Is he Anal or am I in the wrong

[IsHeAnal]

Can someone just please tell me if I’m be unreasonable when I tell my partner that he is playing mind games with my girls. This is written in a rush after yet another incident so I’m a bit peed off right now. It’s long and sorry for all mistakes and grammar.

We’ve been together since end 2016. Moved in together end 2018. He moved to my area and we moved into a new place.
He is brilliant with the girls. He never had any children himself. I don’t drive so all after school activities etc that’s not within walking distance he takes and drops them. He treat them. Surprised them this Xmas with one of their favourite music artists (might be cancelled) but just to give you an idea that he does a lot for them.

Now my biggest biggest issue is what I personally call “anal” behaviour. The girls are 12 and 9. From all my friends near and friends who I know who doesn’t live near us my girls go to bed early. Always has either screen time on their iPads or on DD1s phone. If behaviour isn’t good I can just say to them “put your phone downstairs until you behave better etc”. They might be annoyed but they don’t question my choices. My 9 year old is a little like me and will ask me if I’m the boss of her etc or why am I on my phone before reluctantly putting hers down.

I’m now going to list what he does that annoy the hell out of me.

1. He will hide 9 year olds iPad to test if she will come and hug me in the morning because she “loves” me or because she wants the iPad.
2. He used to go into DD1s room to hide her laptop as DD1 tend to give her laptop for DD2 to play minecraft. So when he is at work and DD1 needs to do work on laptop we can’t find it. I lost my shit about that so that is the only thing that stopped. And similar he hides DD1s iPad for same reason. But still always come and moan at me that she’s on it when he walks past there bedroom.
3. He will come and tell me every single time if DD2 is on her iPad or on her sisters gadgets. Every single time. I’ve got screen time on from 9am to 6pm and sometimes extend it depending on if she’s been doing other stuff all day and not been on her iPad. But even though it’s available to use all day she’s limited to 2hrs app time. So if she’s been 2hrs non stop on there she cannot continue on it unless she asks me.
4. Brushing of teeth: every single night after I’ve kissed them whether they’ve come downstairs or I’ve gone up and told them get ready for bed i.e. pjs on and teeth. He will shout up brush your teeth. He will then pretend to go to the toilet to go and feel if their toothbrushes are wet. And go on and on if one of the girls happened to not have done it.
5. He now also during lockdown go in every morning and put their toothbrushes in a particular position to see if they’ve moved it. If it hasn’t moved it proofs that they haven’t yet again brush their teeth. And use it against them for something. Every bloody time. Most of the time the girls are currently especially during lockdown in their onesies. So yes tend to forget stuff like brushing their teeth as they tend to have breakfast after JoeWicks and then start school work at 10.
6. He is constantly onto DD1 about showering. It’s lockdown. Most of the time she finds excuses right now. My thinking is she will struggle and she’ll stink if she doesn’t shower so she’s old enough to know better. He is constantly making note of when she had a shower. So I flipped last week and said what if she starts her period (she hasn’t yet) will you also be on and aware of it all the time. I would have hated that if I was her age.
7. DD2 is working downstairs as she’s only 9 and DD1 in her own room. Every now and then he will come downstairs and if DD2 is doing anything remotely that doesn’t look school work related he will make comments and reference to it or “questioning” if we are actually doing school work.
8. Bed time: for years my girls slept 7pm to 7am. Until I started to feel sorry for them as I know their friends sleep later. 2 years ago that was extended to 8pm. Now I personally don’t mind if it’s 8:30 to 9 during term time for DD2 and 9-10 for DD1. Its lockdown so I honestly would not have been all that bothered. But whether it’s normal school days or weekends or holidays he is constantly moaning about bed time. Saying he needs his alone time and chill out time. He goes to bed at 9:15. So most evenings I’m there on my own. I have always been the type of parent who had a 7-7 bedtime routine but flexible with my girls as youngsters so if we were heading to a playgroup or meeting a friend and they fell asleep on their way I’d still go as they’ll sleep in pushchair or they’d fall asleep on their way home but I could always lift them out of pushchair and put them asleep into their cot with no make ups. Their dad was a massive asshole but my girls were very good babies/children.
9. He hates it when the girls come in for cuddles in the morning as he doesn’t believe kids belong in their parents bedroom let alone if he isn’t there. But will quite happily like a photo of my friend who has 3 kids and her partner who has 2 kids and her having all 5 on her bed.

Please tell me that I have every reason to lose my shit. My biggest worry is my eldest is almost a teenager and she’s going to have friends in and out of our house or want to stay up even later. The girls love him and id hate for them to be older and resent him when he does such a lot for them. But they’d end up resenting him as he behaves like a snitch. Every single time when they are doing stuff that’s very small he runs to me. Every every time. So AIBU to tell him to just bloody stop it and enjoy this age and stage the girls are at as they really are not difficult kids. Please help!

Very extreme and weird. I have to nag my dc every day to do their teeth but I wouldn’t check if their toothbrushes were wet.

Are you sure he’s not like this with you too?

Does he ever chill out or is he always checking up on them?

What does he do as a job? I bet he’s not popular. No one likes a snitch.

I agree that he will be worse as the dc get older eg when they want to stay up late or go out partying.

My stepdad was like this. He was also sexually abusing me.
Now that my mum has divorced him it’s come out that he also used to say things like “she doesn’t really love you” to her and tried to drive a wedge between us. It worked and even though I’m a married adult with my own home and child, And he’s out of our lives, our relationship has never recovered.

WTAF!!!!!!!!! WHY are you still with him?

Believe me, your DD's don't love him. He might 'do a lot for them', but by god they're paying for it.

He's inappropriate and obsessive. Why isn't he working, doing housework or working on hobbies instead of micromanaging your kids? They'll be resentful and will alienate themselves when they become teenagers and want to have more freedom and stay up later.

He shouldn't be setting traps, he shouldn't be taking notes on when the 12 year old has showers, he shouldn't be hiding their property. He's over-reacting and he sounds over focused on what they are doing.

If you love him and if the girls like him and you want to try to make it work, you need to lay down the law. Has this happened since lockdown? It sounds like he doesn't have much else going on in his life. Either way, he can take up a hobby and give your dd's some peace in their own home. They're not in the army...

Tbh I used to check if my DS's toothbrush was wet because his dental hygiene was a concern for a while, but I would only use that information to remind him more often to brush them, I wouldn't confront him.

Hi sounds an absolute nightmare. I really felt uncomfortable reading your post. You and your girls deserve better.

Urgh, he sounds creepy and weird. When they start periods is he going to be checking dates?

He sounds like the girls creepy big goody two shoes brother who always wants to make himself look better in your eyes. I couldn't deal with a manchild like this. The girls might like him now but that level of control and annoyance is going to be a massive headache to you in a year or two.

He's very unreasonable on all counts except not wanting the girls in his bed - that's fair enough.

Very creepy behaviour

eh? I am missing something here? I'm reading this a totally different way.

When you say he keeps a note of when your DD1 has showered, do you mean he is keeping it written down, or do mean he says come on you haven't had a shower all week?

DO you think it's ok for them to not brush their teeth? You say they don't get dressed and so forget. They are kids of course they should be told to brush their teeth. I think it sounds like you are really relaxed about it and he thinks you should take a firmer hand, but he feels he can't tell them. So he checks up, and lets you know.

Do they take their phones/laptops/ipads to bed? 2 hours a day plus more if they ask, which they do and you let them. Why does a 9 year old have a phone? why are you letting them use them out of your sight? I think he is taking them away because they are on them all the time and he is trying to add some restrictions.

Why did you bring up your daughter's period? That was fucking weird. And yet everyone says he's a creep. Perhaps your daughter already stinks and he is trying to stop her from being the smelly kid at school.

I think he has tried to parent them and has been told it's not up to him to tell the kids to brush their teeth or put their ipads down, so he tells you. Perhaps you have different ideas about what's right for them, but surely washing, brushing their teeth, 9 year olds having a phone in her bedroom are not ideal.

Dunno. I can see I'm going against the grain here but I'm not convinced by your version of events and you are looking for confirmation.

Urgh. Just no. My children won't put up with that, neither would I. Tell him to pack it up or pack his bags OP. That's just weird and yuck.

Perhaps your daughter already stinks and he is trying to stop her from being the smelly kid at school

Jesus.

@Cattermole I didn’t want to say it first! He’s unhealthily obsessed with these little girls hygiene, checking up on their showers, stalking them in their own home. Deliberately trying to drive a wedge between them and their mum. Fucking pedo behaviour. I can’t believe the op is letting this happen

He is horrible. Please don’t inflict him on your dc any more.

Oh dear! This guy has done a hell of a number on you. He’s manouvering himself into the top spot of a very weird hierarchy, he is chipping away at your daughters boundaries and encouraging you to believe they don’t love you. He is alienating you all from each other. I can’t see any reason for it. There’s no flash of ocd, you aren’t mentioning anything that could point to MH problems, so I can’t see any circumstances that can make any of this remotely understandable. A PP called this chilling and she was right. He needs to be removed from your dds sphere. I hope you are all ok.

He will hide 9 year olds iPad to test if she will come and hug me in the morning because she “loves” me or because she wants the iPad.

Test??? Jesus Christ.

He hates it when the girls come in for cuddles in the morning as he doesn’t believe kids belong in their parents bedroom let alone if he isn’t there.

What a fucking weirdo! Number 1 was bad enough along with all the others but honestly, what the actual fuck?! And you are with him why??

By staying with him you are showing your daughters that this fucked up controlling behaviour is normal. It most definitely is not!

And use it against them for something. Every bloody time

And yet you stay with him.

Weird and creepy. Curious as to how old he is. It's fucking bullying and sly though. I'd get rid.

Studies show children still love and are loyal to abusive parents. It doesn’t matter if they say they like him, it is your job to ensure they are not exposed to abusive behaviour. He is a damaging and controlling influence in their lives.

How would he react if you told him to wind his neck in? Would you dare tell him, or are you afraid to?

Op,
I’d be seriously concerned about his behaviour and if possible, given the current situation; I’d have him leave your home.
His behaviour is not normal, not at all.
He’s controlling and quite frankly weird; please please protect your girls and yourself and leave him

Ok quite a few people have mentioned the same thing about bullying I’ve never used the word myself with him but I’ve made it quite clear that I hate it. Before lockdown he agreed for us to go and see a counsellor and we saw someone the week before lockdown and he had one more phone session. But at the time it was mostly about the fact that I might have said to them it’s bedtime at the weekend for example and they’ve gone to bed and we are sitting chatting downstairs but I would see that his mind is “upstairs” as the girls are whispering. He would then said that they are probably sharing DD1s double bed and I’d say it’s fine that is how sisters bond by sleeping together sometimes and whispering and he would respond but you told them 5 mins ago that it was bed time to which I’d respond but they are not shouting screaming, it’s 8:45 on a weekend night so I’m cool. He then gets upset because I cannot stick to a routine.

When I’ve asked him to drop certain things/behaviours and questioned his reasons for it he has either said it’s getting used to living with children and he likes structure etc. He doesn’t really have any other structure in his life. Yes he works but that is the limit to structure hence him agreeing to see someone to make him see that there is no need for this behaviour.

EmeraldShamrock their dad does see them regularly now since he is with new girlfriend. Sees them 4-6 nights a month. So we mostly have them and all school related and after school related stuff is down to us.

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle I told him I have 7 siblings and my slightly younger brother is like this. Part of why all of us have a less of a relationship with him and every one of us are close to each other as siblings.

Mumoftwo1994 not judgey. I asked the question and I’ve been in Mumsnet for 13 years. But I’m reading every response. I am.

MerryMarigold it is all the time. So before lockdown and as I said we went to see a therapist together before lockdown with the intention of going regularly. I’ve only become more lax as he is constantly on about it. He never showed any of this behaviour before. Not a single time only since we lived together. A bit here and there questioning screen time etc until it’s become the way it is.

JKScot4 he goes to bed that time first because he blames he is tired from working or the fact that we never watch the same tv show or film. He tends to watch 1980s shit shows that’s been rehashed so will go upstairs earlier as I am watching something more recent.

sergeilavrov I wouldn’t say he is obsessive but he works so showers daily but quite happily leave everything for someone else to clean up behind him. But brushes his teeth and had a root canal recently as he eats lots of rubbish daily and as grown up as he is is a very picky eater.

lyralalala I guess because he doesn’t or never made it an issue with them. It was more constantly letting me know. I then lose my shit with them. And of course I’m not happy hence my post on here and hence him seeing someone for it.

tara66 not really. I suggested he pick up a hobby which he does do now but that is once a week when they are already in bed.

JKScot4 as said before when the doors are open. When he used to hide the laptop it was because it was in sight when room was open but I laid down the law and he now wouldn’t go in their room unless he has to get rid of a spider like he had to last night. And I would be worse than shit parent if there was anything else there like Cattermole suggests.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend I never said he mentioned her periods. I highlighted it to him as he would constantly ask her or remind her that she hasn’t had a shower yet so I said what would happen if she does get her period but he would be constantly aware of it.

Waveysnail he has an issue with screen time. Most of the time during term time younger DD isn’t allowed on her iPad. Sometimes we’ve put it away and forgotten for months at a time and it’s not been an issue. But older DD has a phone. Year 6 she left it in my room untouched from Sunday night until Saturday morning or sometimes Friday nights but have an activity till 9pm and would go straight to bed. . Personally do not think they have a lot of screen time as she’s said to me that her friends have said that I’m the strictest. They have limits on it. Currently her best friend FaceTime her after 9 before 10pm which never gets answered as she’s either in bed already or her phones time is off 9r she knows it’s too late. And yes I ask them and try and take their word for it unless I find out they haven’t I would make them brush it.

Is he alone with them when he's driving them about?

Sorry op, but I'm another that can see the weirdness in his actions but feel there's something else.
I couldn't tell you which part of your list it is, but I can tell you all I was thinking was "I hope he's not alone in the car/home with them"