to wonder why do we treat picky eaters like their 'naughty'?

[calpolatdawn]

Ive always disagreed with this,making particular eaters as children feel awful and 'the parents made them. that way' maybe because theres ASD in my family we don't have a choice of 'shoving anything infront of them' and making them eat it. Even non ASD people have sensory issues regarding food, its usually smell, texture, taste, is it 'soggy' food or 'lumpy'. As a child i was picky, my mum didn't cook 5 meals she just didn't make things she knew i wouldn't like. and put serving dishes on the table so i picked up what i would eat and left what i wouldn't, there was never ever power fights, when i got older if i was being arsy i was told to make something myself then. And i would. No battles. As an Adult i am still particular more so with fruit than veg, i only eat 2 types of fruit and will to this day not eat lumpy yoghurts. Im not being 'whiny' or difficult, its not easy going through life with aversion to foods and going to a buffet and sighing that you could only eat 3 things. I don't think anyone would choose to be like that. I have 1 child who is like me, and one who isnt and is much more flexible. Is it just me who feels making children feel naughty for being picky eaters is wrong?

MIL always chops up onion about an inch long and throws it in food just before serving.

Bleuggh. I love onion but it either needs to be cooked out or properly raw, crunchy and tangy.

Completely agree with you, OP. My mum's Italian and we were all raised the same way, eating everything from day one. My grandfather was also a chef so we ate regularly at his and his friends' restaurants and were the guinea pigs for new dishes (pasta sushi, anyone?) Out of 6 siblings, one is pretty picky, and the rest of us aren't. The doctors' take was always that his limited diet of white, bland foods was fine and that it would be damaging to make a huge fuss and force him to eat things he didn't want.

However as an adult who feeds myself most of the time - with friends we tend to go out so apart from Christmas dinner cooked by BIL I think the last time I went to a friend's house for a dinner was February 2019 - either eating at home or choosing my food in a restaurant, I am incredibly picky and rotate a fairly small number of ingredients, despite the fact that I can cook quite well, in fact I've eaten the same lunch on weekdays for years.

My main take on picky eating is that's the issue of the eater (and their parents, if they're a young child) and it is very rude to comment on it.

Being fussy is a choice.
I don't think it's as simple as that though. I really want to like certain foods, bananas are one example. I've tried them a couple of times a year for over twenty years and each time I heave and often throw up. I want to
like them but my body chooses otherwise.

I do think though that those saying it is being childish to not eat certain foods and annoying if you have to cater for that is a bit mean really. If you are making food for family or friends why would you even consider making something that you know they don't/can't eat? Why? Why would you do something so cruel to people you presumably like/love. What pleasure would you get watching someone with something they really don't want to eat and having them force it down. That's a horrible thing to do to a person.

I don’t think that’s what anyone meant though?

Personally I would just find it immensely stressful!

Not true of children with a diagnosis of ARFID which is Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder.
There are going to be a whole heap of ill informed and judgemental people on this thread.

Of course there are rare disorders like this which are a different matter, but many fussy eaters are just that way because they were over indulged. I used to play a game where I'd try and get my sister to eat things she said she didn't like. She still claims not to like pawpaw but she ate it a good few times thinking it was melon.

Besides, don't let out kids scream swear words at people just because some have taurettes.

@alittlerespectgoesalongway you think people aren’t allowed to find things annoying?

Not what I said. The post also included "just eat it for god's sake". You can get annoyed sure if you want but expecting people to eat things they find repulsive in order to save you from being annoyed is pretty narcissistic I think.

*I think fussy adults don’t realise it’s annoying and will of course disagree with others who find it so.

I think if you’re fussy you need to accept that this is going to be irritating for others! *

I totally do accept this. My friends might suggest going for a Thai meal but I hate Thai food. Or a posh Indian which doesn't do anything mild enough or me (there are a couple near me). I'd be cool if they decided to go there without me but they are also happy to find somewhere else we can both be happy eating. They don't expect me to sit there whilst they eat or have food which is too hot for me to eat, or tastes of lemon grass and therefore makes me gag. They know I've tried these places as it was with them and they could see that the food was not edible to me. They are nice people so compromise. Like I do.

A lot of the time it's because people seem to think children shouldn't be allowed food preferences. There's a difference between allowing children some choice and absolutely pandering to them.

I also think people turn it into a battle ground sometimes when it doesn't need to be one. I have a relative who had an obsession with broccoli. Her kid was a really good eater, but wouldn't eat broccoli. She turned meals into a battle instead of just focussing on the zillion things he did like. Even now he's suspicious of sauces because she sneaked broccoli into so many. He just doesn't like it.

I've put the main component of the meal (chicken, beef, whatever) on the plate and then put everything else in help yourself bowls on the table ever since a HV recommended it when my two girls were young. It does mean that occasionally one of them had loads of carrots and the other loads of peas instead of a mix, but it really worked. It's worked on the younger three as well.

Serving it that way can also help you pick up patterns. I finally twigged that DD2's issue was texture rather than taste when I realised she avoided broccoli, cauliflower and asparagus as well as tomatoes, kiwis and peaches (it took ages because she'd eat some things and not others, realised it was texture rather than taste).

I am pretty certain the vast majority of adults and children labelled 'picky' by others are VERY well aware of how irritated other people are by them.

Because ya don't keep it to yourselves do you?

Oooh just try, how do you know you don't like it if you don't try it, oh go on just a little bit... ooh aren't you fussy, if you were starving you would... in my day we didn't have choice... etc etc etc, ad actual nauseum.

I would rather starve than eat something that makes me heave and gag - gagging causes me pain, it also these days causes me to choke and piss my pants. I'll take being hungry over that ta.

Eating something that disagrees with my gallstones causes me agonising, morphine requiring pain and side effects that will last for DAYS... sometimes longer. I'll give it a miss.

But you probably wouldn't know about that, because I don't tend to go into details about my many and varied health issues, it's boring, I go for the polite 'no thankyou' or 'I'd rather not thanks'.. and of course by the time you DO push and push and push and demand some explanation for the reason I won't 'ooh go on just try it', my genuine, physical, medical issues are tuned out as 'excuses'....

Ive never offered opinions on what other people eat unless its necessary, ie 'oh are you having the kippers, in that case excuse me I'll go and sit over there/pop back later'... etc.. more polite than vomiting across the table I think, but even THAT has been treated as me being rude in the past (and on that occasion when prevented from leaving because i ought to 'get over it' I did indeed vomit all over the persons table, plate, and front, violently! Something I apparently 'did on purpose'...)

Leave folk alone about what they don't eat, even little kids - I was that kid forced to eat the same meal over and over, shouted at for refusing, force fed fucking SPAM and fish - it doesn't help, at all.

It’s the “sighing because you could only eat there things” that winds people up. Eat or don’t eat, you’re an adult. Just certainly don’t be “sighing” because you don’t like the buffet...

Conversely the food police are equally tedious. As long as the non-eater isn’t sighing and making an unpleasant fuss, people should refrain from nagging or interrogating about why they aren’t eating particular things.

There are a lot of difficulties people can have with food rather than just allergies- coeliac disease, intolerances like lactose or histamine, sensitivities to FODMAPs (IBS). Consistent exposure to foods that cause these kinds of difficulties can have really bad consequences for people.

I do wonder if sometimes forcing people to eat things they don’t like as children teaches them to over-ride their perceptions of their own responses. And that makes it more difficult to get to the root of problems if they occur.

It’s possible to have a mild adrenaline response when you eat foods you are intolerant to. It’s easy to interpret that shot of energy as enjoyment of the food and therefore actually include that food in your diet more often.

I was a picky eater as a child. Wasn't usually forced to eat stuff or given a hard time about it. I'm not a picky eater now. I really don't believe forcing kids to eat stuff changes their habits as adults. What I do remember is, the odd time I was forced to eat more of something I didn't like, how disgusting it was and how much I hated it. Feel sorry for kids whose parents make them eat things they don't like on a regular basis. It is awful. Forcing them to eat risotto won't foster a love of risotto. Madness.

Betcha that most kids with food issues wouldn't have them if junk wasn't an alternative. It's excusing laziness to say "my kids can't eat greens because issues, or because ASD". As has been pointed out, there are ASD kids who are great eaters.

Including one of mine, as it happens. My kids are good eaters. I ascribe that to good decisions we made when they were very young, most particularly by keeping sweets, chips and other junk away from them. As we got made to feel like cranks and wierdos by other parents for doing that, I reckon we can have some credit now.

Something I find bizarre is the "they wouldn't be fussy if they were hungry". I remember being positively hungry as a child and making the decision to eat the food on the plate even though I hated it.

Now in my case it was extreme because my father was evil and would deliberately put out food he knew we didn't like, but I still never, ever want my kid to eat something they detest because hunger is alternative.

my mother grew up in a poor/low income household and will eat anything

So did i yet im super picky. Id rather go hungry than try force down food that makes me dry heave based on texture.

For instance
frozen peas are fine to eat, cooked are not, Its texture
Banana flavour, fine, actual banana not, texture again
I wont eat pre made tomato sandwiches, bread goes soggy and yuk
Dont like the feeling of spicy food, mild butter chicken my limit
Allergic to seafood but due to smell i wouldnt eat it anyway

@FloutMyArse

Conversely the food police are equally tedious.

The food police.

That would be

• Old ladies at play mornings who stuff kids with biscuits.
• Crisp sandwiches at after school care
• piles of shit at birthday parties.
• parents who complain about no junk policies at school.
• parents who think not having regular KFC is weird or cruel
• parents who say that encouraging your child is performance parenting

I could go on. THOSE are the true food police, and the reason for poor diets and health.

I was a very picky eater as a child, there were very few foods that i liked, buy i definitely wasn't naughty. I hated all vegetables, most fruit, fish and most meats. I would have lived on sandwiches if i had been allowed. I ended up being hospitalised i was so underweight. I am from a huge family and the only picky one. I eat almost everything now though.

Forgot to mention we were a very low income family and junk food was not available. So if i didn't like it, i went hungry.

I was poor as a child, as in no heat, light, hot water, minimal food poor. When my mum couldn't afford the food I could eat, I wouldn't eat- sometimes for weeks. For me, it was a case of starve or vomit for hours as my body rejects every last bit of the food, whether it's hidden in other things or not. For me it's a combination of being intolerant to a wide variety of things and being a super taster.
I had an incredibly strict mother who believed that as a guest in someone's home you had to eat whatever they cooked without complaint. I would often walk home after visiting family vomiting every few steps with my mum complaining about the embarrassment I was causing a few steps ahead. Unfortunately, it's not something I grew out of.
Obviously friends just think I'm picky, I don't tend to share the consequences of what happens when the restaurant cooks my steak in butter rather than oil for example. I can't tell the difference until a few hours later when I'm sick yet again.

@chickedeee your health visitor was wrong. I know a very picky child who won't eat anything sweet including chocolate. His mum even made him a bread cake for his birthday.

My DS ate pretty much anything but my DD was picky. I made sure every meal was balanced because I couldn't be sure she would eat the next meal so didn't want all veg to come from dinner for example in case she decided she wasn't eating dinner. Once she started on finger food she wouldn't eat any mixed up food. She didn't like food touching on a plate and when I made things like cottage pie I had to put all the component parts in little bowls for her before I put them altogether and in the oven for us. She's definitely got better over time as she's got older and reasonably open to trying new things. She has always preferred plain over sauces and i've taken the view why would I try and get her to eat say curry or carbonara when she's very likely to spend her adult life trying not to eat those kinds of foods because let's face it, they are not healthy. If she's happy with a plain chicken breast, steamed veg and rice why would I try and get her to eat something else?

I would consider myself to be particularly about food rather than fussy. I eat a healthy balanced diet and i'm not going to eat things I don't want to because someone else thinks I should. If something is healthy I will try but if it's not then I won't. Everyone's body is different, diet impacts massively on weight and there can be loads of knock on effects. We live in a country where the social norm is to eat anything you are served but I just don't think that's appropriate in 2020.

To a certain extent, fussy children can be avoided by parents only offering reasonable healthy meals and not feeding them a load of beige freezer section shit. I can’t believe how many times I’ve read posters discussing how something basic, like risotto, is not for children.

It’s not right to make children feel bad for being children but equally you can’t just let them stay that way. You have to try something multiple times before you come to like it often. Very few people are born liking caviar and olives, their parents just teach them to.

@chickedeee I know one picky eater that refuses anything sweet. Doesn’t eat chocolate at all. My picky children eat chocolate but only if it’s 70% + cocoa content.

Oh and Rhodri, I had pica as a small child, so would literally eat anything, the dogs bones directly from the dog's mouth, mud, stones, plastic, raw offal, paper, soap, fabric, urine, metal. For me it was never a matter of it tasting bad, just my body cannot and will not tolerate it. Hope that helps.