In thinking that DD should be settling down by now?

[Jjsiter]

DD turned 28 last week. She lives in central London (flat share with a friend) and has a good job in financial services. I’m very proud of her, we have always been close as she’s an only child and we are still in touch daily. Since moving to London 4 years ago, she’s spent her time there very much living the party lifestyle. Most weekends she’ll be up until the early hours with friends, drinking and doing god knows what else. Even during the week she’ll often be out drinking with colleagues after work and then be rushing to get to work the following morning after a very late night. DD’s whole life seems to revolve around socialising with her friends and partying, which is constantly a worry for me. For instance, she earns enough to be in the very fortunate position of being able to purchase her own property in London, but has shown no interest in doing this at all as she claims to prefer living with friends. Whilst she’s been ‘seeing’ men here and there, DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men. I’m happy that DD is enjoying herself, but I cant help but feel as though she has reached an age where she should be thinking about her future and may regret her decision in terms of failing to prioritise her health and well-being, meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

According to DD, her lifestyle is absolutely normal for somebody of her age living in the city and she has no plans to settle down. In fact, DD tells me that many of her close friends are in their 30s-early 40s and still living the same lifestyle. Admittedly I’m an older parent, but am I really so completely out of touch in that this is the new normal for professionals living in the city?

Re Property buying..I know a woman now at retirement age who had the ''fear of being tied down'' to a property...
She rents privately, and says her deepest regret is not buying a house/flat when she could have so easily done so. {She never wanted children}.
Her old landlord was ok, but the new Landlord is a so and so who wants her out {she is a sitting tenant! from the early 1980's} and is inching up her rent all the time, causing her mega distress.
Had she bought the place, she could have downsized, and had thousands in the bank.

I suppose if she wants a partner / children, that's something to think about in the next couple of years. Nothing wrong with her life but if you think about the stats it does get more difficult for women to find a partner have children if they want to when compared to men. If you've had a good lifestyle, good job - you need to find someone who can help you maintain that on one salary at times. There aren't that many of them. And the child-having window is a lot shorter for women than for men. And for men, well, it's quite normal to get together with someone around their own age, or up to 10 years younger. For women this is more unusual. Can't say it doesn't happen at an individual level though.

I think of someone close to me - she'd worked many years in London, worked hard, socialised hard, actually got on the property ladder, had some relationships, travelled lots, lots of hobbies, spent some time single. Got to late 30s and absolutely desperately wanted to find a partner and have children. It was very difficult for her.

Maybe talk to your daughter about what she would like and the messages she gives out. There is a lot of pressure on women to give out the 'I'm having a great time, don't need a man or kids' vibe when actually they would like to have a relationship. And then the men they do meet pick up the wrong vibe, and time goes on...

It's a good job you're not my mum OP. I spent my 20's working and partying overseas and at 41 am happily single and childfree by choice. The Other life has been a lovely one, for me.

I'd have hated the restrictions of marriage or babies. Different strokes.

It sounds like she's having fun and enjoying her life which is great.

I suppose the only thing to be aware of is that some women who do want a family leave it too late and then face fertility problems. I know many women do have babies in their 40s but they're lucky as fertility does start going down.

And can I just say a few years ago on here, the OP would have been told, "Chill out mate, it's fine, it's normal. If she wants to have kids she has loads of time."

Now she's being called "controlling", a "boomer", "relic of the fifties", even told to keep her "snout out" by one charming poster

It's a forum people; different opinions are allowed. Different opinions are the whole point. Just be a bit nicer eh?

@Onlyherefortheconspiracies I feel like op loves her daughter and once she knew she did not want kids or house etc she would be happy and not worry etc

I think as long as she’s happy it really doesn’t matter

I don't live in or anywhere London and I lived exactly this lifestyle at her age - parties, travelling etc. I met my husband at 33 and had 3 children by the time I was 38. I wouldn't have had it any other way

That sounds wonderful and perfectly normal for her age. At her age, I was partying my socks off, out probably 4-5 nights a week until the early hours, living in a flat share. Absolutely no savings, or thought of children or marriage, though I did have the beginnings of a good career. At 27, I took a job in Asia, went backpacking, loads of partying. It was amazing. I met dh while working overseas (ironically, while out partying!). 10 years later, I'm settled, married with 2 dc, living in a nice big detached house in the countryside, and I (sadly) do no partying anymore. A lot will change in a few years time, but all that sounds very normal and healthy for someone in their late 20s. Interestingly, all the people I know who were 'settled down' at that age are now divorced in their late 30s/early 40s and a bit miserable.

These days its perfectly normal to party through your twenties. I met my then partner at 30 and had my first child at 31. Relax, if she's happy please be happy for her.
My mum was absolutely delighted when I became pregnant. I know she felt like you do. Bear in mind though that grandchildren are never guaranteed so please don't voice your fears.

It's very normal especially in London. Just let her enjoy her life.

Are you serious? Let her live her life how she wants to. There's no cookie cutter live anymore, it's 2020.

@Northernsoullover I am glad things worked out for you but it does not happen that fast for everyone

My 20s in London wwere one big party. I was out every night and had an utter blast.

Got married at 31, kids at 34 and 36. Now I live a quietly happy life in the suburbs. I'm so glad at how I lived when I was young, free, wild and single..... so much fun to look back on! Never feel I am missing out - I know I've done it all. It's made me more happy and content in my marriage and little routines. No FOMO.

Even when I was 28 (17 years ago - eek!) it was unusual to be settled down at that age. My life was also a drunken social whirl at that age, living in rented accommodation. I didn't become sensible or mature until I was pregnant at 35. I'm not saying this is right but it's how it was for me and many of my friends. You can't change your daughter's mind but there is a fairly good chance she'll get in to her 30s and consider having children and settling down. Or maybe she won't. Quite a few of my friends are still living a pretty decadent lifestyle in their mid-40s and don't want children. There's not much you can do. It's her life.

There's a thread going at the moment about what would you do if you have 25-30 again. It's almost unanimous. Have fun and absolutely don't get married.

Good for her. I think I was still doing all that at 28, although I was in a serious relationship. I'm now 32 and have a child and my own house. When/if she's ready to settle down the way you want her to, it will be after thoroughly enjoying her twenties and knowing she didn't miss out on anything. Plus she'll have tonnes of money for a decent deposit.

Thank you for the comments, wanted to drop in and say I’ve been reading them all. I think my initial post has been misinterpreted by some. I only have DD’s best interests at heart and simply want her to be happy, not just now, but in the future too. I think it’s normal as a parent to worry about your children no matter what age they are and I won’t be made to feel like a terrible mother for caring. As much as I’d love and hope for grandchildren one day, I appreciate that the day may never come. I just hope over the next couple of years that DD starts to make some sensible choices to secure her future.

Honestly, OP, just because you led a circumscribed life that involved prioritising 'settling down' and buying property, why would you want to impose those kind of lower-middle-class suburban values on your child? Maybe that's her idea of pure hell. It would certainly be mine.

OP, with respect, there are many middle aged women out there who have made the kind of choices you would probably seem "sensible" and ended up in dull, unhappy marriages, wishing they had made braver choices in life.

Making "sensible choices" is not always - in fact, frequently isn't - the key to future happiness. And what would make you happy isn't necessarily what would make your daughter happy in the future.

Please try not to judge her choices or expect her to plan the future you envision for her. Just let her make her own choices, even if you personally disagree with them, and be there for her always.

Just to add, I made a couple of choices when I was younger that my mother did not deem at all sensible. One was turning down a good university place and getting a job instead. She wrung her hands over that one, but I got into a better university the following year and had saved over £6,000, which meant I never once had go to my parents because I'd run out of money. The other was taking a year out between university and starting my career. I could have started my well paid job a year earlier, but instead I decided to go abroad with just a backpack and some money I'd saved up. She thought that was a terrible idea at the time but it resulted in me meeting my future husband and becoming completely fluent in another language.

If I'd only done what my mother thought was sensible, I would not have had the kind of life I am living now. And now even she has to admit that they were great decisions which changed my life for the better, even if she worried terribly at the time.

Eschallonia

Buying a property, finding a partner and having kids hardly means you have led a "circumscribed life" or have "lower middle class suburban values" (very specific) for goodness sake. How ridiculous.

For all you know the OP is a trapeze artist.

@peperethecat I do think it might be worth just telling her to think where she wants to be in 5 years time and what kind of future she wants

For all you know the OP is a trapeze artist.

It's pretty obvious the OP isn't a trapeze artist, and it's pretty clear what values she's governed by, and what template she has for a 'normal life' and 'sensible decisions'.

As much as I’d love and hope for grandchildren one day, I appreciate that the day may never come.

Why would you "love and hope" for grandchildren?

I really don't get that.

You had the option to have children- and you did.
Not everyone wants children.

If my children choose to have children of their own I have no doubt that I would love them. I have no yearning to be a grandparent though.
If they choose not to become parents then that's fine too.