In thinking that DD should be settling down by now?

[Jjsiter]

DD turned 28 last week. She lives in central London (flat share with a friend) and has a good job in financial services. I’m very proud of her, we have always been close as she’s an only child and we are still in touch daily. Since moving to London 4 years ago, she’s spent her time there very much living the party lifestyle. Most weekends she’ll be up until the early hours with friends, drinking and doing god knows what else. Even during the week she’ll often be out drinking with colleagues after work and then be rushing to get to work the following morning after a very late night. DD’s whole life seems to revolve around socialising with her friends and partying, which is constantly a worry for me. For instance, she earns enough to be in the very fortunate position of being able to purchase her own property in London, but has shown no interest in doing this at all as she claims to prefer living with friends. Whilst she’s been ‘seeing’ men here and there, DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men. I’m happy that DD is enjoying herself, but I cant help but feel as though she has reached an age where she should be thinking about her future and may regret her decision in terms of failing to prioritise her health and well-being, meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

According to DD, her lifestyle is absolutely normal for somebody of her age living in the city and she has no plans to settle down. In fact, DD tells me that many of her close friends are in their 30s-early 40s and still living the same lifestyle. Admittedly I’m an older parent, but am I really so completely out of touch in that this is the new normal for professionals living in the city?

Oh yes OP it’s totally normal but, in my opinion, a bit sad to do long term.

I spent my early 20’s in London living this life and had many friends and colleagues doing the same. It was all well and good for those of us

*early 30’s

You doing like my mother who sees my only reason for living is to provide her with grandchildren. Well unfortunately we can’t as we have fertility problems that I am not discussing with her as they are private. I get asked by her a lot ‘are you going to have kids?’ ‘You’re 40 you better have a child NOW!’ I have accepted my life will be childless but not meaningless and that’s ok. Does your daughter want children? I only met my DH when I was 27, do you bc want her to just settle down with any make that cones her way even if he’s not right. I remember being single and my mother saying ‘I’ll never get to be a granny the way you carry on!’ Sorry mum I’ll just shack up with the next fella I see shall I?

My lifestyle was exactly the same at her age. It was great fun!!

YABU

That's completely normal and was in the 90s when I was in my twenties. Partying hard til babies came along (which for my peer group began any age from 32-28) was definitely the norm. Gradually people drifted into couples and owning flats (harder now) but the partying and mad holidays still continued until babies slowed them down.

She is only 28, not 38.

She sounds similar to how I was at that age.

Leave her be.

*(32-38)

I think she sounds perfectly normal OP .

I would say its very normal for someone of this age group to not want to settle down and just have fun.

I was like this 20 year ago, had a brilliant time in my 20s (look back on it now and glad that I 'lived' a life), got married when in I was in my 30s.

Sounds like a cousin's lifestyle. She's in her late 50s, going strong in a career that was hard to get established in as a woman in the 80s and expected to have a short time before she got too "old" because of the distorted value of youth. There wasn't an opportunity to "settle down" that didn't feel like second best.

Fine to "settle" when a more appealing opportunity comes along, but doing it because that's what you do inevitably leads to regrets.

@someone1987 you're welcome :) make up for it now as much as you can, most people I've spoken to have said your 30s and 40s are the best years as you're still youthful but have more stable finances and are less self conscious than in your 20s, so you enjoy life, you deserve it :)

When one of my friends got married at 27, we all thought she'd gone quite mad.

Now we're all in our 40s, most people have married and had children, but I still know plenty who haven't and who are out a lot and rent with friends.

Why not? When you look at a lot of marriages and the amount of moaning people do about their kids, it doesn't seem that outlandish that many people are not interested in that anymore.

Your judgement of her needs to fuck off. She sounds independent and successful and more importantly, happy. A woman’s success is NOT measured by whether she’s with a man or has children. Believe it or not, she’s free to choose her own path and do as she pleases, these days... I can’t believe I’m even reading this.

"She is only 28, not 38.

She sounds similar to how I was at that age.

Leave her be."

And if she was 38?

Not everyone wants the same thing.

Unfortunately this is normal in London. All my friends there only started to settle down in their late thirties (the women at least), when they suddenly realised that time was running out. They then hastily had a baby at around 40! Just one. I think that the property prices force a cohabiting student kind of lifestyle and saving for a home seems somewhat pointless. The men seem even less in a hurry to settle down.

Not everyone wants to settle down and have kids

My aunt lived the 'single London life' of high earning, partying, travel and moving from one shared rented accommodation to another until her late 30's when she met her now husband. She had a fabulous time and has seen much of the world through work and holidays. She's chosen not to have children and has bought her first home with her dh at the age of 45. She's very happy with life and has no regrets.

Gosh you'd be awfully disappointed in me if I were your daughter OP. I'm almost 35 without a marriage or children and have no interest in having either of them. And I don't even have the excuse of living in London either!

"Oh yes OP it’s totally normal but, in my opinion, a bit sad to do long term."

No, you know what is sad? Sitting around judging other people's lifestyles.

It is pure insecurity. You got married and had children, so you need everyone else to do the same to validate your choices. Probably because you didn't actually want to do those things but you felt you had to.

She's living in London with a great job, meeting new people, hanging out with friends...what's sad about that? It sounds fucking great.

"Unfortunately this is normal in London."

Eee, that London.

I say unfortunately because, despite all the fun and partying, deep down a lot of my female friends were also secretly panicking and wanted to settle down, but got swept up in the lifestyle and couldn't find any men who wanted to commit. Some of them have now left it too late to have the family that they would have liked. They say, that from a health point of view, you should plan to have your last baby by around 37, after which fertility/complication difficulties increase. That said, some of my friends did meet the right person in their early to mid thirties, started a family prompto, then moved out of London and finally saved up to get married. I'm sure that your daughter is well aware of all of this and I don't think that saying much to her will achieve much. She did ought to save a little more though. At the moment though, she is still young and is having fun.

I'm pretty sure that I have read your posts before and you really need to stop trying to want to control your daughters life. She is an adult and makes her own choices. She doesn't have to marry and have kids because you feel like she should. Some people never want to marry and have kids. Stop trying to interfere.

@DilemmaADay that's good to hear. I feel like my life has begun again in some ways. Going to aim to give my son a good life. Thank you. X

At 28 I had just moved to a bigger job at a differentinvestment bank in london. I was sharing a flat, working hard and socialising a lot - at least half my socialising was with, through or for work. In fact, that socialising, rather than hindering my work efforts, helped me because it meant I didn't care or notice that my life was all about work and I was promoted before my 30th birthday to a level that was unheard of for my age in the department I worked in. I was extremely proud of that.

I met Dh during this time. In my early 30s we got married and had ds a few years later. That was when things started to change. WhenI realised that although I loved my work, I had other things in my life I cared about too. Not just family, but also, with the shift in my life I started looking around and thought about what was really important to me NOW vs 5 years before. I left investment banking when DS was 2 and have never looked back. But... if you'd asked me in my early 20s what I'd be doing now, at the age of 45, I'd have told you that I wanted to be running my department on, at least, a European level. Now, not only does that horrify me as an idea, I realise that many of the people I worked with and for are people I wouldn't choose to be friends with.

Having said all that, without those 10 years, the career and lifestyle I have now would be impossible.

I think it's all perfectly normal and healthy. we all grow and change and move on but to be this focused at this age, is not a problem.