to wonder why do we treat picky eaters like their 'naughty'?

[calpolatdawn]

Ive always disagreed with this,making particular eaters as children feel awful and 'the parents made them. that way' maybe because theres ASD in my family we don't have a choice of 'shoving anything infront of them' and making them eat it. Even non ASD people have sensory issues regarding food, its usually smell, texture, taste, is it 'soggy' food or 'lumpy'. As a child i was picky, my mum didn't cook 5 meals she just didn't make things she knew i wouldn't like. and put serving dishes on the table so i picked up what i would eat and left what i wouldn't, there was never ever power fights, when i got older if i was being arsy i was told to make something myself then. And i would. No battles. As an Adult i am still particular more so with fruit than veg, i only eat 2 types of fruit and will to this day not eat lumpy yoghurts. Im not being 'whiny' or difficult, its not easy going through life with aversion to foods and going to a buffet and sighing that you could only eat 3 things. I don't think anyone would choose to be like that. I have 1 child who is like me, and one who isnt and is much more flexible. Is it just me who feels making children feel naughty for being picky eaters is wrong?

If you’re hungry enough you’ll eat anything.
My mum grew up during rationing and often went hungry, she’d still spit out her free school milk every day.

For a year and a half as a teenager I was under the care of guardians who seriously abused and starved me (seriously enough that it delayed puberty), there was one food I would never have been able to put in mouth and I literally ate paper and grass to feel full.

I’d bet money none of the posters banging on about starving people in the third world have never lived more than 50 miles from a Tesco.

I am surprised lots of these fussy eaters aren't malnourished.
That’s pretty ironic for someone being all preachy and judgmental over the idea of an autistic person being allowed to eat baked beans (which are officially one of your five a day, and high in protein and fibre).

It’s not right to make children feel bad for being children but equally you can’t just let them stay that way. You have to try something multiple times before you come to like it often

But surely at some point you just accept that some people don't like some foods ? My DS is 15 he has never liked peppers. He has tried them more than once. I would imagine that if he hasn't liked them in 15 years he never will.

I bet money none of the posters banging on about starving people in the third world have never lived more than 50 miles from a Tesco.

Probably not. But I bet the rather larger group who say that children's food preferences are due to parents influence probably do include parents who have lived in countries that, although poorer, have better eating habits.

Ie, it's considered poor parenting to give children the amount of junk they get in certain Western countries.

There is a difference for me between picky "I only want to eat what I love and don't want to try stuff even when I can" or picky "I have ARVID, ASD or some other disorder or it will make me gag". I pretty much hate cooking for the first group, sympathetic to the second. The first group can help it but choose not to.

I didn't like oats but they also didn't make me gag and due to my health it would be a good choice to eat for brrakfast. I then decided to eat oatmeel porridge every day till I liked it. It didn't even last 9 days till I bloody loved it. A lot of people can learn to eat most healthy foods.

TomPinch where has anyone said that on this thread? There’s been the odd mention of junk food (including nonsense like the “all picky eaters love chocolate”) but it’s mainly about autistic people, or people who hate a few things, and others getting all judgy and acting like having a wide palate makes you morally superior.

It’s posters saying stuff like they force themselves to eat the one vegetable they hate which makes them gag (and actually some people have a recessive gene where they can’t eat green peppers, so it’s really not a food you should force yourself to eat - and for God’s sake if something makes you gag/vomit don’t eat it!!) or judging autistic people for eating baked beans, that I dislike.

I think there is so much parental anxiety around eating. Childhood fussiness gets conflated with adulthood fussiness. Plus fussiness is seen to equal unhealthy eating.

Personally I was that fussy kid and I did get punished and belittled for not eating what was put in front of me. What possibly started as a sensory issue - I still dislike things that are soft and jelly like, Panna Cotta is not for me - became a battleground of temper tantrums, wretching, and vomiting. I used to have quite a fucked up relationship with food and I still feel the need to be secretive about eating junk food even though no-one is policing my eating now, unless I'm with my mother but that is a story for another thread . I can totally see how frustrating it was for my parents and I understand why they took the approach they did, common practice when I was younger and they didn't have much time or the skills to deal with me.

I aged out of my fussiness but on reflection I think it was because as an adult I got more autonomy over my food and I can actually cook whereas my parents are pretty dire. Think over boiled veg and dry pork chops.

My DD1 is fussy but I try not to make a big deal out of it and there is plenty of healthy food she will eat. I remember how I used to dread meals and how shitty I was made to feel, I don't want that for her.

Plus there seems to be this perception the parent of a good eater is in some way morally superior to the fussy eater. DD2 is a very adventurous eater, which may change but for now I suppose I am both saint and sinner

@PorpentiaScamander I hated parsley until my mid twenties. I now love it.

This has been playing on my mind all night. When I was younger, I was known to only eat plain chicken and plain rice or character shaped tin spaghetti - that type of thing. I never even liked those things. I wouldn’t dream of eating them now, and I never really used to them, I would be at the table for hours. I’d hide food in my pockets and throw it away/put it down the toilet. I had a friend who would sometimes help me by eating large amounts of it if my parents left the room (I don’t remember my parents ever being shitty with me about my eating though I must say, I don’t know why I did this) I used to throw my sandwiches away every day (why I didn’t always do this at school, I don’t know - I can remember my mum finding loads of mouldy tin foil wrapped sandwiches in the bin....one point we lived in a flat quite high up and I used to chuck them out my bedroom window, can only imagine the sight if you looked down!) everybody used to tell my mum “she will eat it eventually, she won’t starve” but I would. I would rather not eat than eat.

I eat many things now that my parents find absolutely bizarre (rare meat, spicy food, many things)

Maybe it is an element of control? Now I’m older I can control the food. A lot of people might have “sensory issues” or whatever but this isn’t diagnosed, imagine going to the doctors just to get a diagnosis to placate other people.

I hate my own fussy eating, I know others do, I try to avoid any fuss where possible, would never dream of going to someone’s house for a dinner party (unless they knew me well enough to know what I’m like!) sometimes I try things that I’ve akways said no to and like them now, I do think taste buds change.

A PP mentioned being a super taster, that’s what my doctor used to say about me as a child although now it sounds a bit like a myth. I can’t believe how often they used to take me to the doctors about it

I couldnt agree more, I am in my 50s, but luckily my mum never forced me to eat my whole plate, she would encourage me to try, IF I could. She even brought me home dinners on salad days as beetroot made me gag. She was brought up in an era where food was still being rationed, so you didnt waste it, but because of that, she was.put off so many foods.
One of my sons would only ever eat weetabix, this went on for months, but he got fed up with it. They were both given a choice of foods and like your mum, they could help themselves to the foods they liked. Both in their 30s now, eat anything, incredibly healthy eaters and never needed one bit of dental work.
Oh, but I still hate Beetroot!

My picky children eat chocolate but only if it’s 70% + cocoa content.

Because it is incredibly annoying. My dd would only eat bread, rice and pasta if I let her......and biscuits, sweets, granola bars, chewing gum etc so no I don't tolerate her picky eating

I think some of this depends on the picky eaters you’ve personally encountered.

I’ve met a few who were generally very unadventurous and unwilling to try new things, and who had parents who were similar, so if I’m honest I found it really hard to believe they were born not liking the food and were not just making choices about behaviour.

So I think what bothers me isn’t anyone who’s genuinely unable to eat a wide range of food or very particular about it - it’s people who are unwilling to even try.

It's excusing laziness to say "my kids can't eat greens because issues, or because ASD". As has been pointed out, there are ASD kids who are great eaters.

I think you need to learn more about ASD. It's a spectrum condition and this doesn't mean a spectrum from not autistic to super autistic. It's a large selection of attributes (language, social communication, sensory issues, perception, many more) and each individual with autism has different abilities within each attribute.

You can have autistic people who don't struggle with food texture, but that doesn't mean that therefore all autistic people have the ability to not struggle with food texture. What you've said is a bit like saying "there are amazing paralympic swimmers with no arms, therefore if you have no arms you have no excuse to not be good at swimming".

Not liking the taste of something doesn't make you picky. I hate the taste of tomatoes, it literally makes me vomit and even the smell is gross. Why would I eat something that makes me throw up? You've got to be a special kind of stupid to think that's a good idea.

Disliking one food doesn’t make you a picky eater. It’s people who won’t try anything new and make a face at others’ choices that bug me.

I was a fussy eater. My dm made me eat liver, kidneys, quiche, fish etc etc. Do I eat them as an adult - definitely not. I have taken a more relaxed approach with my ds's. At one stage ds2 was extremely restricted in his food intake but pretty much eats everything now - even some of the items on my would not touch it with a barge pole list. In fairness my dm was on a much tighter budget than us.

My kids are good eaters. I ascribe that to good decisions we made when they were very young, most particularly by keeping sweets, chips and other junk away from them

So did/do I. Baby led weaning from the start. Everything fresh, organic, home made stuff for every meal. He's 3.5 now and is struggling with a very restricted diet. He will try new things, but he can't eat them, they make him gag and wretch.

I don't know what to do. I suspect it's a sensory thing but I don't know. But it's not because I just gave/give him chips and nuggets.

I was a bit of a picky eater as a child in a very specific way, in that I would get a taste for a particular meal, then I would happily eat that and ONLY that night after night until I went off it.

Our household did eat oddly though. My sister and I would usually eat between 5 and 6 even til our late teens when we could have easily waited til my dad came home to eat together at 7. We'd rarely eat the same meal altogether at the same time.

I had no problem with variable lunches or breakfasts, and my dinners were usually pretty healthy affairs - ok for calories and veg. I think it suited my mum to make the same thing every day and get back to her desk quickly.

I have had food issues as an adult, but I'm pretty sure they're unrelated (weight gain during a period of high stress and low activity, now lost), and I'll certainly eat whatever's put in front of me!

I think its actually quite lazy to be so inflexible, what if your child did go hungry would you allow a young to go to bed hungry because your incapable of adapting a dish slightly?, it would also make me question where else in that childs life you would refuse to make reasonable adjustments.

It depends. I have a friend with a cery narrow diet, he will, very occasionally try something, but I know he might not like it and after the olive incident - well never again.

On the other hand my brother was the origional picky eater, this was the 1970s so school dinners were no choice, mum had to write to the head to say not to give him potatoes.

I've seen him turn down a full roast dinner, served in dishes so you helped yourself and mum would make him a ham sandwich.

But, and this annoyed me as a child, when we went to France on holiday he would pick random things from the menu and always eat them. He woul;dn't even know what he had ordered.

I completely disagree with OP. Now the accusation of being inflexible is directed at the parent?

It's the child who is inflexible. And no one seems to want to address that as a core issue or problem?

Some of the earlier posts I don't think refer to a child whom I would consider fussy. It's fine not to like a particular food. That's not fussy!
It's ok not to like green peppers, or bananas.

But children who have a very very limited diet, who only eat a very few things, a very limited range? That's what fussy is. And sometimes, not always it's a mindset thing of the child. And that should be addressed.

Lots of kids would only eat chicken nuggets and chips if left to it!

My kids are good eaters. I ascribe that to good decisions we made when they were very young, most particularly by keeping sweets, chips and other junk away from them

Of course it's all to do with your superior "parenting" and nothing to do with the fact that they just like eating healthy things. I like eating salad and snack on carrots and tomatoes. My DH and DS do not. That is nothing to do with my failings (or my MIL's failing as she was a very good cook). On the other hand they both eat Brussels sprouts and I don't.

Put away the smug pants.

I was a picky eater as a child, but as an adult I found it embarrassing to be the odd person out so I started forcing myself to eat things I didn’t like. I eat broccoli every week but can’t stand the taste.

What do you do then?

My five year old is a fab eater and will eat pretty much anything I make for her (she doesn’t like peppers so I don’t use them when I cook for her).

My two and a half year old is a pain the backside with food. She will eat two bites, lose interest and then she’s done. Claims she doesn’t like it but it’s not true. She just doesn’t want to sit at the table and she would happily eat crap all day long.

So what do I do? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I was worrying about it but now if she doesn’t eat her meal she gets a yogurt and that’s it. She never complains of being hungry (if she did I’d probably make her a sandwich or something)

This is a complex issue to dissect because there is a huge spectrum of what constitutes picky eating. It can include anything from sensory aversions to food to the point of gagging to people who simply are not interested in trying new foods or cuisines to people who cut out entire cuisines or food groups. The latter puzzles me the most, like when people say they dislike 'Indian' food as an entire cuisine - are they basing that on butter chicken or chicken tikka masala from their local? Is it really possible to dislike an entire cuisine which includes a massive range of textures, dishes and flavour profiles ranging from sweet to sour to spicy? I think some of picky eating of that variety does stem from ignorance, because there is no single flavour profile in 'Indian' cuisine - it is a huge country with many different subcultures and associated foods.

I also do think there is an element of learned behaviour to some selectivity with food and it's certainly a privilege to be able to be able to choose your food based on preferences - it doesn't mean selectivity with food is inherently wrong, but some of it is due to being given the space and freedom to choose. DH grew up in a very poor country for the first part of his life and he eats just about anything put in front of him. I, on the other hand, have any number of foods I dislike and although my parents tried with certain foods e.g. fish, I knew I'd never go hungry if I didn't eat it. How much of this is due to DH inherently not being a picky eater and me being an inherently more selective eater is difficult to say, but I'd argue at least some it is learned through experience.

None of the above applies people with ASD, btw.