' toy for your son? Am I wrong in buying him a pushchair that he hasn't specifically asked for?

When ds was little always chuckled at 'action figures' being used for boys' dolls. They are dolls; same as barbie etc. The cognitive dissonance is strange isn't it.

"I do not think I'm being abused. He really doesn't behave like that all the time, it's not the first time he's shouted at me,"

The fact that he has behaved like that at all isn't on.

He has shouted at you-is that not abuse?

Don't minimise what he does, OP.

He shouldn't ever be telling you what to do, let alone cancelling order for a child's toy (unless it couldn't be afforded) and blocking you out of an account!

If that's not control/abuse then what is?

My friends husband is a like this. His attitude is you buy boys ‘boys toys’ so they don’t get picked on at school.

He has a gay brother who he accepts and loves but he was concerned his kids would get picked on for having a gay uncle.

In both cases my friend told him to grow up and that you don’t fix prejudice by conforming to what the bullies want, you help build a more tolerant world.

SuckingDownDarjeeling
Because if posters are aiming to help the OP, it needs to be relevant, surely. There have been zillions of posts ‘you can’t catch gay’ etc, but the OP’s H’s (warped) thinking is around masculinity, not sexuality.

Masculinity does not = sexuality.
Gender does not = sexuality.

How can any of us discuss anything unless we push our understanding forward?

Yes he did say he was worried about his kid being bullied - for playing with girls, not for being gay.

Yes he did say he was worried about his kid being bullied - for playing with girls, not for being gay.

True, but (and this isn't intended as a criticism of the OP) she didn't explain that that was the reason until this morning. It may be that it was only in the call last night that he articulated his reason for not wanting the DS to have the pram. So people have assumed that that was his thinking. And while there are other possible reasons, one of which he's articulated now, it wasn't by any means out of the question that he thought it would mean his son would 'catch the gay'. Because a lot of people DO think that way. Yes it's discussed a lot on MN, but I'm not sure it is to anything like the same extent in real life.

According to him he's hurt as he specifically asked me time and time again not to buy 'his son' girls toys and that it's the only rule he has.
That's big of him, isn't it, only having one rule for his wife to obey

Good on you, OP.

@YinMnBlue of course it's relevant. Putting your understanding forward is just as important as everybody else getting involved in the debate. But other posters aren't wrong either. The implication of there being something wrong with boys playing with girls and girls' things, is that this will cause the boy to 'become gay' through the loss of their masculinity. Discouraging people from bringing this up won't help to fix the deeper issue. Acknowledging this way of thinking also won't make it true, so it's not something to worry about I don't think. Prior to this thread, OP certainly didn't have the idea that buying a pram = gay. It was the husband's reaction and subsequently OP looking for support that sparked the debate. A perfectly natural debate to have given the subject matter.

My husband’s ex wife was like this, despite having a gay brother. When we got him his first pony she said it was a sport for girls. For her it was just an excuse to try and stop him sharing an interest with us. Fifteen years later he’s still riding and playing polo and she’s given up!

I didn’t post about the gay issue until after the OP had given her update. And I didn’t tell people not to discuss it debate it, or that it isn’t a common prejudice / misconception that ‘girls toys cause gay’.

I pointed out that in this case it is not what is driving the man in question . It is issues around masculinity. Maybe the fat thing is also there, but the general discussion on the thread had done nothing but assume that the issue was ‘gay’ and that this is inextricably linked to gender and constructs of masculinity / femininity.

Anyway...

Well done OP. It is a battle worth standing your ground over, for your expected Dd as much as for your Ds.

Doesn’t do any of you, Ds, Dd, , to hear your H think he can boss you like this, or for your kids to hear nonsense about gender or that girls are not good enough for boys to play with.

Good luck!

He says his problem with it is that he doesn't want him growing up only playing with girls and then being bullied by the boys for being a 'pussy'
But if everyone let their boys play with prams and their girls with cars, the kids could play together!

..He also said that if ds ever asks him for girls toys he will buy them for him but that I'm wrong to be pushing them on him so DS has requested every toy by name this far has he?

He told me the lads in work were saying that their partners 'tried' to buy their sons girls toys and they said no and that was that. Then asked me why I couldn't be like that.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂Let's hope he picks better his go eh?

Why would playing with girls affect his masculinity or anything for that matter.

Does he see women as only potential wives or gfs.

I can’t put it into words but the playing with girls thing seems more off than his problem with your Ds playing with a pram.

When your Ds goes to school and your Ds has his birthday party. Are you only going to invite boys?
Or is Ds going to an all boys school in fear of him picking up “girl germs”

I don't think enough is being made of him calling you a cunt. Your husband. I am still in shock. I wouldnt tolerate anyone calling me that, but especially not my DH.

Everyone argues, and shouts sometimes me and DH included. But swearing at each other? Big no. I really dont think you should accept it. What if it keeps happening and eventually your kids are old enough to hear and understand?

NRTFT (there's 21 pages) but YANBU. He's being an idiot (insert stronger word if you wish, I was trying to be polite lol)

But that he's not going to just let me decide for him that that's what he wants... My argument is, he didn't ask for any of the trucks, cars, toolsets etc that he has, but he bought them for him
Exactly! I think he's more worried that your ds might "catch the gay" if you buy him a pushchair for his teddy, which makes him an utter knob.

The irony in the playing with girls statement is that his own best friend growing up, who he's still friends with to this day and we see and speak to regularly, is a girl.

he went onto the amazon account, cancelled the order and changed the password so I can't get onto it now

Wait, wait, wait.... what?
Just clocked this bit.
Fuck that.
If DH did that to me I'd be pissed off (understatement) and definitely setting up a new account!
Who the fuck does he think he is?

The irony in the playing with girls statement is that his own best friend growing up, who he's still friends with to this day and we see and speak to regularly, is a girl
But that just makes him even more irredeemably stupid.

I'd be more concerned with your DH changing your amazon password. Very worrying, controlling behavior. I would be making sure I had my own account.
Did I read you have a joint bank account? I certainly would be putting some money into my own bank account. Should he ever try and control you by empting the account.

I remember when my dd was a child in the 1990s, girls were able to play football, rugby, take karate and dance classes, in fact, anything they wanted but the poor wee boys were all refused permission to take any after-school classes where there were more girls than boys.

I'm glad your son has you for a mother, OP.

And I agree with the other poster who said that you can't deal with bullies by giving in to them. Actually bullies don't need an excuse to bully, they just scent out the other person's insecurities and go for them.

All three of my boys had a pram for teddy's. They loved it learning to walk! My eldest even had a pink Disney princess one. I did their hair up and painted their nails if they asked. My 16 year old has just asked a girl out for the first time. Children playing and trying things out. I hate how people make any kind of deal about gender slants in kids.
Just let them be kids

Ugh, what kind of grown man and father uses words like "pussy"? He sounds like he's about 17 with the emotional maturity of a lemon.

According to him this is fine, he's told me that we can buy a toy kitchen for dd and ds van play with it but it won't be his. It's almost laughable because it really doesn't make any sense. I'll be buying ds a kitchen ASAP and dd can play with it, they can both own it.

So he's an idiot as well as horrible. Brilliant.

Hilariously the only bully in this situation is him. And the only "pussy" (his word and definition) in this situation is also him.

So insecure in his role model and parenting ability that he thinks owning a toy pram and toy kitchen as a toddler is enough to set up a kid for a lifetime of bullying...

Nah I don't buy it. He isn't genuinely worried about that, not least of all because we are all stuck at home at the moment so nobody would even see any of this.

The reality is he's embarrassed. He has such shitty chauvinist gender values that he perceives some things (ironically including parenting) as women's work (so doesn't his son to model them, while also wanting to have final say against in real world parenting) and has such fragile masculinity he genuinely worries about how a choice of toy for his male child would reflect on him, a male adult.

I personally couldn't find him attractive anymore. Only thing worse than a bully is a hypocritical and stupid one.

Typo:

while also wanting to have final say against you in real world parenting

I'd boot him out to go live with his mother until he can learn to be less of a toxic shittapult. Something tells me he will be there a while.

Well your husband is a fucking moron.
He is responsible for himself.
You are responsible for how you respond. His stupidity and shouting is something you either put up with and therefore allow.
Or you choose something better for you and your children.
That's on you.
You decide if you and your kids are worth more than this bullshit.

Christ, he needs to get his head straight before he pushes all that toxic masculinity crap onto your DS, perpetuating it into yet another generation.

Re. his workmates, I'd be absolutely certain that someone in that scenario is lying, most likely your H.
He may have mentioned it to one or 2, they may well have said "Oh I wouldn't let my missus do that" (also probably lying) but it's extremely unlikely that they'd ALL be unreconstructed neanderthals.

DH has tried to tell me "ALL his workmates think X" but when I've broken it down (he's a very bad liar and can't keep it up) it's been one, or maybe two, and the rest don't think like that at all or he didn't even ask them.

So yeah, I'm projecting my experience but I still think you're not getting a true story about it.

And even if you were, what has it got to do with you, and how you raise your own son? Fuck all, that's what. Your Dad sounds like a brilliant dad and you're following in his footsteps being a brilliant mum.

Dickwad, on the other hand, could learn a few things.

The kitchen - dear GOD! My boys have one. It's got a lovely sound and light hob on it - one makes boiling noises when you put a pan on, one makes sizzling noises. Fantastic! DH muttered but had learnt enough from the pushchair nonsense to actually say anything. They have a mini-Henry as well - DS2 STILL loves to play with this (although, to be fair, it hasn't translated to him wanting to play with the Miele :( )

Apart from anything else, the majority of girls being brought up in this day and age (not all, of course) are being brought up to expect equal participation from their partner - in housework, cooking, cleaning, baby care etc - and boys who are incapable of such aren't going to fare well as partners of choice! You're doing your son a massive favour.
Your H is trying to set your DS back 70 years.