In thinking that DD should be settling down by now?

[Jjsiter]

DD turned 28 last week. She lives in central London (flat share with a friend) and has a good job in financial services. I’m very proud of her, we have always been close as she’s an only child and we are still in touch daily. Since moving to London 4 years ago, she’s spent her time there very much living the party lifestyle. Most weekends she’ll be up until the early hours with friends, drinking and doing god knows what else. Even during the week she’ll often be out drinking with colleagues after work and then be rushing to get to work the following morning after a very late night. DD’s whole life seems to revolve around socialising with her friends and partying, which is constantly a worry for me. For instance, she earns enough to be in the very fortunate position of being able to purchase her own property in London, but has shown no interest in doing this at all as she claims to prefer living with friends. Whilst she’s been ‘seeing’ men here and there, DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men. I’m happy that DD is enjoying herself, but I cant help but feel as though she has reached an age where she should be thinking about her future and may regret her decision in terms of failing to prioritise her health and well-being, meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

According to DD, her lifestyle is absolutely normal for somebody of her age living in the city and she has no plans to settle down. In fact, DD tells me that many of her close friends are in their 30s-early 40s and still living the same lifestyle. Admittedly I’m an older parent, but am I really so completely out of touch in that this is the new normal for professionals living in the city?

. For instance, she earns enough to be in the very fortunate position of being able to purchase her own property in London, but has shown no interest in doing this at all as she claims to prefer living with friends. Whilst she’s been ‘seeing’ men here and there, DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men.

Ppffft, leave her alone!
She's an adult who sounds like she has a good income, therefore a good stable job/career.
So what if she's had "many suitable men" interested * (suitable for who? You? )
She sounds fine to me, perfectly normal to be "out partying" or however you want to put it.
If you'd said she was still living at home in your basement and not paying her way or whatever, you'd have more of a point.
Oh and YABU!

"I say unfortunately because, despite all the fun and partying, deep down a lot of my female friends were also secretly panicking and wanted to settle down, but got swept up in the lifestyle and couldn't find any men who wanted to commit. "

So what? A lot of women settle down and commit and have a shit time of it too.

but got swept up in the lifestyle and couldn't find any men who wanted to commit. "

Noes! Maybe they'll all have gone dusty on the shelf by now and your dd might too?! (Did I wander into 1950s MN by accident lol) If she's had "many suitable men" interested, who says she want to settle down anyway? She sounds like she's doing alright.

I live in London and know of no-one under 35 who has married or had kids. I myself met DH late 30's and pregnant at 39. It's perfectly normal in answer to your question.

On a broader note it is very sad that the phrase "settling down" should still be used as some kind of aspirational benchmark for women (never men) once they reach late 20's. If I had done that at 29 I'd have missed out on a decade on amazing opportunities that simply wouldn't have been achievable with children.

That said, in my 40's and married now but I still don't feel like I've "settled down". What a god-awful phrase. This isn't the 1950's. Life is an adventure.

DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men - this sounds very Pride and Prejudice!

I think other then the no long term relationships you have nothing to worry about. Only reason I would worry about in regards to the relationship is that to meet the right person can take time. Then ideally people don't move in together until 1 or 2 years of dating. I do think it is healthy to also have lived with the person for 3 years before considering marrige and children to really think if this is the person they can and want to built a life with etc. So that is 5 years between meeting and building a life together. Nothing to be overly worried about yet but maybe something worth mentioning to her to keep in the back of her mind

This seems pretty common.

Some then wait to inherit from grandparents and parents and get their property etc that way.... party all the way.

It's her life though so nothing you can do about it. Leave your home to the cat sanctuary ...

God what an archaic post. She might, just might want to settle down with a nice woman too OP.

I lived the life your DS is living now and loved it. Got married mid 30's then had DS two years later.

Both my Dsis's who married "nice men" in their early twenties are now both divorced.

DH and I have been together 28 yrs.

She has got plenty of time. It's her life, let her live it.

"Noes! Maybe they'll all have gone dusty on the shelf by now and your dd might too?!
(Did I wander into 1950s MN by accident lol)"

I swear this place has gone really weird recently, it used to be full of cool mums and now it's full of women wringing their hands in despair at their spinster daughter.

Please don’t try to live your daughters life for her
And pfff to all those posters who think this lifestyle is a recent thing for younger generations
I am retired now but spent the 1970’s and 1980’s living in very central London. Working hard , flat sharing , spending. Loved every minute of it.
Surely we didn’t fight for equality so hard in the 60’s just so we could make women feel they should “ settle down “ if they want to be happy !

Unfortunately this is normal in London. All my friends there only started to settle down in their late thirties (the women at least), when they suddenly realised that time was running out. They then hastily had a baby at around 40! Just one. I think that the property prices force a cohabiting student kind of lifestyle and saving for a home seems somewhat pointless. The men seem even less in a hurry to settle down.

My god @TiddlestheCat please come out if the 18th century and check your prejudice!

Not every women who has kids around 40 does so because they're running out of time!! . Heaven forbid if you don't meet a suitable man by 40 you'll have to marry the first chump who comes your way, otherwise you could end up (whisper it) a spinster!! And the men not keen to settle down?! The cads!!

Bloody hell, your judgement is nauseating!

@CamdenRd But surely to have a child by mid 30s early 40s it would be advisable to be more selective about relationships by the late 20s

Unfortunately this is normal in London

Not just London. Under normal circumstances I work in Sheffield with loads of late 20s/early 30s and older people who are young, free and single with no intention of settling down yet.

Settling down with someone was the worst mistake I ever made. It’s absolutely not for everyone.

I'd definitely buy a property if I was her....But maybe wait a bit to see if prices in London nosedive with a Covid-recession.
As for 'settling down'...It is up to her.
But get that house or flat bought! Renting is dead money.
She can always rent a room to a friend.
Maybe she doesn't want kids..Not all women do.
Nothing you can do to change her behaviour, but as long as sh keeps herself 'safe', that is all that matters {eg, not drinking to liver damaging excess, or eating away her septum with cocaine}...It's her money, her life, but renting when one can buy seems a bit daft to me..

"But get that house or flat bought! Renting is dead money."

Maybe she doesn't want to.

Not everyone wants to be tied to a property.

@CloudsCoveredTheSky I guess that's the thing though if she does want a house, if she does want kids she needs to start thinking what she wants 10 -15 years down the line and take the steps towards it.

@lovepickledlimes It's not a bloody cattle market! Many people don't even meet someone they would consider having a committed relationship with until they're late 30's. Unless you're recommending "settling" for someone who's not good enough or not right earlier, which I would never do, no want my own child to do.

@clouds Covered the sky
Property is no way a 'tie'.....It is how my travelling friends live...Rent out their house while they travel.
Mortgage free by maybe 50... Whereas rent is paid for ever.
It is a big mistake to think of owning a house/flat as a ''tie''...they are a way to financial freedom in the future..

The only bit of your post with any validity is possibly the idea of buying property as an investment. Which is usually a pretty good idea even if you decide not to live in said property.

The rest is outdated nonsense. How old ARE you?? I thought "settling down" had been left in the 50s! I'm in my 50s and lived exactly this lifestyle until I met DH early 30's - as did all my friends - and I'm at the opposite end of the country in the wilds of Scotland. Only one of my friends got married before 30 and he turned out to be a narcissistic controlling asshole who she's now divorced.

Something like 1 in 4-5 women remain childfree all their lives. Hubby and kids is def not for everyone. It's very presumptuous of you to assume she even wants this at all, ever. And yes she may be gay, or bi, or just having a perfectly normal time in her 20's!

Your DD is having a fab time - why can't you just be happy for her?

I'm jealous too! I'm not in London but I lived there in my early twenties and had a whale of a time. At your daughters age I was living it up in Sydney which was even better.

I met DH over there and we moved home when I was 29 and had DD1 at 30. I was the only one of my friends to have a baby. They started following suit at 32-34 but many haven't yet and many have no plans to. I'm often wistful of those days and in hindsight would have waited another few years as there really was no rush and you never get that freedom back again.

I understand your concern but I would leave her to live her life as she sees fit. She may eventually have enough of the party lifestyle and decide to focus on other things career/dating/family as most people do but that's up to her. Other than voicing concern for health (re:excessive drinking) I'd leave her be.

At 28 I was doing exactly the same except I was stressing about the fact no nice men seemed to like me - self esteem was terrible. Didn't appreciate my parents asking when I was going to settle down either! Made me feel more anxious and as if noone was interested. Behind the scenes she probably is trying to find herself a nice boyfriend and perhaps these 'suitable men' are not actually being that nice to her. She should definitely buy herself a nice flat if she can afford it though, doing that completely set me up for life. By the way at 33 I met my husband, married at 35, baby at 36, etc etc. In line with the majority of my London friends (not school friends who did it all earlier). Totally normal to marry and have babies in your 30s.

I lived that life in my 20s, and I'm now in my 50s. Totally normal in London

@CamdenRd certainly would not recomend settling which is why at 28 if she does want kids might need to evaluate if her lifestyle now might effect her future later or would you recommend that at 45 and still no right guy she just grabs the next best bloke that is not a complete ass to just have a child.

If she never wants a house or kids she is fine and should be left alone but she should be told if she does want a house and kids one day she needs to start thinking about what she wants

Ah we never stop worrying about them do we OP?

I partied through my twenties and had my first child at 30. But I'd been partying since 16; it had all got a bit old. The years when my kids were all small were lovely; I think of them much more fondly than my clubbing young free and single years.

I was 28 when I got together with DP; we'd already been friends a couple of years, we knew each other well and were sure. I'd agree with a previous poster that having at least five years between meeting someone and having a child with them is an ideal scenario.

Many hurried late thirties, rush for a child relationships seem to not go the distance.