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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to be brutally honest with me

175 replies

mommathatwearspink · 13/05/2020 13:17

I’m 29, 5ft1 and weigh 16st10. I get out of be breath easily, my back and feet hurt and I struggle to walk when I get out of bed in the morning and my feet are so stiff. I never feel attractive or confident and my DP said he found me more attractive when I was slimmer.
Before I got pregnant with my first DC (7yrs ago) I was just over 9st, confident and could buy pretty much whatever clothes I wanted.
I’ve tried to loose weight so many times that I’ve lost count and food just takes over my life.
I need other people’s brutal honesty, I need people to tell me how it is...

OP posts:
lunar1 · 13/05/2020 19:40

I'd get yourself on Keto, it worked for me and I lost 12 bmi points. The difference is I don't feel hungry on it and I've maintained for 5 months so far.

Wheresthebiffer2 · 13/05/2020 19:43

This is serious. You are very overweight. You MUST do something about it. Start tomorrow.

randomer · 13/05/2020 19:44

this is not about food.

Frouby · 13/05/2020 19:46

Loose weight and start living lovely. You are 29. So young. So much life left, don't waste it worrying about your weight.

You are seriously overweight. You know this. Don't do it for vanity do it for health reasons. Eat well, don't diet. See your body as a machine, put the best fuel in. It's so hard but will be so worth it for your health and nothing else.

KatherineJaneway · 13/05/2020 19:59

First of all there is a reason you are overeating. You need to find that source issue and tackle it. Sometimes it can be a revelation, I found out mine in 1988 and it was a shock as it was only hearing about someone else’s explanation of what they did that made me examine my behaviour to find out I did the same thing too.

Secondly, and I go against the MN mantra, exercise is really important. It burns calories, lightens your mood and increases metabolism. Build up over time if you find it hard. It is absolutely miserable at times but I have never come back from a walk or gym session wishing I had never gone.

I would not go on a drastic diet unless you are mentally prepared to see it through. I would start with smaller changes.

It sounds like you feel like you are in the middle of the sea all alone and food is your only method of buoyancy. To lose weight you have to let go and learn to swim. It is really hard but very much worth it Flowers

amusedbush · 13/05/2020 20:06

I’m 30 and I’ve struggled with my weight since I was a teenager due to MH issues and binge eating disorder. In 2017 I got to the smallest I’ve ever been as an adult (size 12, 5’5) and within six months I gained FIVE STONE. DH sat me down and told me that he didn’t find me attractive anymore, he was worried about me and I just seemed to be gaining and gaining weight without reining it in. He was gutted to say these things and we were both upset.

I’ve gone from a size 22 to a 14/16 since March last year but it has been slow. I tend to have bursts of calorie counting where I lose a chunk of weight, then I maintain it for a couple of months until I’m mentally ready to lose again. I have about 2.5 stone to go but there’s no rush, I know I’ll get there if I keep plodding on.

Don’t try to change everything at once because it’s too overwhelming and you’ll end up quitting. Calculate your TDEE using an online calculator and eat 80% of that number every day to avoid feeling too restricted.

Ariseandsmellthetea99 · 13/05/2020 20:06

Trying to shame yourself into eating less and exercising more is counter productive. Try investing in things that will make you feel happier and more confident and then focus on getting healthier.

ostinato · 13/05/2020 20:13

I disagree with PP who say you could eat unlimited fruit and veg...fruit in particular is full of sugars. You need to get comfortable with being hungry... our bodies are designed to freak out at being hungry, but we can override this...it’s fine to feel hungry for a while and it passes. I usually wait 20 mins...if I still feel hungry I eat a small piece of chicken, but normally I forget before the 20 mins is up. High protein / low carb is good, and exercise to build muscle which can be done through yoga...no need for weights other than your own body weight.

Bertucci · 13/05/2020 20:18

Lots of good advice on here.

You're only 29! Don't waste your 30s being fat.

nanbread · 13/05/2020 20:35

OP I would consider hypnotherapy. Not the virtual gastric band type, the type that treats you as a whole person. Once you start being able to think with your rational part of your brain, which hypnotherapy helps you do, you'll naturally find it easier to make choices you want to make, instead of sticking to habits you've got into, or mindless eating.

Ticklemeelmo · 13/05/2020 20:37

Hi OP if you are looking to get to a healthy weight, why not come over to the monthly lose 7lb weight loss thread on Mumsnet- It's a good way to keep yourself regularly accountable for the weight loss.
It has lots of friendly supportive people all with varying levels of weight to lose. It's been suggested further upthread, but setting mini goals and targets is a good way to go.

Gobbycop · 13/05/2020 20:43

Are you happy? If so then carry on as you are.

Do you want to lose weight? You don't need faddy diets just calorie count.

Eat less move more, simple principle maybe not so easy in practice.

Few things come easy though.

ThenSheSaidMore · 13/05/2020 20:53

I’ll be honest because I’ve been a similar weight in the last year.

Yes you are fatter than you ever have been.
Yes your back hurts because you are fat.
Yes you aren’t wearing what you want or don’t what you want.
Yes you will feel SO much better once you start eating better.
Yes you can be one of those arseholes that bleats about how they need to exercise to feel good. They are right as it turns out.
Yes you can lose this weight and feel a million times better.

Good luck. I’ve lost about 4 stone so far and I feel SO much better.

Whatusernamecanihave · 13/05/2020 21:12

I dont have anything to say other than I wish I could hug you :( 3 years ago I weighed 10st 7lb today I weigh 16st 4lb depression, anxiety, thyroid issues, alcohol dependency and too much food have landed me here it's awful every night I go to bed hating myself wake up vowing to stick to something get to half through the day mess it up give up and repeat.

I'm here if you want to talk xx

Pinklynx · 13/05/2020 21:31

The person who said it's not about food is spot on.

If you can find out what is going on that's triggered this overeating then you're halfway there. It's like any addiction you need to find out why you are self harming or self medicating or what you are suppressing which is causing you to eat that much. It's hard to believe you're really loving yourself if you're doing that to yourself and harming yourself in that way.

You can turn things round if you get the help and support you need and deserve. Those who you turn to will respect and admire you for taking the first steps. So please don't feel it's wrong or feel ashamed about asking for help. It takes courage to admit you have a problem.

tinkywinkyshandbag · 13/05/2020 21:34

Hi OP I am another feeling similar to you. I've just looked at the Toomuchonherplate website someone linked to and it's blown me away. I feel like I have a lot of emotional stuff to deal with. I was doing slimming world but it feels like just another form of self punishment. If anyone else is interested in some kind of self love/emotional eating/overeating support group I'd be up for it. The one thing I would say to you is you are still young - do it now so you can enjoy being a Mum, you will so regret it if you don't.

Tistheseason17 · 13/05/2020 21:36

Habitual dieter here until Jan. I've lost 4 stone st least 5 times and gained it back and more!

I decided I needed to change my mindset. My weakness was chocolate, biscuits and cake. So I decided that I needed to have a reason to lose weight that I couldn't ignore.

I needed to be healthy for my children as I am their example and I did not want them overeating and ending up like me. I needed to be the one making the right healthy decisions instead of do as I say and not as I do.

I also told EVERYONE I was giving up all of the bad stuff so that I would be too embarrassed to take a biscuit or share the cake! It worked and once I'd gone through sugar withdrawal it was fine.

Now, I'm not perfect and I do love to feel I've eaten loads so I just add a huge interesting salad with olives,piquant peppers, chillies etc to fill a plate so my mind is happy! I also sought healthier treat alternatives like itsu yoghurt covered rice crackers and nakd bars - just watch the sugar.

Neatly 4 stone down and it feels different this time. It is sustainable as I have a real motivating factor of my children, combined with realistic goal of 1-2lbs a week and keeping flavours interesting. When I'm starving I'll reach for odd strong flavours to stop me eating crap e.g. piccalilly or mustard!

Using My Fitness Pal also helps me to not overeat and understand the energy in what I'm eating.

Sorry, such a long post. I guess I'm just saying your mindset is the first thing to address - it does help.

And, you CAN do it. You've been there before and will again.

superram · 13/05/2020 21:40

I would look at rh fitness. It’s relatively cheap, uses mfp but there is support and exercises. Look on Facebook first

Ohnoducks · 13/05/2020 21:41

I grew up with a parent who was overweight. When I was 6 or 7 I learnt about healthy eating at school, and the risks of unhealthy eating. I developed a complete fear my parent was going to die. We weren't a religious family but every night for years I prayed that my parent wouldn't die overnight. I never told them how scared I was, and as an adult I wish I had as if one of my children was worrying about me I'd do anything to know I'd be there for them. You know you're morbidly obese, put a photo of your child on the fridge, drink a pint of water before you eat anything if you get hunger pangs, don't keep treat foods in the house, don't drink your calories (sugary drinks etc) and exercise in some form every day; as well as burning immediate calories it will boost your metabolism. Good luck!

mathanxiety · 13/05/2020 21:45

Have you ever had your thyroid checked?

Do you drink many calories?
For instance, squash, sweetened fizzy drinks, fruit juices and beverages, alcohol, full fat milk, lattes or any other cafe confections, milk shakes, sweetened yogurt drinks, smoothies..

The really great news is that you're only 29 and you have time and estrogen on your side. You can do this!

Try having a breakfast every day that includes enough protein to tide you over to lunch. Have a little dark chocolate.

Don't snack between breakfast and lunch.

4-5 hours after breakfast, lunch can be more protein, vegetables, with some carbs. Have some cheese afterwards.

Drink a cup of tea with a little sweet snack in the afternoon - a biscuit or two, a small muffin, small slice of cake. Touch up your makeup, spritz some perfume, file your nails/brush your hair.

Have a lighter dinner before 7pm - big bowl of soup, salad, cheese. Glass of wine perhaps.

No snacking after dinner.
To begin with, this might be hard. Get some small bags of popcorn (about 100 calories each) and have one if you feel you have cravings that are very hard to deal with. No cheesy flavour, just plain salted.
Or have a small glass of skimmed milk.

Focus on nourishing yourself with foods that your body needs for health - protein, calcium, vitamins, fibre, minerals including iron, some carbs. Give yourself a little of what you crave but cut it way down. Don't eat artificially lowered fat or artificially sweetened foods.
Try not to think about your changed diet in terms of taking away quantity, or reducing calories - look on it as adding value.

Plan meals weekly.
Consult lists of healthy foods to make sure you include all the major food groups. You will see there is a wide range of foods that are good for you that you can choose from.

If you WoH, bring a lunch with you - no cafe or restaurant lunches.

Look at your serving sizes. Follow serving size guidelines and proportions of various food groups on each plate of food you serve yourself.
Use smaller plates if you normally use a dinner plate.

Don't be nervous about feeling hungry. You can reassure yourself that you are on the road to health if you take a multivitamin and mineral supplement daily.

Start gradually with exercise.
Could you walk for 20 minutes each day for a week, then increase by ten minutes weekly until you are walking an hour each day?
You can gradually pick up the speed too.

Do some daily affirmations. Maybe take some time to sit with a candle lighting and think positive thoughts - your vision for yourself. Forgive yourself for any stumbles along the way.

ainsisoisje · 13/05/2020 22:00

So much good advice on here so small trivial thing that has helped with healthy eating - I’ve bought a fruit bowl and put it where I can’t avoid it i have to walk past it several times a day. Simple but surprising effective for a fruit avoider like me!

DamnYankee · 13/05/2020 22:03

I like intermittent fasting, too, and I'm not overweight. It just makes me feel lighter overall.
It's interesting that sometimes what feels like hunger isn't.

Happymum12345 · 13/05/2020 22:04

You can lose weight & become healthier. You don’t need anyone to tell you what to do or how to do it. Take each day at a time & you’ll get there. Flowers

evianbaby1 · 13/05/2020 22:04

Hi OP. You're almost 30. You're in your prime, these are your years to be in your best shape ever so don't waste them! Try the intermittent fasting and tracking calories on My Fitness Pal. Start working out just a little each day. If you carry on, you're going to be humongous. Do it for the kids. Be the parent your kids are proud of and that can run in the mums race on sports day and be in with a chance of getting winning!

mummytippy · 13/05/2020 22:16

Hi OP

I think @mathanxiety has very good advice.

I put on quite a bit of weight a few years ago and when I analysed my snacking... and my portion sizes... combined with little exercise there was no wonder.

Firstly I set myself smaller portions... imagined the actual size of my stomach and what it needed to fill it.

I cut out evening snacks (which sometimes were cheese and crackers!) and instead had a small glass of milk.

I also started to go for regular brisk walks, which I still do.

It was hard at first as I did feel hungry until my stomach shrunk but I got there.

I felt more energised and confident about myself.

You can do it OP... You just need to have a bit of self discipline and think about the end goal... mine was usually a beach holiday but obvs that's not happening anytime soon!

Good luck OP SmileFlowers