AIBU - partner wants me to stop speaking Italian with my mum

[countrywalks1]

AIBU? Me and my partner have been staying at my mum's flat because of covid issues. She told me after 2 days here that she feels it's rude that I speak Italian with mum in front of her as she doesn't know what's going on and doesn't understand the language. I replied saying I understand it must be frustrating not to know, especially as she's the kind of person who likes to know everything, and the pandemic is really tough on her as she's homesick and hasn't been home properly for months, so I can understand why as she says she feels excluded.

However, my counterpoint was that I usually (about 60%) talk with mum in Italian. Culturally, I would say I'm half British and half Italian - I've mostly grown up in the UK but was born and most of my extended family are and live in Italy. I speak Italian fluently, but if I don't speak it regularly it gets a bit worse as I get out of practice with tenses and conjugations etc.

So I speak Italian with my mum because: 1) for me it's the language we've always communicated; 2) it makes me feel more connected with my Italian culture; 3) it pleases me to practice it; 4) I'm pretty sure my mum prefers talking to me in Italian than in English as she doesn't really get to speak it with anyone after my granddad (her dad) passed away a few years ago as did my very bilingually fluent brother. It's complicated I know!!!!

So told this to my partner, she says she appreciates the reasoning but still unnecessary to speak it when she's there as it feels she's excluded. I told her I understand why but I struggle to understand why she couldn't move past it as I've been in the same situation with friends speaking a language I don't understand where I just talk English when I can, or ask what's going on. The other thing is that usually my mum will save talking to me in Italian for mum things like telling me off or telling me to do something. I emphasised that we're never using it to talk about her or be nasty, and we kind of slip into it naturally.

Still she says she feels excluded, which at this point I understand. She was also in my opinion a bit nasty and in anger said we moved over here to the UK and chose to stay so we shouldn't really be talking Italian anymore anyway, we should be British. This I put down to anger that I wasn't understanding her point of view. In her defence she did also say I could speak it if I taught her Italian, although I struggle that the emphasis is on me to teach her when we have been together for 8 years and even gone over to visit my Italian relatives in Italy and been to weddings etc - without ever having tried to learn. Albeit we've been doing vocational education together throughout this time so many other important things to learn.

So last night I worked really hard to make sure I spoke only in English with everyone, so when mum asked me something in Italian I actively made sure to reply in English.

I just need to know AIBU in feeling disappointed? I understand my partner's frustration, and I can try to cut down on the Italian for a little while because of the circumstances - it's tough being homesick and then not even being able to understand the conversation where you are. It's just the request that I cut down on speaking Italian with my mum when she's also there - as I told her, I expect that I will always see mum with her (we're planning on getting married). I also feel that she's asking me to hide away (in the context of communicating with mum) a little part of my own culture. Therefore, AIBU to not let this lie?

I would ditch her tbh. Why date someone from another culture of you have no desire to learn the language or at least attempt to? If she can't be bothered that says a lot about her. I can understand it might feel a bit awkward for her at times but unless you are having long conversations in Italian she needs to deal with it.

Can't you just speak to your mum in Italian when your GF isn't there - say she's gone to the shops or gone for a bath or something.

I do think it's rude to speak in another language if you can both speak English when she's there.

@Devonport14 si dice:Dille di andare a cagare
English translation for the snowflakes here: tell her to get lost. You can communicate with your mother how you like, and it looks like it s not extended conversations to exclude her sooo...

I suppose that if you marry an other language spekar then there is an onus to learn his her lingo. My ex was French and whilst i can under stand it if its very s-l-w-l-y spoken then fine, but the normal speed you lost me there! but as she often said if you don't want to miss out then bloody well learn.

And yet you obviously didn't....

And yet you obviously didn't....

Yep!, gulity as charged my lud;! there is a bit of a story to that, won't bore you. Apart from that I'm bloody useless at Lanugages!

Got other usefull attributes though:)

@Justaboy
Du må være gal, finsk hører til den ungarske sprogs amme.

Sprogstamme, damn autocorrect .

Well, if I were her, I would have learned Italian long before now. My husband’s native language is very hard to learn ( think Klingon ) so I’ve given up , they’re normally very polite when they’re all together and speak a weird combination of their language and English. Doesn’t normally bother me, but I do think it’s rather rude if there’s only three of you in the room.

Well now would be a good time to learn Italian... I recommend the Nanni-Tate Italian Grammar Drills and Italian Made Easy on YT.

She’s selfish and entitled. You can speak to your mum in whatever language you have always spoken to her in. What will happen if you have dc? Will you not be allowed to teach them Italian? Tell her to take a hike.

Yess .. ladyhummingbee wondering what breast feeding had to do with it;?

OK, was it Swedish and Danish and possibly Norwegian then?..

I'm with the OP to be honest. Perhaps the only change would be around meal tables.

@Justaboy, amme 😂

Danish, Swedish, Icelandic and Norwegian are in the same language family. Not everybody understands each other anyway. A lot of scandies become uneasy and ask to have the conversation in English .

I think most Danes, Swedes and Norwegians would be hard pressed to understand Icelandic and Finnish.

Honestly I think some English people's heads would fall off if they had to live like half of Europe. I have friends who routinely speak 4 languages at the dinner table. Dutch between dad and kids, Italian between mum and kids, English between mum and dad and to guests, and German when mum is pissed off! Everyone muddles along and assumes if they need to know something, it will be said in their language.

Understanding is much easier than speaking so if the GF hasn't learned to understand yet, there is something seriously wrong. I had a friend whose mother was German growing up and just by hanging out there I learned to understand a fair amount of German.

People in India, Africa, mainland Europe and pretty much everywhere else aren't cleverer than English people. And most of them learn two languages at least.

We are multi lingual here. I don't speak husband's language and he does not speak mine. But we communicate with our parents in said languages. It's just the way it is. This woman is being unreasonable. Be sure you want to marry her. Will you not be allowed to speak to your kids in Italian unless you teach her first?

justaboy you have eel in your hovercraft??

You are both being unreasonable. She is wrong to not make any effort to learn your language when she knows it is important to you. And you are wrong to babble away in another language that you know she doesn't understand.

It's tricky one. I know your situation from both sides. But there has to be an effort from each of you. You should insist that she learns some italian and at the same time you speak some english with your mum. You and your mum can include her by pointing out things in italian and silly language games.

My husband speaks another language and I could feel the anger rise in me when he and his mates spoke nothing but that language for hours, leaving me excluded and very bored. But when I learnt more of the language and started getting the gist, that anger disappeared. Now, I just butt in english (I can't express myself fast enough in their language) and it works.

Also it is possible to have a discussion in another language and include a beginner by speaking more slowly and using simpler words.

If it was my family, I would get duo lingo and get her to do it every night. At the same time, get your mum to address her in very simple italian and start naming things at the dinner table. If she gets annoyed (perfectly possible), then at least you have given it go from your side.

Abbccc I think that DGRossetti has the hole in her hovercraft;)..

ladyhummingbee Enlightened thanks.. quite a story on that one but I'll not bore you with it!..

*Justaboy

AbbcccI think thatDGRossettihas the hole in her hovercraft;)*

Well, that is unfortunate.

Aah @Justaboy now I'm curious?

It’s rude to have a conversation in front of someone in a language they don’t understand. You’re basically excluding them and it’s not very nice.

DH and his family speak 2 languages other than English. Doesn't bother me at all. But then I'm not paranoid that they are talking about me. They can if they want....I'm not that interesting. One of the languages I know enough off to understand and join in sometimes. Other one I have no clue. Never bothered me. Actually that's a lie. It did in early realtionship as I felt like they were gossiping about me. Most people who don't understand feel this way. But after 8 years as you say they should be be uncomfortable anykore. If they were gossiping they surely have run out of Things to say after 8 years. As long as she is included in group discussions in English then you can talk to your mum in whatever language you please if it's just a conversation between you two

Ditch her. She’s a controlling racist cow.

She’s a controlling racist cow
She’s really not. It’s rude to whisper. It’s rude to pass notes. It’s rude to speak in a different language. They’re all ways of excluding someone from the conversation and that’s bad manners.

I'm wondering why she hasn't learned any Italian, despite knowing how important it is to you? Even if learning languages isn't something that comes easily to her, it's still possible. She should try and then ask you and your mum to speak slowly so that she can join in sometimes.

I would get where she's coming from if you and your mum always talk in Italian in front of her. But I don't stay in the room the whole time when my MIL is here. I do my own thing and let my DH talk to his mum separately from me, so there's really no reason for your partner not to give you space to speak to each other in Italian sometimes,

I can imagine that you're feeling less inclined to accommodate your partner, seeing as she isn't prepared to meet you halfway and learn at least some Italian?

Tbh, it's a British characteristic that I'm not proud of at all, this unwillingness to learn other languages, assuming that everyone should learn English and never make any effort themselves to learn other languages.